<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Twisted Allure by Yoshiyuki_Ly</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24678397">Twisted Allure</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoshiyuki_Ly/pseuds/Yoshiyuki_Ly'>Yoshiyuki_Ly</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Persona 4, Persona Series</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Childhood Trauma, Detectives, Drama &amp; Romance, F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2016-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:48:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>100,901</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24678397</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoshiyuki_Ly/pseuds/Yoshiyuki_Ly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A security breach within Inaba's cell phone provider exposes texts, pictures and vids on everyone's phones, causing a public meltdown. Scandalous details about Rise are leaked to the press, delaying her plans to return to her career. The system gets in Naoto's way and she's cut off from investigating the case. So much is out in the open now. Post-game.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kujikawa Rise/Shirogane Naoto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Proxy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><b>Warnings:</b> I don't normally write YA-type stories, so the themes here will be more adult. But I'm still staying true to the spirit of P4. Oh, and Teddie…let's not speak of him.<br/><b>Disclaimer:</b> I don't own the rights to Persona 4.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Only six months after becoming genuine friends with Yu and his Investigation Team, I found myself mostly alone again. Our group had splintered the very same day Senpai left Inaba and returned to his parents in the big city. Unexpected, petty relationship drama between Yu, Rise and Yukiko had forced all of us to take sides with the situation. I'd been naïve enough to assume that this group was above such things. I was mistaken. Their competence in solving the Midnight Channel murders with me had only spoken to their persistence and determination—nothing more. I found it highly amusing that Yu had brought us all together, and now that he was gone, our group was all but destroyed. My cynicism returned with his departure; everyone else's trivial priorities had also returned, causing me to be more discerning with my primary concerns.</p><p>This month-long break between March and April was much quieter than I expected. I looked forward to beginning my second year of high school, if only to take my mind off of my recent problems. A few weeks ago, my grandfather fell ill. He retired to the Shirogane estate with me in Inaba, ending any hopes I'd had of continuing my detective work in the city. Now no one wanted to work with me—I was just 'the child Detective Prince' again. I suspected my grandfather's good word was all that had kept me employed and connected in the police force. Not my own merits or abilities…</p><p>And so I retreated back into myself for the most part. I wasn't sure if I liked being here again. There were some benefits to this solitude. I had time to reevaluate myself. I was only sixteen years old; I should have taken the time to enjoy my youth more. To start with, I made a habit of not speaking with as much distinction anymore. I didn't feel the need to compensate for my insecurities like before. I let my dark blue hair grow out just enough to slick it back neatly. I could stop hiding behind my hat this way. I discarded my ill-fitting clothes for even more tailored men's wear, letting my figure show through. This was a sharper look for me. I refused to keep avoiding the world's judgments; if anyone chose to discriminate against me, I simply wouldn't associate myself with them or let their actions get to me.</p><p>On the final day of spring break, Kanji sent me a text message. He wanted us to spend the day together with Rise. He felt bad for her. She had been isolating herself in her bedroom since Yu had left. Her latest depression kept her from returning to her career as an idol in the city. Rise should have been back in the spotlight as Risette: acting, singing and dancing, as she was famous for. Instead, she was stuck in this small town, going back to the same old school life tomorrow, her dreams shattered. I could relate. I'd wanted to reach out to her. To ask if I could help her feel better somehow. Each time over the break that I passed by her family's shop, on the way to Tatsumi Textiles to visit Kanji, I would look up at Rise's bedroom window. Our friendship before had been dictated by our relation to the whole Investigation Team. Now that the team was broken, I missed seeing her around. I missed her cheer, her confidence—even her moodiness. Yet I was in no position to tell her. I was afraid she wouldn't have understood why I cared for her at all.</p><p>One of my worst fears was caring for someone more than they cared for me. I knew how passionate I could be—on the inside. I was an easy target for someone to take advantage of. Hiding my real feelings was no better than the efforts I'd made to hide my real identity before. If Rise gave me a reason to believe that she liked me, then I would quickly stop with this mysterious act. I had to wait and see.</p><p>I met Kanji near the bookstore in the central shopping district. His cropped bleached-blond hair, piercings, tattoos and tall, strong build made him immediately recognizable among everyone else milling about. He had on his typical torn black jeans and black tank. Now that his trouble-making days were over, people had stopped giving him furtive looks whenever they passed by. Too many people had assumed that because he looked 'aggressive' that he was dangerous. I was glad that those damaging stereotypes were behind him now.</p><p>Kanji gave me a lopsided smirk and waved. "Yo, Naoto-kun!" he greeted. "You made it!"</p><p>"Hello, Kanji-kun," I replied.</p><p>"Got tired of your old style? This new one's pretty cool. You really cleaned up!"</p><p>I smiled and said, "Yes, I needed a change."</p><p>We walked down the block together to the Marukyu tofu shop, catching up from the last time we spoke. Inaba's quiet, rural landscape was as relaxing as the warm sun shining down on us. Being surrounded by hills and riverbanks in the town's normally rainy climate was more peaceful than the city life that I was used to. Since fate had worked so hard to keep me in Inaba, I wondered if I was <em>supposed</em> to be here. I wanted to believe that this new path was meant to be.</p><p>When we arrived to Rise's family shop, the building was filled with customers. I couldn't see Rise in her uniform working with the other employees. Several people trying to get in the long line bumped into us.</p><p>Frustrated, Kanji stared up at Rise's open bedroom window. "She's gotta be in there," he reasoned. "HEY, Rise-chan! Rise Kujikawa! I know you can hear me!" The colorful curtains fluttered in the wind, once, and then Rise peeked through. This was the first time I'd seen her wearing her long auburn hair down. Her hazel eyes looked unbelievably sad. "Yeah, you! Come on down so we can hang out!"</p><p>Rise sighed. "I really appreciate you asking," she said, frowning. "But I'm not in the mood. Sorry."</p><p>"Aww, c'mon!" tried Kanji. "Don't be like that! Me and Naoto-kun wanna take you to the new arcade that just opened up! It'll be fun, I promise!"</p><p>"Naoto-kun…?" asked Rise, looking to me. Her pretty face lit up in shock. "Oh, Naoto-kun! Is that you?" I waved to her, unwilling to raise my voice enough to reply. "I'm sorry—I didn't recognize you. You look different…"</p><p>Kanji stomped his foot over the hot asphalt. "What are you trying to say, huh?!" he snapped.</p><p>"N-Nothing!" stammered Rise. She glanced away, mentally reprimanding herself. "You <em>know</em> I didn't mean it like that…" Then she looked to me again, brow raised in soft curiosity. I couldn't read her expression fully; Rise had never looked at me like this before. "Am I still invited? I'll go if you want."</p><p>"Yeah, let's get a move on! School starts tomorrow! We're wasting time standing around here!"</p><p>"Okay, I'll be right down!" she said, and disappeared back into her room.</p><p>Kanji folded his arms, vindicated. "That was easy!" he said to me. "I thought she'd keep brushing us off."</p><p>But a few minutes later, Rise scampered out of her family's tofu shop, wearing her short, orange spring dress with white capris and low platform heels. No one else recognized her without her iconic Risette pigtails. Even while she discussed the finer details of her relationship problems with Yu, Rise seemed in a better mood. She had that usual bounce in her step as the three of us walked to the arcade together. Once she finished telling her story, Kanji summarized:</p><p>"Wait, so let me get this straight," he said. "Senpai kissed you and said you were in a relationship back in…August, right? And you guys were cool for a while. Then at the train station, while Senpai was leaving, we all saw Yukiko-senpai kiss him… That's what started this whole thing. Basically you're saying that Senpai cheated on you with Yukiko-senpai, but…Yukiko-senpai says you were just obsessed with him and got the wrong idea…?"</p><p>Rise stared down at her feet. "Pretty much," she mumbled. "I mean, looking back on things now, I was pathetic. I flirted with Senpai all the time, even before we were together. Yukiko-senpai didn't take me seriously when I did it. But back in December, that's when they started talking a lot more. I didn't think anything of it. Senpai and I were arguing back then. He never <em>said </em>that we were done!"</p><p>"Yeah, talking wasn't exactly his thing… What did you argue about? Or do we even wanna know?"</p><p>Boldly, Rise said, "Senpai and I weren't on the same page…not sexually."</p><p>Kanji disguised his awkward laugh with coughing. "Oh, err, yeah!" he replied. "I guess that's a pretty big deal… He, uh, probably didn't tell Yukiko-senpai. She got mad—Chie-senpai is her best friend, so they both ganged up on you. Then Yosuke-senpai got dragged onto their side 'cause he's closer to them."</p><p>"And that left Kanji-kun and myself in the middle," I finally said.</p><p>Rise looked at me sheepishly. "You don't talk to them anymore?" she asked. "Yukiko-senpai, Chie-senpai and Yosuke-senpai…"</p><p>"No. Yukiko-senpai and Chie-senpai practically bullied you to tears that day. I didn't appreciate it."</p><p>"Yeah, kinda sounded like they were slut-shaming you," added Kanji. "Didn't think they had it in 'em to do that. All this drama over a guy, though… I thought we were all better than this typical high school bullshit. Looks like solving those Midnight Channel murders couldn't keep us together in the end."</p><p>"Oh…now I feel bad," replied Rise. "Our whole group is broken now because of me! Seeing them at school tomorrow is going to be weird."</p><p>Kanji waved his hand. "Nah, screw that!" he said. "You didn't do nothing wrong. It's Senpai's fault for not being upfront with you and breaking things off earlier. Hell, Yukiko-senpai and Chie-senpai were acting like he could do no wrong 'cause he brought us all together. That ain't right. Besides, they're all third years. They're gonna be busy with college stuff and exit exams. I bet we won't see 'em around too much. If we do, just ignore 'em. Easy!"</p><p>"You mean—you're picking me over them?" asked Rise, hopeful. "You won't let me be alone at school?"</p><p>"Don't worry, Rise-san," I said. "We're on your side."</p><p>Rise's delight was infectious. I felt myself smiling as she held my arm and thanked us. But I noticed a darker layer about her underneath all the brightness. I knew that she had loved Senpai deeply. He'd encouraged her to chase after her dreams of returning to the spotlight. I had terrible flashbacks to police files I'd read over about scorned lovers. I didn't believe Rise was capable of anything like that. Yet her capacity for revenge in general—I didn't doubt that at all. I wondered if she was angrier with Yu for playing her, or with Yukiko and Chie for accusing her of things she hadn't done. She had every motivation to get back at them. Then again, what could she have possibly done? I liked to believe that Rise was too kind-hearted to actually act against them. And so I dismissed the idea.</p><p>I felt terrible for not speaking with her before. I should have gone out of my way to listen to Rise's side of the story sooner. And thinking I was above all the drama…that was arrogant of me. I promised myself I would make an effort to spend more time with her. Anything to keep Yukiko and Chie from thinking that we'd all abandoned her for their sake.</p><p>Blasting music and the sounds of video games and laughter sounded from outside the arcade's doors. The air conditioning cooled us down as soon as we stepped inside. The dark building was filled with neon lights and flashing screens from the game systems—bright numbers from high scores practically reflected off of everyone's faces as they played fighting games, racing games, shooting games and dancing sims. Just as Rise and Kanji were about to lead the way through the arcade, a group of foreign-looking boys stopped us.</p><p>"Are you the famous performer?" one boy asked in broken Japanese. "Ryse Kujikawa? Risette?"</p><p>"No, I'm not her," lied Rise, scowling in annoyance.</p><p>"You sure you're not Ryse?" asked another, his Japanese slightly better. "You look just like her! Can we take a picture with you?!"</p><p>Kanji stepped between them. "Hey, leave the lady alone," he warned. "Get outta here!"</p><p>This language barrier was awful. "Wait, what?" asked the first. "Did you say yes?!"</p><p>"We said <em>leave!</em>" I told them in English. "She doesn't want to be bothered!"</p><p>As the boys left, disappointed, Rise glared after them. "And my—<em>her</em> name isn't pronounced like the word <em>rise! </em>It's REE-say!" she said, also in English. Then she folded her arms, huffing. "Silly Americans."</p><p>Just as Rise and Kanji went ahead, I received a text message. It was from an unknown number. The preview looked very suspicious. It was a series of gibberish followed by a questionable link. I deleted the message without opening it. As I put my phone back in my pocket, I felt someone's eyes on me. In the lounge area across the way, I saw Yosuke, Chie and Yukiko sitting together, staring at me as they exchanged words. Yukiko and Chie appeared openly angry with me for daring to be around Rise, while Yosuke looked hopelessly caught in the middle. He was unwilling to tell his friends to their faces that their behavior was ridiculous. I had no respect for him, either. I scoffed at them and went on my way.</p><p>I found Kanji playing one of the motorcycle games. He cheered loudly on his fake motorcycle as he raced against the people nearby. Rise stood next to him, looking bored.</p><p>"All the games here are the same," she complained. "They're either really violent things or some kind of racing game. And those other cheesy festival games remind me of that time I went to the summer festival with Senpai…I'm not going over there. I thought this place was supposed to be fun?"</p><p>Kanji cheered again as he took first place. "What, you kidding me? This is the best!"</p><p>Rise rolled her eyes. "You don't get it," she went on. "I don't want to shoot zombies or race cars!"</p><p>"So you wanna play a game about cooking or shopping? Is that what you're saying?"</p><p>"What?!" yelled Rise. She pushed Kanji's bike, making him veer off the road. "That's so sexist!"</p><p>"Ah, fuck! I was winning, damnit! What the hell?! You know I'm not like that!"</p><p>I laughed and said, "There are a few dancing games over there, Rise-san."</p><p>Rise noticed the lively dance stations across the way. "Oh, you're right!" she replied. Then she looked to Kanji grumpily waiting on the side of the road for his race to end. "Oops, sorry Kanji-kun! I should have looked around first before I said something." She handed him a few of her coins. "Here, this is for the next race. I bet you'll win this time!"</p><p>"Yeah, whatever," grumbled Kanji.</p><p>Rise held my wrist. "Come with me, Naoto-kun!" she said, pulling me along. "Let's dance together!"</p><p>"W-Wait a minute!" I protested. "Rise-san, hold on! I can't dance—not like that! This is club music…"</p><p>"Sure you can. Didn't you say you're good at ballroom dancing? I have a good memory, you know!"</p><p>"Well, yes, but this obviously isn't the same thing…"</p><p>"If you can count to four and you know how to use your hips, then you can dance to any kind of music. Trust me."</p><p>Rise didn't make me dance with her right away. She was kind enough to let me observe her first. The dance stations each appeared large enough for two people to use together. Through the flashing lights and booming music, I watched Rise pick up the basics of the game itself. She could dance however she wanted as long as she hit her steps in time on the platform. Once she found a song she liked, she danced to it a few times. Her moves looked natural, yet I noticed she repeated them each time—like memorized choreography. Since she made that comment about hips, I found myself watching hers as she danced. She knew how to move them to guide her steps and momentum; knew how to make her legs look much longer than they were as she stepped.</p><p>Her rhythm and body language were strangely alluring. Rise moved with an understated sex appeal: sophisticated and full of class. Every now and then as she danced, Rise looked over at me. Through the contouring of her arms over her face, her gaze spoke volumes to me. My breath slowed; heat crept up to my face, camouflaged within the flashing lights around us. Averting my eyes didn't hide my thoughts—my attention shifted obviously to her hips, her slender legs and back up again. Rise licked her lips and smiled in satisfaction. I felt my mouth mimicking hers.</p><p>She was the only person in my life who knew how to make me smile with ease, just from being around her. Kanji could, too, but it was different with him. I smiled with him because we got along well. I smiled with Rise because her presence alone wanted me to, and I couldn't resist it—just as I couldn't say no as she pulled me onto the platform with her.</p><p>"All right, Naoto-kun!" said Rise. "Are you ready for our performance?"</p><p>"Err…not quite," I confessed.</p><p>Rise giggled. "It's okay. I'll teach you. Here, stand in front of me." She held my hips, held me close to her. "I'll do the steps first. You don't have to move yet. Just feel me."</p><p>Thankfully, she changed the song to a slower one. At first, Rise only did basic steps behind me. She kept her rhythm in her center—against me. I felt her soft fingertips pressing into the curve of my waist, pressure switching with her direction. I caught a sudden, heated wind each time her breath brushed along the back of my neck, my hair, my shirt.</p><p>Rise purposely kept her chest concaved away from my back. Her intent felt teasing—testing—like she wanted to frustrate me. She got exactly what she wanted.</p><p>Rise didn't make me dance in the end. She was happy to simply let me feel her movements. All the while, I wondered about her layers, her two faces. More so than anyone else I knew, Rise was not one-note. I thought about it some more as she watched me play other games—mostly shooters, as my specialty in the TV World was with using guns. Despite complaining earlier that she didn't think they were fun, she joined me for quite a few rounds. I couldn't remember the last time I'd enjoyed myself this much. There was just something special about hearing her laughter over the other sounds of people, music and video games around us.</p><p>When we finally left the arcade with Kanji, the sun had gone down.</p><p>"Shit, is it time already?" said Kanji, checking his phone. "Damn, I've got a class to teach back at Ma's shop. I'm gonna be late!" He hurried ahead. "See you at Yaso High tomorrow bright and early!"</p><p>"Bye, Kanji-kun!" called Rise. Then she looked to me, confused. "What <em>class</em> is he teaching…?"</p><p>"He made a few stuffed dolls for a little boy several weeks ago," I said. "Since then, he's received many commissions. He decided to teach a class to show how he makes them. It's a safe hobby for him and he makes money from it."</p><p>Rise smiled brightly. "Aww, that's sweet of him." Not many people were out at this hour. "Naoto-kun, which way do you live? I remember someone saying the Shirogane estate is kinda far from here."</p><p>"I actually have to visit the police station," I replied. "I won't be returning home for a few hours."</p><p>"How come? Is it about your job?"</p><p>As I walked Rise home, I explained my situation. Now that my grandfather was unwell, somehow my work credentials as an investigator had been taken away from me. Everyone who doubted my abilities finally had an excuse to deny me from investigating any cases—not only in Inaba, but every other nearby precinct as well. My superiors wouldn't have discriminated against my age nearly as much if I still passed as a boy. After my involvement in the Midnight Channel case landed the mastermind in jail, I should have been rewarded. Instead, I hadn't been called in to participate in a single investigation during this month-long break.</p><p>If they were going to fire me, I needed them to say it to my face. I would decide from there if I wanted to pursue a discrimination suit against them. And yet, the police department would have found some way to sweep it all under the rug.</p><p>Rise seemed genuinely angry for me. "That's terrible!" she said. "Don't they get how much they need your skills? You're smart enough to solve any case out there! Why don't they see that?"</p><p>"This always happens," I muttered. "As soon as a high profile case comes up, they bring me in. Once it's over, they forget I exist. Or they treat me like a child speaking out of turn when I ask for work. Now that things have calmed down in Inaba, they don't need me anymore. They likely won't again—not even with another big case in the future. They don't owe my grandfather any <em>favors</em> now that he's…"</p><p>"Ohh, that makes me so mad! I mean, I understood before why you pretended to be a boy. But now it makes even more sense. It's like…you didn't ask to be a girl. You've always wanted to be a detective, but you can't keep the job unless you act like someone you're not. How do you deal with it?"</p><p>"It's…damaged me in a lot of ways. You and the others helped me realize that I don't actually want to be a man. I simply don't want to deal with these barriers because of what I am."</p><p>Rise had a faraway look in her eyes. "I think I know what you mean," she said softly.</p><p>"I'm curious—does this have anything to do with Senpai?"</p><p>"Mmm, maybe," replied Rise with a sad smile. "How'd you guess?"</p><p>"It's obvious that he affected you deeply, Rise-san. I could tell that you cared for him very much."</p><p>"You're right. But, deep down, I knew from the beginning that it wasn't meant to be. I tried so hard to get Senpai to like me. Yukiko-senpai was right about one thing…I was desperate for his attention. It's pathetic how crazy I was about him. I didn't know the first thing about Senpai—not even his real name—and I wanted to be with him forever. He seemed reliable…I guess that's why."</p><p>"Reliable in what way?" I asked.</p><p>Rise averted her eyes again. "He knew about the other me," she clarified. "All of you know. But he was quiet enough to not ask too many questions about her. That's what I mean."</p><p>"I remember. I joined up later, but we did go back to your club for me to see what was there."</p><p>"The thing is, even after I got my Persona, I still hated that other part of me. I thought the only way I could ignore her was if I settled down with a nice boy. One who wouldn't bring out that part of my personality. Being with Senpai was sweet for a while, but…"</p><p>"He didn't challenge you at all," I finished for her.</p><p>Rise shook her head. "I had no idea what I really needed," she continued. "I know now. I've accepted it. It's just hard, knowing that I could have been with a good person if I wasn't like this."</p><p>We stopped outside her family's shop. The front doors were closed and the lights upstairs were on. Here in front of me, Rise was clearly at odds with herself. In life, just as I once blamed myself for not being a man, Rise blamed herself for being too complicated. Today alone, I must have witnessed her move through a dozen moods and it hadn't fazed me at all. I was the same, except my moods changed within me, through my thoughts—not for others to see. I understood that she was nuanced—much more than perhaps society was comfortable with. Just as I was. She knew it, too. I saw the mutual understanding; the same thoughts, but in a different voice, all running through her eyes. When she sighed in relief, everything I felt was justified.</p><p>"Naoto-kun, it's really late," she said after a while. "You should head straight home. I know you can take care of yourself, but…I don't want anything happening to you. Can't the police station wait?"</p><p>"If you insist, Rise-san," I replied, smiling.</p><p>"Good! Promise you'll text me as soon as you get in, okay?"</p><p>This was awkward. "…I actually don't have your number."</p><p>Rise checked her phone in alarm. "Oh… Naoto Shirogane… No, you're not here. We used to talk through the others to meet up before, huh? That's all over now."</p><p>After we exchanged numbers, I wasn't sure what to say. I wanted to reassure her that everything would be all right; that she didn't need to feel ashamed of her complex nature. The words wouldn't come. Rise knew, somehow. She gave me a thoughtful hug and bade me good night. I left for the nearby bus stop in a daze.</p>
<hr/><p>I hardly slept at all that night. One text message to Rise led to another from her, and my reply, and then her reply, with each successive one a bit longer than the last. Lying in bed, waiting for her to say something back, rereading her earlier replies, thinking more and more about our day together at the arcade, and when I walked her home… Rise and I had so much to talk about. So much more in common than I realized. Waiting for her to text me back felt like an eternity each time. And in that eternity, I remembered the flickering I'd felt in my chest earlier from her dancing against me. I stared up at my bedroom ceiling in the dark, lit faintly by the light of my phone. I thought back to the light goading of her body behind mine, subtly asking me to move in-time with her. She'd been so close to me. Her hands, her hips, her face, all somewhere near me, or on me. Each time I thought about a different detail, my mind expanded a little more, and a little more, until I could hold in this space all the days and months that I'd wasted without truly <em>looking </em>at her.</p><p>I had been focused on other things before. Still, I was a fool to not have told Rise how beautiful she was.</p><p>At about three in the morning, Rise asked if she could call me for a few minutes. Her family had finally gone to bed. She would have called earlier, but she didn't want to risk anyone eavesdropping. I called her first. When she picked up the phone, her voice sounded sultry with fatigue.</p><p>"<em>This is bad…we have to wake up for school in a few hours," </em>she murmured.</p><p>"I know…"</p><p>Rise let out a sleepy giggle. <em>"Naoto-kun, you sound different when you're tired."</em></p><p>"How do I sound?" I asked.</p><p>"<em>Your voice is a lot deeper. Not like a boy's or anything. Just—deeper, you know? Smoother, too."</em></p><p>I wasn't thinking anymore. "Is that supposed to be a compliment, Rise-san?"</p><p>"<em>Yes…I didn't think you'd ask."</em></p><p>"After finding out where your Persona's from, it makes sense that you're like this."</p><p>"<em>Like what, hm?"</em></p><p>"Mischievous. Playful. Not so much today, but I know how you usually are. You have a darker side that you don't show too much. That's the part of you that your ex couldn't handle, isn't it? Your sexuality. I remember how scandalous your other self is. That doesn't just go away overnight."</p><p>"<em>I wish I could show you how right you are… But you know we have to go to bed."</em></p><p>My weariness somehow amplified this warm mist through my head, listening to her words. Turning over all the possible implications. Innuendo. Was that what this was? Was I imagining it? I had to ask:</p><p>"You really wish you could show me?"</p><p>"<em>Mmm, you have no idea. I love that you aren't hiding anymore. You embrace everything you are now, and it shows. When I first saw you earlier, I wanted to tell you how sexy you looked. Talking with you like this gets to me—so much."</em></p><p>"It feels surreal," I breathed. "I've always thought you were stunning, talented… I couldn't tell you."</p><p>Rise sounded like she smiled as she said, <em>"I missed out. I wasted my time on someone who couldn't be honest with me. Everything about you is honest, from the things you say to the way you dress and how you hold yourself. I want to know more about you." </em>She let out a contented sigh. <em>"Naoto-kun. Tell me good night. Wait for me at the usual corner by our school…the one where we all used to meet… I need to see you and Kanji-kun there. I need to know I won't be alone this year without the others."</em></p><p>"We'll be there—I promise. Good night, Rise-san."</p><p>I pulled the phone away from my ear, narrowing my eyes against the bright screen. Rise waited a moment before hanging up first. This tightness in my chest was almost too much to bear. It felt as though I constantly had my breath held, waiting to exhale. I was at once tense and liberated: Rise had a sensuality about her that I hadn't fully seen before; now that I had, I didn't know what to do without it. For once I was left speechless by another. This was nothing like me. Nothing like me. Not at all… Not at all…yet here I was, replaying the day with her in my head as I looked up at my dark ceiling. I blinked once; I fell asleep and awoke in the same second. I saw the morning light spreading through my windows, over my indigo walls. I watched the sunrise wash over the polished black surfaces in my room—my desk, the dresser, my dark headboard behind me, my dozens of filled bookcases all stacked with textbooks. Only when my alarm went off did I think to move.</p><p>Rise wanted me to meet her before school with Kanji, so the three of us could walk together. I had to get there earlier than her. That made me get in the shower and get ready for the day. I ironed my <em>gakuran</em>—long-sleeved black top and matching pants. I'd had mine tailored to actually fit my body so that they wouldn't make me look like I drowned in my clothes. I was tempted to wear my hat again. In the end, I decided to put it back. I couldn't keep hiding.</p><p>While I was busy combing my hair back with gel, I vaguely heard the news coming from the TV down the hall. One of my grandfather's caretakers stayed in the room across the landing. They wanted to pretend as if I didn't exist; suddenly I didn't care about the news anymore, focused instead on getting dressed. My thoughts were all over the place and nowhere at the same time. I wasn't sure what to believe—if this feeling I got from Rise was real or not. She was a natural flirt, but she wouldn't flirt with someone unless she honestly found them attractive. At least that was what I wanted to believe. I was used to concrete evidence in my work as an investigator. Yet this was completely different from work, from investigating, from looking over police reports and piecing together clues and motivations. This was incomparable.</p><p>The energy around Yasogami High was unusual that morning. Everyone looked agitated, panicked. They walked in tight groups, eyes glued to their phones, lips moving quickly with gossip.</p><p>Kanji was late. I had sent him a text some minutes ago asking him to be here a bit earlier. He had yet to respond to me. When I saw him down the street, I scowled at him, wondering why he had ignored my text message. But my scowl quickly vanished when I saw how exhausted Kanji looked.</p><p>"Mornin'," he mumbled. "You look like you haven't heard the news. Lucky you…"</p><p>"News?" I asked. "What news?"</p><p>Kanji pulled up his email on his phone and showed me the message. "Everyone in Inaba has the same phone provider," he explained. "Small town, you know? Turns out the company screwed us all over. There was a security breach…" The official-looking email was from the phone provider explaining the details. "Someone sent us some phony text messages. Whoever opened the text and clicked the link got some kinda program put on their phone. Then some anonymous fuck sent out a mass email with all the shit they dug up on us. Everyone knows everyone else's business for real now."</p><p>"That's unheard of," I said, worried. "No wonder everyone's acting out this morning."</p><p>"Yeah… I didn't see any of your dirty laundry in the email. Did you get the text?"</p><p>"I received a strange message yesterday. I deleted it without opening it."</p><p>Kanji let out a dry laugh. "Of course you did," he said. "You're too smart to fall for a cheap trick."</p><p>"But I don't have the same phone provider as you. I still received an odd text message. This sounds like a serious issue that's bound to spread to other towns and cities."</p><p>"Only a matter of time, I guess."</p><p>A group of our fellow second years passed by. Their smirks and laughter seemed strangely perverted, like they were looking at something they shouldn't have.</p><p>"How bad is the leak?" I asked.</p><p>Kanji cringed. "The school's gonna have a total meltdown," he said. "I passed by another group of Yaso kids earlier. They were going at it all because of some crazy drama that came out from the breach. The police had to break 'em up. But that's not the worst part."</p><p>He brought up the local news on his browser. There was the headline—Rise's nude photographs had been leaked online and to the press, and now there was severe backlash against <em>her, </em>not whoever leaked them. Scores of entertainers commented on the scandal, claiming that Rise's career was officially over. The public consensus was largely negative against her. I was livid. This wasn't Rise's fault at all! Of course, no one cared about that—they were scandalized that she had even taken the pictures in the first place. Needlessly blaming her for something that was out of her control… This had shades of Yukiko and Chie's verbal assault against Rise some weeks ago.</p><p>Kanji closed his phone. "A bunch of dick pics got leaked in that email," he went on. "No one's talking about that. The guys who were stupid enough to have their faces in the pictures are fucking bragging about it. <em>'Yeah, man, that's me!' </em>The hell?! And Rise-chan's getting torn up in the news?"</p><p>"Double-standards," I hissed. "Where is she?"</p><p>Rise approached us, wearing her black sailor uniform. She had her hair down again. "Hey," she said, sounding tired. "Guess you heard, huh…?"</p><p>Everyone kept <em>staring</em>…I did my best to ignore it. "Are you all right?" I asked.</p><p>Rise shrugged, saying, "The bell hasn't rung yet and the principal already called me into his office."</p><p>"Hang on!" said Kanji. "They're not gonna expel you for this, are they? Or suspend you?"</p><p>"No, he promised he wouldn't…he just wants to talk."</p><p>"Huh? You mean you're not worried or anything?"</p><p>"I don't know," said Rise. "I'm a little distracted with other things." She glanced at me. "You two know how the other me is. This whole scandal is exactly what she wants. I've accepted her being part of me. So that means I have nothing to be embarrassed about. Or at least that's what I keep thinking…"</p><p>"Well, good for you, I guess," replied Kanji. "Everyone knows I'm bi now. Maybe I should take a page outta your book and just not care. Kinda hard, you know?"</p><p>Rise covered her mouth with her hands. "Kanji-kun, that's awful! They shouldn't have outed you."</p><p>"Nah, it's fine. No one's gonna mess with me over it. At least they better not. Oh yeah, did you see Yukiko-senpai and Chie-senpai's texts about you?"</p><p>"Oh, I definitely saw them," said Rise, haughty.</p><p>The two of them went on about more gossip. This whole situation made no sense to me.</p><p>"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "Rise-san, you <em>really</em> aren't concerned about this scandal? The entertainment industry as a whole wants to blacklist you over something you weren't responsible for!"</p><p>Rise tilted her head, staring starkly into me. "It's complicated," she replied. "You know that, Naoto-kun… I'm trying to take the good with the bad. I spent a whole month beating myself up over a silly boy! I'm sick of crying. So I'm going to be as optimistic as I possibly can about this." She checked the time on her phone. "I'd better get going… I'll see you in class later. Hopefully."</p><p>Kanji and I stayed by her side, walking over to Yasogami High together. We both glared at anyone who stared at Rise for too long. She managed to smile at both of us. This was an unexpected start to our second year together. I sensed it brought us closer somehow. In solidarity, the three of us walked through the school gates into the full pandemonium of screaming and fighting in the halls.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chaos Theory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>By the end of the week, the disarray within Yasogami High hadn't changed much at all. I sat in class three on the second floor before lunch. This was supposed to be English hour, but the other students wouldn't calm down. Mr. Kondo had since given up trying to teach us anything. He had written our assignment on the board before sitting at his desk with his head down. Some questionable information had also come out about him. He was understandably humiliated as it was and had no energy to give a lecture. Meanwhile, most everyone else sat on top of their desks in groups, discussing the gossip from yet another mass email that had been sent out. Groups that had once been close friends now jeered at each other, taking sides and pitting blame. Even Kanji joined in on the spectacle, having gained popularity after everyone found out about his interest in men. I was glad that people admired him for owning up to his true self.</p><p>Rise sat right next to me at her desk. We had both finished our assignments some time ago. She was busy composing song lyrics in her notebook, humming a gentle tune as she went along. I liked that she leaned against me as she worked. I was left-handed; I could finish other homework while she composed. I glanced outside to the skies dark with rain clouds. Nostalgia filled me as I watched the gray filter pour through the windows and into the classroom. Listening to Rise sing as but a whisper made this chaos enjoyable. After a while, she wrapped my arm in hers, squeezing mine a bit to get my attention.</p><p>As I turned back, Rise reached up to whisper to me, "Do you always finish your work this fast?"</p><p>Hints of suggestion in her tone warmed me. "Not all the time," I said. "I make sure to be thorough."</p><p>Rise laughed softly. "The quiet ones are good at that," she teased. "You know what a girl wants, don't you, Naoto-kun? I wish you'd tell me a little more about the girlfriends you had."</p><p>"I'm not an expert," I insisted. "And they were both very…self-centered."</p><p>"You still gave them <em>what</em> they wanted, <em>when </em>they wanted it. Didn't you like satisfying them?"</p><p>"I did at the time… I don't think about them with any fondness. You're constantly on my mind."</p><p>The energy about her shifted. Rise fidgeted with her pen. She turned the paper with her lyrics over, keeping me from seeing what she'd written. "Naoto-kun, is it weird…that I'm nervous right now?" she wondered.</p><p>"Why are you nervous?" I asked.</p><p>"Inaba's district attorney is going to be here later. He's investigating the security breach. Whoever downloaded my pictures to their phones and shared them were taken to the police station for more questioning. I know I didn't do anything wrong… I don't want to go through this alone."</p><p>"I get the feeling you're not telling me everything," I said. Rise touched the crease along my jacket, observing it; biding her time. This kind of silence gave her more depth than her flirting with me.</p><p>"We've known each other for almost a year. You kept an eye on me when I first came to Inaba, back when you were investigating the Midnight Channel murders on your own. I've felt safe around you since then. Now that we're talking more, I get to see you for who you truly are. You're letting me take away the layers around your mystery. I don't know why, but it makes my nerves go crazy. There are so many possibilities. I can't stop thinking about them all at once."</p><p>All the noise around us faded away. The look in her eyes was full of sincerity. I settled my lips next to her ear, saying, "Tell me one of these possibilities. Tell me why you like it."</p><p>Rise and I spoke like this, both mouth-to-ear, hidden in the disorder around us. "I could tell you anything, all my secrets, and I know you'd listen patiently," she said, warm breath soothing my skin. "I've wanted that for so long. You're dependable and kind… You wouldn't judge me. Would you?"</p><p>The tender inflection of her question resonated with me. "I can't judge you, Rise-san."</p><p>"After school today, when the town's DA gets here…could you sit in the room with me? He wants me to give a statement about those pictures. I didn't take them myself. It's kind of a long story. And it's humiliating. My grandmother will be there. I want you with me, too."</p><p>"What about your lawyer? You should have one for this."</p><p>"I had one," said Rise. "I found out he's friends with my parents. I can't trust him anymore. You'll find out why if you come with me. So…will you?"</p><p>I promised her that I would. Rise rested her head along my shoulder, whispering her gratitude. We stayed silent for a while. I held her until class was over. For all of her confidence, Rise was in a vulnerable type of mood that day. I didn't blame her. If this meeting with the DA was meant to bring back terrible memories, then she had every reason to feel this way. And after getting to know Rise more this past week, I felt protective of her. I knew that she could handle things on her own if she had to. I knew that she was a strong person, both inside and out. She had to be to have made it in the entertainment business at such a young age. I liked that she wasn't too embarrassed to show me this part of her. It took a lot of strength for her to be open with me like this.</p><p>Lunch hour finally made most of the class disperse. While things quieted down, Rise slipped off to the restroom down the hall. Once she was gone, I missed her warmth in my arms.</p><p>Kanji noticed. He sat on his desk directly in front of me. "What's up with her?" he asked. "She okay?"</p><p>"She's worried about speaking with the district attorney later," I answered.</p><p>"Makes sense. This whole thing's gotta be stressing her out. I don't know how she deals with it."</p><p>"I don't know, either."</p><p>I was about to retrieve my lunch from my bag. For some reason, I had no appetite. Before Mr. Kondo left our classroom, he pulled out the TV for us to watch the news. I glanced at the frantic reporter running toward a rather violent protest outside a bank. The security breach had leaked sensitive banking information, causing widespread overdrafts for thousands of customers. I could have helped solve this case. The Inaba PD had yet to call me in. I knew they weren't going to bother. They were more concerned about saving face and keeping me out of the loop instead of begging me to help with the investigation. Strangely enough, I found that I didn't want to take on the case by myself.</p><p>Unless this breach affected me personally at some point, I'd let the police handle things.</p><p>A few moments passed with Kanji staring at me in silence. Only when I made eye contact with him did he think to speak. "Hey, Naoto-kun," he said. "I've been thinking… Remember back when I thought you were a boy and I liked you? Then I found out you were a girl—nothing changed. Does that mean I'm weird, or…or something?"</p><p>"Quite the contrary," I replied. "You like the person, not their gender. I think it's a good thing."</p><p>Kanji had to keep from stuttering. "What about you?" he asked, grimacing.</p><p>"What about me?"</p><p>"Do you…like people as people and not their gender?"</p><p>I hadn't told him about my brief dating history. That subject never seemed appropriate with him. Kanji needed me to give him advice, to support him. My personal past rarely came up in our conversations. The most I had discussed with him was both of my parents dying in a car accident; how that made me anxious to get my learner's permit in a few weeks once I turned seventeen. And he knew that my grandfather was ill. Nothing more. Now that he made a point to ask about <em>me</em> directly, I was suspicious. I saw the blush tinting his face.</p><p>Why did Kanji like me? He knew very little about me as a person. I saw within him a barrier, a stopper to how deep our conversations could become. With Rise, emotionally and mentally—perhaps physically—her potential was limitless. I couldn't tell Kanji that. Not now. Yet, he deserved <em>some</em> honesty from me.</p><p>"I can appreciate male beauty," I said. "But I'm afraid I can't connect with them on another level."</p><p>Sweat rolled down Kanji's forehead, his neck. "So you're saying…you don't like guys?" he asked.</p><p>"…I'm sorry, Kanji-kun," was all I could say.</p><p>Kanji clenched his fists and looked away. "Yeah, me too," he said sadly.</p><p>He was terribly upset. I had no idea what to say. I watched his mind piece together the clues about the rest of my story. Kanji had to have guessed by now that Rise and I were closer than usual. As long as he didn't get angry or jealous, I had faith that everything would be fine. Rise still hadn't returned from the restroom. I left the classroom and went to go check on her.</p><p>As soon as I entered the room, I saw the green of Chie's jacket and Yukiko's trademark red shirt. Both girls were standing by one of the sinks. They had no reason to be on the second floor. They were third years—they should have been on the third floor with the rest of their classmates. I couldn't believe they purposely came down here. Rise was a few sinks down from them, looking at herself in the mirror as she brushed her hair. I went over to her, matching Yukiko and Chie's death glares. I needed them to know that I wasn't intimidated or afraid. They looked away first and went back to whispering to each other, obviously gossiping about us. Just over a month ago, I respected Yukiko and Chie. I had considered them good friends. Everything was so different now.</p><p>Rise relaxed somewhat as I stood next to her. "Naoto-kun," she said, nonchalant. "Do you like my hair better like this? Or do you miss my old style?"</p><p>I knew this was only an act. She didn't want Chie and Yukiko to know that she was bothered by them. "I prefer this style," I said, regarding her through the mirror. "Your hair is too long for pigtails. You look more mature with it down. It's fitting. You're turning seventeen in a month and a half, after all."</p><p>Rise chewed her bottom lip. She turned to me and reached up to touch my slicked-back hair. "You're handsome and pretty at the same time," she breathed. She held my face in her hands, softly. "Every time I look at you, I feel like I can see...<em>everything. </em>You're unexpected. You challenge everyone's perceptions just by existing. That's powerful. It makes me think <em>you're </em>powerful. Strong. Are you?"</p><p>The whispering on the other end of the room stopped. Through the mirror, I felt Yukiko and Chie's eyes on us. I should've cared. I should've been self-conscious. I was too focused on Rise to let that happen.</p><p>"I do my best, Rise-san," I replied. "You've seen my other self. You know she's only a child."</p><p>"She's honest. That takes a lot."</p><p>I smiled wistfully and said, "She wants to be accepted. She's petulant and impatient. After accepting that part of me, I've learned to tolerate it in others. That goes for all kinds of imperfections. I know that you're moody; you enjoy being in the spotlight. This issue going on…" My eyes drifted to the mirror—to Yukiko and Chie—and back again. "You've found a way to like it, haven't you?"</p><p>Rise gave me an impish smile. "They took Senpai away from me…and brought me closer to you." She glossed her hands down my shoulders, the arms of my jacket, leaning into me slightly. "I want to make sure they know how grateful I am." Her gaze lingered over the open stall behind us. I held my breath. Rise's suggestiveness knew no bounds. But a tease was only a tease. She'd made me follow her line of thinking; it made her happy. Rise pressed her smile along my face, lips gentle and smooth. "Come on."</p><p>She linked our arms together, guiding me back to our classroom. Chie and Yukiko pretended to ignore us as we passed by. I <em>wanted</em> to bask in Rise's more overt attention. I felt this heat—everywhere—and no amount of rationalizing could make it go away. I rationalized anyway. I remembered how I always fell for the girls who liked attention, who liked me propping them up. In the end, they took advantage of my willingness to cater to them. Or they disregarded my needs. Or they acted as though I should have been happy with what we had—as if their attention and presence were enough to satisfy me.</p><p>I felt the beginnings of a splinter here. I was quiet as I ate lunch with Rise and Kanji, only half-listening as they spoke about the news. Normally I would have protected myself from falling into a situation like this. I would have grown suspicious the moment Rise started flirting with me. I would have shut myself off and kept her wondering instead of giving anything back. Was I too uptight about this? I wasn't the type to flirt the way she did. She seemed to like how serious I was. And I had promised myself not too long ago to have more fun. So what if I didn't know every single detail about Rise's life? I liked her being this way with me. I liked her energy. I liked spending time with her.</p><p>Simplicity was a beautiful thing.</p><p>This didn't need to be complicated. <em>I didn't have to take this so seriously.</em> I had nothing to lose, after all.</p>
<hr/><p>P.E. was our last class of the day. We were out in the field even though it looked like it was about to rain. Everyone else complained about not getting to be out in the sun. I loved this atmosphere—the gloom and imminent rain gave the air a crisp smell that I enjoyed. When our teacher had us play rugby on the grass field, he divided us into teams: boys versus girls. We weren't supposed to tackle the other team, but our teacher said he'd understand if it happened. Rise smiled to herself as she held my arm in both of hers. The rest of the girls clamored around me, automatically assuming that I was good at sports for some reason. I was decent at kicking the ball…and I was a fast runner. I didn't have the body mass to play rugby as it was intended.</p><p>Rise took the lead and helped us strategize. Her plans seemed solid—making me run across the field to make plays was our best option. I knew she was counting on me, more so than everyone else. That sent a surge of adrenaline through me. I definitely didn't want to disappoint her.</p><p>"Don't be too rough with the boys!" she called. The other girls laughed. "Let's do our best and win!"</p><p>Rise smiled sweetly at me as we all took our places. I couldn't stop myself from smirking at her. My amusement left me when I saw Kanji on the other end of the field. Even at this distance, I knew his rough gaze wasn't fixed on me. I was in the center, ready to catch the ball during the kickoff. I didn't have time to figure out who Kanji was busy staring at—soon the ball was in the air, and my team was ready to win. I caught the full force of the ball, bending forward and running with that momentum. All of the boys rushed at me in a disorganized pack—scattered and scrawny, except for Kanji. They left my teammates wide open. I kicked the ball to Rise and she scored with ease. All that dancing gave her plenty of endurance. She was an excellent runner.</p><p>Our team's good spirits were short-lived—they lasted until the next play.</p><p>After I kicked off the ball, Kanji caught it. Rise was closest to him; she stayed on his heel as he ran through the field. From this angle, I saw the anger in Kanji's face, his concentration.</p><p>Rise giggled. "I'm gonna get you, Kanji-kun!" she said, nearing him. "You'd better run faster!"</p><p>Just as Rise was about to tag him, Kanji swiped at her with a vengeance. Caught off guard, Rise lost her momentum. Her impeccable balance kept her from tripping. I went over to her as Kanji scored.</p><p>"Rise-san!" I said, out of breath. "Are you all right?"</p><p>Rise soured at Kanji cheering with the other boys, asking, "What's <em>his</em> problem…?"</p><p>I wanted to make an excuse for him—that Kanji was too competitive—if only to keep Rise from worrying. That would've been pointless. Understanding washed over Rise's face. She pursed her lips, eyes narrowed. Among our old group, it was no secret that Kanji liked me. I made a point not to entertain him at all whenever he showed signs of it. Apparently that didn't matter to him. And now Rise had put the clues together. She knew exactly why Kanji had done what he did. I thought she might have held my hand, or whispered to me—or something—when Kanji looked over at us. Rise didn't play into that game. Instead, she went with the rest of our team to our end of the field for the next kickoff. She seemed…disappointed and hurt.</p><p>A few more plays, scoring and cheering, and we reached the last half hour of class. My team was slightly ahead. If the boys scored again, there would have been a tie. Kanji had mostly kept his distance from both Rise and me. Out of the blue, he decided to focus on Rise again. She rushed down the field at full speed; Kanji intercepted Rise and bodily tackled her to the ground. I ran over to them as everyone else circled around nearby. I caught Kanji saying something to her. Rise let out a sound of distress and shoved him off of her, saying something back.</p><p>"Kanji!" I yelled. "What is wrong with you?! Have you lost your mind? You're almost twice her size!"</p><p>Mr. Kondo was nowhere to be found; he was having a crisis, again. He wasn't available to intervene.</p><p>Kanji brushed me off. "It was an accident, all right?!" he snapped. "Geez. It's no big deal."</p><p>"You ass," I hissed. Kanji flinched. "It doesn't <em>matter</em> if it was only an accident! Apologize to her."</p><p>"…sorry, Rise-chan—"</p><p>Rise swatted him away. "Stop!" she cried. Kanji covered his head with his arms. "You're only saying sorry because <em>she </em>wants you to! You don't actually mean it…"</p><p>Kanji had nothing else to say. He got to his feet and walked off.</p><p>That old expression of seeing red had come true for me. I felt the anger building in my eyes, sockets shaking by an internal earthquake. Rise still sat on the ground, nodding faintly as our classmates asked if she was all right. When she tried to stand, she winced in pain. I set my emotions aside and went to her. Rise didn't have to ask; I picked her up in my arms and carried her to the bleachers across the way. As I walked with her, Rise's frustration seemed to leave her. She wrapped her arms around my neck and relaxed in my hold.</p><p>Rise sighed deeply. "Thank you, Naoto-kun," she said. "You make me feel special. I love that about you."</p><p>"You deserve it," I replied. Once I set her down along the first row, I checked to make sure her ankle wasn't broken. "Just a bit of swelling. Some ice should clear things up. You'll be fine."</p><p>One of our classmates, Naoki Konishi, came over to us. His older sister Saki was the second murder victim in the Midnight Channel case last year. From how forlorn he appeared, he was still affected by his sister's death. I didn't blame or judge him. "Hey, Naoto-san," he said. "You sitting out the rest of the game, too? Our teams are gonna be uneven without Rise-san."</p><p>"No," I answered. "I'm going to get Kanji back for this."</p><p>"How?" asked Rise, surprised. "Are you going to tackle him? He's huge!"</p><p>I smirked and said, "I'll figure out a way."</p><p>Naoki shrugged. "Sounds good to me," he agreed. "Rise-san, you need some ice? I can get you some from the nurse's office. Looks like Mr. Kondo fucked off again. He's a mess."</p><p>Rise smiled. "That's sweet of you, Naoki-san—thank you," she replied. As Naoki left, Rise held her hand out to me. "Naoto-kun, I want your jacket to hold onto. I'll be cheering for you!"</p><p>This silly grin on my face wouldn't go away. I handed her my jacket and returned to the field. I was suddenly cold in just my T-shirt and sweatpants. Light rainfall scattered through the winds. My anger with Kanji returned for the game. He had the nerve to look unfazed about what had happened. I couldn't <em>believe</em> he would act on his jealousy like that.</p><p>I played harder, ran faster and scored as much as I could, with Rise cheering me on all the while. Every now and then, I looked over at her sitting with Naoki in the bleachers. She had my jacket over her head, covering her hair from the rain. Rise boosted my morale a lot—maybe too much. The boys had yet to score again. I wanted to make sure we ended the match that way. In the last few minutes of class, Kanji had the ball. He crossed the field, dodging the rest of my teammates with ease. I ran downfield, pushing myself to run faster than him. I should have slipped in the wet grass. My drive created more traction for me. This out-of-body experience was rare; I took full advantage of it. Once I was ahead of Kanji, I turned, running straight at him.</p><p>Kanji stopped like a deer caught in headlights. I charged into him. The impact rippled through me, and again, harder when he hit the ground. Kanji's groaning and the class' laughter slowly filtered through my senses. When I woke up to myself, I felt something strange against me, shaped by Kanji's sweatpants. I quickly realized what it was. Like a cat jumping out of water, I scrambled off of him and stood up. Once class was over, I went back over to Rise. She and Naoki laughed at Kanji as he stalked by on his way to the locker rooms. His face was completely red.</p><p>I might have pushed myself too much. I was so exhausted; ringing in my ears…I was afraid I'd pass out. But I didn't show it. I couldn't let Rise worry over me. Her ankle was fine enough for her to walk. I listened to her praises as our school day came to an end. I wanted Rise to be in high spirits for what awaited her in a few minutes. I knew that this talk with the district attorney would be difficult for her.</p>
<hr/><p>I walked with Rise to the faculty room where her meeting was scheduled. Her grandmother sat outside the room, waiting. I bowed to her; she gave me a sad smile, exchanging pleasantries. Rise went inside first and had us follow her. When I saw Yu's uncle, Ryotaro Dojima, leaning against one of the tables, I stopped in my tracks. <em>He </em>was the new district attorney? The district promoted him after his non-involvement in the Midnight Channel case after our Investigation Team did all the work? This was <em>beyond </em>ridiculous! Even Rise looked affronted. Dojima had on a real suit and tie. His new badge showed his title. He hadn't shaved that scruff from his tanned face, and his hair was slightly unkempt as ever. With his increased workload, I imagined him leaving his seven-year-old daughter Nanako at home alone more often. This was completely unfair on every level.</p><p>"Miss Kujikawa," greeted Dojima, in his usual tired-but-professional tone. "It's good to see you again." Then he regarded me. "Shirogane. I figured you would be here."</p><p>Rise spoke before I could, "Um…Dojima-san, how did you get promoted?"</p><p>Dojima sighed. "It's complicated," he evaded.</p><p>"Oh, sure," retorted Rise, annoyed. "Because discrimination is <em>such</em> a complicated thing, right? You didn't <em>do </em>anything to solve the case! All you did was let Adachi throw you off the right trail. Naoto-kun did more work than you! And now the station won't give her any work! How is that fair?!"</p><p>"Rise-san," I said, touching her shoulder. She huffed and sat down with her grandmother. "I'm acting as her legal representative and an extra witness for her statement. Is that fine with you?"</p><p>"Of course," replied Dojima. "Have a seat." I had to stop myself from leering at him. Dojima pulled at his collar, clearly nervous. He knew this was wrong and he took the job anyway… "Now, Miss Kujikawa, I've looked over your file concerning these photographs. As I understand it, the case was thrown out of court. Japan's current stance on child pornography laws are in-limbo. Your lawyer instead wanted to press charges against the photographer's studio for the emotional damages you suffered, correct?"</p><p>Rise stared down at her hands, pulling at them. "Yes…"</p><p>"Just to be clear, we're not accusing you of anything. I only want you to tell your story one more time."</p><p>Listening to Rise's statement threw me into a mental time warp. I was taken to a faraway world, one where Rise wasn't yet famous. She wasn't confident. She wasn't cheerful. She was only fourteen years old. She was lonely. She was insecure, desperately seeking approval from others; needing fame as a platform to find true friends. Her parents were content to use their daughter for her eventual fame. They did whatever they could to send her to the top. And they contacted a certain, gifted photographer—a grown man who promised he would make Rise famous with the publicity from this photoshoot. And when Rise arrived to the studio, alone, the photographer was kind to her at first. He praised her <em>attractiveness</em>, her <em>ripeness; </em>how different she was from her peers. He claimed he wished to capture this uniqueness about her.</p><p>Photoshoots in costumes, first: those similar to what a Japanese girl would wear on stage to perform in.</p><p>Photoshoots in bathing suits, next: he promised she looked lovely, and that everyone would adore her.</p><p>He stopped to praise her again. Rise found comfort and confidence through his words. When she returned the next day, the photographer expressed his worry that the pictures weren't good enough. That Rise herself wasn't good enough—not in these costumes, these bathing suits. She had to be more than; thinner than; barer than she was. Rise saw him as a man of power. His word was law; his genius was bound to send her to stardom as she so desperately craved. Alone in a room, with white bright lights and a black backdrop, Rise got down on the floor as he asked. He leaned over her; told her she would look better with her clothes off. He got much too close to Rise, touching her between clicks of his camera. He fed her the lies that she was worthless with clothes on; that a girl's worth was only in her measurements and willingness to submit to authority. He twisted Rise into believing he knew best.</p><p>Complexes of a shadow formed through this moment—Rise's shadow self. The basis of her Persona.</p><p>When Rise finished her story, I waited for Dojima to wrap the meeting up. He thanked her for her honesty. He apologized to me without giving a reason why. I heard that ringing in my ears again; heard distant echoes of Rise's innocence crying in death. All of that mixed with my own insecurities being brought back to the surface again—in being denied work, by the true idea of those higher-ups at the station sitting around laughing at the idea of treating me fairly. I forgot the exact moment when I left the room and ran upstairs to the second floor bathroom. Not the first floor. I didn't want to be found.</p><p>When I put the images of Rise's story on top of what had happened earlier with Kanji, I felt sick. I leaned against the same stall Rise had glanced at hours ago. Sexual or not, the image of someone forcing themselves on top of Rise brought me back to her hollow tale.</p><p>Rise was such a positive person… Was she traumatized? Was her happiness an illusion?</p><p>Eventually, I heard the tentative sounds of someone stepping inside the room.</p><p>"Naoto-kun?" sounded Rise's voice. "Is that you?" She walked over to me by the stall. "Hey…why'd you leave? Are you okay?"</p><p>"I should be asking <em>you</em> that," I said wryly.</p><p>"I wanted you to understand me a little more. This is why…I don't keep in touch with my parents these days. My lawyer didn't even try to win my case. He didn't believe me when I said I was manipulated. His exact words were—<em>'You look happy with who you are in these pictures. He didn't force you to do anything!' </em>Ever since then, I've had to figure things out on my own…"</p><p>"And your shadow," I said, trying to stay composed. "That's where she came from." Rise nodded. "I get why Chie-senpai and Yukiko-senpai's bullying affected you as much as it did. Someone else denying your experiences. Diminishing what you felt. Blaming you. They dehumanized you." I gripped the door of the stall, breath held. "I should have comforted you instead of leaving you alone for a month. I'm sorry…"</p><p>"Don't blame yourself, Naoto-kun," insisted Rise. "You had no idea… No one did."</p><p>"Nothing is what it seems with you, Rise-san."</p><p>Rise wrapped her hands around mine, relaxing my grip over the door. "I could say the same about you."</p><p>That was exactly what kept us bound together like this, getting to know each other more.</p><p>Something in her eyes needed more of me. I held her close to me, coming to terms with the way things were. Navigating the unknown while basking in this familiar warmth that Rise gave me…it pulled me in two different directions. I wanted to know that things would work out: that I would like Rise more and more over time, and we'd go on to have many good memories together. I heard the dissonance through my cloudy instincts; I saw the rainy days, the stormy nights in the future, with me hopelessly attached to Rise and the way she needed me. The ideal happiness I wanted with another was but an illusion. I knew Rise was bound to challenge that idea. That made me hold onto her this tightly, breathing deeper in this haze of her.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Taurus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Just two weeks later, and it was the night before my seventeenth birthday. I spent the hours before midnight holed up in my bedroom, staring at this evidence board. After learning about Rise's traumatic past, I took it upon myself to investigate this case. The photographer who shot those pictures of her was eventually prosecuted for another, similar crime. That wasn't what bothered me. It was the simple fact that the photographs had been leaked online <em>at the same time </em>as the cell phone security breaches, not because of them. Along the board, I had collected numerous screenshots of the mass emails sent out, proving that Rise's embarrassing pictures hadn't come out from the phone leaks. As much as Inaba's cell phone provider had tarnished their reputation, they had also provided public evidence showing that her photographs were not picked up by the malicious program that had affected several users' phones.</p><p>This meant that someone had access to these pictures. They purposely leaked them to make it seem like it was merely collateral damage from the security breach.</p><p>The media hardly believed this story, and it showed. In between analyzing the evidence I'd collected, I watched the newscasters—their moving, empty heads repeated the same thing over and over. The public had finished tearing Rise down; now they had flip flopped to sympathizing with her, insisting that this breach was the only reason her photographs had come to light. If they weren't talking about that, then supposed political experts came in with their conspiracy theories about the government.</p><p>"<em>This leak brought to light several details about criminal activity that the police had been investigating. Now that many arrests have been made and lives have been saved, the government will no doubt consider the positives of what has happened. We could be witnessing the dawn of a new era where surveillance is the norm! Your right to privacy will soon be meaningless."</em></p><p>I ignored that rhetoric for the most part. It was steeped in sensationalism. I stared at my evidence board, trying to piece together possible suspects: someone who had sufficient motive to publicly humiliate Rise and destroy her credibility. According to a few sources, the photographs were already online. They weren't very accessible, but they technically were available to view. Assuming this was true, then anyone who had a reason to hurt Rise could have brought the pictures to a wider audience.</p><p>Of the people I knew, I only had a few suspects.</p><p>
  <em>Yukiko Amagi – Hates Rise for 'claiming' to have dated Yu<br/>
Chie Satonaka – Hates Rise for the same reasons, fiercely protective of Yukiko<br/>
Ai Ebihara – Another third year at Yaso High; has/had a crush on Yu, hated anyone who flirted with him</em>
</p><p>Naturally, I doubted all three of them. I wanted to believe that neither Yukiko or Chie would be this malicious. Ai Ebihara was a strange case. I remembered discovering Yu spending an inordinate amount of time with her, even going so far as to skip classes at her behest. He was her <em>fake boyfriend </em>for a while until he finally broke things off. This happened last September during the time when Yu and Rise had been officially dating. Of course, Rise had had no idea until recently…</p><p>With everything going on, Rise decided to visit her therapist again. Each Thursday after school, she spent at least an hour in therapy, and then she went to vocal training for another hour or so. She had yet to message me after her session that night. Since she was still waiting for her new phone to arrive from out of town, we had gone back to using the online instant messenger from our Investigation Team days. Rise was her same cheerful self—in public. When she was alone with me, she deflated, at times, growing silent or sentimental. I worried about her… More so because I knew that there was nothing I could do to help. Not immediately. Even if I solved this case and found out who leaked her photographs, and why, it wouldn't change anything. I sat at my desk where my laptop was. Suddenly I was too distracted to focus on the case.</p><p>I felt useless. I had no leads. The evidence I'd collected was weak at best. I needed to ask Rise if she suspected anyone. I was afraid I'd upset her if I brought this up. I wanted to find out the truth, but not if it meant pestering her for information. The last thing I wanted was to push her away from me. Rise was all I thought about, all I felt about. She smiled less often now—and when she did smile, she only did it to keep everyone else from asking questions. That fake Risette smile. The one she'd manufactured to hide her pain. My heart broke each time I saw it.</p><p>If only there was some way of going outside of myself to solve this case.</p><p>I stared at the group chat, the names there—Yu, Chie, Yukiko, Yosuke, Kanji and Rise were all in the same room. Rise was invisible, but I knew she was there. No one had left, not even after the drama that broke us apart. Yosuke and Kanji were in the middle of something. I had a private message from Rise letting me know that she was at home and working on my birthday present. She'd sent it about an hour ago. The light from my desk lamp illuminated my faint reflection in the monitor. I saw a lit image of myself smiling over Rise's message. Then the image changed—my reflection reached out, writing a message over my screen:</p><p>
  <em>SYADHTRIB</em>
</p><p>"What…?" I breathed out loud. "This word is 'birthdays' written backward. Whose birthdays?"</p><p>Fifteen minutes to midnight. The Midnight Channel didn't exist anymore. I had checked on a few nights while it rained over the weeks. There were no more foggy images, no more silhouettes of people who had been targeted to get thrown inside the TV World. And that TV World that our old group had explored—the one filled with smaller worlds reflective of the victims' psyche—it was no more. Was it possible that there were other channels now that we had solved that mystery? Portals to other worlds or universes through the TV? This perfect reflection of myself through my screen was no doubt a manifestation of my other self. I had since accepted her, and we were one now. It was no wonder she looked just like me. And here she was, trying to send me a message.</p><p>Birthdays… Birthday channels? Like the Midnight Channel?</p><p>My reflection wrote another note: <em>1321 XAM 11 NIM</em></p><p>"Max…1231? Maximum? Minimum eleven. Channels 11 through 1231. How fascinating. What could it mean?"</p><p>As I was about to check my TV, I heard loud clangs and commotion coming from down the hall. Pained shouting followed the noise. Sounds of my grandfather's caretakers yelling in panic. Shattered glass and stomping footsteps. I went to open my door, only for someone to slam it shut again.</p><p>"Please, let us handle this!" said one of the caretakers. "Don't leave your room!"</p><p>I should have been used to this. They still wouldn't tell me what was wrong with my grandfather. After several nights of similar outbursts, I had a good idea of what ailed him. I didn't want to face the truth. As obvious as it was, I wasn't sure how I'd handle things if I knew for certain. My grandfather was confused, losing his memory and prone to forgetful tantrums. He was no longer the person I remembered. If I saw him with my own eyes, I might have forgotten that kinder image of him. I brought my laptop with me to my bed, not in the mood to check the TV anymore. Another time was best…</p><p>The messages from my reflection disappeared right as Rise messaged me privately again.</p><p>"<em>Hey…are you in the group chat?" </em>she asked.</p><p>"<em>Yes, aren't you?" </em>I wrote back.</p><p>"<em>I am. It's stupid. They're talking about us like we're not there. Look."</em></p><p>Kanji and Yosuke were still talking to each other. I scrolled back up to read the logs. For a while, they discussed mundane things like scooters and cars. Then the conversation grew serious, with Kanji asking Yosuke why he refused to talk some sense into Chie and Yukiko. As expected, Yosuke had tried and failed. The girls wouldn't listen to him. He was afraid of pushing them away if he stood his ground with the issue. His sense of belonging in this town was tied to his friendships. If he didn't have Yukiko and Chie, he felt he would have lost his mind from boredom and loneliness. Kanji rightly pointed out that the three of us—he, Rise and I—would have supported him for his bravery. And then—</p><p>"<em>Really?" </em>asked Yosuke. <em>"Cuz I heard about what happened the other day. Didn't you tackle Rise-chan?"</em></p><p>"<em>So what?!" </em>snapped Kanji. <em>"That was just dumb shit. It's got nothing to do with what I'm saying now."</em></p><p>"<em>Dude, how is she still your friend if you tackled her?"</em></p><p>"…<em>we're like frenemies I guess. We see each other every day. If I wanna hang with Naoto, I gotta put up with Rise too."</em></p><p>"<em>Put up with her!? Did you go back to hating girls, bro?"</em></p><p>"<em>Don't call me BRO. I'm not your fucking bro. That's Senpai. I don't hate girls."</em></p><p>Yosuke surprised me: <em>"Oh yeah? Your other self said something a long time ago… Something like… OH YEAH! 'I hate girls! They gossip and spread nasty lies! They cry when you get angry! Guys are much better!' And since you're such a great guy, when you're pissed off, you lash out to make people hate you. That's why you hurt Rise-chan, isn't it? You're jealous!"</em></p><p>"<em>SHUT UP! You don't know shit, man! Just stop!"</em></p><p>"<em>Damn, seriously? This is what you want me to do with Yukiko and Chie, but look how you're reacting!"</em></p><p>"<em>Fuck off… You're pathetic. I don't need this crap from you."</em></p><p>"<em>I bet you anything you only like Naoto cuz she's not like other girls. Wait! You must have it in your head that Naoto's better since she's ~like a guy! Admit it—you're pissed off that Naoto rejected you and then you took it out on poor Rise-chan. And you call ME pathetic? You're the worst."</em></p><p>"<em>I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP YOSUKE!"</em></p><p>"<em>Aww, did I hurt your man-feelings, bro? You're such a manly man but you can't have the girl you want. Like bullying me is gonna change that, haha!"</em></p><p>"<em>YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD WHEN I SEE YOU TOMORROW, HANAMURA! I MEAN IT!"</em></p><p>Yukiko returned from her away status. <em>"Wow," </em>was all she said.</p><p>Chie chimed in, <em>"You have serious issues, Kanji. After you pissed off Naoto-kun for hurting her precious Risette, she's not around to keep your head on straight. Geez…isn't it her birthday in a few minutes?"</em></p><p>"<em>That's right," </em>replied Yosuke. <em>"Ugh, we can't text her cuz our phones are taking forever to get here in the mail. Anyone know her number by heart?"</em></p><p>"<em>Nope," </em>replied Chie. <em>"Let's be real, she's probably busy with her new girlfriend."</em></p><p>"<em>More than likely," </em>said Yukiko. <em>"It would be very rude indeed to call and interrupt their time together."</em></p><p>A long pause, and then all Yosuke could come up with was, <em>"Sure, OK…"</em></p><p>I took a deep breath to calm down. I had to stop myself from saying anything to them. The group chat went silent in the few minutes leading to midnight. I checked my settings—I'd had it set to show me as invisible in a group room. Rise had the same settings. I returned to our private chat, letting her know that I read everything. Rise immediately began typing a response, and then she stopped for a minute. She didn't continue.</p><p>So I decided to say, <em>"I think we should use this to our advantage."</em></p><p>"<em>Don't say anything?" </em>asked Rise, on the same wavelength as me.</p><p>"<em>It's a lot like spying. We'll know how they truly feel without technically intruding anywhere. I'd rather not acknowledge them this way."</em></p><p>"<em>Ohh, I see what you mean! It's like we get to have this little part of the world all to ourselves… Thinking about it that way doesn't hurt as much. If it matters at all, I know your number by heart…"</em></p><p>Rise sent me a few attachments—mp3 files titled '<em>Maiden of the Empty Forest' </em>and '<em>Now I Know (Yuu Miyake remix-cover)' </em>along with lyrics and commentary for the songs. The first was a ballad that she composed. The second was a cover of the song that she had danced to a few times at the arcade a few weeks ago. Then she sent a third song, titled <em>'taurusxgemini.'</em></p><p>"<em>Happy Birthday, Naoto-kun! I'm nervous about the songs. They were mostly finished a while ago. Then when we started talking more, I got motivated to go back to them. I worked really hard on them for you. I have a mixer and some other equipment in my room. I don't think I've used them this much before."</em></p><p>"<em>Thank you. All those lyrics you've been writing—it makes sense. May I listen to them now?"</em></p><p>"<em>Yes, I want you to… But, ummm…could you maybe play Now I Know first? It's not as embarrassing as the other two… I'm gonna go to bed."</em></p><p>"<em>Already? Are you that nervous?"</em></p><p>I could practically hear her fidgeting with nerves on her end. I had no idea why that made me smile this much. Rise typed, paused, and typed and paused again and again, until—<em>"I know we've only been close like this for a few weeks. The thing is, I think I've had a crush on you for a lot longer. At least since February when we went on the ski trip with the others. You had no idea that I was secretly upset with Senpai for hanging around with Yukiko, but you spent the whole trip with me anyway. That made me so happy. Even when the two of us got lost in that blizzard on our way back to the inn, I was glad to be with you. And then recently, you haven't left my side with all that's going on. I was scared that my songs might have been too much too soon. I guess I have to take that chance, huh? You're worth it…"</em></p><p>Rise quickly signed out, likely too anxious to wait for me to say something. That was actually sweet of her. And cute. I put my headphones into my laptop and pulled up the first song. Hearing this psychedelic dance-pop beat again brought me back to the air conditioning and loudness of the arcade from the other week. Watching Rise dance like that had been a real experience for me, one I'd never forget. Hearing her silken vocals over the track made me smile a lot. Singing in English, her accent wasn't that noticeable. The lyrics definitely reminded me of Rise, of our time together—knowing that trying times were ahead, but having the courage to not fear them as she usually would; feeling endless possibilities in her heart, and drawing strength from them after her last relationship; now that she knew what this freedom felt like, she didn't want to let it go. Her written commentary compared me to her new fearlessness, saying that she had always seen me as the strong one.</p><p>I hoped I could live up to her expectations.</p><p>I listened to this one a few times before clicking on the next one, <em>Maiden of the Empty Forest—</em>it had a poignant melody, arranged like a traditional Japanese ballad with a piano and violins. Rise wrote that she was inspired by our ski trip from a few months ago. I remembered getting lost in that biting cold snow storm with her, only to end up in a cottage right behind the inn. And then our journey into the television to save Marie, one of Yu's friends… After regaining her memories, Marie had discovered who and what she was. Marie had closed herself off in the Hollow Forest to keep from hurting anyone in our world. Though she was technically our enemy at the time, we still chose to save her. It sounded like Rise drew inspiration from that forest, how otherworldly it was: white and misty space filled with haunting memories, pain and sorrow. Rise herself had been in pain at the time and I'd had no idea. Listening to this right after the last song was like night and day. I appreciated both of them more because of it.</p><p>The third song surprised me in the best way possible. The darkly psychological beat pulled me in. Rise's polished, smooth singing over the track intrigued me all over again. By the second, subtly sexual verse, I stopped thinking, feeling everything instead. I was lying down in my bed but I suddenly felt like I was in a sauna. This slow-spreading heat; this sensation of everything I didn't need leaving my body to make room for her… I stared up at the ceiling, brought back to that first night we spent texting all night and morning. Everything else, all of my problems faded away.</p>
<hr/><p>Morning skies covered by charcoal black clouds, as if drawn-in: my ideal weather for school that day. I waited at the usual corner in the neighborhood down the street from our school. Leaning against the wall fence, I stared off into the distance, hardly present. Everyone passing by in their Yaso uniforms, their conversations—they were out of sight, out of mind. When I woke up that morning, my heart was aflame. Like it had been burning through the night in my sleep. That feeling hadn't gone away. I'd felt it before, for Rise, but I didn't let it linger in the past. I'd had my doubts before—if Rise was only using me to get over Yu, if I'd get hurt by falling for her, if this was bound to be a repeat of my past relationships.</p><p>Hearing her sing for me made my anxieties drift far, far away. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to pay attention in class that day. Especially with Rise sitting next to me. I couldn't just go back to how I was before. Not after she'd turned me on like this.</p><p>Just as the sounds of thunder rolled overhead, I saw Rise walking over to me. Her long-sleeved black uniform shirt made the lovely colors of her hair and eyes stand out more. She looked like she was cold wearing that gray skirt and those black thigh-high stockings—she'd pulled down her sleeves to her fists, arms stiff behind her. But she smiled when I met her gaze.</p><p>Rise huddled against me, shivering. "It's supposed to be <em>sunny</em> for your birthday!" she complained. "Ugh, stupid weather. I hate that this town is so cold and rainy."</p><p>I wrapped my jacket around her and kissed her forehead. "I love this kind of weather."</p><p>Red tinted her face; she moved into me more to hide it. "I'm glad you're happy," she said. Rise breathed into the crook of my neck, angled enough to listen to my chest. "Mmm, is this new?"</p><p>"Not exactly. Your songs helped a lot. I listened to them through the night. You have a lot of range."</p><p>"Range, huh?" asked Rise, giggling. "Do you mean the different genres I like or the actual lyrics?"</p><p>"That and your expression," I said. "You're a true artist. I admire that about you. Really, you made me feel some type of way that I hadn't felt before. I wished I could have called you."</p><p>Gentle raindrops fell over Rise's skin. Then they fell harder, thicker. Rise groaned in annoyance; I pulled out my umbrella from my bag, holding it low enough to cover both of us. The rain pelleted the ground, lightly splashing up to our angles. The sound drowned out everyone around us hurrying down the street.</p><p>"Always prepared," noticed Rise.</p><p>"I try to be. I know you hate getting your hair wet."</p><p>Rise moved her lips to my ear in that way I adored. "Say it again," she whispered to me.</p><p>Over the curve of her jaw, I breathed, "You hate getting your hair <em>wet</em>." Cold pole of the umbrella pressed between us, my hand was free to hold her waist closer to me. I kissed her neck, letting myself fall into her skin, her soft rose perfume. Rise let out a shuddering breath—surprised, aroused. "And you asked me not to hold back." I couldn't stop. Not with her breathing like this, her breasts pressing against mine harder with each breath she took. "So I won't, if that's what you need."</p><p>Rise held me around my shoulders, holding on to me. "Your smooth voice is too sexy, Naoto," she said, voice hitching with my touch. "The way you feel—it's so possessive. I've needed this from you." She let out a quiet whine, frustrated. "You're turning me on…" I brushed my lips up her neck, her jawline, to the smoothness of her face, my closed eyes caressed by the thick silk of her hair. Tasting the shape of her face beneath my lips was unforgettable. Rise turned away before I could kiss her. She whined again. "No, don't…not yet. If I let you do that, we'll never leave this spot."</p><p>"Who says we have to?" I asked.</p><p>Rise laughed brightly against me. "You <em>know </em>we have to get to school," she scolded. "I can't believe I'm the responsible one now. That won't last for long."</p><p>Faraway sounds of fury and panicked shouting reached us over the rain. Two voices, both boys. Heavy boots stomping through the rainy streets chased after someone. Once the voices were close enough, I recognized them—Kanji chased after Yosuke in the rain, yelling in his wake.</p><p>"You damn punk!" raged Kanji. "I told you not to mess with me! Just wait 'til I get my hands on you!"</p><p>Yosuke screamed at the top of his lungs—"<em>You're insane, man!</em> I-I said I didn't mean any of that stuff!"</p><p>"Think that matters now? It's too late! That fucking ginger hair of yours is gonna be all over the school by the time I'm finished with you, Hanamura! I'm gonna break those stupid headphones around your neck, too! Hell, you'll be a pile a broken bones when this is over!"</p><p>Louder Yosuke screamed and Kanji mocked him; the two of them raced by without noticing us standing here. The rest of last night came crashing down on me. That group chat… Rise's mood soured with mine. We did have an edge over them in a way. Remembering that made things bearable. Without a word, Rise knew what was on my mind. She cheered up a little and walked with me to class.</p>
<hr/><p>School dragged on extraordinarily long that day. With all the commotion <em>still </em>going on over the leaked secrets and gossip, Yaso High was a nightmare of noise. Each class turned into a separate study hour for those of us who actually cared about learning. Rise and I helped each other to get our work done. The little smiles she gave me every now and then spoke to what was really on her mind. But she was determined enough to stay on top of her studies. At one point, Kanji took advantage of the confusion and went up to the third floor. Minutes later, I heard his shouting over everything else around us. He didn't return to our classroom for several hours. It was obvious he had gone back to his days of reckless behavior. He was purely focused on torturing Yosuke all for pointing out the truth.</p><p>Was it my responsibility to talk him out of this? If it was, I had no idea what to say. Kanji would have only calmed down if I lied and said I was interested in him. Lying or not, I didn't want to get involved in this.</p><p>Rise and I stayed after school in the library to get extra work done. She insisted that she wanted me all to herself this weekend. Homework wasn't allowed to get in the way. The rain slowly came to a stop as the day passed to early evening. The halls outside were a mess, filled with students loitering around, talking, with nothing better to do. Apparently, another mass email had gone out with more information about everyone. I didn't get that email; I was surprised to find instead that Yosuke, Chie and Yukiko had each sent me emails wishing me a happy birthday. I wasn't yet sure how I felt about Yosuke egging Kanji on the night before. Yukiko and Chie <em>sounded </em>sincere enough, but everything they did lately seemed laced with bitchiness. Right before Rise and I packed our things to leave the library, I responded to the three of them with a generic thank you message. What else could I have possibly said after everything?</p><p>When I made it to my shoe locker, I found another letter. I was about to throw it away—like I did with all the other ones—until I saw who it was from. I should have seen this coming.</p><p>
  <em>Naoto,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm not a good writer. I'm not all that smart. You're good at everything. I need you. I can't do nothing right without you. I'm a loose cannon ready to explode on the first thing that pisses me off. It's not healthy. I'm a sad loser. I really like you. It's not fair. I think I love you. It's driving me crazy. I miss you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Talk to me. Please.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>-Kanji</em>
</p><p>Rise snatched the letter from my hands. "What's this?" she demanded, reading it over. "Ohh, I'm sick of him! <em>It's not fair. </em>What's that supposed to mean?!"</p><p>"Calm down," I said sternly.</p><p>"Why should I? He's throwing a huge tantrum because you don't want him. And now he's leaving creepy letters in your locker? This isn't normal!"</p><p>I sighed, replying, "Neither is your reaction."</p><p>Rise glared at me hotly. "He's bullying me <em>and </em>Yosuke over you," she argued. "Don't you see that?"</p><p>"I do, but it's not my responsibility. What Kanji does is on him. I'm not forcing him to do anything. You're acting like I <em>want </em>his attention, like I'm asking for it."</p><p>"What gives you that idea, huh?" she countered.</p><p>I should have shut my mouth—"It's like you're jealous of him. This isn't the first instance. Every time I get one of these letters from <em>someone, </em>I know you hate it. If you know I'm not interested in these people whatsoever, what reason do you have to get angry over it?"</p><p>Rise pressed her back against the cold lockers, frustrated. "I want you to myself," she murmured.</p><p>"And by that logic, I should be jealous of all your Risette fans who pester you for pictures and autographs. I should hate the piles of fan letters you get in the mail every day. I should get angry every time I hear some boy telling his friends he'll have you some day, all because he got off to a picture of you in a swimsuit. I don't. I can't! It makes no sense, Rise."</p><p>Sullen, she looked down at her feet. "I wish you would feel that way."</p><p>"Why…?"</p><p>Rise stared at me intensely. She searched my eyes for a long moment. "Because it hurts when you don't," she said, sounding small. I didn't understand. "The next time some silly boy tells his friends he wants to have sex with me, I wish you'd go over and tell him that I'm yours. I want to be on TV with you, with the media running stories about how we're a couple so that all of my fans will know. You don't feel that way. But that's the problem, isn't it? I like you more than you like me."</p><p>My breath caught in my throat. I had no idea what to say. There was no way to measure something like that. At least that was what I believed.</p><p>When I couldn't form a response, Rise smiled, bittersweet. "You think too much, Naoto. That's what I love about you—how thoughtful and considerate you are. It makes things hard sometimes. Like now."</p><p>Rise wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me into her. She didn't hesitate. She didn't wait. Her lips over mine were unbelievably soft. That softness smoothed out as closeness, no space between us anymore. Every movement, every sound she made, I suddenly felt them inside me, as if they were my own. She was mine. I felt it. I heard it. I tasted it through her breath shaped by her lips, sugary from the candy she'd sucked on earlier. I saw it through the blissful blankness of my mind. I couldn't think anymore. The smallest taste of her tongue on my lower lip made me grab her waist. Rise shifted her body against the metal of the lockers, reminding me where we were. I heard someone's heavy footsteps approaching behind us—then they stopped. Rise fanned her hands through my hair, angling my mouth down to her neck, making me kiss her there. My head was so hazy, I couldn't stop or say no to her.</p><p>I knew whose eyes she stared into while she controlled me, expertly.</p><p>She eased me away by my shoulders eventually. Rise laughed a little, amused. "Is it worth arguing with me, Naoto?" she asked sweetly.</p><p>"No," I said, biting back a groan.</p><p>I knew where I was, but at the same time I…didn't. I was disoriented and high—in a good way.</p><p>"You have a lot of pride. When it happens again, I want you to kiss it better. Walk me home."</p><p>When Rise held my hand, I felt the same dizziness from when she pulled my strings. There was something about feeling her soft-sharp nails along my hand, her fingers laced with mine. Together we walked in silence to the shopping district where her home was. Rise seemed oddly content with my silence. Like she enjoyed having this effect on me. The darkening sky above reminded me of Rise's twin faces. Openings between the rain clouds showed the faint auburn of the sunset. Rain…storms… Tantrums… What did she do with Kanji's letter? I didn't see it in her other hand. Asking about it might have started another argument. I wanted to avoid that at all costs.</p><p>Now that I was more aware of my surroundings, I noticed something odd. It felt like someone followed us. The same teenage sniggering and shushing sounds reached me from behind us, constantly. It wasn't Yosuke, Chie and Yukiko. I would have recognized their voices.</p><p>Rise and I stopped just outside her family's tofu shop. As always, the line was out the door. "It's too bad we have school on Saturdays," she said, disappointed. "I want to take you out tonight. But there's something better that I want us to do tomorrow night. Promise me you'll bring a change of clothes. We're spending the night together."</p><p>"Where are we going?" I asked.</p><p>Rise giggled, giving me a chaste kiss. "Not telling you yet, silly," she teased. "Promise!"</p><p>"All right, I'll bring some clothes," I answered.</p><p>Yu's little cousin, Nanako Dojima, exited the shop with a bag of tofu. She wore her usual pink dress with a white turtleneck underneath, with her same small pigtails. Nanako hurried over when she saw us.</p><p>"Rise-chan, Naoto-kun!" she said. "I missed you. How are you doing?"</p><p>Rise bent down to hug her. "Aww, we're doing great, Nanako-chan!" she replied. "Oh, but don't tell me you're here by yourself again… You're only seven years old. Why isn't your dad with you?"</p><p>"He's at work," answered Nanako, looking sad. "Dad promised he'd spend more time with me now that big bro's gone. He's gone more often now… But today's different! He said he'll be on his way soon. I wanted to get some shopping done to cook dinner for us."</p><p>"Would you like me to walk you home, Nanako-chan?" I offered. "It's getting dark out."</p><p>Nanako's eyes brightened. "Could you?" she asked. "That'd be great!"</p><p>Rise gave me a saccharine smile. "Message me when you get home? I want us to stay up tonight and <em>chat</em>. You know…"</p><p>"Of course. I'd like nothing more."</p><p>"I'll be waiting for you!"</p><p>Rise kissed me again for everyone to see, including Nanako. I watched Rise disappear through the crowd in her family's shop. Nanako stared up at me curiously. When I held her hand, Nanako beamed at me, asking several questions—if Rise and I were together, if it was normal for two girls to kiss, and if this was why her cousin Yu didn't want to talk about Rise anymore whenever he called. I answered her as best as I could… I liked that Nanako was an inquisitive child who always wanted to learn something new about the world. She wasn't like other children. She was very mature for her age; wise beyond her seven years. When we arrived to her quaint home, her father pulled in the driveway at around the same time.</p><p>Dojima asked if I wanted to join them for dinner. I had to decline—I had already told Rise we would talk once I got home. So Dojima offered to drive me back to my estate instead. I accepted; Nanako joined us for the drive, the two of them asking me about the mess happening at school with all the gossip. Dojima pointedly didn't ask me about work, or my plans for the future now that no one wanted to hire me as an investigator. If Nanako weren't with us, I would have spoken to him seriously about the issue. Now obviously wasn't the time.</p><p>Back in my room, I messaged Rise right away. I almost wished I hadn't. I glanced over at my TV screen. My reflection was there waiting for me. But once Rise replied to me, I didn't want to end the conversation for anything. Not even to find out about this latest curiosity of mine. Knowing, my reflection left the screen, retreating inside the world there until I was ready to explore the novelty that awaited there.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. x</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once Rise went off to bed, I checked my TV. Birthday channels…11 through 1231. Sounded like January 1st through December 31st. Each date must have lined up with a specific channel to watch. I grabbed my remote and flipped the channel away from the news. Since it was still my birthday, I decided to check if my channel existed. Mine had to be 427. Blinding white flashed through the screen. The brightness soon faded to mist. Then the cloudy haze gave way to a solid yellow background. Stylized words in black showed across the screen—information about me followed by what seemed like a security question:</p><p>"<em>Naoto Shirogane, the Detective Prince, born April 27th, 1995, Taurus—what is your Arcana?"</em></p><p>In my hand appeared a blue, inkless calligraphy pen, with buttons running down numbered zero through nine. I pressed the soft tip against the screen. The ink showed there. I wrote my answer—<em>Fortune</em>—and the screen refreshed itself. Another question, and my answer, another refresh, and on and on:</p><p>"<em>Will you answer the rest of my questions honestly? Be as candid as possible with me."</em></p><p>"<em>I will," </em>I answered.<em> "Who are you?"</em></p><p>"<em>I shall reveal my identity at a later time, once I feel we trust one another. Is that fair?"</em></p><p>"<em>Very well."</em></p><p>"<em>Do you believe that Inaba's cell phone provider purposely sent out the malicious program?"</em></p><p>I thought over my reply. <em>"It seemed premeditated. Perhaps from someone who shouldn't have had access to everyone's phone numbers. They were able to hide their crimes by allowing the phone company to take the full blame."</em></p><p>"<em>Do you automatically distrust those with power?"</em></p><p>"<em>No. Although I have witnessed how people can abuse their power. That's part of the reason why I no longer have my dream job. I feel as if you know this already."</em></p><p>"<em>I do," </em>wrote the mysterious stranger. <em>"All the world has its eyes on Japan as we speak. Your country has been forced to live in complete truth. Heinous crimes that were in the midst of being executed were summarily stopped, saving countless lives and potential damages. Do you feel it is morally acceptable to allow the government to watch its citizens more closely for this reason?"</em></p><p>"<em>No, it isn't," </em>I said immediately.</p><p>"<em>And if I gave you the power to spectate the lives of your friends, would you use it?"</em></p><p>The question gave me pause.</p><p>Naturally, I felt that human instinct to know more than I was allowed. Deep down, I understood how useful it would have been to know Rise and the others completely. To see them as they truly were—without their day faces, their hesitations, their filters—in private, behind closed doors. Was Yukiko as innocent and calm as she acted at school? Because from the way she reacted to the news about Yu and Rise, I knew that she had a malicious side. Was Yosuke as easygoing as he usually was in public? So far, I had no reason to believe he was a raging bigot or anything of the sort when no one was around. What about Kanji? Where did he go at night when he needed to let off steam? I knew for a fact that his mother worried terribly over his unexplained absences at home. Out of everyone in the group, I had a feeling that Chie was the most genuine, most of the time, even when her attitude was negative. She was unapologetically herself—a bit of a tomboy, and somewhat rowdy, but still a loyal friend despite Yukiko's short sidedness. As for Yu, I had no idea. Now that my view of him had tempered, he seemed painfully basic to me. Maybe he was different when he was alone?</p><p>As for Rise… I didn't know where to start with her. The possibilities with her were endless. Some intrigued me—I liked the idea of watching her choreography practice and vocal training after school. And the rest swarmed my mind: what did she say about me when I wasn't around? What did she tell her family about me? How did she get dressed every morning? What was her routine? Was she a restless sleeper? Did she have to tire herself out before falling asleep? If she did…how did she do it?</p><p>Reading before bed was too simple. Nothing was ever simple with her.</p><p>The stranger continued writing, <em>"The information you could gain by watching them—it would no doubt help you solve your investigation. Your friends all provide extra sets of eyes for you to see the world through. They may watch a particular news segment that you neglected. They may know someone with information that you require. It will be up to you to pick and choose whom to focus on, and when, and for how long. Are you interested?"</em></p><p>Now that I had picked out the benefits so easily, I couldn't decline. <em>"Yes," </em>I wrote.</p><p>"<em>Excellent. Use the keys on your new pen to view the appropriate channels. This will work with any television, anywhere, so long as it is plugged in. As you have guessed, all you need to know is the person's birthday. Tune in to the program of the person of your choosing. Beware of letting your friends know that you know their secrets. You must not risk them finding out, else they will behave differently in private. Once you believe you have pieced together a sufficient lead to follow, I will allow you to enter to this world to explore the possibilities here. But only if I trust you."</em></p><p>"<em>How am I supposed to prove that I'm trustworthy?"</em></p><p>"<em>Prove to me that you can keep this secret first, my dear Detective Prince. Enjoy the show."</em></p><p>All the text disappeared and the screen faded to black. I turned to glance at my evidence board on the other end of my bedroom. Ai Ebihara wasn't my friend; I didn't know her birthday. If Ai's perspective couldn't offer me any valuable information, was she no longer a suspect? I didn't rule it out just yet.</p><p>Chie and Yukiko, however—I knew their birthdays.</p><p>This felt wrong… Then again, just twenty-four hours ago, I'd wished for something like this. A way to step outside of myself to solve this case, without having to ask Rise uncomfortable questions about her past. I could listen to Yukiko, for example, when she thought no one was around to hear. I could see what she was up to, learn how she really felt. I still didn't believe she was guilty of anything except being impossibly mean and possessive. Why had she reacted like that in the first place? I was the last to join the Investigation Team, so I wasn't as familiar with everyone's shadow selves. I only knew superficial information about Yukiko's other self. Before meeting Yu, she had never had a boyfriend. She acted as though her studies and working at her family's prestigious inn was all she cared about. She was reasonably pretty, so she had plenty of boys asking her out. For some reason, she pretended not to be interested in them until Yu had come into the picture. All the while, she fantasized about her perfect prince charming—someone who would save her from her castle and treat her like a princess.</p><p>What was it her shadow had said? Something about scoring a hot stud… The Yukiko I knew wasn't concerned about those things. Her actions back in March spoke otherwise. Her grudge against Rise—and me, to some extent—only drove the point home again.</p><p>I couldn't keep denying it—</p><p>I hated Yukiko for making Rise cry like that.</p><p>Her channel showed that same yellow background with the same black text:</p><p>"<em>Yukiko Amagi, born December 8th, 1994, Sagittarius—what is her Arcana?"</em></p><p>I wrote back, <em>"The Priestess."</em></p><p>"<em>Please provide one fact about Yukiko Amagi that only a friend might know."</em></p><p>Something only a friend would know… Oh. <em>"Yukiko, for all her intelligence, is a terrible cook."</em></p><p>"<em>Unlimited access granted. Welcome, Detective Prince."</em></p><p>My television screen turned into a live security feed of Yukiko in her dark bedroom at the Amagi Inn. The misty purple outline around the edges reminded me of the energy our shadows had given off—before they became our Personas. This footage must have been from her shadow's point of view. Rather, her reflection's, like mine. Technically our shadows no longer existed in the same forms as we found them in the TV World. It seemed like they were each phantoms or ghosts that watched us at all times. Each of these channels must have been from our reflections' eyes. Like a constant devil over our shoulders, behind us, around us, looming over us.</p><p>The camera panned around to show me a general view of Yukiko's room. I could see some parts lit up from the light of her laptop. Traditional tatami flooring, flower petal wallpaper, and a wide window overlooking the view of Inaba lit up at night. Yukiko sat over her futon bed over the floor, wearing red silk pajamas. She had a frown on her face as she typed furiously, her nails clicking loudly against her keys. Then suddenly I had a full view of her laptop screen. In a full window, she had up the instant messenger we all used. Yukiko had customized hers to a red background with cutesy images and pop-art Japanese text. She was in a few different chat rooms, but her current room only had her and her boyfriend in it. I watched the conversation scroll across the screen in real time.</p><p>"<em>Yuki, I'm sorry," </em>wrote Yu. <em>"I don't know how this happened… The idea came to me and now it won't leave. I have to go through with it."</em></p><p>"<em>What do you mean you don't know?" </em>replied Yukiko. <em>"You promised me you'd visit for Golden Week in a few days! It's all I've been looking forward to. I'm incredibly stressed out by all these college applications. There's so much pressure for me to get accepted into the best colleges in the country. Now you're telling me you can't visit until her birthday, of all days? Rise's birthday? That's not until June!"</em></p><p>"<em>I think it's best. I owe Rise an apology. I have to do it in person."</em></p><p>"<em>An apology for what?"</em></p><p>"<em>There was a lot of confusion right before I left…"</em></p><p>"<em>No, there wasn't! Rise thinks she can own anyone just by looking at them. She thought she could do that with you and it backfired on her."</em></p><p>"<em>Damnit, Yukiko, listen to me! I made a mistake in not saying anything!"</em></p><p>Yukiko let out a distressed sigh. She angrily ran her hand through her hair before typing faster.</p><p>"<em>Listen to yourself, Yu! She's manipulated you. Rise's no better than the likes of Ai Ebihara who act as if they can control whoever they want. All they care about is sleeping around! They don't have an ounce of sympathy for anyone else they destroy along the way. How could you fall for her act? First you, then Naoto… I thought you were both smarter than this."</em></p><p>"<em>And I thought you were better than slut-shaming other girls. This is getting ridiculous. I TOLD you Rise and I were together in August. I was too scared to break things off officially because I still liked her."</em></p><p>"<em>Oh really?" </em>asked Yukiko. <em>"Then why did you visit me on my birthday? Why did you kiss me and tell me all those things if you were still enamored with her?!"</em></p><p>"<em>I was confused!"</em></p><p>"<em>Confused about what!?"</em></p><p>"<em>Rise was acting like she didn't want me anymore… I didn't get it. She wouldn't talk about it. I left it alone and we stopped talking after that. I told you this already!"</em></p><p>"<em>Well which is it? Because you keep saying YOU made a mistake by not saying anything. Now you're saying it's Rise's fault for not communicating. Each time you tell me this silly story, you add on one more part that wasn't there before! Is she making you say these things to hurt me?"</em></p><p>The argument went on and on, with Yukiko refusing to believe anything Yu said about the incident. I honestly wanted to reach through the screen and shake some sense into her. She wouldn't accept Rise's innocence on principle. Everything was Rise's fault; Yu had been manipulated by Rise; Rise played it fast and loose like her shadow; Rise this, Rise that…without once acknowledging that Yu was a coward for letting all of this happen. And she'd had the nerve to imply earlier that I'd been fooled by Rise's act. I was so angry I could have screamed. Nothing had affected me like this before. Except Kanji being an ass the other week.</p><p>What was I supposed to do about this? If I wanted that mysterious stranger's trust, I had to keep quiet about what I'd learned. I needed to solve this investigation. I had to give Rise some peace of mind about this situation. The police weren't doing nearly enough. They were swamped with hundreds of other cases that had come about from this breach. Soon this began to feel like a moral issue.</p><p>
  <em>What was worse? Doing terrible things, or seeing these things happen and saying nothing about them?</em>
</p><p>I felt the questions dig deep within me, branding underneath my skin. If I kept watching these channels, I knew my conscience would haunt me. At the same time, this quest for the truth was too important. If Yukiko was responsible for leaking Rise's photographs, then I needed to know. If she wasn't, again, I needed to know. My instincts told me she was only a red herring. I had to find out for certain.</p><p>Yukiko slammed her laptop shut and shoved it aside. She lay down, yanking her blanket over her head. I listened for a long while as she sobbed herself to sleep.</p>
<hr/><p>School that day was a surreal experience. For the first time in a long time, Yosuke ate lunch with Rise and me in our classroom. He complained that Yukiko was in a terrible mood and that she would only speak to Chie about it. Rise had no sympathy. She didn't ask what Yukiko's problem was, or anything at all for that matter. Rise ate her lunch with an edge about her. She was quiet for the rest of the day, busy thinking, writing more lyrics.</p><p>By the end of the day, I worried that she might have wanted to cancel our date. Opening my shoe locker was a trial. If I found another love letter in here while Rise was already upset…</p><p>Another letter from Kanji.</p><p>Rise stood next to my locker, staring at me with hard eyes.</p><p>"You've been distant today," she noticed, ignoring the letter. "Is something wrong?"</p><p>I could have sworn it was the other way around.</p><p>"I've wanted to ask how you're doing," I said instead. "Seems like you have a lot on your mind."</p><p>Rise raised her brow and tilted her head, quietly satisfied with my answer. "Are you going to read it?" she asked. I felt like this was a trick question. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"</p><p>"I don't want to argue with you over this again."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>"<em>Do you?"</em></p><p>"Mmm, Naoto, you're suspicious of me, aren't you?" asked Rise, cocking her hip to the side. "I don't blame you. I lose my temper whenever I feel like someone's trying it with you. You're right. I should be more logical about these things. If you want to read his letter, I won't stop you."</p><p>These rose-colored glasses I had on… There was something about this reverse-psychology, subtle sass, obviously pissed off part of Rise that I liked. She wouldn't <em>say </em>outright that she wanted me to throw the letter away. For some reason, her not saying it made me want to do it. To please her. I slipped the letter in someone else's locker to make it seem like Kanji did it by mistake. Rise smiled a roguish smile. I did exactly what she wanted me to do.</p><p>"Hey you two!" called Yosuke, walking down the stairs nearby. Rise had her back to him; she rolled her eyes. "You heading out to eat? Can I come with? The girls—err, the other girls, I mean—ditched me again to talk about, uhh, girl stuff."</p><p>Rise leaned on me, facing him. "Did you forget we're both girls?"</p><p>"Uh, no? It's pretty obvious."</p><p>"You say that like we're different somehow."</p><p>Yosuke rubbed the back of his head. "Well, yeah…you two aren't like anyone else," he admitted. "Don't you know how much attention you get? Hell, in my class, people won't stop talking about you, saying how hot you are together. All the guys are totally jealous!"</p><p>Rise giggled. "What about you, Yosuke-senpai?" she asked in a flirting tone, moving into me more.</p><p>"Ahh…m-me? Uhhh, haha, ummmm, oh, you know…"</p><p>So Rise was allowed to openly frustrate other boys—and openly enjoy it—while I wasn't allowed to receive letters without my consent. Noted.</p><p>Yosuke laughed it off, full of nerves. "Uhm, anyway!" he said. "If you awesome ladies are heading to dinner, can I join? I'm starving!"</p><p>Rise looked to me. "What do you think?" she asked. "I was going to have us eat…someplace else for our date tonight. If Yosuke-senpai's coming, we should all hang out together. Is that okay?" That was fine with me. "Hmm, how about we go to Aiya? I think I'm in the mood for Chinese today. Maybe some of their egg rolls will hit the spot…"</p><p>"If it's for Naoto-kun's birthday, I'll pay!" offered Yosuke.</p><p>"Can I come, too?"</p><p>Kanji rounded the corner, wearing his <em>gakuran </em>with a skull T-shirt underneath. His natural posture and scowl made it look like he was about to bend his knees and charge ahead at any second.</p><p>Yosuke's first instinct was to run. His body reacted before his senses, and he smashed his head against the lockers. "Damn you, Kanji!" he shouted, gripping his forehead. "You scared the hell out of me!"</p><p>"Dude, it's not my fault you're an idiot who can't see," said Kanji, glowering at him.</p><p>"Well maybe if you hadn't chased me down the street two days in a row, I wouldn't be this jumpy!"</p><p>"If you weren't such a baby that only talks shit behind the safety of a screen, we coulda fought this out by now and gotten it over with. You damn pussy!"</p><p>Yosuke growled at him. "Yeah, whatever," he mumbled. "At least I've had some."</p><p>Kanji burst out laughing. "What, <em>you</em>?" he mocked. "You couldn't get laid if there were girls right here in the halls with their clothes off! They'd run away screaming the second they saw you. I know I've had way more ass than you'll ever get in a lifetime."</p><p>"Too bad you're just a fuckboy, taking out all your misery on other people…"</p><p>That hit a nerve. "What'd you say?!" yelled Kanji. "I didn't hear you! Say it like you mean it this time!"</p><p>Rise tilted her head along my shoulder. "Don't hold back, you two," she encouraged. "You'd make a pretty cute couple. All that chasing and arguing. Sounds like a classic love-hate relationship."</p><p>Yosuke gaped at her. "You're kidding!"</p><p>"Maybe, maybe not."</p><p>Kanji grumbled. "Anyway, can I join or not?" he asked again.</p><p>"Only if you behave," I said. He widened his eyes in surprise, like he didn't expect me to say yes. "I don't want to put up with your antics. You've been unhinged for far too long. Speaking of that, you never properly apologized to Rise for what you did the other day. If you want to spend time with us, then I expect you to be sincere."</p><p>Kanji stared at me in awe. He honestly thought we would tell him to go away. He took a moment to think it over. I watched the remorse fill his eyes. I knew what it really was. He understood that I wanted nothing to do with him as long as he kept on with his reckless behavior. This was about <em>me.</em> Doing what <em>I</em> said. It had nothing to do with Rise at all. Kanji looked to Rise, hiding his contempt for her behind his shame. He got down on his knees with his hands in front of him, <em>seiza, </em>bowing his head to the cold floor.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Rise-chan!" said Kanji, voice muffled against the ground. "I know I was a dick to you. I just…don't know how to deal with this. It's not an excuse. I'm messed up."</p><p>Rise stepped closer to him. "Look at me," she ordered. Kanji raised his head to regard her. "Do you mean it this time?"</p><p>"Yeah…"</p><p>"Stop sending her those letters." Rise bent down and used the tip of her finger to tilt his chin up higher. She purposely blocked me from his view, centering the conversation on them. "Stop chasing after her, Kanji. Just because you're a guy, and she's a girl, and the world favors straight relationships, that doesn't mean you're entitled to her. So get over yourself. Naoto is mine."</p><p>Kanji cringed when a few students passed by, staring at us. His face burned to the point of making him sweat. Not only was he humiliated, but his pride was wounded. "…she's yours," he conceded. "I'll stop. I'll get over myself."</p><p>Rise laughed softly. "We'll see about that," she said, lightly pushing his jaw away. "You can get up now."</p><p>Yosuke watched Kanji slowly get back to his feet. "Man, you're whipped," he teased, sounding amused.</p><p>Kanji didn't deny it. He wouldn't look at me. Rise held my hand, leaving the school with me. Yosuke was a little too hyper and curious, trying and failing to poke his head between ours as we walked to the central shopping district.</p>
<hr/><p>Dinner at Aiya with Rise, Yosuke and Kanji was as eventful as ever. I enjoyed watching Rise tease the boys about all the sexual tension between them. She was good at using that to deflect Yosuke's ignorant questions about the two of us. Kanji played into the teasing a bit, if only to keep the focus away from those idiotic questions. I honestly found it borderline homophobic that Yosuke kept trying to ask <em>what it was like </em>for girls to date, as if it was fundamentally different from other types of relationships. I could tell that Rise found it annoying—she gripped my hand underneath the table every time it happened. If this kept up, I'd have to talk to Yosuke about it. For the time being, I planned on watching to see if he could learn to shut up about it on his own. I wanted to avoid a confrontation as much as possible.</p><p>After dinner, Rise brought me into her family's shop with her. There were still several customers ordering tofu to bring home with them. Rise managed to weave me through the crowd, over to the guest area by the stairs. She was tempted to take me up to her room—and I wanted to go with her—but there was no way we could've gotten away with it. Rise had me change into the warmer clothes I brought with me. Once she finished changing into her jacket and pants, she took my bag upstairs.</p><p>We left together for the grassy hill overlooking town. By the time we got there, the sun had mostly gone down. Rise sat with me at the small picnic table underneath the canopy. She leaned against me, holding my arm in both of hers. Neither of us said anything for a long while. I liked this silence, this solitude. No one was up here with us. The last time I was here, Senpai was with me. This was back in the winter right before our ski trip with the others. He'd given me a cryptic message at the time…something about keeping an eye on Rise while he was gone. That was originally why I'd spent the ski trip with her.</p><p>And then the rest had followed. I was sure Rise and I would have spoken eventually, with or without Yu's message. I simply found the irony amusing.</p><p>Rise sighed once the sky darkened completely. "I like being here with you, Naoto," she said softly. "I thought about having a picnic out here, then the boys interrupted… I wanted to bring my acoustic guitar out here so I could serenade you, but I already gave you three songs of mine. And before I thought of that, I wanted us to go to the club in Okina City. It's Drag Night tonight. That seemed like too much too soon…I know you don't like crowded places all that much. Since we've only been close like this for a couple of weeks, I wasn't sure what to do. I guess this is the best I could come up with for our first real date."</p><p>"This is perfect," I reassured her. "I like that you put a lot of thought into it." Rise moved into me more, sounding unsure. "You know, you're cute when you get like this. It isn't like you. You're usually so…"</p><p>"Full of myself?"</p><p>"Confident."</p><p>Rise buried her head over my shoulder. "I can't believe <em>you're </em>calling me cute," she groaned.</p><p>"You are," I insisted, smiling.</p><p>"Stop it," she said, pushing against me a little. I had to laugh over how embarrassed she was. "…and even when you're laughing at me, I still think you sound incredibly sexy. Ugh, what's wrong with me?"</p><p>"Why are you ashamed?" I asked.</p><p>Rise pulled at my jacket sleeve, thinking. "Mmm, let's just say…you don't seem like a sexual person."</p><p>"And why do you feel that way?"</p><p>"I mean, when I first met you, you were all about your work. Investigating, crime scenes, motivations, piecing together clues, finding patterns… I'm mad that they won't let you have your job back. At the same time, I'm happy that we get to spend more time together. I think I'm so used to people…getting to the point with me. Like, they'll say outright that they want to do this or that with me. You don't do that. I can't tell if it's because you want to get to know me first or if there's something else stopping you."</p><p>I used my free hand to touch her face, gently. Rise's eyes told me that there was much more she wanted to say about this. I knew that this was her way of figuring out how much I wanted her and why. To a point, she was right. Last night, I should have jumped on the opportunity to see what Rise was up to in bed…if she was actually asleep, or awake fantasizing about me. I had been more concerned about the case. It was possible that my assumptions had also gotten in the way.</p><p>"I thought you wanted to wait," I explained. "Considering what you've gone through…and your therapy sessions… I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable."</p><p>Rise smiled in understanding. "So this is you being thoughtful," she said.</p><p>"Yes," I replied. "I automatically set those feelings aside unless they overwhelm me in the moment. I'm not good with holding energy I can't let out. There are times when I can't just focus on other things and distract myself. It's worse when you're with me and you do something to make me react. Then it's appropriate…but… This doesn't sound very romantic, does it?"</p><p>"Oh, Naoto. You never change."</p><p>"Hm?"</p><p>"You think too much," recited Rise.</p><p>"…sorry."</p><p>"You couldn't have been like this with your exes. Were you?"</p><p>I didn't like remembering them. "I'm not sure what you mean."</p><p>Rise had me lie down on top of the table. "I'm <em>trying </em>to give you talking points," she said, straddling me. "You're not getting it." My breathing slowed, building in my chest as sudden pressure. Rise held my hands along her hips, watching me steadily lose my usual composure. "Did you fuck them?"</p><p>"They wanted me to, so I did," I replied, voice deepened. Rise smiled at my tone.</p><p>"You only did it because they wanted you to? What did you get out of it?"</p><p>"I liked hearing them react to me. That part turned me on, kept me going."</p><p>"Tell me how you fucked them," said Rise, smoothing her hands along my torso.</p><p>I wasn't imagining my exes anymore. Somehow my mind had put Rise in their places. She saw it in my face. I knew she did. "I used my hands," I answered, tapping her waist with two fingers, and then three. Rise shifted over me. "Or my mouth." She watched me lick my lips. "One of them had a strap-on that she'd made her older sister buy for her. I'd use it if she was in the mood."</p><p>Rise raised her brow, asking, "Missionary?"</p><p>"Not all the time."</p><p>"Did she ride you?"</p><p>This perfect imagery with Rise on top of me already; I let out a slow breath. "Yes, she did," I replied. "They both wanted me to be a boy. That's what I was to them—a boy who was sensitive enough to listen to them and understand them." The questions slipped out of my mouth, out of nowhere: "Is that what I am to you? Do you see me that way at all?"</p><p>Rise unbuttoned my jacket, eyes edged with a darkness I hadn't seen before. "No," she said simply. "I want you as you are." She glossed her long nails along my shirt, teasing. "Stubborn smartass and all."</p><p>Chest heaving, sweat prickling my skin, I needed to know: "Then what aren't you telling me?"</p><p>"I said I want you," she repeated, leaning over me. Rise kissed my jaw lightly, tasting the tenseness there. "What else is there to say?"</p><p>"Please. There's <em>always </em>something more with you, Rise. Tell me."</p><p>Rise giggled, full of mischief, soft breath warming my skin in the night. "You might get mad at me."</p><p>I growled, trying not to thrash around. "Say it anyway."</p><p>"Oh, Naoto, don't tell me you're getting frustrated… Because that would be terrible. I'm innocent!"</p><p>"Damnit, Rise!" I cursed, holding her hips harder. My grip slipped down to her thighs, scratching against the denim of her jeans; Rise laughed in aroused delight. "<em>What is it?</em>"</p><p>"Mmm, okay," she allowed. "Real talk this time. I want us to be together, to go all the way…but I still need some time. I kinda had a thing with a girl last year while I was in showbiz. No one else knew about it. Right before we were about to do more, I freaked out. You can guess why… I hadn't told her what happened to me. She got mad at me, saying I was 'just another one of those straight girls.' I didn't hear from her again after that. And then with Senpai, he…umm…"</p><p>"What happened?" I asked, calm. I felt guilty for getting frustrated before…even though that was the reaction she wanted from me at the time. She was too good at this.</p><p>Rise laughed nervously. "He couldn't get it up," she answered. "He said he was intimidated by how <em>assertive</em> I am. He didn't like seeing parts of my shadow self come out, like right now. I think Yukiko-senpai is a much safer option for him…"</p><p>I could hardly believe it. "He's an idiot for that."</p><p>"<em>Now I know</em>," said Rise, smiling. The song reference made me smile with her. "You helped me realize that." She relaxed in my hold and sighed. I stared up at the starry sky, sight sheared by the silken strands of her hair. Her rose-scented perfume blended nicely with the light breeze blowing over us. "I'm in a weird place with you, Naoto… You excite me so much. You make me feel <em>alive </em>every time you look at me, whenever you touch me. Maybe if we just…" She moved her hips against me, sighing lighter. I almost lost it. "I wish we could be alone somewhere. Not out here. I can't take you to my room because my family's too nosey."</p><p>"As much as I want you, I wouldn't want to disrespect them like that."</p><p>"Can we go to your room…?" she asked. "Wait. Your grandfather…"</p><p>"It's not a good time," I explained.</p><p>"How are you dealing with it? You don't talk about him anymore."</p><p>I rubbed her back, almost to comfort myself. "I think he has dementia."</p><p>"Dementia? He's losing his memory?"</p><p>"More or less. His thinking is impaired. He's not himself anymore. I don't know very many details about his personal diagnosis. His caretakers want to keep me in the dark to protect me. I doubt they realize it's doing more harm than good. I wish they would tell me <em>something</em>."</p><p>Rise wasn't sure what to say. I liked the way she held my head in her arms. Feeling her nails lightly graze through my hair, along my scalp, relaxed me after a while. The chill of the night didn't reach me anymore. I felt myself falling asleep at some point. Through my half-sleep, I heard Rise humming that same tune from the first week of school. Heavenly…</p><p>An hour or more passed with Rise over me, holding me and humming. She woke me up, reluctantly, at around ten. I walked her home. When we got to her family's shop, Rise looked at me sheepishly.</p><p>"Naoto?" she said. "Could I, umm, keep your bag for the night?"</p><p>"My school bag with my notebooks and uniform? Why?"</p><p>Rise swayed from side to side. "I want to sleep with something of yours tonight," she replied. "More like, your shirt. Or your jacket. I know…I'm weird. It's just—I really miss you when you're gone. If you need it, I can go and get it for you."</p><p>"No, you can keep it for tonight," I told her. "I like that you're sentimental."</p><p>"Thanks… Do you want to pick it up tomorrow? It'll be Sunday. We could hang out again. You can drive your car now, right? I don't like you taking the bus all the time."</p><p>"I do have a car, technically. It's sitting in the driveway. I can't drive alone with only a learner's permit. If I think I can get away with it, I'll work something out for us."</p><p>That mischievous smile again. Of course Rise had something in mind. I loved that she did.</p>
<hr/><p>When I got back home, none of the lights were on. It was oddly quiet. All of my grandfather's caretakers were asleep. I wanted to watch some more of that special programming. Maybe not Yukiko again. Watching Rise sounded like a good idea. I was curious to see if I'd find her in bed holding my jacket. The thought made me smile as I headed to the kitchen. I decided to make some oolong tea. It was my favorite; I needed something to warm me up after spending all night outside. When I got to the kitchen, I saw the light of the refrigerator. The door was wide open. Empty milk cartons, broken eggshells and piles of other food and containers were strewn about the granite countertops. I was about to clean up the mess until I heard someone's footsteps shuffling near.</p><p>"Huh? Who are you?"</p><p>My grandfather stared at me as if I were a stranger. I wasn't prepared for this…not at all.</p><p>He moved closer, scowling at me. "Who are you, boy?" he demanded. "Are you a thief? Come to steal everything I own?!"</p><p>"It's me!" I said in vain. "It's Naoto! You don't recognize your own family anymore…?"</p><p>"FAMILY! My son died in a car accident! I've no grandsons! You're a thief, that's what you are!"</p><p>His confusion and anger grew by the second. I couldn't understand his shouting anymore. I couldn't respond. I couldn't defend myself, make him remember me. He picked up the nearest empty vase and threw it in my direction. The glass hit the wall behind me, shattering to pieces. He threw more objects at me, missing every time. I wanted to crawl into myself and disappear. Only when he picked up one of the knives did I wake up and realize I had to move. I ran away, down the hall and into my room. I slammed the door shut and locked it. My grandfather yelled at me to unlock the door, hacking at the wood with the knife. I stood in the middle of my room, shaking, about to hyperventilate. I heard my own breaths echo in my head over the sounds of his screaming. Merciless pounding from his fist against the door threatened to break the lock.</p><p>I had to leave. I had to leave. I had to get out of here. I had to get out of here. I repeated it to myself, looking around, trying to make sense of this suddenness. My laptop over my desk—Rise had messaged me, asking if I was at home yet. I choked back my emotions and swallowed them. I typed at lightning speed, lying and saying that I was tired and needed to go to bed. While she typed back, I quickly grabbed a travelling bag from my closet. I stuffed in as many clothes and essentials as I could fit. Money—my wallet—I had it in my pocket already, my ID, keys, car keys, everything; video games? Fine. I didn't want anyone trashing them. Rise bade me good night just as I finished. I logged out; measured the sounds of my door splintering with how much time I had left; fit my laptop just inside the bag and zipped it shut. I destroyed all the documents over my evidence board to keep anyone from finding out about the case.</p><p>I didn't have any time left.</p><p>I opened the window, staring down at the drop. Two flights. I could make the jump. I threw my bag down to the concrete first. Just as my grandfather busted through the door, I leapt out the window. Knees bent, I landed hard on the balls of my feet. I grabbed the handle of my bag and ran for my life to the driveway. I heard my grandfather shouting at me from the open window. Nearly fumbling my keys, I unlocked the door to my black luxury car. I threw my bag in the back and got behind the wheel. I drove off at full speed, hands trembling over the steering wheel, nauseous by how alone I was now. I had no family anymore.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Gemini</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This rose-scented car freshener, the smell of it was stuck in my sinuses. Each time I had my car washed over the month, I asked for the same scent. I needed the reminder of Rise's perfume whenever I lay awake in my backseat at night. I thought about taking a nap that evening after school. Too much was on my mind. I had my arms folded over my steering wheel, resting my head there instead. I had Rise's birthday cake sitting in a bag next to me, along with a bunch of fresh, peeled fruit and chocolate. She'd hinted a few weeks ago that she wanted a red velvet cake. That was what I bought for her. I thought I was on top of things until I remembered that she had specifically asked for energy drinks tonight. Rise had no idea what I had planned for us. She wanted energy drinks anyway. I had to go buy some for her. After I took this bag inside to our room. I needed to put it in the refrigerator in there. I didn't want her cake or chocolate to melt.</p><p>With weary eyes, I stared out the windshield at the building in front of me. I was parked in front of the Amagi Inn. I didn't dare make a reservation here on any other night. Inaba was such a small town—word would have gotten around that I was homeless if I stayed here. The same went for any other hotels: the employees all knew the Amagi Inn's staff. Someone would have told Yukiko, and then Chie and Senpai and Yosuke and Kanji and Rise and Dojima and Nanako would have all found out. I didn't want that. Rise was right that I had too much pride. I wasn't willing to set this pride aside. Not for anything.</p><p>Rise would have asked me to stay with her. I wasn't ready for all of that. I didn't want her to worry.</p><p>I took the cake and my travel bag and went inside to the front desk. The inn's lobby looked similar to Yukiko's room. I hadn't been here in person since right after the ski trip. After watching Yukiko's program for a few weeks, I had a good idea of the building's layout. And, just my luck, Yukiko was at the front desk tonight, wearing her red yukata. I stared right at her, refusing to hide how much I despised her. She knew it. She felt it. Yukiko could barely make eye contact with me. She was the <em>princess </em>of talking badly about my girlfriend to anyone who'd listen, but now that I was here, Yukiko didn't know how to act. Typical.</p><p>"H-Hello, Naoto-kun," she greeted, bowing slightly. "I mean—good evening. Welcome…welcome to the Amagi Inn!" Her family and co-workers passing by gave her strange looks. Yukiko's face reddened when she heard them whispering about her unusual behavior. "I see you've made a reservation from tonight through early Monday morning… Would you like me to show you to your suite?"</p><p>"Please do," I replied curtly.</p><p>Yukiko walked around the desk, over to me. "Um…do you…need anyone to take your things for you?"</p><p>"No, I don't."</p><p>More whispers. More odd looks. <em>"What's up with Yuki-chan? Why is she nervous with the customer?"</em></p><p>"All right, then!" said Yukiko, putting on a brave face. "If you'll follow me down the hall."</p><p>I remembered these Edo-era paintings along the walls. I knew exactly where we were headed. When Yukiko opened the sliding wood doors to the cozy cleanliness of the suite, I had to bite my tongue to keep from smirking. Her bedroom was right next door. The glass doors leading out to the steaming hot springs beneath the stars, the wide open space of the room, the fine dining table, the intricately-painted rose petals along the white walls, the spotless bathroom, the authentic tatami mats, and the actual futons over the floor were nothing compared to the look on Yukiko's face. She knew I reserved this room for Rise's birthday. She had a good idea of what we'd be doing in here over the weekend.</p><p>Yukiko closed the door behind her, watching me set my bag down and put the cake in the small refrigerator. I took out the candles and orange, pink and white roses I brought with me in my bag. A lot of Rise's clothes were orange, pink or white. Yukiko watched me set them each around the suite. It felt like she wanted to have a word with me. She was better off not bothering. I had nothing to say to her.</p><p>"As requested, the male yukata and female yukata are in the closet by the beds," she said needlessly.</p><p>"Thank you," I answered, flat.</p><p>Yukiko sighed. "Naoto-kun…could we speak?" she tried.</p><p>"About what?"</p><p>"I understand that you hate me… I only wish you could see things from my perspective."</p><p>Every part of me wanted to blurt out that I'd been spying on her for the better part of a month. I snuck around Yaso High to watch any TV I could while Rise was busy with vocal practice, group choreo, working out, or at therapy. It was possible I knew her perspective better than she did. Yukiko and Yu had been arguing about this whole thing for weeks. She refused to relent. She wrote private blog posts about how foolish I was for dating Rise after everything. She wrote grammatically incorrect notes to herself in her phone to pat herself on the back—<em>"Don't give up hope, he'll see the truth soon enough."</em></p><p>I had so much power over her in knowing these things. And she had no idea. It had to stay that way.</p><p>"I'm not in the mood for this, Yukiko-senpai."</p><p>I stared out to the private hot spring sectioned off by high walls of wood. Through the glass door, I saw Yukiko's reflection watching me closely. I was too exhausted for this. I hadn't slept in a bed since I left home a month ago. All I wanted was to sleep with Rise in my arms for the first time tonight. Only after I treated her to a special night. I'd imagined exactly how to feed her the fruit and chocolate…I'd been thinking about it for days, weeks. Picturing it now relaxed me.</p><p>Yukiko's voice pulled me out of that fantasy: "Naoto-kun, I only want what's best for you."</p><p>What a bunch of bullshit. "Yes, I'm sure you do."</p><p>"Rise isn't the person you think she is… You have to know that. Won't you consider my point of view?"</p><p>This wasn't a real conversation. All she wanted to do was talk <em>at </em>me, not with me.</p><p>"No."</p><p>Yukiko flinched in shock. "W-Why not…?"</p><p>"If you have to ask, then you don't know Rise at all. That's the main takeaway here." Rise sent me a text message letting me know she was on her way to vocal practice before her therapy session this time. I let her know I'd pick her up after her appointment. "I have to get going now."</p><p>Yukiko stopped me before I could leave. "Wait!" she said. "Why won't you believe me? Are you unable to consider that Rise is anything less than perfect?"</p><p>"She's the most imperfect person I know. I feel the world for her. What is your <em>point, </em>Yukiko-senpai?"</p><p>"…are you purposely ignoring the possibility that I'm right about this? For her sake?"</p><p>"Hardly. If you think I'm going to let you badmouth my girlfriend to my face, it says a lot about you. Stand on your own two feet and take a look in the mirror. Your shadow is taking you over."</p><p>Yukiko stared at me with deadened eyes. She knew I was right. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, that was up to her.</p><hr/><p>I drove back into Inaba proper to buy Rise's energy drinks. The Konishi Liquor Store was the only shop that sold the exact ones she wanted. I was surprised to find my classmate Naoki Konishi working at the register. It was his family's store, but we weren't old enough to buy or drink alcohol. I was even more surprised that he knew it was Rise's birthday tomorrow. The two of them must have been closer friends than I realized. I didn't think much of it as I left the store.</p><p>I had some time to kill while I waited for Rise. I should have stayed in the suite for a while longer to take a nap. Yaso High was closed for the night; I couldn't watch any of the TVs there. I decided to go to the electronics section at Junes to check someone's channel. The department store's annoyingly catchy theme song played as I entered the front doors. Not many people were there at this hour. Yosuke's family owned this store. I didn't want to run into him anywhere. I checked around first and found him sitting out in the courtyard with Yu. That place used to be our 'secret headquarters' for the Investigation Team. Yosuke and Yu appeared to be having a serious conversation. They likely wouldn't come inside the store and find me any time soon.</p><p>There were several TVs on display next to the video games. I stared at the games behind the glass as I passed them by. My PlayStation 3 was uselessly sitting in the back of my trunk along with my game collection. I missed having the free time and space to play what I wanted. These days and nights of sitting in my car without much stimulation were terrible. Every now and then I visited one of the internet cafés in Okina City to play PC games. I didn't want to do anything too often in case someone from Inaba recognized me and spread rumors. Frequenting Junes also wasn't an option for the same reason…</p><p>I found a TV that wasn't in view of any of the security cameras. Rise sent me another text:</p><p>"<em>My vocal coach had an emergency and left in a hurry. Checking to see if my therapist can see me a little earlier! Today's been totally crazy… Can't wait to see you again!"</em></p><p>I retrieved my pen and tuned into Rise's channel—61. That familiar yellow background appeared.</p><p>"<em>Rise Kujikawa, also known as Risette, born June 1st, 1995, Gemini—what is her Arcana?"</em></p><p>"<em>Lovers," </em>I wrote.</p><p>"<em>Please provide one fact about Rise Kujikawa that only a Hardcore Risette Fan would know."</em></p><p>I almost laughed at that. <em>"The English mixtape she's currently working on is titled Maru-Q."</em></p><p>"<em>Unlimited access granted. Welcome, Detective Prince."</em></p><p>I saw Rise walking into the building where her therapist's office was, her long hair fanning behind her as she moved. She had on a tight pair of jeans, boyish sneakers and an oversized white graphic T-shirt, with her huge sunglasses pushed back over her head. Whenever I saw Rise, I couldn't help admiring how beautiful she was. Slung over her shoulder was the bag she'd packed, with her golden designer purse over the other. Did she guess already that I'd made reservations for us? As she passed through the lobby to the elevators, I sent her a text telling her I bought her energy drinks. I watched Rise check her phone. She beamed and jumped a little as she walked, quickly texting back.</p><p>Rise found her therapist's receptionist typing at the front desk. "Excuse me, is Dr. Yamazaki in?" she asked. "My appointment's not for another twenty minutes. I was wondering if she could see me earlier. My schedule got changed around."</p><p>"Yes, she should be," replied the receptionist, smiling. "Let me call and let her know you're here. Rise Kujikawa, right? Risette?"</p><p>"You recognized me?"</p><p>This receptionist must have been new. "Of course!" she said, dialing the therapist's number. "You're quite the icon! My daughter is a huge fan. She was excited when she heard you're working on new music!"</p><p>Rise laughed graciously. "It'll be a while before I'm ready to share it," she explained. "I hope your daughter doesn't mind waiting."</p><p>"Oh, it's no trouble at all! Yes…Dr. Yamazaki? Miss Kujikawa's here to see you… Very well. Thank you." The receptionist hung up the phone. "She'll be ready for you in about five minutes."</p><p>Rise bowed. "Okay, thank you," she said. Her phone rang; she checked the number and frowned. "Sorry… I need to take this. It was great meeting you!" She waited until she was out of earshot of the receptionist before answering, sounding pissed off. "<em>What?</em>"</p><p>Yu was on the other end. <em>"Hi, Rise…I'm just calling to let you know I'm in town," </em>he said.</p><p>"Pick an honorific and stick with it, Senpai," snapped Rise. "We're not close like that anymore. It's rude!"</p><p>"<em>I'm sorry. Rise-san—is that better? Will that work?"</em></p><p>"Not calling in the first place would have worked."</p><p>"<em>Look, I know you're mad at me… I also called to apologize. For not sticking up for you back at the train station. For not calling before. For…letting all this happen, basically. I was scared and confused, and my train was about to leave without me…I didn't know what to say at the time. You didn't deserve any of this. I'm so sorry. I was wondering if you wanted to meet in person to talk about what happened."</em></p><p>Rise gripped her phone tighter, trying not to blow up in the lobby. "Wait a minute!" she hissed. "Didn't you keep dating Yukiko-senpai after she made a fool out of me in front of <em>everyone?</em> Why are you in a long-distance relationship with her if you're <em>so</em> <em>sorry</em> about what happened? Not only that, but you waited over two months to apologize! Do you think I'm stupid or something? That I'd forgive you and we'd go back to having lame phone sex?"</p><p>"<em>What? No! I-I wasn't expecting anything… Yuki, she…she told me you didn't want to talk to me. I didn't call. Then I found out that was a lie."</em></p><p>"The stuck-up, boy-crazy bitch who made me cry at a freaking train station told you that? How could she possibly know what I wanted?!"</p><p>"<em>I…I realized how dumb it was that I believed her."</em></p><p>"When?" asked Rise. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Five minutes ago? Yesterday, maybe?"</p><p>Yu obviously didn't have a real answer for her. <em>"I'm sorry."</em></p><p>Rise let out a measured breath, controlling her temper again. "I can't believe you," she muttered. "All of this happened because you couldn't handle a girl like me. So you went running to someone who's the exact opposite. Yukiko-senpai's hottest fantasy has to be having sex with the lights on. Bonus points if it's not missionary. Do you two get off to how bland and boring you are together?"</p><p>"…<em>you've changed, Rise-san."</em></p><p>"I haven't <em>changed</em>," said Rise. "I woke up and saw how ridiculous I was for wanting you at all." The receptionist called across the room, saying her therapist was ready to see her. "I have to go now."</p><p>"<em>Wait! Can I see you tomorrow? We should talk about this in person."</em></p><p>"No, I'll be with Naoto tomorrow. I'm busy with her tonight, too, so don't ask. Goodbye, Senpai."</p><p>Rise hung up on his protests. Once she reached her therapist's office, I turned the channel. I couldn't spy on her sessions like this. Technically it was no different from spying on everyone else with these programs. With her therapy, that was a line I wouldn't cross. Down the aisle in the video game section, I saw Dojima and Nanako browsing the kids' games. Nanako's eyes glazed over at the selection. I heard Dojima grumbling about how expensive the video games were. I wondered if I should have gone over and spoken to them or not. I wasn't in the mood for small-talk.</p><p>"Naoto-kun!"</p><p>Nanako walked over to me, waving. Dojima followed her, smiling warmly.</p><p>"Evening," said Dojima. "What brings you here, Naoto?"</p><p>Calling me by my first name now? "Good evening," I replied. "I'm only passing the time. Rise and I have plans later. It's her birthday tomorrow."</p><p>"Wow, really?" asked Nanako. "How old will she be?"</p><p>"Seventeen," I told her.</p><p>"That's so cool! I can't wait until I'm seventeen. Being seven is boring!"</p><p>I smiled and asked, "What makes you say that?"</p><p>Dojima chuckled. "The video games for kids her age don't look all that great," he answered. "Then again, I don't know too much about games anymore. I have no idea if the ones for older kids are things she should be playing. Hey, you're a gamer, aren't you? A while back, you mentioned liking that detective game. Could you help us out?"</p><p>"You mean <em>L.A. Noire?</em> I can't believe you remember that."</p><p>"It sounded like a cool concept. Solving crimes and fighting bad guys in 1940s Los Angeles. I meant to try it out for myself, but I just don't have the time to sit and play these days…"</p><p>Nanako seemed interested in the game. "Could I try it?"</p><p>"Err, I don't know, Nanako," said Dojima. "We should stay away from violent games for now."</p><p>"Do you plan on buying her a PlayStation 3?" I asked. "They're cheaper now that the PlayStation 4 is likely coming out next year. This is the best time to buy one."</p><p>"…they're still expensive," he complained. "I'm not sure if it's worth the investment."</p><p>"Video games stimulate the mind. Nanako's intelligent enough to figure out how to play them. Playing games will keep her from getting bored. She can put hundreds of hours into the ones she enjoys. I was her age when I started playing them seriously."</p><p>"All right, all right. You've made your case. Sounds like a good idea. Where should we start?"</p><p>All those games just sitting in my car… "Actually, Nanako-chan can have my old PS3," I offered. "I have a bunch of games for it that I was going to sell. They're in my trunk now if you want them."</p><p>"Really, Naoto-kun?" asked Nanako, in awe. "You're giving them to me? That's so nice of you!"</p><p>"Yeah, it is," agreed Dojima. "You'd do that for us?"</p><p>"I don't need them anymore. Please, take them. Where are you parked? I'll bring them to your car."</p><p>Honestly, I was paranoid about leaving valuables in my car. Rise had playfully <em>stolen </em>my laptop one day to keep in her room; I conveniently forgot to ask for it back. She had no idea what my password was, anyway. Now that she had her new phone, we didn't need to chat over instant messenger anymore. She made us do all of our homework and studying at school to free up our time together.</p><p>I knew that Nanako would take good care of my games. While Dojima packed my system and games neatly into his car, I explained to Nanako how to use the PS3—creating a new user account, how to cycle through the PS1 games I'd downloaded to the hard drive, how to plug in the second controller to play with her father, which games to play first and so on. Nanako had no problem following my instructions. She thanked me several times and gave me a hug. I was glad that I could make her happy like this. Once Nanako was in the backseat looking over the box covers and instruction manuals, Dojima bowed his head to me.</p><p>"We won't forget this, Naoto," he said. "You've made Nanako's whole year. I would've had to spend a fortune to buy all those games in mint condition. Thanks so much for your kindness."</p><p>"It's no trouble at all, Dojima-san."</p><p>He glanced at my car. "Pretty fancy wheels you got here. Aren't you and your girlfriend the same age?"</p><p>"We'll both be seventeen in a few hours, yes…"</p><p>Dojima clapped my shoulder, grinning at me. "I'll pretend you're eighteen and legally allowed to drive on your own." That was…oddly generous of him, considering he was our town's district attorney. I was so distracted by his leniency that I forgot to confront him about the nature of his promotion. "Looks like my nephew's spending the weekend with Hanamura and his family. I should get Nanako home now. Stop by whenever and play a few games with us. You and Rise are both welcome at our house any time."</p><p>Dojima and I exchanged cell phone numbers, just in case Nanako had more questions about the games. I watched them leave Junes' parking lot. Nanako waved goodbye to me from her backseat window; I waved back to her.</p><p>Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if I took Dojima up on his offer. They did still have that empty room Senpai had stayed in while he lived here. Summer was fast approaching. The warmer nights in my car were unbearable sometimes. I didn't want to imagine what it would've been like over the summer break. I should have called home to see if my grandfather was still there, or at a hospital somewhere after what happened. I was too scared to go back and check. Chipping away at my savings with gas money, car washes, trips to public bathhouses and late-night meals was somehow more bearable than facing those memories. Eating lunch at school was convenient—Rise always cooked a meal for us to share. Even though she had a terrible fondness for making <em>everything </em>too spicy, I'd gotten used to it.</p><p>I had thought about getting a place of my own. It wasn't sensible to do that without an income. That would have started rumors anyway. People would have assumed that the Shirogane legacy was in danger…even though that was true. Living out of my car was my only option for the time being.</p><hr/><p>Nerves settled in my stomach as I parked outside the Amagi Inn with Rise in the passenger's seat. I'd been planning this surprise for her for weeks. Now that she was here with me, instead of just in my thoughts and my fantasies about this night, I didn't know how to handle it. Rise covered her eyes with her hands like I asked, grinning wildly. Her natural joy helped me to calm down and breathe.</p><p>"Can I look now?" she begged. "Please?"</p><p>"Yes, go ahead."</p><p>Rise lowered her hands. Her grin didn't change at all. In fact, I watched her mind working, telling herself to act surprised. She made an exaggerated gasp and threw her arms around my neck.</p><p>"Oh, Naoto, this is amazing! The Amagi Inn…way to rub it in Yukiko-senpai's face!"</p><p>I sighed, disappointed. "You knew about this, didn't you?"</p><p>"Um…w-well," she stammered, before cracking up. "Okay, okay—I overheard from a few girls talking in the bathroom at school earlier. Yukiko-senpai told Chie-senpai this morning that you made reservations for us. She said our suite is right next to her room! Then the girls in their class heard, and then <em>I </em>heard about it from them. Small world, huh?"</p><p>"How wonderful…"</p><p>"Aww, I'm sorry!" said Rise, kissing my cheek. "I still love it. Thank you…I've wanted us to come back here for the longest. It's like you read my mind. That's the most romantic thing… Those third years were saying you booked a suite with a private hot spring for us. Aren't those expensive?"</p><p>"It's for your birthday, Rise. I want to spoil you tonight. Every night, really."</p><p>I carried her bag and her purse for her, and the paper bag with the energy drinks she wanted. Rise wouldn't stop smiling as we walked in together. Yukiko predictably wasn't at the front desk this time. I knew we'd find her eventually. It was impossible for Yukiko to avoid us from tonight, Thursday, all the way until Monday morning. Once Rise saw the suite for herself, I forgot all about my disappointment from the surprise being ruined. I set her things in the closet next to my bag. While she looked around in wonder, I lit a few of the candles I'd set over the tables. I smiled at Rise picking up some of the roses to smell them. She was impressed by my presentation, by the private hot spring just outside.</p><p>No TV, no laptops, and no internet unless we checked our phones—we were secluded here in a way.</p><p>Rise cupped my face in her hands, kissing me, tongue teasing inching steadily deeper. This soft mouthful of her tasted like her anticipation trickling through me, mixing with mine. Words as spoken breath, Rise asked me which wall was connected to Yukiko's room. I took a few steps back, answering her that way; Rise went all the way and eased me against the wall. I broke the kiss and laughed at how bold she was. She held my head close to her, laughing with me. I knew she imagined Yukiko sitting on the other side, miserable.</p><p>"Oh, God, I want to yell something nasty," whispered Rise. "If she's on the phone with Senpai, that'd be the best. He'll know I was serious when I said I'm busy with you. He had some nerve calling me…" She quickly changed the subject—"How long did you ask them to wait until they brought room service?"</p><p>"An hour and a half," I said. "You said you weren't all that hungry yet."</p><p>"Perfect. That gives us time to take a little dip outside!"</p><p>Rise went to plug in her portable mp3 stereo. While she settled on a playlist, I went to get a fresh towel and changed out of my clothes. I was used to open baths by now. Taking one with Rise in the hot spring was much different. We were alone. We hadn't done much more than making out with clothes on. I didn't expect us to have sex this weekend—not if Rise wasn't ready. I tried not to think about it… Sometimes I couldn't help myself. Like now, with only a towel wrapped around my body, watching Rise saunter over to me in just her oversized shirt that came down to her thighs. I had a habit of automatically locking my eyes to her legs. She had grown a little taller than me since last year; her hips were wider and her waist was smaller; it wasn't my imagination that her breasts had gotten larger, softer, new proportions filling. Her whole body was very fit from working out, from dancing…</p><p>"Naoto," scolded Rise, lifting my chin. She giggled at how dazed I was. "Are you seriously wearing a towel? It's only us here this time. I know you're not shy. Or <em>are you?"</em></p><p>"Not anymore."</p><p>I held her waist in my hands, pulling her closer—firmly, unintentionally catching Rise off guard. Her whole body twitched; she laughed loudly, uncontrollably.</p><p>"<em>Naoto, stop!" </em>she cried. "You can't—<em>you can't</em>—you can't do that!"</p><p>"Rise…are you sensitive here? You know I'm not tickling you."</p><p>All I did was tighten my grip as a test and Rise almost screamed. "YES, I am!" she said, running away. I wanted to laugh at how sudden this was. Rise stopped against the wall a few paces away. Her body trembled, like she was about to crack up again. "Ohh…it's because I'm not wearing actual clothes like my uniform. And you're not usually this…firm with me."</p><p>"Am I not allowed to grab you there…?"</p><p>"You can if we're in the middle of something… If I'm not expecting it, it tickles. I don't know why. But you already know that I'm weird."</p><p>I liked learning this quirk of hers. It helped me feel like I knew her a little better.</p><p>Rise walked back over to me. She guided my hands to the hem of her shirt. She wanted me to take her shirt off. I pulled it up over her head and set it aside. Gentler this time, I felt the smoothness of her bare skin—the curve of her waist, the small of her back down to the band of her boy shorts, and up to her bra. I let her know I was amused by the boy shorts. I wouldn't have guessed she wore these.</p><p>"They're comfortable!" said Rise. "I like wearing them on the days like these when I have a lot going on. I thought about changing while I packed my bag… When I said I wanted us to go in the hot spring, I figured you'd say no. I didn't think you'd want to do this with me."</p><p>"Why not?" I asked.</p><p>Rise glanced away. I knew I wouldn't be able to pry her answer out. Just a little firmer this time, I reached around to unhook her bra. She leaned forward against me, body shaking a bit at a time. I pulled her bra off, listening to the brush of fabric along her skin. Rise held onto my neck, letting her hands move down to my back with her freeing release. She eased her fingertips over my sore muscles. I groaned from the sudden, dull pain.</p><p>Misty and peaceful, Rise murmured over my forehead, "You're in knots all over… Are you sleeping on a pile of bricks in your room? I need to give you a massage once we're in the water." She moved her hips into mine. I held the waistband of her shorts, waiting for her permission. "Take them off of me…"</p><p>I summoned all of my self-control once Rise was completely bare in my arms. I didn't want to risk upsetting her by doing anything too soon. She maneuvered around me to keep me from seeing her just yet. Rise stood behind me in the water, easing me along the spring's edge. I rested my head over my arms, eyes closed. By the slight trembling in Rise's hands, I knew she was nervous. She calmed down once she felt how relaxed I was. Rise pressed her hands along my shoulders, filling her touch with her thoughts. The first time we were in a hot spring together, it was with Chie, Yukiko and Nanako after our school's culture festival. Rise, Chie and Yukiko had surrounded me in the water, complimenting my skin and my body. I'd only been nervous because of Rise—she'd had to pull me out of the room by my arm. Our places had reversed this time. She was tentative, unsure of how to touch me. The sentiment heated me more than the water around us.</p><p>Eventually, Rise moved into me more. She used her weight to press the knots from my back and shoulders. Sleeping in my car had caused all this soreness. Feeling it loosen and leave helped my mood.</p><p>"Naoto," breathed Rise, her voice brushing through my hair. "Thank you again…for doing this for me." I felt the steam from my scalp trickling along her mouth. Rise licked her lips. "I thought couples only did things like this in books and movies. I almost couldn't believe it when I heard those girls earlier."</p><p>I laughed a little. "You mean like the movies you've been in?"</p><p>Rise pressed her smile against me. "Those don't count," she said. "They were only indie projects. Nothing huge or iconic like the bigger releases everyone remembers."</p><p>"Your exes wasted your time, Rise," I said. "Someone as beautiful and talented as you are, you deserve the very best. Doesn't have to be for an occasion every time. The next time, it'll be just to make you feel special. I'm not the best at saying it…but I want you to know how much you mean to me."</p><p>"You don't <em>have </em>to say it. I like that you're more hands-on with me. I won't forget this. Ever."</p><p>We spent a while longer in the hot spring, talking, touching. Rise massaged me more until our dinner arrived. At her insistence, we both wore our yukata as we ate at the low table. For dessert, I brought out her cake, and she loved it. Rise's face was aglow with delight, lit by the candles nearby. Like I'd said to her, I knew that I wasn't the most expressive person when it came to my words. Doing things like this for her was my way of making up for that. Even just for these days and nights we had together, I could put my issues in the back of my mind and focus on her. I could sleep with a roof over my head, in a real bed, with Rise at my side instead of only in my thoughts.</p><p>Closer to midnight, Rise lay down over one of the futons. I was at her side, knelt over her, lost in the softness of her lips, red like roses. The sleeves of her yukata slipped down along her arms as she held my face, my head, her nails lightly combing through my hair. Every now and then, the tenseness in her fingertips tried to speak to me. Rise sighed into my mouth. Her breaths picked up, laced with vulnerability, with more words she wouldn't say.</p><p>I pulled away, just a bit, to look at her. "What's the matter…?"</p><p>Rise stared at me with lidded eyes. "This whole month…you've been distant," she said quietly. "I was scared. I thought I did something wrong. Like you were frustrated that we couldn't have sex because I'm not ready yet. It put too many ideas in my head. Then you surprised me with this…" Distant. She meant how quiet I'd been since the incident with my grandfather. I did my best not to let that show around her, but I must not have done enough. "Everything you do gets to me. Before I heard that rumor this morning, I was practically dead, terrified… Now I…I can't explain it. I don't know what this is…"</p><p>"You did nothing wrong," I told her. "If I'm in a mood and you don't know why, it isn't your fault."</p><p>"Are you sure…?"</p><p>"Yes, Rise. This is your night. As is tomorrow night, and the next one. Every day that I'm with you is yours. So don't worry about a thing. I'm here with you."</p><p>I reached over and picked out a small piece of chocolate. I slid it in my mouth, enough to melt the outer layer. Sweet milk chocolate slipped through our kiss, melting with her moans. Rise arched into me, mixed with surprise and elation, just as her tongue mixed with mine and this dripping taste. Deeper I went, more meaning; Rise tightly tangled my head and shoulders between her arms, relaxing only to let me slip another piece of chocolate or fruit in her mouth. Her chest hitched with breaths she couldn't control. I was in love with every sound she made for me, every whisper of my name. Any inhibitions I had steadily drifted away. I had Rise turn over on her stomach; I pulled her yukata down to her hips, enough to reveal her shoulders and back. Her slightly tanned skin soaked in the starry night from outside the sliding glass doors. I used my hand to comb her hair to the side, kissing up and down her back, taking my time. I could taste the freshness of the spring water over her skin.</p><p>I glanced at her phone charging nearby. The silent alarm went off, Rise's screen lighting up with a picture of us, showing the time—midnight, her birthday. I wanted to wait a bit before I said anything.</p><p>Rise tensed her body and relaxed in reaction to me. I tongued the spots where she tensed the most. I listened to her panting. Steadily louder each time. Rise didn't laugh this time when I gripped her waist. She arched her body again, frustration building. I laughed softly along the curve of her spine. Rise twisted from side to side. My mouth, my face rode her movements as growing waves, tides crashing by the sounds she let out. The length of her hair spilled over her back, feather-soft against me.</p><p>Firmer, I touched her, testing. Down to the small of her back, I tasted her sweat beading here, building from her frustration. I licked it away and pressed my tongue into her, mimicking what I wanted to do to her between her legs. Rise dug her nails into the futon, clawing a little at a time. When she whined my name like a command, I moved back up to whisper to her.</p><p>"Do you need something?" I asked, tone as deep as she loved.</p><p>Rise buried her face into the pillow. She was too worked up to speak.</p><p>I eased Rise over onto her back. She wouldn't let me kiss her lips, needing to catch her breath. I pressed my lips along her jaw instead, the side of my face brushing against her hair fanned out behind her. "It's past midnight," I finally said. Rise had yet to steady her breathing. She couldn't. I didn't want her to. "Happy Birthday, baby." Rise moaned again, and again, pitch rising each time. She ran her trembling hands down the back of my yukata, again saying words that her lips wouldn't form. "Am I allowed to have more of you?"</p><p>Rise snatched one of the energy drinks into her hand. She opened the cold can and made me drink from it. "Anywhere you can see," she ordered. She drank a bit and set the can aside. "Come here, Naoto…"</p><p>She quickly pulled my head down to her chest. Straight to the point—she wanted this and she wanted it now. I grinned into her breasts. Rise felt it; her chest shook with laughter, melodious and up close. Her amusement fell back to arousal, softness of her breasts in my mouth. More sweat mixed in with the lingering taste of the spring water, more as Rise heated up from every lick of my tongue, more from flicking against her hardness in my mouth, more from me sucking one at a time, savoring her. She couldn't come like this. The need built in her, erupting in the way she scratched down my back and said my name louder and louder. I knew Yukiko heard her on the other side of the wall. I knew Rise didn't care; she had her body fully arched into my mouth, thrusting her covered waist into me. I only stopped when she let out a broken moan, sounding like she was about to cry.</p><p>All she needed was a few moments to breathe. Rise drank from the can, had me drink more. I kept pleasing her for hours longer, until I saw the morning dawn creeping into the room. We had school today… Rise was too far gone. She whined when I reminded her of the time, mumbling complaints, saying she wanted to stay here forever. We hadn't slept at all.</p><p>Driving to school with her, I felt like I was in another world. I held Rise's hand in my free one, caressing her thumb with mine. This sunny morning was colored differently than I remembered all the others. I saw through a filter that brightened the orange and pink hues of the dawn in the sky. Through the mirror on Rise's side, I noticed the hazel of her eyes burning in the light of the sunrise. She stared outside at the houses we passed by, at the other Yaso kids walking to school, all of them oblivious to where the two of us had been, what we'd done. Keeping my hands off of her until we returned to our suite seemed impossible. Already I caught myself staring at her skirt too much.</p><p>When Yosuke and Kanji met us at the gates, Rise couldn't make her voice work to greet them. She gently clung to my arm, breathing quickened by the memories that filled her mind and her eyes. The duality in her apparent shyness and the truth of her desires turned me on, fascinated me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Risky Risette</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As expected, there was no point in showing up to school that day. Not even the news about our school district being in trouble could force the other students to calm down. It wasn't only our district—nearly every school district in Japan suffered from low test scores. Parents complained and protested, threatening to pull their children from public schools and switch to homeschooling. If our final test scores in July didn't improve, Yasogami High ran the risk of shutting down. I'd assumed that by now everyone would have gotten tired of gossiping and yelling over our teachers' attempts to teach us anything. Our midterm results were horrendous all around. Mine were about the same as always. Rise did relatively well. The rest of our class, and the whole school for that matter…not so much.</p><p>Everyone was focused elsewhere. Stories about peoples' bi-curious fantasies with specific students, incest porn vids, rape allegations and evidence, secret love affairs and cheating scandals, hate crimes, masturbation vids, more nudes, unspeakable types of hentai, questionable interests and drug use filled our classrooms and halls daily. I hadn't heard anything about Yukiko. Yosuke's stash of online hentai was exposed recently. And…most of his collection was of Rise. It was better for the both of us that I pretended not to know about this. Kanji didn't seem bothered about his faceless nudes circulating the school. The tattoos had apparently given away his identity. The rumors about Chie liking femdom sounded farfetched to me. Her shadow had used a whip at some point, but…that was such a stereotype.</p><p>None of my secrets had gotten around anywhere. People only talked about my relationship with Rise, anyway. They all knew about our getaway to the Amagi Inn. So that had started rumors about the two of us having sex. I should've been annoyed by their assumptions. Rise wasn't. Maybe that was why I didn't care all that much.</p><p>Right after lunch, Rise finally crashed from her energy drink high. I linked our chairs together and sat facing her, with my shoulder against the back of my chair. Rise slept on me through our rowdy non-classes, nestled in my arms. That clean and cozy smell from our suite lingered in her hair, reminding me of our night and morning together. Every now and then, she let out the smallest sounds in her sleep, moving into me more. I melted every time. Kanji sat on top of his desk as usual, glancing at us every now and then while he chatted with Naoki; despite his apology over a month ago, he was terrible at hiding his jealousy when he thought I wasn't paying attention.</p><p>My eyes grew heavier as the hours passed. I didn't want to fall asleep and risk literally falling out of my chair.</p><p>Listening to the gossip would have put me right to sleep. I needed something else to keep me awake for the next few hours…</p><p>The unused TV on the stand in the corner turned on by itself. I looked around as much as I could without disturbing Rise's sleep. No one else so much as glanced at the screen. That yellow background was more than noticeable. Was I the only one who could see it? I pulled out the special remote-pen from my pocket. I wondered if there was any point in tuning in to Rise's channel. She was right here in front of me. I toyed with the idea of the program showing something different while she was asleep. Perhaps her shadow was active in her mind, her dreams. I only had the option of watching Rise's channel or Yukiko's. For anyone else, I would have had to go over to the screen to write my answers to the security questions.</p><p>I started to question the meaning of this program. That stranger said the channels were meant to help me with my investigation. So far, all I'd learned was information about Senpai's love triangle drama. If the two issues were connected, then was I right in relegating Yukiko to a red herring? I was still unconvinced she had leaked Rise's photographs to anyone. No…it couldn't have been her.</p><p>Where was the overlap? Was I not looking in the right places? Was I focusing on the wrong things?</p><p>I didn't want to put much stock into anyone's dreams. But with Rise, it was possible to see her potential enemies this way. The culprit had to be someone I didn't know; someone I could only learn about through her dreams. Or at least someone I hadn't suspected right away.</p><p>I tuned into Rise's channel.</p><p>
  <em>Rise's reflection pulled me through to her dream. Dim darkness pitched the dusty library I found myself in. Wide aisles, wide open spaces, and long, tall bookcases filled the area. Narrow desks jutted from the bookcases; faceless Yaso students in their white summer uniforms sat at the desks with their heads down, reading blank books. I walked through the aisles toward the sounds of faint, familiar voices. They grew clearer the closer I became. Near one of the bookcases, in between two rows of desks, I saw Yu and Rise together. Both of them wore their summer uniforms, too—Rise in her white sailor shirt and gray skirt, thin socks that ran up her calves; Yu wore his white short-sleeved shirt and black trousers, like me. Yu read from one of the books on the desk, while Rise browsed the bookcase, pretending to ignore him.</em>
</p><p>"<em>I wish we could do this, Risette," read Yu. "Look at the original script—look at what you said to me. You wanted to marry me as soon as you graduated. You wanted me to be your husband. You wanted to cook for me. You wanted us to grow old together. You wanted us to drink tea together. I miss that girl. Rise. Not Risette. The one who was happy to live with a struggling career as long as it meant I got to take care of her. Provide for her. Be the man in her life, the boss. That's what men are for."</em></p><p>
  <em>Rise shoved her book back onto the shelf, sighing loudly. "Senpai, stop it," she ordered.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yu stared at her in shock. "Why?" he asked. "We were together. You said you loved me!"</em>
</p><p>"<em>That was a long time ago… A lot's changed. You know that."</em></p><p>
  <em>Yu pulled her close, possessive. "My feelings won't go away," he said. "You teased about letting me have you all the time. Then you just…stopped. You ignored me. It's not fair!"</em>
</p><p>"<em>I want Naoto, not you!" yelled Rise, struggling to get away. "Let go of me!"</em></p><p>"<em>She doesn't exist."</em></p><p>
  <em>Kanji showed up in his black tank and uniform pants, standing in front of their desk. He had a professional camera in his hands. "He's right," he claimed, looking at her through the camera. "You're getting fucked by an imaginary person every night. That's your thing, isn't it? Stay with someone who's not real so you don't have to deal with our bullshit. Since she's not real, that's the only reason you don't freak out and cry when she touches you."</em>
</p><p>"<em>You don't know what you're talking about!" cried Rise.</em></p><p>
  <em>She saw me nearby. Quickly, Rise pulled me over and sat me down in a chair.</em>
</p><p>"<em>Naoto, did you hear them?" she asked, straddling me. "They think you don't exist!"</em></p><p>
  <em>Kanji took a picture of us. "This bitch," he cursed. "She thinks she's more of a man than we are. One of these days I'm gonna fuck her—show her who's in charge. She won't reject me anymore after that!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yosuke walked over to us in swim trunks, flipping through a swimsuit magazine. "Damn, Risette!" he said. "I swear you keep me hard for days. Remember what that photographer said? This is all you're good for. All of you! The ones who don't dress for us don't exist. Like your 'girlfriend' here. But…maybe she'd exist if you two made out right here, right now? Think I can convince you to take your clothes off, too?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>More flashes from Kanji's camera. "Yeah, take 'em off!" he cheered. "C'mon, Risette! This is your thing. This is your specialty! Once you're more famous, the first thing everyone's gonna look at is your tits. Then your ass. Then your face. Then they'll listen to what you have to say, if you're lucky. You know it's true! Your body comes first, then whatever talent you think you've got. You're only gonna sell if us men think you're fuckable!"</em>
</p><p>"<em>Hey, Risette," said Yu. "When you're done with her, come back to me. Whatever you're doing with Naoto is just a phase and you know it. You need me to be the boss of you."</em></p><p>"<em>But before you finish with her—take pictures!" added Yosuke, grinning madly.</em></p><p>Raging, crashing waves overpowered the dream; this false reality washed away, back to consciousness, back to our loud classroom. The TV in the corner turned itself off. Rise dug her nails into my shoulder, my back, groaning as she roused from her sleep. From the roughness in her breaths, I knew she was angry. I held her tighter. Rise steadily calmed down, relaxing her grip over me. I wasn't sure what to say. Her dream had hit too close to home for me. I knew that she was anxious about possibly seeing Senpai in town this weekend. As for Kanji and Yosuke, she must have resented them, too. Rise hadn't mentioned her issues with them, not to me. I wished I could have asked her. I wasn't allowed. This new function with these programs must have been a sign from that stranger. I had to have earned some of their trust by now for them to have given me this new perspective. I didn't want to compromise that.</p><p>Rise rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "What time is it?" she mumbled.</p><p>"School's nearly over," I replied.</p><p>"Mm, how long was I out for?"</p><p>"Since we finished lunch."</p><p>"Seems like it was longer than that," she said. "I felt like I was stuck in my dream. It was terrible…" I was about to take the opportunity to ask; our classroom door slid open, and our unexpected visitors stepped through. "Great. Look who's here… Who does he think he's fooling, wearing those stupid glasses?"</p><p>Yosuke, Yukiko, Chie and Yu came over to our desks. Kanji looked unsurprised, like he expected them to be here. Yu wore his regular summer outfit that I remembered from last year…and a pair of goofy-looking thick-rimmed glasses with a large nose and fake mustache. I turned in my seat to face them, and Rise sat fully on my lap, openly annoyed by everyone's company. She broke her scowl when she noticed Yukiko lingering in the back of the group. Yukiko had dark bags underneath her eyes and kept yawning. Since her room was right next to our suite at her inn, we must have kept her up last night.</p><p>Rise giggled loudly at her. "Hi, everyone," she managed to say. Yukiko blushed in annoyance.</p><p>Yosuke wrapped his arm around Yu's shoulder. "This guy's glasses are hilarious, huh?" he assumed. "He's trying to hide from what's-her-name… Ai Ebihara? That crazy stalker chick who still likes you?"</p><p>"Yes," said Yu, sheepish. "Um…Happy Birthday, Rise-san. Could I, uh, have a hug? I've missed you."</p><p>Rise thought about it before extending her arms. "Thanks, Senpai," she said, hugging him from my lap.</p><p>"Yeah, Happy Birthday, Rise-chan," said Chie. She ribbed Yukiko, hissing something at her. Interesting.</p><p>Yukiko sighed. "A very Happy Birthday to you," she relented, sounding exhausted.</p><p>Rise snorted, laughing again. "Why are you two being nice to me?" she asked. "Is this some kind of special birthday treatment that'll be over with tomorrow?"</p><p>Chie took a deep breath. "No, it's not," she promised. "Yu-kun cleared things up. He said that the two of you <em>were </em>dating before. Basically everything Yukiko and I accused you of was wrong, like you said it was. We didn't want to listen. And…we're sorry."</p><p>Yukiko's jaw was far too tense. "Please accept our humblest apologies," she said, bowing with Chie.</p><p>Rise glanced at Kanji once, matching his façade with Yukiko's. She wasn't fooled. "You're funny, Yukiko-senpai," she commented. "I told you my side of the story months ago. <em>Now </em>the only reason you believe me is because your boyfriend finally said I was right?"</p><p>"That's not the only reason," insisted Chie. She glared at Yukiko. "Isn't that right, Yuki-chan?"</p><p>Yukiko sighed, weary. "She's right," she said. "Naoto-kun…also pointed out a serious issue I have. Perhaps that clouded my judgment."</p><p>"<em>Perhaps?"</em> I echoed.</p><p>"I allowed my feelings for Yu-kun to get in the way of our friendship, Rise-chan. That was wrong of me."</p><p>Rise rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right."</p><p>"Hey, come on," said Yosuke, trying to keep the peace. "They said they're sorry! Can't we all go back to being one happy group again?"</p><p>"We'll see," replied Rise, flippant.</p><p>Kanji got her attention. "So how 'bout we all go out for your birthday?" he proposed. "Let's hit up the arcade! Blow off some steam, yeah? We can eat dinner at the restaurant there before playing games all night! Naoto-kun can drive us. Can't you?"</p><p>I frowned at him, asking, "You do realize there are seven of us?"</p><p>"We'll get creative!" said Yosuke. "C'mon, Naoto-kun! It'd take way too long to walk all the way over there! This is the Investigation Team's reunion party. We've gotta stick together!"</p><p>"<em>It's illegal</em>," I stressed. "My car only seats four people comfortably—five maximum."</p><p>"It's only for tonight," said Yu. "Where's the harm?"</p><p>"Maybe it'll be fun…?" wondered Chie.</p><p>Rise raised her hand. "I call shotgun!" she said. I sighed. "Aww, Naoto, please? It's just for tonight, like Senpai said. Don't you want to watch me dance again? It's been a while…" She moved her lips to my ear, smirking. "After I'm done working up a sweat, you can take me back to our room. Then we can spend as long as we want in our hot spring. Once I'm clean, I want you to spend hours kissing me again, touching me all over my body, feeding me the way you did last night… Don't you want that? I know you do."</p><p>I didn't have it in me to argue against Rise…not when she spoke to me like this. We all headed downstairs and outside to the school's parking lot. I realized how hypocritical it was for me to argue against driving with six other people in my car, when I was already driving illegally without an actual license. As long as it was just for Rise's birthday, everything would be fine. She sat in the passenger's seat, holding my free hand as always while I drove. In the backseat, Kanji and Yu were next to the windows, with Chie and Yukiko between them; Yosuke lay down over their laps, keeping the conversation going. It was a little hard to believe that the same faux leather black seats they sat on were where I lay down every night in the middle of relatively safe parking lots or street corners. The tension in my car was obvious. Kanji clearly still hated Rise. Through my rear-view mirror, I caught him glaring at her every now and then. And Yukiko also had her issues with Rise. She, too, was terrible at disguising her leering. Chie and Yosuke were both caught in the middle this time; I saw that Chie's remorse was sincere, yet she had a hard time convincing Yukiko to truly move on.</p><p>And Senpai. He was right behind me, so I couldn't see him that well. He took off those silly glasses. In my periphery, I caught him staring at me wistfully through the side mirror. I wouldn't have been surprised to find out he had feelings for Rise after everything.</p><p>This situation was a mess. Falsities and fake smiles all around, except from Yosuke and Chie.</p><p>Rise knew it. She didn't want to feed into the drama. She lowered the overhead mini screen, playing a few of her music performances for everyone in the back.</p><p>"Hey, this song's amazing!" said Chie. "Was this really from two years ago?"</p><p>"Yeah I remember this one!" added Yosuke. "It was on the radio all the time. You seriously know how to put on a show, Rise-chan!"</p><p>Rise smiled. "Thanks, guys," she replied. "Could I get your opinion on something?"</p><p>"What's up?" asked Kanji.</p><p>"So you know how the US wants to know more about Japan, after the whole breach thing? A few J-pop acts have been trying to break out in America… The public interest is there. It's just the artists haven't gotten enough traction in the market. Kanami Mashita, that other idol from my management company—she's practically the new Risette here in Japan and she's not doing well at all overseas… I'm thinking about trying, but my chances don't sound too great. From an audience's perspective, do you think my songs would do well in America?"</p><p>"We're a little biased, don't you think?" said Yu.</p><p>"Well, sort of," agreed Rise. She changed the video to a popular American artist. "Like, look at this one. Her singles and music videos are successful there. I'm trying to figure out what they do that works."</p><p>"This video is pretty sexual, huh?" noticed Chie. "Look at the way she's dancing on those guys in this club. The song's catchy. I think <em>she's </em>the one making the song interesting, not the song itself…if that makes sense?"</p><p>"Sex sells, right?" asked Yosuke.</p><p>Rise frowned. "Yeah, probably…"</p><p>Surprisingly, Yukiko had solid advice: "Rise-chan, I don't think you should concern yourself with imitating American artists. Focus on being you. Your talent will shine through from there."</p><p>"I appreciate it, Yukiko-senpai. It's just—a while back when Kanji and Naoto first brought me to this arcade, a group of American boys recognized me. It got me thinking about all these little things like my accent, and if my dancing is too cutesy for a bigger American audience. Trust me, I want to be myself, like you said. If there are smaller things I have to work on, I need to know them now."</p><p>"Cutesy?" said Kanji. "What's that supposed to mean? I've seen you dance. It's not, like, <em>cute.</em>"</p><p>Rise paused, figuring out how to word herself. "Take a look at this," she went on, changing the video to one of Kanami's. "Her dancing is super cute and a little awkward. Her voice is really high-pitched. I'm not like that. Younger girls relate to her more than me. That's why she's so popular in Japan right now. My old manager Inoue-san kept telling me the days of sexy diva pop idols are over."</p><p>"Is that what you want to be?" I asked. "<em>You are</em>, so…why not let that be your stage persona as well? I trust that you can bring those days back if you do your best."</p><p>"You're right," answered Rise, smiling. "I toned it down before. I should work on bringing it back…being myself." She reached over and kissed my neck. "Thanks, babe."</p><p>"Man, you two are hot together," said Yosuke with a wicked grin.</p><p>Chie pushed at him. "You say that like they're putting on a show for you! You're gross."</p><p>Yosuke nearly fell. "H-Hey, don't put words in my mouth!" he yelled.</p><p>Kanji grinned. "Yo, Yosuke-senpai—if I kissed you, would that be hot?" he asked. "I bet you saw my dick pics. Did they get you hard, <em>bro? </em>Or is it only hot when it's about two girls?"</p><p>"Cut it out, dude! Don't even joke about stuff like that! Of course it's only hot with girls!"</p><p>Yu sighed. "Your homophobia's showing again, Yosuke," he said.</p><p>"It's a little obnoxious," commented Yukiko. "You should throw out those magazines and…fan-drawn manga you have of Rise-chan. I would be beyond embarrassed to be around you if you had any of me."</p><p>"I'm used to it," said Rise, sounding jaded.</p><p>Dinner at the arcade's restaurant wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Chie and Kanji poked fun at Yosuke's homophobia for the better part of the meal. Rise teased him about which magazine editions he likely owned. I wasn't paying attention to the rest. My mind was elsewhere. I noticed how Yu and Yukiko sat at either side of Chie instead of next to one another. Had they broken up? More than likely. They wouldn't look at each other. They were both quieter than usual. I hadn't had the chance to watch Yukiko's channel since our conversation after school yesterday. Dojima and Nanako stopped by to wish Rise a happy birthday. They stayed to eat with us for a while. Nanako spoke to me excitedly about the video game she had decided to play. Rise was surprised that I gave away all of my games, praising my kindness. Of course I wouldn't tell her the real reason why I did it.</p><p>I also couldn't stop thinking about Rise's dream from earlier. There was a lot to unpack from all the symbolism and spoken words there. Kanji holding that professional camera was a powerful image. Did Rise see him as a threat? Someone dangerous, abusive, manipulative? It was clear that she didn't trust him, let alone like him. I hadn't realized how serious it was until today. While Dojima took a group picture of us, Rise purposely sat with me near the end of the frame, holding Nanako in her arms. She wanted Chie next to me. No one else.</p><p>We all split up to play games for a few hours. Kanji went back to that same motorcycle game. Yu, Chie and Yosuke went to play <em>Street Fighter </em>while Yukiko sat and watched them. Dojima did his best to play the shooters nearby. Rise and Nanako played the dancing game together—the Midnight Stage. I sat on a stool for an unused game a few paces away. Watching Rise interact with Nanako reminded me of how a kind older sister would be with her sibling. Rise and I were both only children; I remembered her telling me she'd always wanted a little brother or sister to spend time with. Seeing them laugh and dance almost distracted me from something else across the way.</p><p>There were three people standing there, watching Rise intently—an intimidating Yaso girl with long blonde hair and brown eyes, wearing her uniform, and two boys in regular clothes who appeared to be her older brothers. I barely heard their sniggering over the loudness of the arcade games all around me. It reminded me of those times when I had noticed someone following Rise and me back when I walked her home, before I started driving my car to school. What reason did they have to stalk us?</p><p>Then it came to me—that girl was Ai Ebihara. She hated Rise for having dated Yu last year. She was also one of my suspects for leaking those photographs. Just like Yukiko, she seemed too obvious. But the hatred in her eyes was as clear as day… Interrogating her seemed like a bad idea. I was outnumbered.</p><p>Rise and Nanako's screen changed. Instead of the video game characters dancing, I saw Rise's reflection there on a theater stage with pink-violet velvet curtains, staring right into my eyes, deep enough to seduce me. She wore a sexualized outfit—tight top with her black bra and cleavage showing, a mini-skirt and knee-high stiletto heels, swinging on a pole as she danced for me, long hair flowing behind her. I was the only one who saw this. Nanako and Rise kept on dancing as if they didn't notice a thing.</p><p>"Hey, sexy," said Rise's reflection. "Let's make this clear first—<em>she's </em>Rise. <em>I'm</em> Risette. I've been meaning to talk to you one-on-one. I know you can't <em>really </em>talk right now. Not without people thinking you're weird. So just listen for now." Risette held the pole at arm's length, hanging there. She looked me over lustfully. "I know you want to figure out who leaked those pictures. That's your thing, isn't it? Investigating. Solving crimes. I'll save you some stress and give you a few answers: Yukiko and Ai had nothing to do with it. They're <em>way </em>too obvious, like you said. Your instincts are amazing!"</p><p>If they didn't do it, then who did? And why?</p><p>Risette sensed my thoughts. "Pay attention to our dreams, Naoto," she went on. "The person who's actually responsible for what happened…you have no idea who they are. Everyone keeps telling you that you don't. <em>You </em>know that you don't. You tell yourself that you do, since all you're able to watch are your friends' lives. Spying on them like a dirty pervert to learn the truth! Who knew you were so nasty?!"</p><p>I wasn't like that… Whenever Yukiko's conversations with Yu became remotely sexual, I changed the channel.</p><p>"Oh, come on! You don't spy on Rise as much as you want to. Don't you know…? Every night while you're in your car feeling sorry for yourself, she touches herself to the thought of you. Maybe I'm saying these things because <em>I want you </em>to be like that. You're such a prude."</p><p>Well then how was I supposed to be?</p><p>Risette giggled, sliding down the pole. "Give it some time," she told me, running her hands down her lean thighs, down to her boots. "She's scared to let you have her. But not for long. If I were you, I'd stop holding back for her sake. Rise wants you to flirt with her, show her you want to fuck her… She wants to pull you in and then frustrate you—just. Like. That. You know, this kind of allure…it's twisted, isn't it?" Slowly, she sat down over the stage, spreading her legs—enough to tease me; not enough to let me see anything. I finally felt myself breathing hard, throbbing harder. "Play into the game, baby. Give her what she wants and I promise you'll solve this little mystery eventually. You won't solve anything by following the rules. Not this time. So stop being such a stiff! If you don't, she'll drop you like she did with boring Senpai. Let her take you on the ride of your life…"</p><p>She blew me a kiss and disappeared.</p><p>As if on auto-pilot, I walked over to Rise on the platform. It was almost Nanako's bedtime. Rise bent down to hug Nanako goodbye; she smiled at me, guiding me to stand against the handrails. Ai and her brothers kept watching us. I blocked them out.</p><p>Rise held my face in her hands, looking me over. "You seem different," she noticed, giggling. The song selection screen beamed with bright lights, reflecting in her eyes, in mine. "What's on your mind, hm?" I didn't want to end up like Yu. I wrapped my arms around her hips, letting that speak for me. Rise was amused by my silence. "I love how serious you are. It's like a little game to see how long you can stay like this before you lose control." Risette was right… Rise picked a song and then focused on me again. While the music started, she moved her hips against me, grinding into me. "Stay still, baby. Just like this. I want the others to see us. Since Yosuke's a pervert who thinks we're so <em>hot, </em>he can watch."</p><p>The song was slow enough for Rise to dance against me like this. She turned around, backing into me and dropping low enough to burn away my stiffness Risette had pointed out. Rise wasn't gentle. She didn't hesitate or hold back. She grinded steadily against me, swaying her hips hard enough to send my mind right to where she wanted. I <em>needed </em>this handlebar behind me like a wall. I would've fallen over if not for that. We could have easily had sex standing up like this. Rise grabbed my hands and made me grip her waist. She raised her arms over her head, reaching behind to weave her nails through my hair.</p><p>Rise whispered against me, still going. "I feel your hands holding me tighter," she said. "You're breathing harder." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw our friends staring at us. "You wouldn't reach up my skirt in an arcade full of people, would you, Naoto?" Her skirt rode up high against my pants. I stared down at her breasts under her uniform shirt, gradually forgetting about all the attention on us. "You're too noble for that. I feel safe knowing you won't take advantage of me…no matter how badly you want to."</p><p>"You <em>know</em> I want to," I told her, breathing in the smell of her silken hair, her perfume speckled with sweat and our school day. "And you also know I won't act on it…" I reached down to the hem of her skirt, groping her thigh, feeling her rhythm, her want—stopping there. "You love tempting me anyway."</p><p>"That's pretty fucked up of me, isn't it?"</p><p>I felt dizzy; I had to catch my breath. "Maybe it is. I don't care. Don't hold back with me, Rise. Not for anything. Tease me as much as you want. Test my patience if you need to. That's what I'm here for."</p><p>"Careful, babe. You might regret it. We'll find out once we get back to our room later…"</p><p>Rise danced against me for a long while, frustrating me in all the ways she wanted. We only left to drive everyone else home. Otherwise we would have stayed until the arcade closed. I stopped by the gas station first. While I filled up my tank, the others went to buy snacks. They leaned on my car as they ate <em>pocky</em>—popular chocolate-covered biscuit sticks—and drank lemon sodas. Yukiko asked me to drop her off at Chie's place instead of taking her back to her family's inn. I hid my smile and agreed. Obviously she didn't want Rise and me to keep her up again. Kanji, Yosuke and Chie talked loudly about drag races, wondering how fast my 'fancy car' could hit top speed. Yu and Rise stood somewhat close together on the passenger's side, talking in low voices. Rise had her arms folded. She wouldn't look at him. I let them speak for a while longer before closing my gas tank.</p><p>All things considered, I did miss this group dynamic we had. Even though I had serious problems with everyone in the group except Rise, friendship was important. Perhaps one day we could move past these issues and be close like we were before. This was progress, anyway.</p><p>Right as everyone was about to get back in, a strange violet sports car pulled up behind mine. Neon yellow lights underneath the car and the headlights nearly blinded me.</p><p>Ai Ebihara stuck her head out from the passenger window. "Yu-kun, is that you?!" she shouted. Yu froze in place. "Why didn't you call to tell me you're in town? Is that slut Risette more important than me? Didn't you get the memo? She doesn't want you!"</p><p>Rise glared at her. "Who are you calling a slut?!" she yelled back.</p><p>"You, bitch! Who else?" said Ai. Her two brothers in the car laughed with her.</p><p>Yu held his hands in the air. "Ai, please don't do this!" he begged. "I told you months ago, we're through! That was in September! Why aren't you over it by now?!"</p><p>Rise almost slapped him. "So you WERE with her while we were together!"</p><p>Chie groaned. "Wow, Yu-kun," she said. "I can't believe you… It's like you needed some kind of message to show up—'<em>you REALLY shouldn't go out with Ai or Yukiko, 'cause you're already in a relationship with Rise-chan.' </em>Geez, how dense can you get? This is <em>so </em>not worth the drama."</p><p>Ai cackled. "Hurts, doesn't it?" she said. "A whore like you should know how to keep them!"</p><p>"God, what is wrong with you?!" shouted Rise. "I'm a virgin! Don't project your stupid boy problems on me! It's not my fault you fall for the guys who only want to fuck you and leave you!"</p><p>Ai's brother threatened to ram into us.</p><p>"Get in the car!" I ordered, turning the key in the ignition. "Now!"</p><p>He nearly ran Rise over. Everyone scrambled to get in, close their doors and put on their seatbelts. Tires screeching against asphalt, I pulled out of the gas station and sped down the empty road. Those neon yellow lights followed close behind. I knew these roads well from driving aimlessly around at night. I let Ai's brother close the distance. Just enough to let him think I couldn't drive fast enough. Once he was a few meters away, and we were out of the residential area, I slammed my foot down on the accelerator.</p><p>Rise and Yosuke screamed like we were on a rollercoaster. Kanji and Chie had to grab onto Yosuke to keep him from rolling off of their laps. Yukiko clung to Yu's arm with her eyes shut, trying not to scream. I gripped the steering wheel with both hands; Rise had her back pressed hard against her seat, grabbing onto my leg instead.</p><p>Kanji laughed, full of nerves. "This is kinda awesome!" he yelled over all the screaming. "Holy shit, Naoto! Put the pedal to the metal! Kick it into high gear! LET'S GO! FASTER, FASTER! HELL YEAH!"</p><p>"Are you INSANE?!" cried Chie. "We're getting chased by a bunch of maniacs! What if we crash and die? There's way too many kung fu movies I haven't watched! Techniques I haven't learned! I can't die yet!"</p><p>Yosuke sounded like he was about to cry. "Kung fu movies?! THAT'S what you're thinking about right now? Oh man, oh man, oh man, Yu, you've totally fucked us! It's your stupid fault you couldn't keep it in your pants!"</p><p>Rise growled. "I said I'm a virgin!" she repeated. "We didn't sleep together!"</p><p>"Yeah, 'cause that's what matters right now?!"</p><p>"It is, you disgusting pervert! If Chie-senpai misses her movies, aren't you missing all that gross hentai about me?!"</p><p>"Low-blow, Rise-chan! Low-blow!"</p><p>"You're sick!" screamed Rise, reaching back to swat at him. Kanji howled with laughter.</p><p>Ai's brother gained on me again. I made a sharp turn to a dark, deserted road not far from the highway. I turned on my brights to see better. Inaba's highways only had one lane on either side. There was no way I could have gotten away from Ai and her brothers. I strained my eyes to catch every bit of the road I could see. I had to get them off of my tail. Through the loud roars of my engine and Ai's brother catching up to me, I struggled to think of a way out of this. There had to be a route I could take.</p><p>Yu blurted out an apology—"I'm sorry! This <em>is</em> my fault! I'm deeply ashamed!"</p><p>"No shit, bro!" said Yosuke. "Yukiko, dump this guy! He's gonna get us killed! <em>Deeply ashamed</em> my ass!"</p><p>"I'd appreciate it if you minded your own business, Yosuke!" yelled Yukiko, still gripping Yu's arm. "Don't police my life! We're still alive, aren't we?! Naoto is an excellent driver…we'll be fine!"</p><p>"Speak for yourself! Ai's brothers are street racing pros! They have nitro! Turbo boosts! How's she supposed to outrun them in a fancy car like this?!"</p><p>I couldn't take it anymore. "Would you all shut up?! I can't concentrate!"</p><p>Rise turned her music up, drowning out the sounds of their conversation in the back. The thrumming bass all around me and the sounds of Rise's bright singing over the pop track helped me focus. Then I remembered—a few blocks down, there was a back alley I could take to throw Ai's brother off of my trail. I kept speeding. I had to be mindful of when to slow down for the turn. The others assumed I was only driving blindly.</p><p>"Hey, navigator!" called Chie. "Can't you help with directions? We need an escape route! Where's Himiko when you need her?"</p><p>"I can't!" said Rise. "Our Personas don't work outside the TV World! You know that!"</p><p>"Can't you try?! This is <em>kind of</em> an emergency!"</p><p>I blocked the rest out again. I made my turn just in time. Ai's brother sped past, missing me. I drove through the alley as quickly as I could, mindful of the bumpy road. I went far enough, driving into one of the usual hiding spots where I parked my car to sleep on some nights. I turned my engine off and lowered the music. The black of my car blended into the dark of the night. I saw those neon lights searching down the block. Rise held onto my arm with both of hers, calming down. She was probably upset from that confrontation on top of the near-death from my driving. The others whispered to each other, as if that would somehow help us hide better. Once Ai's brother drove off, I decided to wait a while before leaving. He might have turned back at the last minute and spotted us.</p><p>"Wow, Naoto-kun," breathed Yosuke. "I shouldn't have doubted you. This car's pretty awesome. Hell, <em>you're </em>awesome! I had no idea you could drive like that!"</p><p>"I know my way around town," I evaded.</p><p>"I'm really sorry again," said Yu. "I screwed up…"</p><p>While the others chastised him again, Rise held my arm tighter. She seemed distressed. I needed to get everyone home so that we could go back to our suite. I pressed my lips over her head, hoping to make her feel better. Once it was safe, I started my car up again and dropped our friends off. Hopefully this was the end of the drama in our group. It also felt like the beginning of something new. A new chapter; a new way for Rise and I to open up to each other without the issues that had held us back before.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Himiko</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Outside, summer showers poured down through the wet and grassy Samegawa Flood Plain, the long road of rivers running through Inaba. Light gray of the late afternoon filled my car parked in an obscure area, sounds of thunder rumbling like thrumming bass. At July's end, our final exams were over, and summer vacation was almost here. After nearly a week of studying in between exams, I needed this—lying in the backseat, with Rise on top of me, grinding my hips between her legs. This music-less, slow rhythm I moved with was my every emotion for her, blown through my limbs and in the way I held her: around her bare back, brushing along her bra strap and her silken, thick, long hair; my other hand pressed firmly into the small of her back. Her uniform skirt and underwear kept me from doing anything more.</p><p>Rise's twisted teasing had taken me here. I had my knees bent, waist lifting her up, keeping her there. She was soaked through the crotch of my uniform pants. I locked her waist in place over me, moving into her at this same pace, driving her wild. Rise clamped her arms underneath my back, grabbing onto my shoulders for support. Her head next to mine, panting over my neck, I listened to her every reaction as my guide. I wasn't thinking. The louder she was, the more sweat I felt along her back, the harder I went. Hearing Rise whimper my name, voice shaking by my thrusting, intoxicated me. I felt that same force rippling through her slender, fit body beneath my palms, my fingertips.</p><p>Sight shadowed by her hair, I stared out the window. Rain poured down the glass; winds rustled the tall, crisp green bushes next my car. I watched to make sure no one found us here. I focused most of my energy on Rise. We had done this too many times before in this exact same spot. But never this far, never this loudly and full of need.</p><p>I grabbed her skirt, hand full of fabric. I wanted to tear it off of her. She felt it in my touch.</p><p>Rise dug her nails into my shoulders, marking me. "Naoto, don't," she whined. I slipped my hand over the bare curve of her hip—the thin band of her underwear. "<em>No</em>—" I stopped myself. Right here. I moved firmer against her. Rise moaned louder, want swelling. "You can't. <em>You can't. </em>Not yet… No…" I heard her imagination clear through her pleasure, her power: "Fuck me, Naoto—<em>fuck me</em> harder, faster—"</p><p>I hiked her body up higher, angled. The weight of her own body up and over mine, going up and coming back down on me—that was what Rise needed. I pressed her waist down at the impact every time; hiking her back up, pressing down again, fucking her like that. Rise lost control. She screamed for me, high pitch hitching in-time with her body.</p><p>Heat of her sweating shoulder and neck against my lips, I growled in her ear, "You love testing my control, don't you?" Rise held her breath, energy boiling. She made the smallest, indiscernible sound, telling me all I needed to know. "That's dangerous. Anyone else would have snapped by now—" I tore her bra strap off and out of my way. "I care about you too much to hurt you, Rise… But you keep pushing me. On purpose. You know…exactly…what you're doing to me."</p><p>"I'm sorry," she whimpered. "Sorry, baby…I'm sorry…"</p><p>"No, you're not," I said. "Don't lie to me."</p><p>Rise whined louder the faster I moved. She held onto me tighter, keeping her place in the world. "Punish me," she panted. "If you're mad at me, do it… Do whatever you want to me—<em>anything</em>."</p><p>"You're doing it again."</p><p>I stopped completely.</p><p>Rise's whole body trembled in her frustration. She groaned and pouted, upset. I didn't want her to lose her high. Already I was starved for more of her reactions to me. I moved to actually sit in the seat, with Rise straddling me still. She draped her arms around my shoulders for support, moving against me on her own. I lifted myself by my heels on the floor, angling against her again. Her bra hung between us, steadily slipping down her shoulders; her breasts pressed tightly over me, tighter and tighter by the moment. I caged her body in my hold, not wanting to let her go. Rise moaned louder by my possessiveness, ever rare. I reached up her back, the nape of her neck, her scalp, gradually gripping the roots of her hair, firm. She threw her head back into my touch; cries of my name over the pelleting rain, and she came as she was: beautiful and limitless. I felt that boundlessness from her, inside of me, sealing me to her heart pounding against my chest.</p><p>I softened my hold over her, letting go of her hair. Rise hadn't let me take her this far before. We had always stopped right before—but today was different. Enough time had passed, enough trust had built. She rested her head next to mine, catching her breath, blissful, gentle. I kissed her damp neck the same way, running my hands through her hair down her back. I was so head-over-heels for her; somehow even the salt of her sweat tasted sweeter than sweet. Rise whined softly, sounding like she was up in the sky. She was still <em>here</em>. Her body shook and shuddered with spasms.</p><p>"I want you again," I whispered, holding her tighter. "I don't want to stop…can't get enough of you."</p><p>Rise twisted in my hold, as if stretching. "How are you doing this to me…?" she asked.</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"Cool on the outside, burning up inside," she murmured, delicate. "Whenever your hands are on me, you're passionate and it's <em>amazing</em>. Even now…I might come again from you kissing me…" Rise sucked in her breath and let it back out, sharply, back arching. "When we're not like this…it's like you have a wall up. You won't let me see into your heart." She sighed deeply, shaking. "It hurts so bad. God, it hurts…"</p><p>I felt my face heat up, hearing the pain in her voice. This wasn't the first time she'd mentioned <em>a wall</em>. I still wasn't sure what she meant. I didn't have this up on purpose. With everything going on… Rise's phone rang over the arm rest in between the front seats. She ignored it. The person called again right away. She groaned and gave in. It was one of her aunts. Rise kept her phone wedged between her face and shoulder, fixing her bra and clasping it. She kept her eyes to mine, softly scrutinizing me.</p><p>Then she looked surprised all of a sudden. "Why am I out of breath?" she repeated. Rise quickly made up a lie—"Umm…N-Naoto and I had to run to her car to get out of the rain! That's all…" I didn't mean to smirk at that. Rise rolled her eyes, playfully pushing me. "…sure, I'll be there. Only for a few hours. I'm taking Naoto out later with the others… All right, bye."</p><p>"You're taking me out?" I asked as she hung up.</p><p>Rise found her shirt and put it back on. "My family at Marukyu wants to celebrate finals being over," she said. "Then you, me, Kanji, Chie-senpai and Yosuke-senpai are going to Naoki-kun's after-finals party at his place. It's supposed to stop raining later. We should wait until then to walk there. It's not a safe neighborhood. Someone might try to steal your car or something."</p><p>"That's reassuring."</p><p>"The party will be fun," she went on. "Naoki-kun's parents are out of town for a few days."</p><p>"Why isn't Yukiko-senpai going?"</p><p>Rise laughed a little. "You'll see," she replied, cryptic. "After you drop me off, I want you to go back home and change." I waited for her to crawl over to the passenger's seat so we could get going. She wouldn't move. "Before we leave…could we cuddle for a bit? I need your arms around me again…"</p><p>I lay back down over the seats, bringing her with me. I wanted to know what she'd meant about that wall I supposedly had up. Of course, I believed her. I accepted that I probably had one. But I couldn't see it. I didn't know when it was up or down or around at all. It definitely wasn't up now. Whenever Rise asked me to hold her, to kiss her, to be here for her like this, I fell for her harder each time. I felt it again right then, with how warm she was against me, listening to me breathe; how divine she sounded, humming softly beneath the rainfall outside. It was the same song she'd been humming for the past three and a half months since school started. The song seemed deeply personal to her. Right as I worked up the courage to ask her about it, she said it was time to go.</p><p>We both moved to our seats in the front, separated-but-together. As I started my car, I looked over at her. Rise had a lot on her mind. I saw that same pain in her eyes again. I leaned over and touched her face, turning her toward me. By the soft sound she let out, she didn't expect to feel my lips over hers. Not like this. Not at all. Rise gave into me for but a moment before easing me away. She stared out the window to the thunderstorm washing across the green plains. I held her hand as I drove her home, wishing there was more I could do to make her smile again. I had to think of something for later.</p><hr/><p>After cleaning off at one of the town's bathhouses, I drove over to the parking lot across from Naoki's family liquor store. Kanji's family textile shop was close by, and Marukyu Tofu was just down the shopping district from here. The rain had mostly stopped, and the sun had set. I had one of Rise's songs on repeat through my stereo system—Maiden of the Empty Forest. Every time I listened to it again, I felt her emotions mixing as mine, deeper and deeper. Sometime during the fifth repeat, she sent me a text telling me she needed to take a power nap before we left. I had bought her a cliché, but expensive bouquet of fresh red roses; they were in the seat next to me, bundled by the stems. Lingering dew over the lush red petals caught the lights from the streets, clinging brightly. Hopefully these would make Rise smile. I felt bad about earlier. We had to talk about it at some point. Later on tonight, ideally.</p><p>I had some time to kill while I waited for Rise to wake up. I went to the backseat and pulled down the overhead mini screen. With my remote-pen, I took a chance and tried to watch Rise's channel. It worked—the yellow background fizzled into a security feed of Rise asleep in her bed. I couldn't see much through the dark of her room. Just like before, Risette pulled me through to their dream:</p><p>
  <em>Down an indigo hotel hallway, I found Kanji and Rise walking together, their backs to me. I followed after them. We felt older for some reason—at least twenty-two. I couldn't pinpoint how or why. Music blasted from the closed rooms we passed; sounds of partying and laughing; crazed sex and entertainment. Rise stopped, saying something I couldn't hear. Kanji grabbed her arm and roughly pulled her along. He had that same professional camera hanging around his neck. I ran over to them, trying to free Rise from him. My hand passed right through their bodies. Risette appeared above, sitting upside-down on the ceiling. She shook her finger at me, scolding, as if to tell me to wait. I had to watch this happen.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kanji unlocked one of the hotel rooms. He shoved Rise inside and slammed the door shut. I passed through the wood, through to the dark blue of the suite. As I entered, I caught a glimpse of Rise desperately running to the bathroom. She locked herself in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Angrily, Kanji rattled the doorknob. "Get outta there!" he snarled. "We've got business soon!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rise sniffled, muffling her sobs. "I don't want to do this!" she cried. "It isn't worth it! You said you'd take care of me… You promised to make me famous. I shouldn't have listened to you. I shouldn't have believed you! You manipulated me!"</em>
</p><p>"<em>Welcome to the real world, Rise!" yelled Kanji. "These are head-honchos coming to see you! Big producers, collaborators: the who's who of showbiz! You wanna make it big in the US? Then you gotta be prepared to let 'em have a piece of you. I told you this shit already!" He pushed himself off from the door, scoffing. "You said you were prepared to do whatever it takes to be a star. It's make it or break it time. Clean your damn face and get out here, or you'll never be famous. No one gives a shit about a girl who's </em>too good<em> to open her legs when it counts."</em></p><p>
  <em>I thought Rise would have refused to leave the bathroom. She gave in and unlocked the door. Kanji grimaced at her, dragging her along to the bedroom area. He rummaged through the closet and threw a red bustier top at her. Through the drawers—he tossed a thong and a pair of dark stockings in her direction. The floor of the closet—he picked out a pair of black patent leather stiletto boots. Rise stood in the middle of the room, looking terrified. Kanji stomped over to her and tore her shirt off, not caring at all how loudly she screamed.</em>
</p><p>"<em>Get changed, damnit!" he ordered, leaving to the sitting room.</em></p><p>
  <em>Trembling, sniffling, Rise did as she was told. In the other room, Kanji turned the music on—one of Rise's songs that I hadn't heard before. The song felt brand new, one Rise was in the middle of working on for her mixtape in real life. Soon the suite was full of people: music moguls and executives—men in business casual wear, women in tight dresses and high heels. I found myself wearing an all-black suit all of a sudden. I looked around and spotted Rise in the sitting area, dancing on someone's wife in a red dress. The people around her drank and exchanged drugs. Those people…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yosuke, Chie, Yukiko, Yu, Kanji, Naoki Konishi, Ai Ebihara, and a bunch of others from Yaso High.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That someone's wife—was Yu's wife, Yukiko, studying Rise's every move against her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was about to pass out.</em>
</p><p>"<em>This is a great plan, Tatsumi!" praised Yu. "Risette can play up the girl-on-girl angle for the audience. It's still a little taboo, but it's in right now. At the end of the day, the ones buying her music need to know she'll open up for whichever guy comes along. She'll sell millions of records!"</em></p><p>
  <em>Kanji grinned, raising his beer bottle. "Hell yeah!" he said. "That's definitely what I had in mind!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yosuke had his arm around Chie—she didn't look too happy to be there. "All you need now is a girl for her to show off," he suggested. "Someone guys can see themselves as. You know, a little self-insertion, those kinda fantasies. She can't be too feminine but it's gotta be obvious that she's only a female. Got anyone in mind, gentlemen?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Naoki spotted me. "Hey, Naoto-kun!" he greeted, waving me over. "Just the lesbian we need!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rise turned around and saw me. She moved away from Yukiko, over in my direction. The group she was with catcalled and whistled at us; Rise grabbed my hand, leading me away from them, in a corner next to the blasting stereo. She pulled me against her, her back to the wall, breaths heavy as she stared at me. Tentatively, Rise smoothed her hands down my suit, the collar of my shirt, the knot of my tie, settling her touch over my shoulders. I felt everyone's eyes on the back of my head. She wasn't comfortable speaking yet—not with everyone watching us like this.</em>
</p><p>"<em>Sorry, could you make the music louder?" asked Rise, voice sultry, eyes pleading.</em></p><p>
  <em>I reached over to the stereo and turned up the volume. Every part of me needed to get her out of this place—or make her wake up. I couldn't move. I couldn't say anything unless she dreamed it first.</em>
</p><p>"<em>I need your help," she said. "This is all a big mess… I don't know who to trust, where to turn."</em></p><p>"<em>What do you need me to do?" I asked.</em></p><p>"<em>Stay with me… Please stay with me, Naoto. If this is too much for you to handle, then I need to know that you'll always want me. That if I come to you, you'll lose control and take me all night…before you go back to hating me again. Fuck me with your hatred—talk dirty to me, tell me I'm a desperate fame whore, that I'm </em>your <em>whore. Say whatever you want to me and I'll get off. I don't care. I need you…"</em></p><p>Blaring from Rise's alarm pulled us out of the dream. Through the screen, I watched her shut her alarm off. Rise buried her face in her pillow, groaning, sounding aroused. She turned over on her stomach, arching up; reaching between her legs, touching herself. I clawed at the bend of my seat, wishing I could have been there to take her myself. This craving overwhelmed me. Rise finished quickly, cursing and crying my name into her pillow. I was light-headed, breathless. She caught her breath, steadily slinking back down to her sheets. On her nightstand sat a can of that energy drink she loved. Rise drank some of it. Then she bolted up, reaching for her phone. She stopped and looked at her hand. It was soaking wet. She sucked her fingers, using her left hand to slowly text me instead:</p><p>"<em>Jumping in the shower and then I'll be ready. Had a dream that turned me on. You're on my mind xx …"</em></p><p>I turned the screen off. It took me a moment to remember where I was. If I watched her take a shower, I wouldn't have been able to keep myself together that night. I hadn't been able to watch her dreams consistently. Rise wasn't sleeping regularly. Those energy drinks kept her awake. She was addicted to them, likely to keep from falling asleep, to keep from having these disturbing dreams. She was deeply troubled by these burdens that society had placed on her as a woman…the same burdens I had tried to avoid by pretending to be a man once upon a time. Rise lived out my worst nightmares each time she fell asleep. I should have been scared of that. I wasn't…</p><p>All I wanted was to be there for her; to show her that I didn't judge her, no matter what.</p><p>I took Rise's roses with me and left my car. I walked down the shopping district toward her family's shop. Rise probably needed a few more minutes to get dressed. I thought about visiting the shrine down the way first. I passed by Tatsumi Textiles, spotting Kanji outside speaking with his mother. Kanji's mother wore her worker's yukata, looking troubled as she argued with her son. He had on a black short-sleeved jacket, hood drawn over his blond head, a lightning and skull shirt and dark jeans. I had to remind myself that this wasn't the same Kanji from Rise's dream. Why did she keep dreaming about him like that, as an abusive person in a position of power over her…? Kanji couldn't have been a suspect. He only started hating her after her photographs had been leaked.</p><p>"C'mon, Ma!" said Kanji, impatient. "I'm not going out to screw around this time! My friends are gonna be with me, I swear!"</p><p>Kanji's mother sighed. "You say that every time," she countered. "How am I supposed to believe you?"</p><p>"Rise-chan invited me. I'm not playing around! What's the big deal, anyway?"</p><p>"You're my son. I worry about you when you're out on the streets. I don't want you to get involved with the wrong crowd again. You promised me you'd stay out of trouble."</p><p>"I <em>am</em> staying out of trouble! You don't know shit about me, you old hag!"</p><p>"Don't speak to your mother that way! I raised you better than this…"</p><p>I decided to intervene. "Good evening, Tatsumi-san," I said, bowing to her. "Kanji-kun."</p><p>Kanji's face reddened. "Yo, Naoto-kun," he mumbled. He noticed the roses. "…those for Rise?"</p><p>"They are," I answered. "Are you coming with us tonight?"</p><p>"Yeah, as soon as <em>she</em> lets me."</p><p>Kanji's mother bowed her head to me. "Oh, Naoto, what a relief!" she said. "If he's with you, then of course I'll let him go out. I know I can trust you to be responsible. Please keep an eye on my son."</p><p>"I will," I replied, smiling politely.</p><p>Kanji watched his mother retreat inside their shop. "Thanks for that," he said quietly. "Guess I skipped out without telling her too many times. I shouldn't have yelled at her. I just get pissed off when my own mother won't believe what I'm saying."</p><p>"You should apologize to her," I suggested.</p><p>"I know. I will when I get back." Kanji looked around awkwardly, unsure of where to keep his hands—in his pockets, behind his head, arms folded or not. "I like your outfit. You look like a classy guy with your hair slicked back that way, but—I'm not calling you a man or, or anything…" He cringed when I didn't say anything back. "You, uh, wanna head to the shrine? Rise's probably gonna be another fifteen minutes. She texted me right before you found us. I've been meaning to go pray for a while now."</p><p>Kanji and I walked down the road to the Tatsuhime Shine nearby. Red painted wood, traditional architecture; pure spiritual energy flowing between the dirt paths and the pine trees rustling in the summer breeze. There was a calmness to this place that I enjoyed. While Kanji prayed in front of the offering box, I went to go draw a fortune. I unrolled the paper <em>omikuji </em>with a sense of dread:</p><p>半凶 - <em>Half-curse</em></p><p>
  <em>Romantic relationships<br/>Disputes</em>
</p><p>Despite the bad fortune, I felt that my relationship with Rise could become stronger soon…</p><p>Per custom, I tied the <em>omikuji </em>to the nearest pine tree. Hopefully my bad luck would sit and wait on the tree instead of following me. It was all superstition, but just this once, I hoped it would come true.</p><p>Yosuke and Chie were outside Marukyu Tofu, waiting for us. Rise had yet to come downstairs. I had her bouquet hidden behind my back.</p><p>"Hey, you two!" greeted Chie.</p><p>"Tonight's gonna be sweet!" said Yosuke. "Naoki-kun's parents are out of town, and we'll have full access to their alcohol stash!"</p><p>"Alcohol?" I repeated.</p><p>"Yeah, didn't Rise-chan tell you?" asked Chie.</p><p>"No…all she said was that there would be presents at the party."</p><p>Yosuke snorted, laughing. "Presents, huh?"</p><p>"Party favors," droned Kanji. I hadn't heard of those before. "C'mon, Naoto. You were a detective. <em>Party favors! </em>You know, like, drugs and stuff. Guess you've never been to a real high school party before. We're not gonna force you to do anything you don't wanna do. Just…don't be surprised if people are wasted by the time we get there."</p><p>No wonder Yukiko said she wasn't joining us.</p><p>"And do the three of you plan on indulging in these <em>favors?</em>" I asked.</p><p>"Nah," said Chie, waving her hand. "Yukiko would kill me if she found out I did anything like that."</p><p>"Same here, but with my parents," answered Yosuke. "Besides, my dad's the manager at Junes. Random drug tests are part of the job there. I can't get busted or else I'm screwed. I might have a drink or two."</p><p>Kanji shrugged. "It's more fun to watch everyone else do stupid shit, anyway," he admitted.</p><p>Rise hurried out of the shop. "Sorry I'm late!" she said. "I wasn't sure if it'd rain again or not. I ended up changing my clothes a few times." She had on a white hoodie, a dark skirt and a pair of unusual vintage sneakers that ran up to her knees like boots. Rise smiled at me. "Don't I look great in this?"</p><p>"Yes, you do," I answered smoothly. I pulled the roses from behind my back. "These are for you."</p><p>The street lamps brightened the lovely blush on Rise's face. "Aww, thank you, baby…they're so pretty!" she said, taking them in her arms. She smelled them, sighing serenely. "What's the occasion?"</p><p>"Just to make you smile. That's enough of an occasion for anything."</p><p>And to make up for earlier…and to help her feel better after that mostly bad dream.</p><p>Rise found that understanding in my eyes. An unknowable part of her saw her dream reflected here in me. She saw that I didn't judge her; that I loved her wickedness, because it was part of her. She blushed again and kissed me. While she went back inside to put the roses in some water, our friends couldn't wait to chime in.</p><p>Chie nudged me. "Who knew Naoto-kun was such a softie?" she teased. "That was super sweet."</p><p>Yosuke had stars in his eyes. "Could it be…true love? The charming Detective Prince sweeps her beautiful Risette off her feet with a romantic bouquet of roses… No but seriously, I didn't see that coming! I thought there <em>was</em> some kinda occasion we didn't know about. I mean, who gives someone flowers out of the blue like that?"</p><p>I frowned, looking away from them. "This is why you've never had a girlfriend, Yosuke-senpai. You have no idea what it means to treat a girl well, let alone ask one out the right way."</p><p>"Huh…maybe you're right," he agreed. "At least I'm not jealous like <em>someone </em>over here!"</p><p>"Fuck off, man," warned Kanji. "I'm not in the mood."</p><p>"When are you ever?" asked Chie.</p><p>"When I wanna smack a punk for stepping out of line with me, that's when."</p><p>Yosuke laughed anxiously. "You're a scary guy, Kanji… I thought you were done overcompensating with your manliness? Can't you chill out for once?"</p><p>"Leave me the hell alone with this jealousy shit and I'll be your best damn <em>bro</em>. I don't need you rubbing it in my face. It hurts enough as it is."</p><p>I hadn't expected Kanji to say something that sincere.</p><p>Yosuke sighed, looking guilty. "All right, all right…I get your point," he relented. "Sorry."</p><p>"Whatever."</p><p>Rise came back outside, all smiles as she held my hand. The five of us walked together to Naoki's neighborhood on the other side of the Samegawa Flood Plain. During the twenty minute stroll, Rise, Chie and Yosuke talked about plans for the summer break in a few days. They mentioned returning to the beach, since they had gone last year. I wasn't with them at the time. Rise insisted that she needed to work on her mixtape as much as possible over the break. Kanji was unusually silent; Chie asked him about his plans for the summer. He gave a vague answer about saunas and sex and forgetting his problems. Of course, Yosuke freaked out. Chie wasn't having any of it and told him off. Rise was quietly amused by the whole thing. I had to wonder exactly <em>why </em>she was entertained, though.</p><p>When we arrived to Naoki's neighborhood, it was obvious which house was his. The blasting music brought me back to Rise's dream again. Dozens of Yaso students walked along the block up to the driveway. Others hung around on the front lawn, pushing at each other, teasing and laughing. The moment we stepped inside the front door, the dull smell of drugs rushed through me, followed by the stench of cheap beer. People upon people upon people took up every inch of space in the house, in the halls. I couldn't hear myself think with this loud music. I had the worst feeling all of a sudden. We really weren't supposed to be here.</p><p>Why hadn't I refused to come along once I found out about the drugs and drinking? The idea didn't cross my mind at the time. That on top of the ridiculousness going on around us pissed me off. I had to get out of here.</p><p>Naoki found us in the living room. "You made it!" he said, raising his cup.</p><p>Rise hugged him. "Naoki-kun, hey!"</p><p>"You're lucky your folks are gone!" said Yosuke. "This party's the best!"</p><p>"I know, right?" replied Naoki. "Stay as long as you want, yeah? The cooler's in the kitchen! Raid the refrigerator if you just want a soda or something!"</p><p>Yosuke and Chie went to dance in the middle of the room. Kanji hovered by the wall, arms folded. I felt his eyes on me; I felt my temper rising. This wasn't good. If I didn't leave soon, I had no idea what I'd do. But I couldn't go anywhere without Rise. If I left her alone and something happened to her… I pulled at her hand, gesturing for us to leave.</p><p>Rise stared at me in shock. "What, why?!" she asked over the music. "We just got here! Come on, let's dance!"</p><p>I spoke in her ear to keep from having to raise my voice: "I'm not dancing with you, Rise. Not here."</p><p>"Why not…?"</p><p>"I have a bad feeling about this. We need to leave."</p><p>Rise had me sit down in the nearest chair. She straddled me, kissing my neck; taking me back to our time in my car for but a moment. That dissolved to irritation once I realized Rise didn't want to listen to me. She wasn't outside when Kanji had promised they wouldn't pressure me into anything I didn't want to do. Still, she should have known better. I was already torn as it was. A small part of me wanted to stay for her sake, to make her happy. I would never forget that semi-conversation I had with Risette, about how I needed to stop being a prude. If Rise got bored of me, I was afraid she might have wanted to break up. But…I couldn't let that blind my instincts. This was bad—end of story.</p><p>"People are talking about us," she whispered in my ear. "They're staring. I love this. It makes me feel like I'm really your girlfriend when we're in everyone's conversations."</p><p>"Rise, we need to leave," I said.</p><p>"<em>Why?"</em></p><p>"This party is out of control! What if Naoki-kun's neighbors complain?"</p><p>"I have way too much energy to leave now!"</p><p>It took everything in me to not scold her over drinking too many of those energy things. Rise couldn't know that I knew about this addictive habit of hers.</p><p>Kanji hovered over us. "Bad news," he announced. "Some old lady outside's yammering about the noise. She says she's gonna call the police. Looks serious. The cops'll be here in two seconds once they hear it's a high school party with drugs and alcohol."</p><p>"You've been in this situation before?" I asked.</p><p>"You could say that, yeah. Almost got arrested for it."</p><p>"Rise!" I said. She wasn't listening to me. "Damnit, we have to leave! I'm not fooling around!" I grabbed her waist and slung her over my shoulder. Rise screamed in a fit of giggles, not taking this seriously at all. I was <em>beyond livid</em> with her. "Kanji-kun, find Chie-senpai and Yosuke-senpai. We'll wait for you outside."</p><p>"Will do," said Kanji, disappearing through the crowd.</p><p>I took Rise outside. I had to hold her around her waist and her legs to keep her in place. She wouldn't stop laughing. By the time Kanji, Yosuke and Chie found us, Rise was out of breath from giggling so much. Chie, Kanji and Yosuke had no idea Rise was ticklish here; Yosuke laughed at her laughing, refusing to see how serious this was. I made sure we got away from the area—just before the police arrived. The stringent sounds of those sirens reminded me of how I could've gotten arrested, ruining whatever slim chances I had of returning to my work. I already had to deal with this sexism, homophobia and ageism. Getting arrested would have destroyed everything I'd worked for since I was a child, when I used to help my grandfather with his cases…back when he remembered me.</p><p>On top of that, I hated that my clothes smelled like the party. It made me sick.</p><p>Yosuke laughed at the police cars down the block. "Naoto-kun, you saved us!" he said. "Can I elect you as our new leader? Yu-kun has forfeited his position!"</p><p>"It was me who noticed the old lady, you dumbass," grumbled Kanji.</p><p>"Yeah, but Naoto gave the order to retreat! I hereby promote her to the position of Investigation Team Leader!"</p><p>Chie frowned. "Yosuke, we almost got arrested!" she argued. "It's not a video game where you get to start everything over. This is serious! Why are you making a big joke about it?"</p><p>Rise cracked up again, slurring her words between laughter. I had no idea why that pissed me off more.</p><p>We left for an incense, candle and spirituality shop a few blocks away. I finally set Rise down and went off by myself to an empty corner of the store. I stayed near a burning stick of lavender incense, calming down. Times like these made me wonder what the hell I saw in Rise to begin with. Intellectually and ideologically, fine, we had many things in common. She and I weren't remotely concerned about the same things. She wanted to have fun by basking in drama and attention; I was focused on tackling my issues head-on, at the risk of isolating myself from others…putting up a wall, as she'd said. I knew that the stress from my living situation, or lack thereof, had my temper running high right now. But still…</p><p>Whenever Rise and I agreed, we became the same person. Whenever we disagreed, openly or not, it was as if we were on completely different planets, speaking foreign languages to each other.</p><p>When it came to sex, or anything physical between us, we agreed every time. <em>Agreeing </em>felt like too weak of a word to use. I wasn't myself anymore whenever Rise was underneath me, over me, beside me. I was whatever she needed me to be. It happened every time. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop wanting it. Even now while I was angry with her, I couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful she sounded earlier.</p><p>I thought back to my fortune from earlier. <em>Half-curse</em> was right.</p><p>Rise turned the corner, finding me here. She looked worried. "There you are…what's the matter?" she asked, cautious. "Naoto… Did we make you mad? Kanji said they told you what kind of party it was." She already knew that I was angry she wouldn't listen to me, not that we went in the first place. Rise stood in front of me, visibly afraid of my silence. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I didn't realize how serious it was. And…you already know why I couldn't stop laughing."</p><p>"It's fine," I said, not wanting to talk about it.</p><p>Uncertain, Rise stared down at our feet. She changed the subject. "I thought about visiting America over the summer," she went on. "My manager thinks it'd be a good idea. I could see what Hollywood's like in person. There are a bunch of music studios in Los Angeles. I was thinking…maybe you could come with me."</p><p>"How would we get around? Where would we stay?"</p><p>"We could live the starving artist life? Saving money for meals, walking everywhere, finding whatever hotel we could afford to stay in. Wouldn't it be fun?"</p><p>That sounded too similar to what I had to deal with now. "There's nothing glamorous about that life, Rise," I soured. "Don't romanticize it like they do in the movies."</p><p>"I'm not saying it's glamorous," she argued. "I've wanted to try it, that's all."</p><p>"And I'm saying you should rethink that."</p><p>Someone sent me a text message. It was from Dojima. He wanted to know if I was in the area—if I could go check on Nanako before she went to bed. He had to work very late and couldn't get home in time to tuck her in. I told him that I would stop by and wait with Nanako until he got back. I only agreed for Nanako's sake, not his. Not only did Dojima take all the credit for my accomplishments earlier in the year, but now he wanted me to be a nanny for his daughter. I wanted to <em>scream </em>so badly.</p><p>"Where are you going?" asked Rise, stopping me. "Are you just going to leave me here?"</p><p>"You can come if you want," I said, leaving the shop.</p><p>Rise gripped my hand, trying and failing to stop me again. "What's your problem? I said I was sorry!"</p><p>"Your apology won't make my mood magically go away in an instant. I'll get over it soon enough."</p><p>"How will you get over it? If saying sorry isn't enough, what is? What else do I have to do?"</p><p>People passing us by on the street clearly did their best to ignore us. "There's nothing <em>you </em>have to do," I replied. "This isn't about you anymore. I need my space to deal with my own problems. If you can't accept that, it's out of my control. You already know this is how I am."</p><p>"But what other problems do you have, other than almost getting arrested a few minutes ago? Or your grandfather being sick? Is there something you're not telling me?"</p><p>I didn't say anything. I couldn't lie to her face like this. Even though saying nothing was just as bad.</p><p>She walked with me all the way to Dojima's house, holding my hand as always. Somewhere along the way, Rise sent a text to the others, letting them know we had left the incense shop together. She was more thoughtful than I was when it came to our friends. I wouldn't have remembered to text them.</p><p>I knocked on the door to the Dojima residence.</p><p>"Who is it?" sounded Nanako's voice on the other side.</p><p>Rise spoke up. "It's Rise and Naoto," she said, sounding cheerful for Nanako's sake. "We're here to check up on you!"</p><p>Nanako deactivated the alarm system. She opened the door, welcoming us brightly. I had no idea what I would've said to her if Rise wasn't with me. I was glad that Rise had been stubborn enough to stay by my side. While the two of us took our shoes off, Nanako dialed her father's number on the house phone. She put it on speaker once he picked up.</p><p>"<em>Hey there, Nanako," </em>said Dojima. <em>"I'll be here until after midnight… Sorry. Is Naoto there yet?"</em></p><p>"Yes, she's here with Rise-chan!" replied Nanako.</p><p>"Hi, Dojima-san!" greeted Rise.</p><p>"I'm here," I said.</p><p>"<em>Thanks, you two. I appreciate it. I wish I'd cleaned out my nephew's old room upstairs. There's a bunch of junk up there. If you get tired, pull out the couch and it'll turn into a bed. I'll try not to wake you up when I get back. Just, uh…don't make too much noise. Turn a video game on if you need to."</em></p><p>Nanako frowned, confused. "How will they make noise if they're supposed to be sleeping?" she asked.</p><p>Dojima went silent on his end. Rise laughed, despite her best efforts. Poor Nanako didn't understand.</p><p>"<em>Err, anyway," </em>continued Dojima, clearing his throat. <em>"There's plenty of food in the fridge if you're hungry. If you fall asleep, I'll see you in the morning. Call or text me if there's an emergency."</em></p><p>Rise went to help Nanako draw a bath before bed. I pulled out the couch, knowing full well I'd fall asleep soon enough. I hadn't slept in a bed since Rise and I stayed at the Amagi Inn…almost two months ago. I lay down, staring at the living room. These tatami mats reminded me of that suite—learning Rise's body in the late of night. The low table in the center of the mats…Rise had eaten meals there with Yu before, when she would come to visit him last year. The small fan on the floor blew cool air through the room. The sliding glass doors acted as picture windows showcasing the starry summer night. And the TV in the corner was decorated by my video games.</p><p>I saw Risette there through the screen, watching me with a mischievous smile.</p><p>Once Nanako was in the bath, Rise came back outside, closing the door behind her. She didn't say anything to me—she went right to the kitchen, making something to eat. I was the one who had been in a terrible mood and didn't want to talk. Now that she wasn't saying anything, I was nervous. Not <em>just </em>nervous. I had a dull ache in my stomach, in my chest. Like I couldn't breathe unless I knew she didn't resent me for what happened. With anyone else, it would have been so easy to stay angry and not care about how they felt. I had burned too many bridges this way.</p><p>Rise brought two bowls of rice with her to the table. "I know it's not much," she said. "Rice is always a safe option. There's nothing spicy in it. Not this time." I didn't expect her to make anything for me. She set the bowls down, going back to the kitchen. "If you're not going to eat with me, I'll put yours away." Her apparent nonchalance made me sit down at the table, legs crossed. Rise brought two cups of warm tea and sat across from me, in <em>seiza </em>instead. That smell… "They have lots of oolong tea. It's your favorite, right?"</p><p>I had been about to make a cup of oolong tea right before my grandfather had found me that night.</p><p>"…how very kind," I said, staring down at the cup.</p><p>"Are you surprised I remembered?" wondered Rise. "You shouldn't be. I told you I have a good memory, especially when it comes to you. I don't forget anything."</p><p>"It's quite thoughtful of you," I replied, unsure of what else to say. "Thank you for the food."</p><p>My throat was in stitches from trying not to cry. I couldn't look her in the eye.</p><p>We ate in silence. Rise was more attentive than usual, watching my every move. I felt vulnerable, exposed under her stare. I sensed her preparing her words very carefully. Her emotional wit outmatched mine in every way. She knew exactly what she was doing to me right now.</p><p>"Naoto," she said at last. "Back in the incense shop, when you said I shouldn't glamorize that starving artist life…it sounded like you could relate. Like you took my words personally. Is that what happened? Is that why you got mad at me again?" I couldn't tell her the truth. I couldn't do it. "On my birthday, when we were on that crazy car chase, I tried to use my Persona like Chie-senpai suggested. I wasn't able to actually summon Himiko, but it gave me a better idea of where everything is. I can find random people and places that I couldn't before. That's how I knew that Naoki-kun's neighborhood wasn't all that safe. And I can tell you for sure that he was arrested. He's at the police station now."</p><p>Rise was about to ruin me. She saw how badly I was shaking. That didn't stop her—</p><p>"So, the other night, I got curious. I really missed you. I wanted to know where you were. I checked and saw that you were in your car. This was at like one in the morning… I thought maybe I was wrong or something. I checked again when I woke up. You were in the same place… Every time I look for you, you're in your car…not at home. Is Himiko messing with my head, or are you…living in your car?"</p><p>My pride wouldn't let me say <em>yes. </em>In a roundabout way of confirming her fears, I explained what had happened that night with my grandfather. I made sure to emphasize that he had mistaken me for a boy, for a thief…that it wasn't his fault. I told her that this was why I drove my car everywhere. I pointed out that I didn't want her to worry, and that was why I hadn't said anything before; that I knew she would have asked me to stay with her; that I wasn't ready for all of that back then; that I was so used to being on my own, without a family, having to take care of myself, not knowing how to accept someone else's love, and that was why I blew hot and cold all the time…and that I was emotional over her remembering to make this oolong tea for me because it reminded me of the incident.</p><p>Rise took everything in, staring down at her empty cup of tea. The tears slipped down her face, mixing in with the last dregs of tea at the bottom of her cup. She pressed her trembling hands over her mouth, suffocating her sobs. Before I could say anything, Rise ran upstairs to Yu's old room and shut the door. I couldn't pretend like I was unaffected by what happened. I made her cry by not saying anything, not trusting her. I felt like a failure again, useless again. I should have gone to her. I had no idea if she wanted to be around me. Since she ran away, I assumed she didn't want anything to do with me right now…</p><p>I took our dishes to the kitchen and washed them by hand. The silence downstairs nearly killed me. I could barely hear the sounds of splashing water coming from Nanako's bath in her room. I turned the lights off. I turned the TV on, and then my PS3. I didn't want to play anything. Not after what happened. My <em>L.A. Noire </em>disc was still in the console. I hovered over the disc on the XMB—the TV screen showed the game's logo, with the main detective character and a picture of 1940s Los Angeles in the background. The volume was all the way down. I was about to turn it up until I heard Rise coming back downstairs. She had a blanket and pillow in one arm, an acoustic guitar in her other hand.</p><p>By the light of the TV alone, I saw the redness in her eyes. Rise tossed the blanket and pillow over the pull-out bed. "Lie down," she said to me. I did as I was told, curious about the guitar. "I bought it for Senpai's birthday in November. He said he wanted one, but he never used it. He left it here."</p><p>Rise straddled me for the third time that day. She took off her hoodie, using her shirt to dry her face. While she tuned the guitar, she kept her eyes to mine as much as she could. The TV screen lit her back, shadowing her face to match her mood. Still I saw the glinting hope in her eyes: hope that she wasn't falling for the wrong person again.</p><p>"Rise, I'm sorry—"</p><p>She placed her lithe fingertips over my lips, silencing me, and went back to tuning the guitar.</p><p>When she was done, I saw bouts of anxiety pass through her. Rise stared down at the instrument in her hands, thinking, remembering. She used her long nails to pluck the strings, as if searching for a song. Once she found one, Rise stopped to stare at me. Our memories together passed through her gaze. Her feelings, her perspective, her experiences—I saw them in this intensity she gave me. She offered them to me again with her singing voice alongside the sounds of her playing the guitar. I remembered this melody—it was the same one she had been humming to me, to herself, since we started dating.</p><p>Just three lines of her heavenly singing, repeated a few times between ad libs, were enough to get to me.</p><p>Rise gave me her heart through her undeniable talent. This was what she'd been trying to tell me all along. How I made her feel, the pain I put her through, unknowingly, in being as closed-off as I was, and yet giving myself to her completely whenever we touched. Hearing it in her voice—how in love she was with me, without saying the words, and how torn she was, without crying again—she heated my face, my neck, down to my chest, to my core, soaring in place. I felt like this every time I listened to her songs. But watching her sing to me in person was such a different experience…much more emotional. She was impossibly beautiful to me.</p><p>Once she stopped singing, I stopped breathing, just to keep this air in my lungs that had traces of her voice in it, holding it inside.</p><p>Rise set the guitar aside. She leaned down and held my face in her hands trembling with nerves. I watched her eyes dart back and forth, searching mine. "Is it that hard to let me love you?" she asked softly. "You've been on your own for so long… Are you afraid of losing me?"</p><p>"…I don't know," I said.</p><p>"I think you like that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I admire you because you tend to keep your feelings inside. We're total opposites sometimes… You should know that I want to take care of you. Will you let me? Your pride needs to stop getting in the way."</p><p>Before I could answer, Nanako shuffled toward us. By the gentle smile on her face, I knew she heard Rise's song. She might have watched her sing it to me without either of us noticing. "Rise-chan, could you read me a bedtime story?" she asked.</p><p>Rise beamed at her. "Sure, I'll be right there!" she said. Nanako waved goodnight to me.</p><p>While they were in the other room, I went to turn the volume up on the TV. <em>L.A. Noire's </em>XMB theme was a thoughtful, poignant piano song that I'd loved since last year. It was barely loud enough to mask the sounds of our conversation. Or anything more, if that was what Rise wanted. I knew that I had to be honest with her. I shouldn't have lied by omission in saying nothing about my living situation. I shouldn't have made her cry. I shouldn't have sent her running from me. I went to lie back down, turning away from the TV, from Nanako's room across the way. Thinking about everything that had happened that day made my eyes and throat sting with emotions I couldn't understand.</p><p>When it came to emotions, Rise was in her element. That was why I couldn't resist her…why I felt my face heating up again when I remembered the sex we had in my car during the thunderstorm. It hadn't <em>just </em>been sex with her. Not like with the people in my past.</p><p>I was afraid to tell her that, in case I stumbled on my words.</p><p>I <em>was</em> terrified of getting attached to her. Getting attached, only to lose her eventually: to life, to death, to someone else. It was inevitable. Like my shadow had said last year, I had no idea how to handle life's duplicitous nature. I was but a cowardly child who acted as if my intelligence and skills could make up for my weaknesses. I had once resigned myself to being alone with my work. I'd lost my opportunities to hatred and lies, only to find an honest truth here in Rise's feelings for me. She sensed my distance and she stayed with me anyway, knowing that I couldn't help it. She knew me. She accepted me. Because of that…</p><p>I loved her far more than I could handle. I was in love with Rise…and I didn't know what to do.</p><p>Even if I wanted to run from her, I couldn't. I had forgotten how. My legs wouldn't work unless I moved for her, toward her.</p><p>When Rise came back, she covered us both with the blanket. She held my head close to her chest, asking about the song, the game. I told her as much as I could—that I once looked up to the game's protagonist, propping him up as an ideal detective. I had never felt her hold me like this before. No one had. Undying security resonated from her arms, her touch, and her lips over my hair. I was this close to accepting it completely. So close…I wondered if she knew.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Indigo Muse</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A few days later, during our last class before summer break, I sat at my desk, looking over some of Rise's lyrics for her English mixtape. As usual, everyone was in a chatty mood. They mostly talked about their plans for the break, and the news about a handful of our classmates getting arrested at Naoki's party the other night. Our district had done passably well on our final exams. Yasogami High wouldn't shut down. Our teachers expected these disruptive class sessions to be done with by the time we returned in September after summer break. A part of me missed these non-classes already. They were fun, in a way.</p><p>Rise sat on my lap, her arms wrapped around my neck while she spoke with Kanji, as well as Chie, Yosuke and Yukiko who had come down from their class on the third floor. I had the paper with her lyrics angled over my desk to see past her. Rise's mixtape was mostly finished. She had admitted to me a while ago that she wasn't the best writer, so she wanted me to help with the lyrics. She promised to give me songwriting credits. I was content to be part of the process with her.</p><p>Some of these songs were about me. She was too embarrassed to come right out and say it, but I knew.</p><p>Since that night she sang to me, we'd been staying with Nanako and sleeping on that same couch together. Rise had told me about her plans for her career. Now that the public had mostly stopped shaming her about those photographs, she wanted to get back into the spotlight. With all the controversy surrounding her, she wanted her comeback to reflect that. Rise already had a solid fan base here in Japan, and a blossoming one worldwide; she had more freedom with her career than most idols did. First thing tomorrow morning, she would take the train to Tokyo to see her manager, perform at a few venues, and promote her return to showbiz. That short discussion we'd had about Los Angeles convinced Rise to go to Tokyo instead. She would be gone for at least three weeks, until the summer festival here in Inaba in late August. She didn't want me to go with her…Rise had said something about how she was out of practice performing for a live audience, and I would've made her too nervous to focus. While she was away, she wanted me to stay in her bedroom at Marukyu. She had told her family that my grandfather was ill, and she didn't want me to be by myself over the summer break. I was friendly with her family, but at the same time, I didn't want to have to see them every day.</p><p>Rise had already promised they would give me my space. I wasn't worried about that…I was conflicted about her leaving for three weeks. I wanted her to go, to chase after her dreams. But I missed her already. Feeling her body on me now while she smiled and laughed with our friends was difficult for me, knowing that by this time tomorrow, she would be in the big city.</p><p>The biggest surprise was that Kanji would be with her. Rise wanted him to be her personal bodyguard. I couldn't begin to guess as to her reasons for picking him. She promised to get him his certifications and whatever else he needed while they were in Tokyo together. I thought about using that to my advantage. Perhaps I could ask Kanji when would be the best time to visit. Yet it was terribly ironic. As far as I knew, he still hated her for being with me. So why did he agree to this job in the first place?</p><p>Right before the bell rang, the TV in the corner turned on by itself. That yellow background and that stylized handwriting:</p><p>"<em>You are on the correct path, my dear Detective Prince. Your instincts will lead you to solid answers within the coming weeks, so long as you adapt to any roadblocks in the near future. I will find you very soon to thank you in person for your discretion. I am quite hopeful that you will recognize me."</em></p><p>After school, I waited outside, under the covered walkway that shielded me from the summer rain. Rise, Kanji, Yosuke, Chie and Yukiko were across the way, taking pictures and joking around. I felt far-removed from everyone else. Almost as if I wasn't supposed to be here. Every part of me wanted to be in Tokyo with Rise, like there was something there for me. I fixed my gaze in the distance, listening to the rainfall. Something or someone appeared there, coming toward me. The person's silhouette looked undoubtedly feminine. Heels, dark stockings, a deep blue dress, ashen hair kept up in a classic style, piercing, inhuman yellow eyes, and an aura of esotericism and sophistication. I recognized her from somewhere…</p><p>"Hello again, Detective Prince," said the mysterious woman. "I must thank you as promised. This has been an intriguing foray into your friends' lives. You have not disappointed me."</p><p>"Aren't you…Miss Margaret? My friends and I met you at the entrance to Marie-san's Hollow Forest."</p><p>Margaret smiled. "Indeed—your memory is impeccable," she complimented. "Ever since your time in the forest, I have been most curious about your world… You and your friends knew that Marie was not <em>one of you, </em>yet you chose to save her. These exceptions in human behavior intrigue me. When I discovered this incident related to Miss Kujikawa, I could not help contacting you."</p><p>I checked to make sure no one else was around, asking, "Do you know exactly who's responsible for leaking Rise's photographs?"</p><p>"I do not know the culprit myself," replied Margaret. "Neither do you. Not yet. However, you have a powerful bond with the Lovers Arcana. That link will no doubt lead you to the perpetrator. You yourself have admitted your refusal to ask Miss Kujikawa any uncomfortable questions about her past. I believe it is in your best interest to continue on this path to the truth, as indirect as it may seem. Simply follow your instincts as you have done these past few months."</p><p>"You said you were curious about our world. But what do you stand to gain from helping me?"</p><p>"I am certain you have confronted a number of moral issues during your investigation. Based on my theories on the culprit's identity, I suspect you will face yet another ethical conundrum on your journey. I simply wish to spectate and learn which decisions you will make in the end. Again, I have my theories. It is more fulfilling to see the reality for what it is. That is what I hope to gain—a new perspective."</p><p>"Very well," I said. "I appreciate your honesty, Miss Margaret. Before you leave…is there anything else you can tell me? Anything that will aid my investigation? Perhaps one of your theories might help."</p><p>Margaret stared at me pensively. "I believe there may be more than one culprit," she revealed. "There is, of course, the mastermind, much like the detective Tohru Adachi many moons ago. This person is the one who orchestrated the photographs leaking concurrently with the security breach. I am not taking their contacts at the phone company into consideration. As far as I am concerned, they are irrelevant. And the second person—I have a feeling they were helpless in this situation. Sensing their powerlessness, they then allowed it to happen, despite their conscience telling them it was wrong."</p><p>"Powerless? If that's true, then what makes them guilty? And if they were truly helpless, how could they have <em>allowed </em>this to go on? Isn't that a contradiction?"</p><p>"There lies the beginnings of another moral issue," answered Margaret. "This second person is not so much a criminal as they are an opportunist. But, I have few substantive facts to support my claims. These are only my personal theories, as I have said. I should not fill your mind with my possible suspects in case they only mislead you in the end. You must discover the truth on your own."</p><p>Morals…ethics…opportunities… Was that the main crime here? A crime of immorality? Technically, there were no laws in Japan against child pornography…not yet. And, yes, <em>technically, </em>there was no crime here, simply ignoring the breach as Margaret mentioned. There was a mastermind and a second person…someone who should have stopped this controversy, yet they gave in and allowed it to happen. I didn't have it in me to piece these clues together. Not today. I was too emotional from Rise's plans to leave the next morning—I couldn't think this through like I normally would have.</p><p>"Worry not," said Margaret. "Should you discover sufficient clues for a lead without actively realizing it, this is when I shall open a portal to the other world. There you may explore the final knot where these many threads join together. Think of it as a reflection of your subconscious—at last piecing together the clues on an evidence board you cannot fully see." Rise and the others finally called me over to join them. "I must take my leave of you, my dear Detective Prince. Do what you feel is right, as always. And enjoy the rest of the show."</p><hr/><p>After hanging out with our friends through the night, Rise brought me back to Marukyu with her. All of the lights were off; her family was asleep in their rooms downstairs. She snuck me upstairs with her. They knew that I would be here. Rise had mentioned many times that her family was nosey. I didn't want to risk making things awkward during my first night here. As soon as Rise opened her bedroom door, a soft, clean smell reached me. It was distinctly Rise, with touches of her rose perfume. She turned the light on and locked the door behind me. Seeing her room in person instead of through my voyeuristic spying on her was quite the experience. The warm wood of the walls matched her dresser, her entertainment system around her huge TV and her bedframe. The bouquet of roses I bought for her a few days ago were in a vase full of water, sitting on one of her nightstands. Several posters of popular American female artists hung from the walls as her inspiration. The air conditioner circulated steadily through the building, keeping Rise's bedroom at the perfect temperature. Along the wall opposite her bed, I saw all of her music equipment—mixers, a keyboard, a microphone and more—like a mini-studio of her own. I didn't remember these indigo sheets and blankets over her bed. Were these new?</p><p>Rise took one of my bags from me. "I'll put your things away," she said, smiling gently. "Go ahead and take a shower."</p><p>"I need some of my clothes," I replied, following after her to the dresser.</p><p>"Can I pick them out?" she asked, impish.</p><p>"If you want."</p><p>Rise handed me one of my white tank tops and blue boxer briefs. "Just these," she allowed. She pulled out my soap and other items. "Mmm, are all your products for men? They're the same brand as your cologne. No wonder you always smell so nice." I took everything in the bathroom with me. "The dark blue towels are yours. Call if you need anything!"</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>I thought I would've been nervous, being in Rise's room for the first time; taking a shower in her bathroom. I wasn't for some reason. While I stared up at the running shower head, I mulled over my meeting with Margaret from earlier. Two possible culprits… One mastermind and one other party who stood to gain from the photographs leaking. Who could have possibly gained anything from Rise's nudes circulating the public? <em>What </em>could they have gained at all? The only thing I could think of was derision—someone who genuinely hated her and wanted to humiliate her. But that brought me right back to the likes of Yukiko, Chie and Ai Ebihara. Risette had already said that Yukiko and Ai were innocent. Not to mention, Margaret had said that I didn't know who the mastermind was. The second party—the opportunist—it was possible that I knew them.</p><p>Through the steam over the shower doors, my reflection appeared. She wrote me a note, backward, that I had to decipher like last time:</p><p>
  <em>You don't know her yet. Once you get to know her better, you'll have to decide what to do.</em>
</p><p>Who could it have been? When would I meet them, and how was I supposed to know it was them?</p><p>I wondered why I cared so much about finding out these answers. Rise obviously didn't need them. She was better off not knowing who was responsible for this, in case it only upset her again. I supposed it was because this was all I had. This was as close as I would get to having my job back. This was more for my sake than hers now…to calm my own curiosity. Deep in my heart, I knew this was important. Somehow. Like I <em>needed</em> to know. As if it would have a true impact on me. These were my instincts talking again. My same instincts that had gotten me virtually nowhere with this case.</p><p>The most I'd managed to do was spy on my friends and find out some of Rise's dirty secrets. Not that that wasn't valuable, but…</p><p>My frustration with this lack of progress put a dull dent in my skull. I wasn't getting anywhere beating my head against the wall like this. I wasn't entirely focused as it was. Rise was just in the other room… After the morning, she would be gone for three weeks. This was the last night we had together until then. Once I felt the low bass from Rise's slow, sensual music playing in her room, I got out of the shower. When I went back into Rise's room, I found her by her dresser again. Delicately, sentimentally, she set my bottles of cologne by her perfumes, lotions and jewelry. She had already divided her drawers and closet in half, fitting my clothes in with hers. Watching her do this for me put a strangely warm feeling in my chest. Rise had said that she wanted to take care of me. She meant it without a doubt.</p><p>When she noticed me behind her through the mirror, Rise blushed, eyes roaming. She turned to me, running her hands through my damp slicked-back hair, down to my shoulders. "You're everything to me, you know that?" she said. "I mean it literally, too." She wrapped her arms around me; I held her close. Rise shivered. "You give me the safety and protection that society tells me I should need in a man. You understand me in ways that no one else could. There is no Risette without you."</p><p>"Really?" I asked. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"I would've been too scared to go back into the spotlight if I didn't have you as my muse."</p><p>That made me smile. "I'm your muse, hm?"</p><p>Rise pulled away, marveling over my body again. "Yes, and you're <em>my</em> prince, too," she replied, easing me over to her bed. "Lie down and wait for me. We have to be up first thing in the morning to pick up Kanji and get to the train station. I want to make this night count…give you something to remember while I'm gone."</p><p>She turned off the lights and went to take a shower. I lay down underneath the blanket, breathing in Rise's pillow, wholly wrapped in the smell of her. I almost fell asleep in this warmth, listening to her music, and the sounds of the shower water in the adjacent bathroom. My phone charging on the nightstand vibrated with a message. Kanji sent me a text pointlessly asking if I was picking him up in the morning. We had already discussed this hours ago. This was just an excuse for him to talk to me.</p><p>"<em>Yes," </em>was all I wrote back with.</p><p>Kanji replied seconds later. <em>"You at Rise's place now?"</em></p><p>"<em>I'm in her bed waiting for her to get out of the shower."</em></p><p>He took a little longer to text back this time. <em>"Could I ask a personal question?"</em></p><p>"<em>Go ahead."</em></p><p>"<em>I know you're only into girls. I'm wondering what you see in Rise? Why do you like her? If I'm gonna be her bodyguard, then I wanna know these things."</em></p><p>"<em>You say that like you're protecting her for me," </em>I replied.</p><p>"<em>That's what I'm doing. So why do you like Rise?"</em></p><p>No wonder. <em>"Do you want the short answer or the long one?"</em></p><p>"<em>I want all of it."</em></p><p>Where to begin…? <em>"I like that Rise isn't like me. She's fun and outgoing and she speaks her mind. She's deeply compassionate, sincere and sentimental. My coldness doesn't make her hesitate to be herself around me. There's a lot more. It's only between her and me. I can't tell you everything."</em></p><p>"<em>Weird… I'm convinced you don't know her. That Rise sounds like a stranger to me."</em></p><p>I put my phone back on the nightstand. Of course that sounded like a stranger to him; he wasn't <em>dating</em> her. Kanji's opinion didn't matter to me. By the time Rise finished her shower, Kanji realized I wasn't going to reply to him. He sent another message. I read it while I switched my phone to silent.</p><p>"<em>I figured you'd run the other way once you found out about someone's flaws. You're harsh with me about mine. I guess if Rise's an exception, she's special…fine. Sorry I asked. See you in the morning."</em></p><p>I waited for Rise to come back in the room. I stared up at the dark ceiling, measuring how loud the music was—enough to let us speak in peace. I listened to the loud sounds of Rise blow drying her hair in the bathroom. Three whole weeks without seeing her… I felt like I had to do something, or say something to make up for the time. Thinking about it filled me with anxiety. I couldn't focus on any one thing to do or say. I had to follow Rise's lead with things like this. My anxiety shifted to fear the second I heard the bathroom door open. Steam from the shower poured through like mist, dissolving in the cool air of the bedroom.</p><p>I had never felt anything like this before. I hadn't cared this much about someone: making them happy, putting them before myself, my own concerns…</p><p>So many unknowns. They pulled me in different directions. But everything felt right—even this fear.</p><p>Rise walked over to the bed, wearing nothing except a towel. I stared at her, breath held, thoughts and fears stalled. "Come here, Naoto," she said quietly. I went to stand in front of her, unsure of whether to touch her or not. I <em>wanted</em> to touch her, to take this towel off of her. I didn't know if she wanted the same; if she felt comfortable enough. "You look nervous… Don't be. If I ask you something, promise you'll be completely honest with me?"</p><p>"Of course," I answered, breathless. The faint moonlight shining through her curtains made her bare shoulders glow, skin radiant in the night. The lightness of her eyes caught some of that afterglow, too.</p><p>"You've been watching my dreams, haven't you?"</p><p>How did she know…?</p><p>Rise laughed softly. "The look on your face tells me everything I need to know," she noticed. "I swear, sometimes, when I'm dreaming, I <em>feel you </em>deep in my mind. You must have seen some of my crazier ones. You haven't run away or called me sick. So…what's your secret?"</p><p>Margaret trusted me. And Rise figured this out on her own. I supposed there was no harm in being honest, as I'd promised. I found my calligraphy remote-pen and went to her TV on the other side of the room. Rise stayed at my side, watching, waiting. I decided to show her someone's program that I hadn't tuned into before, so that she could see the security questions, the whole process. Kanji seemed like a terrible choice. I didn't want to know what he did before falling asleep, or—worse—what he dreamed about. Chie, Yosuke or Yu…whose was bound to be the most interesting and convincing?</p><p>Channel 622—the yellow background appeared with Margaret's handwriting:</p><p>"<em>Yosuke Hanamura, born June 22nd, 1994, Cancer—what is his Arcana?"</em></p><p>Rise widened her eyes in surprise. "What's this?" she asked. I was curious as to how she could see this, yet no one else could. I remembered the TV in our classroom turning on by itself. She hadn't noticed it earlier today. Perhaps Margaret decided to allow it now that she and I trusted each other.</p><p>"<em>The Magician," </em>I wrote back. Fascinated, Rise poked the screen a few times.</p><p>"<em>Please make an educated guess as to what Yosuke Hanamura is presently doing."</em></p><p>That was easy. <em>"Reading fan-made hentai."</em></p><p>"<em>Unlimited access granted. Welcome, Detective Prince; Risette."</em></p><p>That was all the confirmation I needed. Margaret wanted Rise to know about these channels.</p><p>The large screen showed Yosuke in his room. He was in bed, reading hentai by the light next to him. He had a glassy look in his eyes as he read; his erection underneath his pajama pants spoke for itself. Rise covered her mouth with her hands, gasping in scandalized shock. When the camera panned to show exactly what Yosuke was reading, Rise squealed in terrified amusement. The white pages showed black and white drawings of 'Nyato' screwing 'Ryzette' silly. This Nyato had an uncanny resemblance to me, except she had a large, pulsing cock between her legs. Ryzette looked quite a lot like Rise, except her breasts were far too large, and she had a perpetual blush on her face in every frame. The manga spanned several pages, filled with Nyato fucking Ryzette from behind, fingering Ryzette underneath her skirt in the middle of class, sneaking in Ryzette's bedroom and waking her up to have sex, and a unique segment where Nyato received a blowjob from Ryzette's many different copies—an extension of Rise's different stage personas. If there was any way to fetishize a <em>futanari</em> version of me with Rise, it was here.</p><p>Rise gripped my arm, giggling. "Oh my God, does he <em>know </em>we're watching him?" she whispered. "He can't… No way…is he reaching inside his pants?! He's seriously jerking off!? He is! That's so gross!"</p><p>I turned the volume down. I really didn't want to hear Yosuke moaning. "I've been avoiding his channel for this same reason. I can't believe people have the nerve to blatantly draw these things about us."</p><p>"Have you been watching <em>me</em> get off to you?!" she asked, highly amused.</p><p>"…sometimes. When you're asleep, your shadow pulls me into your dreams instead."</p><p>Rise cracked up, tears streaming down her face. I thought she might've been angry with me if she found out. This was a pleasant, unexpected surprise. "All this time…I've been calling Yosuke-senpai a pervert," she said, weak from laughing so much. "It's you! <em>You're </em>the biggest perv in our group! No wonder you don't get freaked out by the things I like…" Right as Yosuke pulled his pants down, Rise buried her face against my shoulder. "Eww, turn it off, turn it off! I don't want to see this part!" I turned the TV off. She laughed again and sighed. "Seriously, it makes sense now. If you've been watching my dreams, then that means you're not scared of me. You've seen for yourself how messed up I am. That's…actually a relief."</p><p>"How were you able to tell?" I wondered.</p><p>"Himiko sensed you."</p><p>"Your Persona's finding out all my secrets."</p><p>"I like that she is," said Rise, smirking. She took my pen in her hands, looking it over. "What <em>are </em>these channels? Is it like the Midnight Channel? You should have told me! I want to spy on everyone, too!"</p><p>"Yes, they're similar enough," I answered. I hoped she wouldn't ask me <em>why </em>I watched these programs. "Since we can't go into the TV World anymore, this is what's left over. I've been trying to figure out if there's any overlap between our world and what's inside the television… Please don't tell anyone."</p><p>Rise set my pen aside. "Sounds like something you'd be interested in," she agreed. "This'll be our little secret, don't worry. But you know you're not allowed to spy on me while I'm in Tokyo! I'll be able to tell if you do… No going behind my back." She moved my hand to the fold of her towel over her breast. I fought to keep my hand still. "Tell me you'll be good… I need to hear you say it."</p><p>I let her back me over to the bed. "I'll behave."</p><p>With my legs against the side of the bed, Rise clutched my hand, making me undo her towel. If she let go, the towel would have slipped off of her body. "I know you're afraid of this, Naoto…these feelings between us. Maybe you're more scared than I am." I saw her pulse racing through her damp neck, faster than mine. "Tonight I want you to love me with all your fears. I want you to do it every night once I'm back. Tell me you adore me."</p><p>Her sincerity had me practically on my knees on the floor. "I'll be whatever you need, Rise," I said. "That's all I want—to please you in any way I can. Yes, I'm afraid…but I adore you far more."</p><hr/><p>Sometime in the bleakness of the early morning, I felt Rise turn around in my arms. I barely woke up. My head was foggy from the night before. Rise's emotions from last night startled her. She clung to me. Her breaths hitched against my chest like she was upset. I rubbed her bare back, kissing the warm roots of her hair, hoping she might calm down. Rise steadied her breathing and held me tighter. This was so different from how invigorated she was last night…how much she'd pulled me out of my comfort zone, practically turning me into another person.</p><p>"Naoto," she whispered, sounding sleepy and a little scared. "Am I too clingy?"</p><p>I pulled her body closer, waking up more. "No…never," I said.</p><p>"You're sure I'm not too needy for you? I'm always holding onto your arm or hugging you… Doesn't it turn you off? You're not naturally affectionate. I don't want to smother you or anything."</p><p>Something about her sincerity made me melt. "I love you the way you are. Don't change."</p><p>Rise stayed in my arms even after her alarm went off. I surprised her by saying that. I stopped being self-conscious, at least for the moment. I knew she needed to hear me say it. Holding Rise like this, there was so much I wanted to do for her—things that I wouldn't have considered before—if only to make her smile, to make her feel safer with me.</p><p>She didn't want to move. I didn't want to let her go. But it was time. Her comeback awaited.</p><p>Reluctantly, we got dressed and snuck downstairs. Rise had already said her goodbyes to everyone else yesterday. She wanted to avoid going through that again. I carried her bags for her as we headed out to my car. Kanji was just up the street, standing outside his family's shop with his mother. He frowned, embarrassed as his mother hugged and kissed him goodbye. Rise and I spoke to her briefly while Kanji put his bag in my trunk. The drive to the train station wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. I did catch Kanji looking around, as if wondering if Rise and I had had sex right where he sat behind me. Rise bit her lower lip. She read my mind. It took everything in her not to blurt out the truth then and there.</p><p>At the station, I stood with Kanji and Rise on the platform. The cloudy morning gave me a sense of nostalgia. Not that long ago, Yu was in the middle of catching his train while Yukiko and Chie humiliated Rise in front of all of us. Now Rise was on her way back to national stardom. Ideally more than that within a few years, if everything worked out. Rise latched onto my arm while we waited the few minutes before the train arrived. A few other commuters across the way recognized her. I was firmly in this moment. I couldn't think about how much I'd miss her once she left. Kanji seemed like he wanted to say something, but he wouldn't let himself do it. In a strange way, I knew I'd miss him as well.</p><p>"Rise-chan," said Kanji, wincing. "Are we really gonna do this? You're trusting me to protect you?"</p><p>"That's right," replied Rise, blasé. "I already told you why Naoto can't. It has to be you. And I told you why I know you'll do a good job. It's a perfect fit."</p><p>"Why is that?" I asked, expecting the same answer as before.</p><p>Kanji chuckled, cynical. "She knows I won't let anything happen to her 'cause of you," he answered.</p><p>"That sounds wise," I agreed.</p><p>"Sure but it's manipulative as hell!"</p><p>Rise smiled as the blue train pulled in. "I don't see you complaining," she pointed out. "Come on, you get to have a <em>manly</em> job protecting Risette. If anyone steps out of line, I know you'll deal with them for me. Keep at it for a while, and my manager will pay you enough to take care of your mother and buy lots of materials for your stuffed doll classes."</p><p>"They're knitted!" argued Kanji. "Not stuffed…there's a difference."</p><p>Rise took her bags from me and handed them to him. "Tell me about it on the trip," she said sweetly. Kanji went to put their luggage on the overhead racks. Rise hugged me, not wanting to let go again. "I'll miss you so much… I wish you could come with me. I know I'll be way too nervous for my first shows if you're there." I just noticed the inside of the train…it looked exactly like the TV World. Color-blocked, undulating arches of indigo and black paint like rainbows plastered the walls, the windows. The open door called to me: an invitation. Other people, Kanji included, passed through as if they didn't notice. Rise pulled away, pouting as she asked, "Hey, are you listening?"</p><p>I kissed her, not knowing what to say right away. "…I'll miss you, too. I love you."</p><p>Rise held me with as much meaning as she could. "I really love you, Naoto," she said softly. I forgot all about the strangeness inside the train, impossibly warmed by her. She giggled. "You might regret saying that soon enough. Now I'm going to tell you I love you all the time. You can't get tired of it!"</p><p>"I won't," I told her, smiling. Kanji hovered in the doorway, his hands in his pockets. "You'd better go."</p><p>"I'll text as much as I can," promised Rise, heading inside. "My room is yours. Look around, read whatever, use my laptop—anything!" She blew me a kiss. "You deserve a lazy summer in my bed!"</p><p>Kanji nodded to me. "See ya," he said sadly.</p><p>I waved goodbye to them as the doors closed. From the outside, the train and the sky itself were overtaken by those color-blocked arches. No one else noticed…not Rise, even after Margaret had allowed her to see the birthday channels with me. I stayed at the platform, watching the train disappear into the distance, feeling my heart stretch out painfully as it took Rise farther and farther away. Despite this ache, I was hopeful that Rise would restart her career the way she wanted. I couldn't shake this feeling that I was supposed to go to Tokyo with her—not only to be with her, but to find answers.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Lazy Summer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Inaba without Rise was deadened loneliness. Her voice wasn't around to give life to these dull roads. Her laughter wasn't here to lift the listlessness from the town. Her smile wasn't with me to encourage me to get out of her bed and enjoy the summer. There was no summer to enjoy without her here. I was trapped in these sheets that smelled of her, just as I was afraid of. My eyes stayed glued to Rise's large television screen, watching her evade mobs of reporters, with Kanji shielding her from the blinding flashes, microphones and cameras. The endless news cycles discussed Risette's controversial comeback, laboring over her new style: darker makeup, talon-like black acrylic nails, and <em>"a bipolar sense of fashion" </em>that went from androgynous one day to teasing and sensual the next. Their terrible choice of words came from leaked information that Rise was in therapy. Her refusal to sit down for a traditional press conference answering the public's questions about her return and <em>"possible mental illness"</em> only made everyone wonder more. Her team also would not discuss her leaked photographs or her dating life, sparking offended outrage throughout the media. No one had yet to provide pictures showing Rise and me together. As far as anyone else knew, the rumors about her being bisexual were <em>only </em>rumors.</p><p>By way of her music, Rise had performed at a few smaller, sold-out venues. Her big concert tonight was to be a joint production with several other artists under the same management company. All anyone could talk about was Risette—if she would be performing old hits along with new material. Her mere presence in Tokyo and in the studio had set the public on fire. They couldn't get enough of her.</p><p>The child in me blew up all of my fears. I was paralyzed by the thought of Rise finding someone else in Tokyo, or losing herself to the vices and temptations of the big city and the music industry. I shouldn't have been. She messaged me often. She called me every night before she slept for a measly three hours or so before getting back to work. My voice alone was enough to get her off. I was still reeling from how incredible she sounded last night. Remembering that helped to keep my anxieties away.</p><p>This lazy summer wasn't an actual vacation to me. I was ready to drop everything and go to Rise the moment she needed me.</p><p>Our friends didn't seem to understand this. For two weeks straight, they'd sent me numerous text messages, asking me to drive them here or there—to the beach, to Okina City, to Dojima's house. I finally replied a few days ago, reminding them that I wasn't their chauffeur. In all honesty I was sick of driving around from the months when I'd lived in my car. Nevertheless, the others were persistent. While I watched the lively pre-show counting down to Rise's concert in Tokyo, I received a text from Chie, asking if I wanted to eat dinner with everyone at Souzai Daigaku, the quaint little meat stand just down the road. I'd been blowing them off this whole time…maybe it wouldn't have been so bad to join them this once. When I didn't immediately respond, Chie sent another message:</p><p>"<em>Naoto-kun, come on! Rise's concert isn't for another hour! We can all watch it together then. Eat dinner with us for now? Please? We miss you."</em></p><p>I <em>was </em>tired of eating <em>ganmodoki </em>every day… <em>"Give me some time to get dressed."</em></p><p>"<em>Sure thing!"</em></p><p>After a quick shower, I went over to the TV. I had forced myself not to watch Rise's channel, or Kanji's. Considering how obvious it was that many answers awaited in Tokyo, this had brutally stalled my investigation. I wondered what our friends thought about her comeback. I decided to watch Chie's channel while I put on my clothes.</p><p>Channel 730—as ever, the solid yellow background appeared, and Margaret's handwriting greeted me:</p><p>"<em>Chie Satonaka, born July 30th, 1995, Leo—what is her Arcana?"</em></p><p>"<em>Chariot," </em>I wrote.</p><p>"<em>Do you believe her love for green is a reflection of her shadow's greed or envy? Provide an example."</em></p><p>I hadn't considered that angle before. <em>"Envy for others, like how easily Yukiko attracts boys."</em></p><p>"<em>Unlimited access granted. Welcome, Detective Prince."</em></p><p>Down the street at Souzai Daigaku, Chie, Yukiko, Yu and Yosuke sat together at a table outside in the early evening. Now I noticed everyone's almost religious devotion to a certain color—Chie always wore green somewhere in her outfit, Yukiko red, Yosuke orange. Yu was inconsistent. The clothes I had picked out were black and blue, like always. These fun, symbolic details drowned away once I heard what everyone spoke about while I wasn't there.</p><p>Yosuke angrily put his phone away. "Ugh, Kanji's being an ass," he complained. "He thinks he's hot stuff now that he's Risette's personal bodyguard. All I asked was if they'd be back in time for the summer festival next week. He bitched and said he can't give away details about Rise-chan's schedule. Like, dude, seriously? I'm not some secret spy that wants to stalk her!"</p><p>Yu sighed. "Rise's not much better," he said. "She won't take any of my calls. She won't respond to my messages, either. I wonder if she blocked my number."</p><p>Chie waved her hand at them. "They're probably super busy," she reasoned. "Don't worry about it."</p><p>"As busy as Naoto-kun's been, cooped up in Rise-chan's room?" asked Yosuke, sarcastic.</p><p>"She's allowed to be depressed over her girlfriend being gone! What's with you?"</p><p>Yosuke wasn't convinced. "She knew what she was signing up for," he argued. "How could she be depressed? Naoto-kun and depression just don't go together, anyway. She's way too strong for that."</p><p>Yukiko had to give her opinion as well. "Naoto-kun is more than likely concerned about Rise-chan's recent changes," she assumed.</p><p>"Changes?" asked Chie, taken aback. "What changes are you talking about?"</p><p>"Risette's whole image and attitude these days hinges on the rebellious 'bad girl' stereotype."</p><p>"And?!"</p><p>Yukiko wrinkled her nose. "It isn't very ladylike, is it?"</p><p>Chie recoiled so hard she nearly fell out of her seat.</p><p>"You're right," agreed Yosuke. "Back when Risette first stepped onto the scene, she was cute and likable and everyone wanted to be her or date her. Now she's like this untouchable, sexy diva that won't even smile for the cameras. I mean, yeah, she's got the media wrapped around her finger. Everyone wants to know more about her. But there's no way Naoto-kun recognizes the girl on TV anymore! I sure don't."</p><p>"I see what you mean," added Yu. "This side of Rise doesn't fit with the person I thought I knew a year ago. Sure, she's had problems figuring out her real self. Who's to say this isn't another phase?"</p><p>Yukiko squeezed his hand. "Aren't you glad you left her?" she asked with a smile.</p><p>Chie stood up, slamming her hands down on the table. "Am I taking crazy pills?!" she shrieked. "Why are you guys judging Rise-chan like this? On her birthday, we all encouraged her to be herself! That's exactly what she's doing! Now you wanna talk crap about her—<em>and </em>Naoto-kun?!"</p><p>"Geez, Chie, chill out!" said Yosuke. "Why are you so worked up?"</p><p>"Because you're a bunch of hypocrite bullies, that's why! Didn't we make up with Naoto-kun and Rise-chan like two months ago? We're supposed to have each other's backs!"</p><p>Yukiko wasn't interested in listening to reason. "I keep telling you, Rise isn't who we think she is."</p><p>"What's that got to do with anything?!"</p><p>"She's nothing but a persona. Risette is yet another mask from her collection. Doesn't that bother you?"</p><p>"No, it doesn't!" yelled Chie. "And unlike you, I'm actually sorry about what we did to her! I shouldn't have let you turn me into a bully. I hate bullies! God, I can't believe I was jealous of you for being more <em>ladylike </em>than I am… Now you're shaming Rise-chan 'cause she doesn't fit into some tiny box of impossible standards for women. News flash—she's breaking down those barriers! That's why everyone can't get enough of her! I respect her for that…I won't let you do this again."</p><p>Yukiko shrugged. "I'm not the one being trashed in the media every day for my poor choices."</p><p>I was so angry, I almost didn't hear my phone ringing on the nightstand. It was Rise calling. I quickly picked up. Noise in the background faded away. I heard a door close, heard Rise breathing hard.</p><p>"Rise?" I said. "You sound upset… What's wrong?"</p><p>"<em>Hey…sorry. I needed to hear your voice. I'm in my dressing room backstage. We just finished dress rehearsals. I did everything right, hit all of my notes and steps… The new song I'm performing is popular, but I hate it. I know I'm being a brat. I should get over it."</em></p><p>"Is it the single you planned on releasing first?"</p><p>"<em>No, I like that one a lot. This one's more like a buzz single. You know, to get everyone talking."</em></p><p>"Why do you hate it?" I asked, watching the TV again. Chie was still up in arms.</p><p>Rise groaned. <em>"It's about Senpai," </em>she replied. <em>"I don't like having to rewind my feelings back to that time…back when I hated my real self so much that I forced myself to settle for him. The only reason people think I'm such a great performer is because I put everything into my shows. I'm scared that resentment will come out when I perform the song live."</em></p><p>"I know what you mean… Which number is it on your mixtape?"</p><p>"<em>The second one. I knew he was with Yukiko and I wanted him to have me on the side…so that's where the song came from. I'm mad at myself for sinking that low in the first place."</em></p><p>"Well then, why don't you pretend you're singing it about me? Would that help?"</p><p>A long pause, and then—<em>"Yeah…I can pretend. It'll be way easier. That's perfect! Thanks, baby."</em></p><p>"I'm glad I could help," I answered. I could tell she hadn't fully calmed down. "…I miss you."</p><p>"<em>I miss you, too," </em>she said, sniffling.<em> "I'm so stupid. I should have brought you with me. My manager's working me to death and Moronji's constantly being passive-aggressive. I need you here to tell me everything will be all right." </em>Rise put the phone down, shouting at someone outside the door to leave her alone. <em>"God, Naoto, I wasn't expecting all this, you know? Everyone's losing it because I'm not the same little Risette I was last year. I don't want to deal with them. When my concert's on, I want you to watch it from my birthday channel. If I can pretend you're the only one watching, I think that'll help."</em></p><p>"Of course. I can do that."</p><p>"<em>Thanks… I've been going on and on about me this whole time. I'm sorry. How are you doing, babe? Inaba hasn't moved on without me, has it?"</em></p><p>Telling Rise about our friends might have stressed her out more. But I had learned my lesson about keeping secrets from her. No white lies, either. While I explained what currently went on at Souzai Daigaku, I packed a small bag to take with me. Rise had said enough times that she needed me there. It was time to go surprise her by driving to Tokyo—after I dealt with the others somehow.</p><p>Rise was silent once I finished talking.</p><p>"I'll handle it," I promised her. "I don't want you to worry. I only figured you should know."</p><p>"<em>How will you handle it…? Don't tell me you're going to fight them or something. As much as I want you to, it's not worth it… Chie-senpai's the only one who learned anything."</em></p><p>"I'll think of something. You can't tell anyone how I found out about this."</p><p>Rise sounded like she was about to cry. <em>"I know…"</em></p><p>"I'm sorry I upset you with the news…"</p><p>"<em>No—I'm glad you told me. I needed to know the truth. Other than that, are you okay?"</em></p><p>I turned the TV off, making my way downstairs and outside to the dry heat. "I'm all right," I said. "As much as possible, anyway." There was much more I wanted to say. I couldn't think of the best words. "You know I'm on your side. I always will be. That's a promise." She was silent again while I got in my car. I sat behind the wheel, listening to her clean her face. "I wish I was there with you now."</p><p>"<em>Me too…" </em>Rise sighed, exasperated. <em>"I have to go. The concert's starting soon. I need to get ready."</em></p><p>Whenever she went quiet like this, I knew what she wanted me to say. "I love you," I told her. "I know you'll pull everything off perfectly. Let me deal with the others. Don't stress out over them."</p><p>Rise's smile sounded clear through her voice. <em>"Love you, too," </em>she replied. <em>"Bye…"</em></p><p>"Bye for now."</p><p>I waited for her to hang up first, like always. On the short drive to Souzai Daigaku down the street, I called Kanji. He answered his phone right away, sounding irritable. He calmed down as soon as he heard my voice. I asked him if today was a good day to surprise Rise with a visit. He sent me a text with the address to Takura Productions, promising to let the front desk know that I was on my way. Kanji asked how long it would take me to drive to Tokyo; I said I would be there by nightfall in a few hours. Once we finished speaking, I spotted Chie yelling at Yu, Yosuke and Yukiko; the three of them sat there stone-faced, unwilling to listen to anything she said. In Yu's case, he simply wasn't willing to have a backbone and speak up—which wasn't a surprise at all. He may not have been as negative as Yukiko and Yosuke. His reluctant silence damned him all the same in my eyes. I pulled right up to their table over the sidewalk, scaring the hell out of them. I rolled down my window and stuck my head out the opening.</p><p>Any semblance of my character vanished. I had to defend Rise like I should have done back in March.</p><p>"Your apologies were useless!" I yelled. "Could you be any more transparent?!"</p><p>Yosuke scrambled to his feet. "The hell's gotten into you?!" he sputtered. "You're crazy!"</p><p>"No, I'm not! I heard every word you said about Rise, Kanji-kun <em>and </em>me! If you think I'm crazy for getting angry at your hypocrisy, then <em>you're </em>the one with the problem, not me! You aren't entitled to our time or attention, especially when it's obvious you don't respect us at all… Hell, Rise and I aren't <em>people </em>to you, Yosuke. That vile hentai you read about us tells me we're nothing but a fetish to you!"</p><p>Of course, Yosuke had nothing to say to that. He winced and sat back down, looking embarrassed. Yu couldn't bring himself to speak. Yukiko wouldn't even make eye contact with me. How predictable.</p><p>Chie ran over to the passenger's door. "Wait, let me in, please!" she begged. I unlocked the door; she hurried inside with me. She stuck her head out the window, too, shouting at the others: "We're done, you hear me?! Screw you! All of you! You're not brainwashing me again!"</p><p>I drove off, scaring several bystanders nearby. Chie's house was close to the highway I needed to take to get to Tokyo. I made my way there.</p><p>Neither of us knew what to say. Chie smartly assumed I'd been nearby and overheard their whole conversation. Unfortunately, there was much more I missed while I'd been on the phone with Rise. Considering the way Chie had severed ties with Yu, Yosuke and Yukiko, whatever I hadn't heard must have been just as terrible, if not worse.</p><p>I thought back to Rise's impromptu birthday party at the arcade. During the group picture we had taken, Rise did insist on having Chie by my side. She must have seen through everyone else's façades and guessed that Chie was the only one worth forgiving. I'd had a similar feeling since then. Despite the drama, I was glad to finally have this validation.</p><p>Chie sighed regretfully. "I'm sorry, Naoto-kun," she said. "I should have stood up to Yukiko way back when. I'll stand up for random kids on the street getting bullied, but it took me forever to do it for you guys… I'm such an idiot."</p><p>"It's all right, Chie-senpai," I reassured her. "You wanted to protect your best friend."</p><p>"Ugh, I know… It's ironic, huh? Yosuke was the one telling Yuki and me to go easy on you two. Turns out the only reason he cared about Rise-chan so much was because of his disgusting hentai. He doesn't see you two as a real couple, like you said. He thinks you'll grow out of it and settle down with some guy. And the whole time, Yukiko was sitting there <em>nodding! </em>She thinks real women are the ones who only follow the status quo and don't rock the boat! That's so not me. And get this! She was convinced I'd get my head on straight if all I did was follow her! Our whole friendship was a lie…"</p><p>"Just because you spend every day with someone, that doesn't mean you know them. Their prejudices didn't have a reason to come out during our Midnight Channel investigation. I'm not surprised that this is coming out now."</p><p>"They're monsters," she said chillingly. "Sometimes I feel like everyone's mean and nasty on the inside. This nice act people put on…if you seriously think about it, it's nothing but a…"</p><p>"A persona," I finished for her.</p><p>Chie pulled at her hair. "Geez, what the hell's going on?!" she cried. "Did we mess something up? 'Cause they're acting <em>exactly</em> like their shadows! The friendship we had together is broken… We're split up into these smaller groups. After we defeated a freaking <em>god, </em>I thought we'd all be friends forever." She calmed herself down and looked to me. "Naoto-kun, what if you found out Rise-chan isn't who you think she is? Would you lose it just like I'm doing now?"</p><p>"Are you asking if I would leave her?"</p><p>"Well…yeah, I guess."</p><p>"I'm not sure… I already love her. If it was a matter of morals or integrity, I'd have to think about it… I'm sorry to say that I can't give you a solid answer."</p><p>Chie smiled as I pulled into the driveway of her home. "No, it's okay," she said. "Thanks for saving the day like that and driving me home. Everybody says you're cold and distant, but you're a real sweetheart, you know." I glanced away, embarrassed by the compliment. She laughed in good humor. "Hey, so where are you headed? You've got a bag in your backseat."</p><p>"I'm driving to Tokyo to surprise Rise with a visit," I explained. "I'll likely stay there with her until she wants to return to town. You could say it was a spur-of-the-moment decision."</p><p>"See, you <em>are </em>sweet!" she teased. "Man, I'm so jealous of you two… Oh! We were supposed to eat dinner together! Aren't you hungry? You shouldn't go on a road trip on an empty stomach."</p><p>"…I may have neglected to pack a meal. I was in a hurry to leave."</p><p>Chie giggled. "Wait here, I'll bring you a boxed dinner!" she insisted. "Be right back!"</p><p>I felt myself smiling over Chie's kindness. These types of conflicts and disagreements were terrible, but they did help me see who was worth having in my life. I looked over to the highway that went straight to Tokyo. That same strange color-blocked rainbow of indigo and black was there in the sky. It stretched out into the distance, painted over the setting sun. I couldn't keep ignoring this.</p><p>Chie nearly startled me when she knocked on my window. I rolled it down. "Here you go!" she said, giving me the box and chopsticks. "Are you gonna watch Risette's concert on the way there? It's starting in a few minutes. I'm curling up with some snacks in the living room while I watch with my family."</p><p>"Yes, I plan on it," I replied, setting the box in the passenger's seat. "Thank you very much, Chie-senpai."</p><p>"No problem! Text me when you make it there safe and sound, okay?"</p><p>"I will."</p><p>Chie waved goodbye as I drove down the road, toward the highway. Once I was near the gas station, I pulled over to eat the meal she gave me. Despite Chie's brave face, I knew she was deeply upset over losing her best friend. She and Yukiko had been close for years… My GPS monitor suddenly turned into a screen showing the venue where Rise's concert was at. Thousands upon thousands of people gathered in the open arena. The roar of the crowd soon dimmed from my perspective, from Risette's eyes and ears. The screen put me in the dead center right in the front above the audience. Close enough to see every detail of the instruments on stage, but far enough away to have the best view of everything.</p><p>Almost time.</p><p>I hurried to fill up my tank and got on the road. The pieces of the TV World that blended with this one painted the way for me to Tokyo. The lights over the stage and most of the arena darkened. I couldn't hear the crowd, but their loudness still rumbled through my car like bass. Moments later, those iconic piano notes played—the opening to Pursuing My True Self, Risette's first hit—and a spotlight shined on Rise at center stage. She looked right through the screen, right into me, like I was the only one watching her. With her hair down as usual, her style was as edgy as it had been in all of the paparazzi pictures over the past two weeks. The rest of the lights came back on, and her backup dancers and band appeared. I marveled at her singing and dancing at the same time. She'd updated the choreography to fit her new look; she moved as if possessed, never letting her eyes stray from mine.</p><hr/><p>As Tokyo appeared over the painted horizon, Rise's concert with her management company's artists was nearly over. She dominated the stage whenever she was on it. If she didn't sing lead vocals on a song, then she was the lead dancer. Risette and Kanami had done a duo together sometime after the opening. I finally caught myself using their names interchangeably…Rise and Risette. Maybe they were the same person for the sake of Rise's musical career. I wondered how dangerous that was…</p><p>The skyscrapers and other tall buildings I drove by reflected the bending rainbow of indigo and black in the sky. Building signs lit by vibrant lights had all changed to blue; all the Japanese text changed to black. Running chevrons along the road lit the way to Takura Productions in the heart of the city. It scared me that no one else could see this. I knew it was only Margaret controlling my perception of the world. That in itself worried me. She must have possessed a great deal of power. I imagined it would have been unwise to cross her. So far she and I were on good terms. I hoped it would stay that way in the future.</p><p>On the long street leading to Rise's management agency, traffic was backed up terribly because of everyone leaving the concert. Soon the cars came to a complete halt. Frustrated, I moved my head this way and that, trying to get a better look at the flow of traffic ahead. Then, all the noise in the city, all the cars and the people in them, the traffic lights and the crowds of pedestrians…they stopped as if frozen in time. Those chevrons appeared on the street beside me, through the divide between the left and right hand sides of the road. I got out of my car and followed the indicators to the wide area where traffic and crossing pedestrians collided in a frenzied sense of order.</p><p>A bunch of televisions sat in the center of the street, piled high in the sky like a pyramid. I retrieved my pen, intending to turn only one screen on. All of them lit up. The billboards overhead and every advertisement between the rise-story buildings showed the same thing, sound amplified—it was of Rise in her room, sobbing over her bed. The date read April 12th, 2012. This was the day right before our second year began…the same day Kanji and I invited Rise out to the arcade with us. Her phone was on the other end of her bed. When it lit up with a phone call, Rise screamed before picking up.</p><p>"What is it now?!" she snapped. "Haven't you ruined my life enough!?"</p><p>I didn't recognize the steady, severe female voice on the other end: <em>"You'll thank me for this, Rise. Everything's going according to schedule. Now, if there's anything on your phone that you don't want getting out, delete it before you get the text message. I guarantee they'll leak, too. I can't have you complaining about whatever embarrassing vids or God knows what else you have on there."</em></p><p>"Just stop! <em>Stop!</em> This is crazy… <em>You're </em>crazy! Why can't you let me make my comeback on my own? Why can't I go back to the same career I had before? Don't you know how humiliating this is for me?!"</p><p>The woman scoffed coldly. <em>"Don't make me explain this to you again," </em>she warned. <em>"You're not a little girl anymore! You're a musical prodigy—act like it!" </em>Rise cried hysterically. Unsympathetic, the stranger sighed. <em>"Enough tears, Rise! Listen to me, Goddamnit! If you don't, I'm hanging up and you'll never work in this industry again."</em></p><p>Rise calmed herself down. She wiped her tears away, biting back the urge to cry again.</p><p>"<em>Good. Now pay attention, because this is the last time I'll say it—this is a complicated situation. You and I both want Risette to be a household name. Superstardom, song recognition, awards, better endorsements—you name it. You deserve it. One hundred percent, I believe in you. The problem is that people need to buy your music. No matter how talented you are, the world won't accept a Japanese girl—or woman—as their star. Not as it stands now. One came close before but it wasn't enough."</em></p><p>"I don't get why I can't," whined Rise. "You said it yourself—I'm talented! I'll put in the work! I'll go to vocal and choreo training every day of the week! Just—please don't do this to me! Please…"</p><p>"<em>Rise, you told me the truth about who you are. I'm not judging you. Everyone else will once they find out. Things that are out of your control are already working against you. You're bisexual. You're a minority. You're female. Right there—three strikes!" </em>Rise broke down in tears again. "<em>Listen, the world is filled with a bunch of idiots! If you want to lure them in, you need to convince them that you're the most interesting person on this planet! You know how that happens? Scandals! Controversy! Mystery! Twisted allure! The old Risette was a safe, boring shell of who you truly are. If you go back to that career, you'll fall into the same old self-loathing that brought you to where you are now!"</em></p><p>"Damnit! Why are you so cynical? Who hurt you?! Like, I know you're right… I get everything you're saying… But—can't you think of something else?"</p><p>"<em>No. This is it. A few months from now once you're able to be who you are, and not have your career suffer for it, you'll be singing a different tune. Literally. As for why I'm cynical…you could say I'm sick of these roadblocks that are in your way. They've been around for years. I want you to succeed—to tear these barriers down. Your music will get it done. I believe in you. Let me do my job as your manager."</em></p><p>Her manager hung up. Rise sat there for a while, thinking everything over. Slowly, she stopped crying.</p><p>Kanji's voice sounded from outside. "HEY, Rise-chan! Rise Kujikawa! I know you can hear me!" Rise went to her window…looking unbelievably sad… "Yeah, you! Come on down so we can hang out!"</p><p>Rise sighed. "I really appreciate you asking," she said, frowning. "But I'm not in the mood. Sorry."</p><p>"Aww, c'mon!" tried Kanji. "Don't be like that! Me and Naoto-kun wanna take you to the new arcade that just opened up! It'll be fun, I promise!"</p><p>"Naoto-kun…?" asked Rise, looking to me. Her pretty face lit up in shock. "Oh, Naoto-kun! Is that you?" I waved to her, unwilling to raise my voice enough to reply. "I'm sorry—I didn't recognize you. You look different…"</p><p>Kanji stomped his foot over the hot asphalt. "What are you trying to say, huh?!" he snapped.</p><p>"N-Nothing!" stammered Rise. She glanced away, mentally reprimanding herself. "You <em>know </em>I didn't mean it like that…" Then she looked to me again, brow raised in soft curiosity. On her end, hidden behind her windowsill, she reached her hand down to caress her thighs. She was aroused by me. Somewhere in her heart, her shadow brought her old feelings for me to the forefront. Lost in this lust, Rise forgot about her problems, instead losing herself in the novelty of getting to know me better…</p><p>The televisions shut off.</p><p>The screens above faded to black.</p><p>The blue and black rainbows of paint in the sky dissolved.</p><p>If I stayed here, I was bound to get run over by traffic. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. There was no way Rise was involved in this…no way she knew beforehand… I refused to believe she would let something like this happen without reporting it to anyone. No…this wasn't real. It couldn't have been real. Telling myself that over and over again was the only thing that helped me run back to my car in time. Once the TV World parallels disappeared, the city returned to its usual nighttime rush.</p><p>I drove the rest of the way to Takura Productions and found a parking space. I had cleared my mind of everything: the whole exchange, the details that corroborated the explanation, the tone of Rise's comeback and how it reflected everything her manager had said. There was no possible way she allowed this to happen. There was no way she purposely profited from the controversy surrounding her leaked photographs… No… <em>No! </em>That was impossible…she would have told me! Rise was an upstanding citizen. We shared the same moral and legal ideologies. We bonded over them. Regardless of my work situation, I would have pointed her to legal resources she could have used. She would have told Dojima the day he'd listened to her updated testimony about that photographer who had manipulated her.</p><p>Rise had experienced firsthand what it was like for someone to hold her career hostage, to abuse her with it… She wouldn't have let it happen again without reporting it.</p><p>When I passed through the doors to the tall building, I was in a strange, misty daze. I barely remembered to text Chie as I'd promised. The receptionist at the front desk knew who I was; she directed me to the top floor. These sterile, hospital-like halls disturbed me. I wondered about all the underhanded dealings that must have taken place here for idols to succeed in the industry…</p><p>At the topmost floor, I found Rise and Kanji standing with a large group. The people I didn't recognize seemed to know me; some of them smirked, gesturing to me. Wonderfully surprised, Rise turned and found me here. She ran down the hall and into my arms.</p><p>"You're really here!" she said, swaying in my hold. "God, I missed you! It's only been two weeks…feels like forever." Rise touched my face, smiling brightly. I watched the panic fill her eyes. She looked over her shoulder before shoving me into the nearest room with her. "Shit…I wish you'd told me you were on your way… This isn't good."</p><p>I stared down at her new, longer, darker nails clutching onto my arms. "What isn't good?"</p><p>Rise suddenly changed her tune. "You shouldn't be here!" she scolded.</p><p>"I came to surprise you… I didn't know I wasn't allowed."</p><p>"I know, it's just—" Paranoid, she darted her eyes to the door. She pushed me farther into the room, lowering her voice. "It's complicated, okay?"</p><p>I scowled at her, asking, "What's wrong with you?"</p><p>"Why didn't you wait for me in Inaba?!"</p><p>"Damnit, Rise, you said you needed me here! You wanted me to be here to tell you everything will be all right. And I'm here now! I came to surprise you, to make you happy, because I'm your—"</p><p>Rise slapped her hands over my mouth. "Stop talking!" she hissed.</p><p>I stumbled back, away from her. Right as I was about to demand she explain herself, a tall woman entered the room. She wore a vintage white dress and heels; her dark hair had grayed slightly, showing signs of age. The expression over her sharp features marked her as a strict, cynical woman who had been through much in life. She folded her arms as she regarded me, scrutinizing.</p><p>"So then," she said, slightly amused. "You must be the famous Detective Prince. Rise's told me all about you. In fact, she won't shut up about how amazing you are. I can certainly see why."</p><p>This woman had the same voice as that person on the phone in Rise's memory…</p><p>She cut Rise a sharp look. "What are you waiting for?" she asked. "Aren't you going to introduce us?"</p><p>Rise grimaced. "Babe, this is my manager," she revealed. "Her name's Miss Ochimizu… She manages the agency's most successful acts—like me and Kanami Mashita. She's the most powerful woman in the business these days. Anyone who works with her is basically guaranteed to be a star… Miss Ochimizu, this is my girlfriend, Naoto Shirogane. I told you she comes from a family of famous detectives."</p><p>Ochimizu gave me a look of superiority. She expected me to bow to her, to show her respect. She was powerful…she held Rise's career—Rise's dreams and aspirations—in her hands. With one phone call, she could have ruined Rise's reputation, all because of me. I had to bow.</p><p>"It's very nice to meet you," I lied.</p><p>Ochimizu smirked, satisfied. "Likewise," she replied. "Rise, were you trying to hide her from me? If Naoto's going to be with you, her style needs to fit with yours. You can't avoid it."</p><p>"I know, I know," answered Rise, irritated. "I didn't want to bring it up so soon, that's all."</p><p>"Bring what up?" I asked.</p><p>"As handsome as you are now," said Ochimizu, "I'm afraid you need a makeover. Nothing huge. A stylish, boyish haircut, a new wardrobe, accessories and a little PR training. I was afraid we'd have way too much work on our hands. Luckily, your current look isn't too far off from what I have in mind. Both of you, follow me—now."</p><p>As we walked behind Ochimizu down the hall, Rise whispered to me, "Sorry about earlier… My manager's really strict. I was scared you wouldn't like her. That's why I didn't want you to come."</p><p>Ochimizu chuckled. "I heard that, Rise."</p><p>"You didn't hear anything!" she bit back. Her manager laughed again, cynically so. "Anyway…I shouldn't have freaked out on you. Forgive me? I'll make it up to you back in my room later…"</p><p>"It's fine."</p><p>Rise frowned. "And it's always a bad sign whenever you say that," she worried.</p><p>I had nothing more to say. I knew that Rise was unsettled by my silence. Mentally and emotionally, I'd already shut down. I couldn't process all of this. I didn't want to open my eyes and look at the truth. I didn't want to deal with anything anymore. All I wanted to do was forget I had ever watched that memory in the first place.</p><p>Ochimizu led us to a chrome-coated room that served as the hair and makeup area. She had me sit down in one of the chairs facing the brightly-lit mirrors. A hair stylist tested the texture of my hair, smoothing her hands through it. Rise's manager seemed entertained by my scowl. By her track record, I'd expected her to be much more intimidating. I knew little about her, but I still got the feeling that she liked me, somehow. Rise wandered over to us, flipping through a video game magazine. She showed me one of the pictures of a character I recognized.</p><p>"This one," said Rise, pointing to him. "I like his haircut. It's boyish and spiky and it stands out."</p><p>"Isn't this Noctis?" I asked.</p><p>"Yeah! You like Final Fantasy, don't you? His hair's blue here, like yours. He's cute, too."</p><p>Slicked back, my hair already came down to the nape of my neck. It was long enough to manipulate into the style she wanted. I gave the go ahead and the stylist went to work.</p><p>Ochimizu kept her eyes on mine through the mirror. "After this, we'll get your suit measurements," she said. "Rise said you're pretty androgynous. She wasn't lying. Let's keep the illusion going. Most people will think you're a man. The ones who are smart enough to look closely will spread rumors. We'll let them speculate about you two for a while." She barely cracked a smile as she observed me. Rise looked alarmed, as if she hadn't seen her own manager smile. "There's one thing I need you to remember for when the cameras are around. Don't smile at anyone. Only Rise. It's…more romantic that way."</p><p>"I understand."</p><p>"That's good, Naoto. I have a feeling you and I will get along just fine."</p><p>Once my hair was to her standards, and my measurements had been taken, Ochimizu allowed Rise and me to do whatever we wanted for the rest of the night. Inside the building only. She didn't want us to go outside together. Neither did I. The prospect of all those photographers and intrusive questions sounded nerve-wracking to me.</p><p>As the final nail in the coffin of my tolerances, I received an email from my grandfather's secretary:</p><p>"<em>Naoto, your grandfather…he was admitted to the hospital earlier today. Whatever happened that caused you to leave home, I hope you will keep him in your prayers."</em></p><p>I saw the words over the screen of my phone. I couldn't process them… I shut down harder than before.</p><p>I didn't want to think about him, the incident; I didn't want to remember how Rise had cried when she found out the truth.</p><p>She took me back to her room. Any other time, I would have admired the view of Tokyo outside her window. I wasn't in the mood. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to argue with her again. I just wanted to go to sleep after the long drive here. I changed into a tank and shorts, getting into bed right away. With the lights off, and Tokyo's night life shining through the open curtains, Rise sat on the bed next to me. There was something strangely cold about this room. Turning my mind and emotions off didn't make this feeling go away.</p><p>Eventually, I felt Rise hold me from behind. She clung to me. "Baby, what's wrong?" she asked.</p><p>I stared at the lights from the hall peeking underneath the door, saying, "I don't like this."</p><p>"You don't like <em>what</em>…?"</p><p>"Honestly, I feel like you're lying to me," I told her. "I've dealt with domineering figureheads in my own work before they blacklisted me. Your manager isn't any different from them—not on the surface. What's the real reason why you didn't want me here?"</p><p>"I told you already!" she argued.</p><p>"Then I'm going to sleep."</p><p>Rise turned me over on my back, holding my face in her hands. "Why are you acting like this…?"</p><p>"I don't appreciate being lied to."</p><p>"How do you even know I'm lying?" she demanded, sounding defensive. "Huh? Give me one reason!"</p><p>If I asked her about that memory, and she lied to my face…I wouldn't have been able to handle it.</p><p>"I don't have one," I evaded, shaking my head. "It's only a feeling."</p><p>Rise rested her head over my chest. She said nothing more. I didn't want things between us to be like this. That was more important to me than facing what had likely happened four months ago. I was terrified of discovering Rise was in fact the opportunist. The child in me didn't want to believe it. The child in me didn't want to be faced with the real possibility of putting my values first and walking away. The child in me would have forced us both into a downward spiral without Rise's love, without her affection. I swallowed my pride, my obsession with justice, and held my girlfriend as I should have done. I loved her. She loved me. As long as I stayed quiet, I wouldn't have to be alone anymore, ever again…</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Solstice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Surrounded by fresh, crisp snow, lying in the middle of my school's sports field, I stared up at the sky. Misty white clouds sent snowflakes gently trickling down through the cold air. Somewhere behind me, Rise, Kanji and Chie played together in the snow. More specifically—Chie taught Rise a few basic self-defense moves while Kanji pretended to be the aggressor. I hadn't forgotten about Rise's dreams. I kept my thoughts to myself as I lay in the field. Tomorrow was the Emperor's birthday, marking the first day of our brief winter break. Christmas Eve was the day after that. Rise wanted us to spend the next few days with Nanako, since Dojima was swamped with work at his office.</p><p>I had already bought Rise's gift to give her on Christmas Eve during our planned date. Considering how things were between us, I hoped it wouldn't be inappropriate.</p><p>Since summer, I'd been purposely living with blinders on. I did my best to forget about that damning memory I'd witnessed. Whenever I was reminded of it, I forced myself not to analyze anything. I didn't want to believe Rise was capable of letting all of this happen without saying a word to anyone. But if she truly was an opportunist, then it had paid off—after releasing her mixtape in Japan a couple of months ago, Rise had received much acclaim and attention. Her old fans had come back in full force, and she had gained several new followers who obsessed over every little detail of her work. Things were on track for her to release the mixtape in America down the line. Every now and then, groups of paparazzi waited outside our school, hoping to take pictures of Rise with me. This unusual spotlight on us together had started a cult following online of fans who 'shipped' us as a couple. They even sent me fan mail…</p><p>Living like this wasn't the best idea. I was constantly distracted, trying <em>not </em>to think about the investigation. I hadn't spied on anyone through their channels—not unless Rise wanted to watch for her entertainment. She knew I was distant. She assumed it was only because of my grandfather being in the hospital. Somewhere along the way, she guessed that there was more to my silence. I didn't know how to talk to her about this. I couldn't talk to anyone.</p><p>Rise, Chie and Kanji played together to pass the time until the reporters outside our school grew bored and left. They had their own separate issues, but they were able to set them aside to bond with one another. Whenever I had an issue, I had no idea how to set it aside and be in the moment with others. I had to work through it until I conquered whatever it was…at the expense of pushing others away. I wondered if it was only a difference in personalities. The three of them were extroverts. I wasn't.</p><p>For some reason, as I watched the snowflakes falling from above, I felt like I wasn't supposed to be here.</p><p>Was I meant to be someplace else? Distant memories of speaking to Margaret came to mind every time I felt this way. I knew she wanted to invite me into what had become of the TV World. She wanted me to face the truth that I couldn't stand to accept. My reflection wrote notes to me nearly every time I was near the right type of surface. I would have gone to look by now if I knew for certain that I'd come back out with my love for my girlfriend still in-tact. I was terrified I'd hate her, fall out of love with her.</p><p>After a while, Rise walked over to me. She wore a light pink coat over her black uniform shirt, a pink scarf, her dark uniform skirt and high-rise stockings. I knew she was frustrated with my coldness. We only knew one way to deal with our issues. Rise sat at my side. She ran her gloved hand through my hair. These spiked falls that ran over my eyes sheared my seriousness. I watched the lust pass through hers. Of course we couldn't do anything here. Not with Kanji and Chie sitting just across the way.</p><p>"Naoto, I want you to be honest with me," said Rise.</p><p>"About what?" I asked.</p><p>"I really need to know… All the paparazzi and articles and fans, is it too much?"</p><p>"No, it isn't," I replied. "Even if it was, why would you ask? It's not as if you could make it go away. This is part of your career. It's your life. You can't turn that off."</p><p>Rise lay down with me, cradling my head in her arms. "You have no idea," she whispered, warm breath mixing with the chill of the snow. "I know we've only been together for eight months… And maybe this is totally unrealistic, but…I'd do anything for you. You're so good at shutting off your feelings that you don't see how much pressure you're under. I see it every day. I don't want to add to that."</p><p>"Are you saying you'd give up your career for me…?"</p><p>"Yes…"</p><p>That was ridiculous. "You're destined for greater things with your music," I told her. "Giving that up for my sake isn't wise. Besides, that isn't what I want."</p><p>"Then what <em>do </em>you want?" she pleaded.</p><p>"I wish I didn't feel lost anymore, that's all."</p><p>Rise sat up a little to regard me. "Lost?"</p><p>"You know exactly where your career is headed. You have it scheduled down to the month and locations you expect to be in at any given time. My life was once planned out similarly. As a child, I had a routine to look forward to. I would work part-time as a detective throughout school, until college, where I would focus on a degree in criminal justice or psychology… And then I would continue my family's legacy as a full-time detective in Tokyo or perhaps Osaka…somewhere other than here. With everything that's happened… I don't know what I'm meant to do anymore. I'm used to having answers, having a plan."</p><p>"Now that you don't have any answers, that's what's making you feel this way?" she asked gently.</p><p>"I suppose so…"</p><p>Despite my confusion over her memory, I appreciated that Rise could relate to me. Her semi-breakup with Yu around this time last year had set her back, at least emotionally. Feeling her kiss me at a time like this was a lot like…finding a surprise gift tucked away in a familiar place. Rise was the only one who could reach me in this odd place I was in. Having confirmation that she had gone against everything I stood for would have destroyed me. And yet I couldn't keep running away from these answers. Not that long ago, our friends had teamed up against the gods who believed humans wished to live in blissful ignorance. This strange limbo I was in was very much the same thing. I had looked through the fog and found a side of Rise—possibly, maybe—that I couldn't accept. My love for her made me too afraid to put myself first and walk away if it came down to that.</p><p>Maybe Izanami had been right. Maybe we all deserved to live with half-truths and happy news to help us sleep at night. This, what I felt right now, and had felt since August, was too much to handle.</p><p>This was what we had fought to feel. Our Investigation Team was fractured. Was the truth worth this pain?</p><hr/><p>I drove with Rise, Kanji and Chie to Dojima's house late that afternoon. Yu wasn't here this time. Yukiko and Yosuke had gone to stay with him and his family in Tokyo for Christmas and the New Year. While Nanako and the others went to play outside and build snowmen, I stayed inside. I sat under the warm <em>kotatsu</em>—a heavy, heated blanket covering the table—and played a video game. Most people played games to forget about their problems. I was somehow able to solve the nightmare puzzles in <em>Catherine </em>while thinking about other things in the background. I remembered Nanako telling me she couldn't play this game because it was too difficult, even on easy mode. It was a little too adult for her as well. I enjoyed the moral and social issues the game tackled. There was a lot to learn from games like these.</p><p>Once it grew dark outside, everyone came back in. Rise went to make tea and help Nanako cook dinner for all of us. Chie and Kanji sat under the <em>kotatsu</em> with me, watching as I beat one of the harder puzzles.</p><p>"What's this?" asked Kanji, curious.</p><p>"It's a series of block puzzles inspired by the Tower of Babel," I said.</p><p>Chie looked shocked. "How are you moving those blocks like that without falling?! This is way too hard!"</p><p>Rise brought our tea, sitting down next to me. "Naoto's the best gamer," she praised. "She's really good at the ones that make you think. I've watched her beat this before."</p><p>"Could I try?" asked Chie.</p><p>"Yeah, me too!" said Kanji. "This game looks sick as hell."</p><p>After I completed the stage, I plugged in the second controller and let them play the co-op mode. As expected, Kanji and Chie couldn't work well together at all. Rise laughed at them yelling at each other as they failed the puzzles again and again. Oolong tea again… Now it reminded me of the first night we spent here together. Once we ate dinner, we decided to exchange gifts early. Nanako would be at a friend's house for most of the day tomorrow, while Chie and Kanji had promised to spend Christmas Eve with their families. Rise and I would have the house to ourselves while Dojima was at work. For tonight, we had 'safe' gifts to give to each other in front of everyone.</p><p>Nanako gave Rise and me a few adorable drawings she had made of us.</p><p>Chie gave me a stylish pair of designer sunglasses that fit with my new look for Risette.</p><p>Rise gave me a handcrafted watch that would let me keep track of wherever she was, much like Himiko.</p><p>Kanji gave me a digital camera… <em>For investigating. </em>I did my best to accept the gift without recalling the imagery connected to Rise's dreams. Rise was oddly pale.</p><p>While Chie and Kanji went back to playing <em>Catherine </em>together, I checked my phone. I had another email from my grandfather's secretary. My grandfather didn't have much time left. A week at most if this current treatment did nothing to help him. Each time I had gone to visit him, he was asleep. If he'd been awake, he stared right through me. I'd heard the rumors going around town—about how, once he was gone, I wouldn't be able to carry on the Shirogane legacy, let alone the family name. To them, I was somehow a failure for not wanting a husband to settle down with; I was wrong for not being in a position to pass on my genes and have a 'real family' someday. Because everyone else knew best, if I wanted my job back, all I had to do was stop with this 'gay thing,' stop dressing 'like a man' and learn my place. Why did my life matter so much to them? Why couldn't people understand that it was possible for someone to not <em>want or need </em>the norm?</p><p>Nanako noticed the scowl on my face. "Naoto-kun, what's wrong?" she asked. "Is your phone not working?"</p><p>I hadn't expected anyone to ask about me. "Err, no," I said. "I received a message about my grandfather… He might not make it past the New Year."</p><p>Everyone was quiet. They didn't know what to say. I had a feeling they expected me to cry. I couldn't. I had too many emotions and non-emotions to process. Sadness was mixed somewhere with everything else. In a way, ever since I had left home, I'd accepted him being gone already.</p><p>Rise looked like she wanted to say something. Thousands of thoughts passed through her eyes; she couldn't catch any to pin them down with words.</p><p>Nanako hesitated before asking, "If your grandpa passes away…does that mean you'll be alone?"</p><p>"Yes. Then again, I always have been alone. I don't have any siblings. My extended family who don't share my last name are practically strangers. They don't approve of me."</p><p>Chie frowned sadly. "So if there's a funeral soon, you'd have to see them again?" she asked.</p><p>"Unfortunately," I replied.</p><p>"That's rough," said Kanji. "Uh, no offense or anything…I figured you'd be broken up over this."</p><p>I saw the fear there in his eyes. "Are you asking why I'm not crying?"</p><p>"Yeah… You're kinda freaking me out."</p><p>"And I'm used to being alone. I don't know what it means to lose a family I never had in the first place."</p><p>My coldness no doubt chilled them. I couldn't care about that. Not everyone reacted to things the same way. I was no exception. After some time, the others awkwardly changed the subject. Somewhat. Instead of talking about deaths and families, they simply spoke about families. Chie mentioned her plans with her family tomorrow, and Kanji chimed in with how his day would go. I tuned out for a few minutes. When I found my awareness again, I had no idea why Nanako asked:</p><p>"Rise-chan, do you want kids someday?"</p><p>Rise seemed nervous to be put on the spot like this. "You're asking me?"</p><p>"Yes! If you and Naoto-kun get married, will you have a family, too?"</p><p>I couldn't hide this heat in my face. Rise couldn't cover hers, either. Kanji and Chie watched us both.</p><p>"Umm, let's see," said Rise, buying time to think. She sighed, dejected. "I don't know, Nanako-chan… It's not that I wouldn't <em>want </em>to. I'm kind of like Naoto about these things. My extended family at Marukyu are great, but I'm not that close with all of them. And my immediate family…it'd take me way too long to explain how they make me feel." Nanako didn't understand this bitterness. Rise averted her eyes, scowling, giving a shorter answer instead: "Parents can be cruel and hateful."</p><p>That brought to mind Rise's story about how her parents had exploited her for money and fame. She went out of her way not to mention them. It made me wonder what else I didn't know about them, about her experiences with them. All over again, I hated myself for suspecting her. Even if she was complicit in this case with the security breach and her photographs, Rise had clearly been powerless. At the same time, she should have said <em>something. </em>She could have told me. Why didn't she?</p><p>Kanji and Chie were to spend the night with us. Chie would sleep in the pull-out futon while Kanji crashed somewhere on the floor. Rise went to help Nanako with her bath. I went upstairs to take a shower. Sleeping in Yu's old room with Rise was something else. After everything that had happened, it was amusing to have her in the same bed where Yu had spent time with Yukiko.</p><p>In the hall upstairs, I thought I heard someone crying. I found Risette sitting in front of Dojima's office, wearing a scandalous, adult outfit, but sobbing like a child. She begged for her mother to stop being so mean; for her father to protect her. When I went to touch her shoulder, she vanished into thin air.</p><p>My hand was right next to the door.</p><p>Dojima's office…he was still in the middle of looking into Rise's case. He likely had evidence in here—evidence I didn't have access to, being cut off from the police force. I looked up to the ceiling and saw several wires passing through a small hole above the door. Dojima had security cameras inside his office. Whatever evidence he had inside the room had to be of serious value. The digital camera Kanji had gifted me was in my pocket. I was tempted. But I couldn't compromise Dojima's trust in me. No…I had to find more answers another way.</p><hr/><p>Once Nanako went off to bed, the rest of us stayed awake playing video games until four in the morning. I slept through most of the day. I kept having dreams about Risette crying and not being able to do anything to help her. Rise woke up at some point before me to take my car and drive Chie and Kanji home. I finally came to in the evening. After getting dressed, I went downstairs, mesmerized by the warm, sweet smell of a freshly-baked cake. Rise greeted me with a smile and a kiss. She had me sit at the table in the living room. I set my bag down with her real gift. I saw another bag nearby—it probably had my gift from her. I had the strangest feeling that we might have bought each other the same thing…</p><p>"Here, try this first!" said Rise, bringing me a brownie. "I want to know if you like it."</p><p>I stared down at it. The brownie gave off an odd smell…like it was spicy. I did my best not to frown.</p><p>"What's wrong?" she asked sadly. "Don't you want to try my cooking?"</p><p>A spicy brownie sounded terrible… Was the <em>cake </em>spicy, too? Rise must have put a lot of work and love into these desserts. I didn't want to hurt her feelings by not eating what she'd made… I steeled myself and reached for the brownie, only for Rise to take it away. She giggled loudly.</p><p>"I'm kidding! I don't want you to eat it. I wanted to see if you'd be polite or not."</p><p>I smiled for the first time in a while. "Is that brownie what I think it is?"</p><p>Rise beamed at me. "Yep!" she said. "It's got my special spicy chocolate in it. I only made it as a joke to get you to smile again. It worked!" She kissed my forehead and skipped back to the kitchen. "I love that you didn't want to hurt my feelings. You're so sweet!"</p><p>I had yet another message from my grandfather's secretary, finally explaining the situation. My grandfather dealt with congestive heart failure on top of his dementia. Thankfully, his condition had improved somewhat overnight. Maybe he would pull through. Maybe I wouldn't have to keep up this stoicism over being alone without him. While Rise and I ate the cake she made for us, I told her the news. She sounded happy for him. Then she asked if I wanted to visit him again tomorrow. I had already planned on seeing him then. I explained that I wanted to visit him alone on New Year's Eve while she spent time with the others. Rise understood. She was a little sad, but she didn't ask me to reconsider.</p><p>Our Christmas Eve date wasn't complete without exchanging gifts. I was paranoid that Nanako and Dojima would be home soon. We had to do this before they arrived. When Rise closed the blinds over the sliding glass door, this was when I knew for certain that we had gotten each other the same gift. She sat back down, nervously pulling at her hands and biting her lip.</p><p>"So," began Rise. "Umm, I know you're probably upset over your grandfather. And I know things between us haven't been perfect. I wish I knew how to talk to you about <em>everything</em>. I wish I could help you not feel lost anymore. I know you have to work on all of this yourself… But—I'm here for you, too. Sometimes I feel like you forget that."</p><p>"I don't want to burden you with my problems… I would feel terrible if I did that. Ever since I can remember, I've had to learn to handle my issues on my own. I know that you're here."</p><p>Rise stared down at the table. "You <em>know, </em>but you only let me in halfway," she pointed out.</p><p>"I'm trying," I said.</p><p>She smiled wistfully. "I like that you are. I'm trying not to nag as much when I need your attention."</p><p>I glanced at the bag with her gift. "I'm not always terrible at sharing my feelings with you."</p><p>Rise blushed. "You're the best at letting your body do the talking," she reminded me. "No matter what, I can count on the sex we have together. Still, this is a little awkward… I keep thinking I bought you the wrong thing at the wrong time."</p><p>"Funny, I feel the same way."</p><p>"Maybe that's not so bad, then," said Rise. She laughed softly. "How about…we close our eyes and put our gifts on the table at the same time. Then I'll count to three and we'll both look."</p><p>We both closed our eyes and rummaged through our respective bags. I set Rise's gift on the table. I heard her put mine over the surface. If we really did buy the same thing…</p><p>"Okay, ready? One, two…three!"</p><p>When I looked and saw that we <em>did </em>in fact purchase the same gift, I almost couldn't believe it. Rise broke out into a fit of giggles. Her laughter was infectious; soon I was in stitches, laughing right with her. On the table sat two dildos complete with durable harnesses. The one Rise bought for me was dark blue with a black harness. The one I bought for her—for me to use—was pitch black with a red harness. Rise managed to come sit with me on my side of the table, comparing the dildo sizes side-by-side.</p><p>"The same size!?" she said, cracking up again. "How?!"</p><p>"I don't—I don't know! It just happened!"</p><p>We laughed so hard that we didn't hear the front door open. Rise had fallen over me, giggling in my lap. I was doubled over her, practically crying into her hair. This whole time while I had been miserable, and <em>she </em>had been miserable over me being miserable, we couldn't stop thinking about sex. I'd gone out of my way to have the unmarked package mailed to Chie's house to keep Rise from finding it. I had regretted purchasing it, thinking Rise would have found it in poor taste. Finding out that wasn't the case at all, and that she had done and thought the exact same thing…it honestly brought us closer together.</p><p>Nanako walked over to us. "Are you two okay?" she asked, concerned. "Oh! What are those?"</p><p>She saw the strap-ons and moved to get a better look at them.</p><p>Rise reacted immediately. "Nanako-chan, no!" she cried, bodily blocking her view of the table. "There's nothing here! You didn't see anything!"</p><p>"Rise-chan, are those bananas? Did you dye them?! Do they taste good? I wanna try!"</p><p>I barely stuffed the strap-ons into my bag by the time Dojima entered the house. I was a mess from laughing this much. Rise had no luck whatsoever trying to convince Nanako to forget what she had seen; Nanako grew increasingly excited at the thought of bananas dyed different colors for fun.</p><p>"Dad, guess what?" said Nanako, going to Dojima by the door. "Naoto-kun and Rise-chan are eating dyed bananas! Can we make some? Please?"</p><p>Dojima scratched his head, confused. "Dyed <em>what</em>, now?" he asked.</p><p>Nanako went on about what she believed she had seen. Rise had visibly given up on damage control as she stood in the middle of the room. I tried not to laugh anymore, but I couldn't stop it. Dojima got the idea once he saw me laughing. He was alarmed at first. I expected him to blow up and scold us. He decided not to. After much insistence, he humored Nanako and promised they would dye some fruit for fun later on. Excited, she went to her room to change out of her coat.</p><p>Dojima went over to Rise, eyeing her suspiciously. "Were you two…?"</p><p>"No!" said Rise, desperate. "We weren't doing anything… Naoto slept late, so we were just now giving each other our real Christmas presents. It's kind of a funny story…we didn't hear Nanako walk in or we would have hid them from her."</p><p>"<em>Real</em>, huh?" asked Dojima, amused.</p><p>Rise bowed to him. "We're sorry!"</p><p>"No, no, it's all right," replied Dojima in good humor. "As long as she didn't see anything. I haven't had that talk with her yet… You reminded me that I'd better do it soon."</p><p>"Oh, don't worry, Dojima-san. Nanako-chan and I talked about that already!"</p><p>"You…you did? When?"</p><p>Rise sat down with her back against mine. "On her birthday back in October," she answered. "She said some older boy wrote her a weird letter as a birthday gift. It was obvious he was asking her out, but she didn't get it. Then that discussion turned into way more. Nanako-chan's comfortable talking to me about anything. She's adorable when she gets curious and asks lots of questions."</p><p>"That was very responsible of you. I appreciate it, Rise. She really looks up to you two. I'm glad you're setting a good example for her. And Naoto, it's good to see you laugh. Don't think I have before."</p><p>I cleared my throat. "I'm not sure I've ever laughed like that."</p><p>Dojima smiled warmly at us. "You both bring out the best in each other," he said. "Not to talk badly about my nephew, but I'm glad Rise found you instead. This home is much brighter with you here together." Rise looked fondly over her shoulder at me. I grinned at her, sheepish. "Ah, well, I'd better find some fruit for Nanako. I should search online for how to dye it…"</p><hr/><p>Hope was a nearby sun as the week passed to New Year's Eve. My grandfather had been much better when I visited him with Rise on Christmas Day. I had always gone to see him by myself before then. Having her with me had reminded me of how supportive she was. As far away as my grandfather was in his hospital bed, he seemed to be happy that I was with someone. The nurses had said he hadn't been nearly as responsive as when Rise was there visiting him with me. Because of that, I was a little apprehensive about seeing him by myself tonight. I felt like I had to do this alone, though.</p><p>Rise dropped me off at the hospital late that night. We had spent the day ice skating with Chie, Nanako and Kanji. I was in a better mood than usual as I passed through the halls lit by the moonlight outside. One of Risette's fans had sent me a letter. I wanted to wait until I was in my grandfather's room before reading it. When I got there, he had more equipment surrounding him this time. I stood at his bedside in the dark room. The curtains over the windows were wide open, showing a view of Inaba covered in snow. Droves of people were outside in anticipation of the countdown celebrations at the shrine. I was so far-removed from that happiness, watching my grandfather breathe through a tube. He was such an intelligent, capable man who had accomplished many feats during his lifelong career as a detective. Now he was here, perhaps without truly knowing <em>why </em>anymore.</p><p>If the doctors' predictions were correct, this might have been my last chance to speak with him. I knew he couldn't respond to me. Still, I had to do it. This was important.</p><p>"It's good to see you again," I greeted. "I'm sorry I haven't visited very often. It sounds selfish…I've been out with my friends while you were here alone or with our other family members. The truth is that I haven't stopped thinking about you. Around this time last year, I knew exactly where I would be down the line. Then you fell ill, and that affected my opportunities as well. I didn't realize how much the odds are stacked against me…how hard you fought to give me what I had before. I've been feeling lost lately without that direction. I couldn't grasp the possibility that my purpose in life doesn't lie within a police station or out in the field, investigating a case… I'm finally starting to rethink that."</p><p>I turned over the envelope in my hands. I wasn't sure if I should read it. My grandfather shakily reached his hand out, as if to ask me to read the letter to him. The gesture pricked at my stoic front. I opened the envelope and unfolded the letter, reading it out loud.</p><p>
  <em>Dear Naoto,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I hope this finds you well through all the snow. I've watched you on TV holding Risette's hand, opening doors for her, and just being very cool and awesome. Everyone says you're her boyfriend. There are lots of rumors online that say you're really a girl and you like to dress however you want. I'm fifteen years old. I'm gay and I haven't told anyone except my friends. I'm terrified of my family finding out in case they disown me. I have nightmares about my dad killing me if he found out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sometimes I like to steal my mom's dresses out of her closet and wear them when no one is home. I hated myself for it. Then I saw you and Risette together. I went online and read the fan theories about you on many message boards. Are you and Risette girlfriends? If you are, do you like to wear men's clothes? I like to believe these things. It gives me hope that there are more people like me out there. I'm not afraid anymore when I see you on TV with her. My online friends feel the same as I do. I'll understand if you can't answer my questions… I only want you to know how brave you are. We admire you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I love Risette's new music. She makes the best songs with you as her muse. Please ask her to tour in Nagasaki soon. I would love to see you there, too.</em>
</p><p>I saw the smallest smile on my grandfather's face. He approved. He held my hand, telling me everything I needed to know. If the system wouldn't let me work in the field I wanted, then it was my job to break down the beliefs that had barred me in the first place. I could do that simply by being myself and letting others see that I wasn't afraid. For all the critics writing articles wondering about my gender and Risette's sexuality, there were as many other people out there who were inspired to be themselves. Giving them a voice was the only way to bring about change. Rise did the same with her music, making people think and wonder… Realizing all of this, I couldn't fault her manager for believing in her.</p><p>I explained my thoughts to my grandfather. Standing here, holding his hand, I knew that he heard me. I knew that he recognized me, that he sympathized with me. As he listened, as the time passed, his hold over my hand grew weaker and weaker. I understood that this was my last conversation with him…</p><p>"You know better than anyone how independent I am. Rise wants me to share my burdens with her. She's very compassionate and loving… She makes me believe that someone could love my scowl and not judge me for it. Even if that same scowl is pushing her away, she still loves it. Rise actually loves me the way I am. I didn't think that was possible. I love her so much. I should hold onto her…shouldn't I?"</p><p>My grandfather smiled one last time. His hand slipped from mine. His heart monitor gave off that endless sound. Nurses and doctors rushed in the room, trying to resuscitate him. They couldn't. He was gone.</p><p>I went outside to sit in the hall. I stared at the sterile white floor, bright with the moonlight's reflection. I had gotten used to bottling my emotions away. I'd had such skewed views of gender as a child, up until now. Back when I believed I wanted to be a man, I'd told myself that it was a sign of weakness to cry. I didn't want to be weak. There was no one around to see me. The nurses hurrying past were too busy doing their jobs. They expected visitors to be upset, to cry when their loved ones died. Still, I refused.</p><p>Calling Rise was unwise. I couldn't get my voice to work. I sent her a text instead. She quickly made her way to the hospital. When she found me here, it was nearly midnight. She sat at my side, holding me around my shoulders. Almost like Kanji the other night, she was unnerved by my lack of emotion. I was an expert at this. Clenching my jaw, focusing, balancing the few tears brimming over my eyes to keep them from falling, playing a waiting game until they dried, only for more to come back, and starting the whole thing over again…</p><p>"Naoto," said Rise, shaking me. "Naoto! Can you hear me? It's like you're not there…"</p><p>"I'm here. Thank you for coming."</p><p>Rise stared at me in horror. This was the only way I knew how to cope. She knew that. "I'm sorry about your grandfather… I promise I'm not going anywhere. I'll be by your side…if you'll let me. Even if you won't, that's not going to stop me. You're not alone, you know."</p><p>By the windows in front of us, Margaret appeared in her same deep blue dress. She had her arms folded, watching us with much amusement. Something about her aura gave away the reason for her visiting me here. I had been avoiding my trip into what had become of the TV World. She had to know that I was too weak to go any time soon. That was why she was amused. She loved observing me.</p><p>My weakness entertained her.</p><p>"It's almost midnight," noticed Rise, staring down at the watch she'd given me. "I know this is a terrible time… Maybe you can't hear me." Her voice trembled with apprehension, with fear. I regarded her, letting her know this way that I heard everything she said. Rise's face reddened. "I've never been with anyone at New Year's before. I won't blame you if you'd rather not… Do you want to kiss me?"</p><p>The hands over my watch ticked closer to the twelfth hour. We barely heard Inaba counting down with excitement beyond the windows. Margaret's stare pierced me open, helping me to feel again. The sincerity of Rise's plea heated a deep, treasured place within me. I held her face in my hands, staring into her eyes first. I watched the soft hazel of her eyes dart back and forth, trembling as a child would. Rise was terrified of me pushing her away in my unseen sorrow. She moved me to emotion, making me work harder to keep these waves contained. Like in the way she loved me, I didn't think it was possible…yet she did it so easily. Right as the distant joy echoed through the town, I brought my lips to hers. I tasted her disbelief that I did this, her distress that I might end this kiss too soon. Her quivering mouth, her hesitating tongue, her sharp breaths—I needed all of this to reach through and hold onto me. She kept me from falling into an empty, stoic wasteland: the same place where I'd been before we found each other.</p><p>When I pulled away, Rise kept her forehead over mine, eyes closed in quiet bliss. I held her for a while until Margaret finally decided to disappear. I knew I had to leave this hospital. There was nothing here for me anymore. I didn't want to deal with the talks about a funeral or family gathering. I got up and left down the hall. I heard Rise calling my name. She followed after me, hurrying to catch up. Her determination to not let me be alone was all that kept me from breaking down.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Bad Ending</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Leaving the hospital amid the cheering and celebrations right after midnight amplified everything I felt and didn't feel. Everyone around me was happy. They looked relatively normal. They abided by society's unwritten laws. They knew what it was like to treasure family and friends. I was such an outsider. The last Shirogane, and I couldn't even cry over my grandfather passing away. The last one, and I couldn't continue the family line. I couldn't work, I couldn't fall back on non-existent discrimination laws, I couldn't sue, I couldn't object and I couldn't complain because only a handful of people in this world truly acknowledged my voice. And the main person—I was too proud to let her see me like this.</p><p>I was upset that she wanted to be with someone who couldn't feel. She deserved more than that.</p><p>Past the automatic doors, back out to the chill of the snow, I stopped, watching my breaths blowing out in front of me. I didn't know where my car was. Rise had driven it here. While I looked around for it, she caught up to me.</p><p>Rise locked her arms around mine closest to her. "Wait!" she said. "Will you talk to me? Or do you want to leave me here and run away?"</p><p>"I wouldn't leave you here," I replied, unable to look at her. "Where is the car?"</p><p>Reluctantly, Rise walked us to the parking space. I heard other people nearby whispering about us, like they thought I couldn't hear. Sometimes, being outside of school with Rise was a culture shock. Yaso High by and large accepted us being together. Other strangers in Inaba and Tokyo…they were far more judgmental. I'd had to adapt my PR persona of not smiling at anyone except for Rise. I didn't go out of my way to look intimidating, but if it happened, it benefitted us. Regardless of it being culturally impolite to start a scene, I constantly expected someone to bother us outright. I felt my resentment building again. Anyone who thought bisexuality or homosexuality was a choice was only fooling themselves. Who would willingly subject themselves to this type of public scrutiny? Who would purposely take on this burden by straying from what was acceptable? It would have been much easier to follow the norm.</p><p>At times like these, I wanted to believe that Rise would have been happier with a nice boy. Or at least someone who wasn't as complicated as I was.</p><p>But I knew her…I knew that this wasn't the case at all.</p><p>Rise drove us to the Shirogane estate. I was too frazzled to drive myself. My grandfather's caretakers were on their way to the hospital and wouldn't be back until later in the evening for his wake. My old home was the only place where Rise and I could be alone for a while. On the way there, I checked my phone—both Chie and Kanji had sent me text messages with their condolences. Some of my other family members sent more aggressive messages asking me why I didn't immediately notify them of the news. I turned my phone off and put it back in my pocket.</p><p>I felt my hand gripped tighter by Rise's free one. I had to stop running away from her support.</p><p>When we arrived to my old home, I expected everything to be in shambles. Seeing how clean and orderly the interior was…it unnerved me. It didn't match with the last memory I had of this place. I took Rise's coat off for her and showed her around a bit. I knew that the futon in my room needed to air out in the sunlight, so I went to find a replacement. The door to my bedroom had been taken off the hinges. Someone had cleaned up the torn papers I'd left behind. The window was closed. No one could have guessed that I'd escaped in a hurry. Rise went to look at my legal textbooks on the shelves while I changed the futon. I hadn't realized how much my room felt like a black and blue office instead of a homely bedroom. Comparing it to Rise's warmer and more comfortable room made me feel this way.</p><p>"What are you going to do about this house?" she asked. "Will you be able to keep it?"</p><p>I finished setting the other futon down, replying, "No, my grandfather wrote in his will that he wants me to sell the estate. It's a good idea. I don't see the point in wasting my inheritance money on monthly housing bills. I'd rather invest it elsewhere. Honestly, I'm surprised he left everything to me… He must have trusted that I'd know what to do with what's left of our legacy. I can't disappoint him."</p><p>"Are you upset over him being gone…?"</p><p>I didn't blame her for asking.</p><p>"It's complicated," I said. "Anyone else would be inconsolable at a time like this. I feel more upset that I'm <em>not </em>upset… I'm upset that you care this much about me."</p><p>Rise sat down over my futon with me—watching, waiting. "I don't think you're weird or anything."</p><p>That was comforting to hear. "I'm glad you don't," I answered. "I needed to know for certain."</p><p>Then she gathered her courage to ask:</p><p>"Naoto, is it just me, or…is there something else bothering you? I've been too scared to bring it up… Ever since summer, you haven't been the same. All this time, I thought you were sad about your grandfather. Hearing you say you're not all that affected by him dying makes me feel like I was wrong. You told me the other day that you feel lost. I remember that. But I keep getting this feeling that I messed up and you're shutting me out on purpose. So…is that true?"</p><p>I stared at my TV across from us. Rise grew anxious by my silence. She held my face in her hands, making me face her.</p><p>"Tell me!" she said. "What is it? What did I do?! I can't stand this feeling… It's like you hate me…"</p><p>"Rise, if I'm going to do this, then you have to be honest with me."</p><p>"Of course I will… Give me a minute to think first."</p><p>There was no avoiding this. I wished I could have avoided a confrontation… I hated arguments, heated disagreements… I thought back to every single time one of our friends had said that I didn't know Rise at all. Or that they saw a different side of her—one that I had been blind to. If she truly was the proxy for that grossly illegal security breach as a cover-up for this scandal of her nudes leaking—for press, for attention, for controversy, for this freedom to do as she pleased with her career—then I had to make a choice. For now, I needed to hear her side of the story. I needed to find out if Margaret had only twisted the truth around to upset me.</p><p>Rise looked terribly nervous. Almost nauseous. I couldn't let that stop me.</p><p>"As you know," I began, "I've been spending a lot of time looking into this new perspective in the TV. After I learned what had happened to you with that photographer, I decided to find out who had leaked your pictures from that photoshoot. I didn't want to ask you any uncomfortable questions…I conducted the investigation on my own with the help of these programs. At first, I wasn't sure what I could possibly find out from spying on you and the others. I learned many details about Yukiko and Yu, their relationship, and why Yukiko hates you. I watched your dreams. None of this gave me any substantial answers…only speculation as to everyone's characters and motivations. And then, back in August, I watched a memory that belonged to you. Or at least, I think it's yours."</p><p>Hollow, she asked me, "Which one…?"</p><p>"April twelfth—of last year, now that we're in 2013. The afternoon Kanji and I invited you to the arcade. You received a phone call…"</p><p>Rise had the courage to keep eye contact with me. I saw how afraid she was. "Did you listen to it?"</p><p>"Miss Ochimizu said that she knew the person at the phone company—the one responsible for the breach. She planned on leaking your pictures at the same time as the breach. You knew about this."</p><p>Defensive, angry, Rise bit back at me—"Yeah, and I also begged her not to do it!"</p><p>"Why didn't you report her—?"</p><p>"Naoto, you heard her! You heard <em>everything! </em>She blackmailed me! She's blackmailing me right now! If I don't keep quiet, she's going to use all her powerful connections to take me down! It's the same thing you're dealing with now…how everyone at your job is staying silent, how the ones in charge get to dictate what you do and don't do with your talents…"</p><p>"That's a false equivalence if I ever heard one," I argued.</p><p>"How?! How is it not the exact same thing?"</p><p>"There are no laws keeping them from discriminating against me! Japan doesn't have a single anti-discriminatory law in place for the freaks like me! What they're doing isn't illegal, just immoral. Even if I came forward with how they blacklisted me, I would get nowhere without a legal precedent for my claims… What your manager did in orchestrating that breach was clearly against the law! In saying nothing, that makes you complicit! Don't you understand?!"</p><p>"It's the same because I can't say anything!" she fought back. "If I did the <em>right thing </em>by telling on her, she'd sling so much mud at me that no one would take me seriously! Miss Ochimizu is powerful enough to erase the law! Why don't <em>you </em>see that!?"</p><p>I rolled my eyes in disbelief. "You could have tried."</p><p>"You could have tried, too, Detective Prince. Guess what? You didn't fight! You gave up."</p><p>That was true. My pride didn't want to accept it—not now, not ever. "And what did you do, Rise?" I asked her. "Did you <em>try? </em>Or did you stay quiet?"</p><p>Rise pushed me down to the futon, getting on top of me to make her point—"You didn't watch all of my memories from that day, did you?" she asked, staring me down. I shouldn't have been aroused by her assertiveness. Not like this. But I was… I could only scowl instead of answering. "While you were on your way back here after walking me home, I called my mother. My mother! I hadn't spoken to her in years… I cried like a baby and begged her to help me. To do <em>something. </em>To do what parents are supposed to do when their kids are in trouble. And you know what she told me? She said if I messed up this 'Risette money' for her and the rest of our family, then she'd join in on the mud-slinging, too! If my own mother is talking shit about me during a legal battle, who's the public going to side with? Go on, tell me!"</p><p>"The public's opinion doesn't matter in a court of law—"</p><p>"—it matters when I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my career! My reputation would have been ruined from Miss Ochimizu going after me. No one's going to hire some has-been idol whose own family talked down on her to the news, to the internet, to everyone! I couldn't have any type of job after that! Not as an idol, or a receptionist, or a cashier at some fast food place… I would have been as good as dead!"</p><p>Here we were again. Right back to speaking two different languages on different planets.</p><p>Rise combed her hands through my hair in frustration. "Listen to yourself, Naoto," she chided. "You want to be the white knight. You want justice to win. You're missing the <em>people </em>part of it. I wouldn't have had anyone on my side… You have absolutely no idea what it's like to have a mother who only sees you as a money-making machine. You don't know what it's like to have a father who means well, but who's too afraid to stand up for his own child when it matters most. You don't get what happens to peoples' lives when their reputations go to shit for doing the right thing! God, you're so fucking naïve!"</p><p>Was I naïve…? Perhaps that was why the police force had looked down on me for being so young. They knew I didn't have the life experience to analyze cases from this kind of angle. After reconsidering, everything Rise said made sense to me… She saw the understanding in my face and calmed down.</p><p>Rise let out an exasperated sigh. "Why didn't you ask me about this sooner?"</p><p>"…I didn't want to believe it had happened in the first place. I couldn't accept that you had stayed quiet with the intention of profiting from this scandal. Thankfully, part of my instinct was right. You didn't <em>want </em>to stay quiet and profit from everything. Deep down, you wanted to do what was right…only you knew that it would have been an uphill battle that you couldn't win."</p><p>"There wasn't some part of you that thought I was just a dirty opportunist, was there?"</p><p>I felt like a fool for letting Margaret plant that idea in my head. "I had to consider as many angles as possible," I replied. "That one made no sense to me… That was why I rejected the whole thing completely. Only it weighed on me—in the back of my mind, in my heart… I'm sorry." Rise's expression softened in concern when I laughed at myself. "My family legacy is dead. I'm a failed detective. No wonder <em>my </em>reputation in this career is finished… I should have known exactly what you meant earlier. I'm having a difficult time…wrapping my head around the idea that my intellect alone isn't enough in life. That and the law were all I believed in for the longest. I suppose old habits are hard to break…"</p><p>After everything, Rise was still sympathetic to me. "You believed in me, didn't you? Through all your doubts and every effort you made to deny this ever happening…you kept your promise to me. You said you would always be on my side. You didn't turn on me. Right?"</p><p>"In a strange way, that's correct…I avoided it by ignoring the issue and creating more problems for us."</p><p>Rise leaned down, holding me tightly. "I don't care about the rest," she whispered. "The law is all you've known, like you said. It's part of who you are. You had every reason to break your promise—to accuse me of everything under the sun—and you didn't. I watched you struggle for months. I watched you agonize and come back to me every single time. That means more to me than anything else…" I had no idea what to say. I'd already apologized, but it didn't feel like that was enough. "Naoto…do you need to see <em>me </em>for yourself? If you could take a walk through my shoes, would that help you understand?"</p><p>"Yes, it would," I said. Rise moved off from me, determined all of a sudden. "What's going on?"</p><p>She held her hand out. "Give me your pen-thing. You know, the one for the TV."</p><p>I handed it to her, asking, "What is this for?"</p><p>"That lady in the blue dress, the one we saw in front of the Hollow Forest—she came to me in my dream last night. She said that if I turn to my channel and write to her, that I can show you some of my other memories inside the TV. <em>Telling</em> you about them wouldn't be enough. I want to see if this'll work."</p><p>While Rise used the pen to write over the screen, I turned away, facing the wall; breathing steadily to calm myself. I couldn't blame Margaret for not showing me Rise's other memory—the one of her crying to her mother on the phone. I only had myself to blame for this. Then again, if I'd confronted Rise earlier, I wouldn't have trusted her enough to truly listen to her side of the story. I hadn't been ready back then. After having her infinite support over the months, I was bound to her love.</p><p>There <em>were </em>a few things to blame Margaret for. She had placed that memory right in Tokyo, knowing that I would have met Ochimizu soon after. There, I would have confronted Rise in private; I would have asked her she'd disallowed me from watching her program while she was in the city, so that I wouldn't have eavesdropped on any conversations about the pictures between her and her manager. And Rise, caught off guard, would have played the amnesia card to avoid answering my questions. And I would have pointed out her impeccable memory…how she'd claimed and proven a few times that she didn't forget anything.</p><p>I had the strongest feeling that this was what Margaret had expected to happen. She wanted to watch, to observe, for her entertainment… Was I some puppet to her? Was my relationship with Rise a big spectacle for her to test her hypotheses on? Was the world's morality at large something she thought she could toy with through my perspective? If this was true, she was no better than Izanami herself.</p><p>"Hey," said Rise. "Come here, babe."</p><p>It felt strange to hear her call me that after such a terrible argument. Strange, but comforting. I went to her side in front of the television. The screen showed a foggy image.</p><p>"What do you see?" she asked.</p><p>"Nothing but fog," I replied.</p><p>"Mmm, I think we have to go inside," she guessed, holding my hand. "I picked the memories that matter the most to me, starting from when I was fourteen… I haven't told anyone about most of them. The last one is the conversation I had with my mother that night. This should be enough for now. Ready?"</p><p>"Yes… Thank you for doing this. And for forgiving me as well."</p><p>Rise smiled at me. "Thanks for keeping your promise through the worst of it," she said. She reached her hand through the screen. The mist rippled like raindrops over a river. As she went all the way through, she eased me into this new TV World with her, trusting me with these secrets of her past.</p><hr/><p>Fourteen years old.</p><p>Three and a half years ago.</p><p>Our last year of middle school.</p><p>This was when Rise lived in Inaba with her parents, shortly before she became famous.</p><p>One winter afternoon, Rise was in the large family den at Marukyu Tofu. She was in front of the TV in her school uniform, dancing along to an American music video. Her grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins sat around as her audience, cheering and praising her performance. She had just gotten word some days ago that she'd been accepted to audition for an acting role. Her brief acting career would eventually lead to her crossover as a music performer. Rise looked forward to the opportunity to make friends in the industry, as she had none at school. She was deeply desperate for success. Not for herself, but for others. All she wanted was to have a friend she could count on. She couldn't have that in this point in her life. Not with most people at her middle school bullying her for being too shy or weird.</p><p>Her mother arrived outside, loudly blowing her car horn. With a look of dread, Rise left the den amid her family's excitement about her budding career. She stopped just by the doors with her school bag. It was an odd sight to see Marukyu Tofu without the bustle of customers that had followed since later Rise's success. Her grandmother approached her, asking what was wrong. Rise shook her head and said she didn't want to go home—that this shop was more of a home to her than her parents' house was. Sympathetic, her grandmother held her, reassuring her that they would spend more time together soon.</p><p>Rise's mother burst through the door, demanding that they hurry along. She gripped Rise's wrist and tried to pull her out. Rise's grandmother feebly protested. Venomous, Rise's mother hurled verbal abuse at both of them, asserting that she could do whatever she wanted with her 'little prodigy.' She threatened to take Rise and never come back if she didn't have her way. Sensing defeat, Rise was forced to go home with her. She plodded through the snow to her mother's car, not saying a word during the ride. Her mother chastised her for thinking she could stand up for herself.</p><p>"You don't talk back to your mother—to anyone! Don't you know what a girl is supposed to do? She respects her elders!"</p><p>Rise soured her expression. She looked like she'd had enough of this. "What about you?" she snapped. "You disrespect <em>your </em>elders. You don't respect your mother. Don't you see you're just another bully? You don't care about us at all…"</p><p>Her mother slammed on her brakes in the middle of traffic. My view of the scene cut out right as she was about to hit her own child.</p><p>A time skip—some hours later—to Rise standing with her head down and shoulders slouched in the middle of her living room. The side of her face was red with her mother's hand mark traced violently over her skin wet with tears. Her mother was in front of her, yelling at her father; making an example of Rise's <em>bad behavior, </em>as if it were such a terrible spectacle to report on and shame her for. Rise's father stood there watching helplessly as his wife went on and on about the incident. He said nothing. Nothing at all. He was a victim to his wife's tyranny.</p><p>Suddenly, this felt all too familiar. I remembered how Yu had simply stood there watching Chie and Yukiko bully Rise to tears that day at the train station. And again, over the summer, when I had stood up for her against Yosuke and Yukiko, Yu had had nothing to say. I hadn't been nearly as silent at the train station. But now I understood why the drama last year had affected her that deeply.</p><p>Later that night, Rise was alone in her bedroom. She hadn't eaten dinner, too afraid to run into her mother on the way to the kitchen. Instead, she stayed awake, browsing the internet on her laptop. She watched porn for hours. At first, she tried watching straight porn. Something about it turned her off. Rise skipped through several lesbian videos, very discerning, like she knew what she was looking for and none of these fit. Finally, she found one that was to her tastes. It looked like hentai of a familiar anime. Two female characters met up at school, speaking shyly about mundane things. One of them wore their <em>gakuran </em>like a boy<em>, </em>and the other wore a normal girls' uniform. This was before she and I had met each other… Yet here she was, watching hentai with a similar dynamic to our relationship today. The more boyish character let her partner call the shots once they made it behind the bleachers in the field. The more feminine character wanted the other one to finger her underneath her skirt, to fuck her hard. Other students—I assumed their friends—watched them gleefully from in front of the bleachers. Both of them knew that they were being watched. They enjoyed it. They didn't stop.</p><p>Rise watched this a few times. I got the impression that she would have touched herself if she hadn't been upset about the rest of her day.</p><p>She showed me a few other memories from around the same time—her mother being a dictator, verbally and physically abusing her, her father being silent and passive, children at school being cruel to her, and Rise finding solace only in her acting classes, her dancing and singing classes, her upcoming success. She made sure to show me how much she needed this career. She also showed me how much she had been prepared to sacrifice her career in order to do the right thing:</p><p>Another skip—to last year, to April, to the night after I'd walked her home. Rise sat in bed, staring at her phone in her hand, looking anxious. Her hand shook so much. I expected her to drop her phone at any moment. She brought up my number. She meant to call me. She thought long and hard about it before stopping herself. I sensed her thoughts—<em>'There's no way she'd hear me out… Besides, she's a detective. I can just hear her telling me I need to stop being afraid and turn my manager in. I don't want to mess this up. I really like her… I can't risk turning her off. I should have snuck her up here with me. Does she like me at all? Naoto's so hard to read…' </em>Rise moaned loudly, collapsing against her resigned herself to do <em>something </em>about this. To try and speak up. Hands shaking still, she dialed her mother's number…</p><p>"<em>What is it, Risette?"</em></p><p>Rise winced in pain. "Hi," she said. "I need to talk to you…"</p><p>"<em>Is it about my money? Your father and I have bills to pay! You said you were going back to the business soon. What's taking so long?"</em></p><p>"Mom, my manager's trying to blackmail me… She did something really bad. I want to call the police. If I do that, she says she's going to ruin my career. Can you help—?"</p><p>"<em>Ruin your career!? Over you snitching to the cops? You'd better keep your mouth shut, then!"</em></p><p>"What?! If I don't say anything, I'll get in trouble whenever they find out what she did—"</p><p>"<em>Shut the hell up, you hear me? You're messing with my money! My Risette money! All that money I put down for your little acting and singing classes? All that food I put in your stomach and the clothes I put over your ungrateful back? You owe me! That woman is a genius to be able to make a star out of you. Tell on her and the media will hear about you opening your legs on purpose for that damn photographer you blamed!" </em>Just like earlier in the day, Rise sobbed and sobbed. <em>"No, don't start! Your lawyer told me what a little slut you are. Boys at school don't talk to you, so you set up that poor man, thinking it'd make you famous! That's all you're good for…lying, being disrespectful, using everyone around you—"</em></p><p>"Mom, please, stop this! <em>I need your help! </em>I'm not a slut, I'm not a liar; I'm not any of those things!"</p><p>"<em>You're lying right now! That fake image is what gets you paid, isn't it!? You don't fool me! I brought you into this world—I know exactly what you are. I know you better than anyone will. Say one word about whatever the hell your manager did, and I'll tell the whole world about what you are—"</em></p><p>Rise hung up on her. She cried the whole time it took me to get back home. She only stopped once she received my text, letting her know I'd made it back. I watched her text me, and then curl up into a ball over her bed, waiting for my response, springing to life once I replied, and then curling back up again. There were many times when she wrote me messages that she ended up deleting in the end:</p><p>"<em>If something like the train station thing happened again, would you protect me?"</em></p><p>"<em>When we see Yukiko-senpai and Chie-senpai at school tomorrow, I might have a nervous breakdown. You aren't weird about girls with problems, are you? I have a lot of them. I'm messed up. I want you to fuck me so hard that I forget about everything… Naoto-kun, are you into that? Are you into sex? There are some stupid rumors going around that you're asexual. I had to look up what it actually means. I learned a lot about sexuality that day."</em></p><p>"<em>I've totally had a legit crush on you since the ski trip in February, you know. Do you…have a crush on me? I felt something between us at the arcade earlier. Or…am I wrong? Am I just clinging to how strong you are? Am I imagining things?"</em></p><p>"<em>There are tons of studies out there that say kids will turn out gay if their parents abused them. Something about how the kid is looking for fulfillment in the wrong places… Do you think that's true?"</em></p><p>"<em>What's it like, not having any parents?"</em></p><p>"<em>I hate the idea of someone else bossing me around. But I kind of don't… Depending on the person, I might get off to it. I don't like that I like it. Then again, that's part of why…I like it. This is too weird… I still want to know more. I feel like I could trust you with these things. Like we could explore this together. Like you wouldn't judge me. You make me feel safe. I haven't felt like this around anyone…ever."</em></p><p>"<em>Naoto-kun, if I'm ever in a bind, and I need the best detective in the world on my side, could I count on you? Something bad's going to happen in the morning. I might get in trouble for it. If I told you my story, would you help me? Would you do anything for me? Would you find a way to do the impossible and save me?"</em></p><hr/><p>When the memories were over, Rise pulled me back out to my room.</p><p>I stared at the black screen, finding myself in the real world again. I hadn't been inside the TV since last year, yet I remembered the old feeling clearly. Coming back felt much different this time. The shadows that had been in my heart, hiding most of my feelings away, were suddenly gone. I <em>felt </em>everything as freshly as an open wound. Feeling the chill in my room from the snow outside in the dark morning, feeling Rise's soft hand in mine and every bit of love I had for her—this was brand new. The colors in my room and the colors of Rise's clothes were much more distinct to me than they were before. I saw everything in a new light, felt everything in an old, once-forgotten warmth.</p><p>Rise caressed my arm closest to hers. "Hey, you okay?" she asked.</p><p>Our reflections were dark against the screen. I unstuck my voice from my throat, telling her, "I had no idea…no idea that any of that had happened to you."</p><p>"Well, now you know all the reasons why I'm in therapy… Those trashy tabloids love calling me bipolar. I'm not. Dealing with PTSD isn't the same thing. I can't talk about my past to the press. I know my mother would find some way to spin the story against me. Other than that, I'm all right."</p><p>"I don't believe those stories online… I would never betray your trust and tell anyone about this. Not even Kanji or Chie-senpai. You have my word."</p><p>The way Rise managed to smile made my heart ache. "I know, and I trust you," she said. "That's why I love you, Naoto." She glanced at the futon, at the blizzard outside. "Looks like we're not having a date at the shrine later on. The storm's pretty bad. I wanted to wear my kimono for you… Oh well. Can we have our New Year's breakfast here once we wake up?"</p><p>"Yes, there should be some food in the kitchen," I answered. "Rise—don't you…?"</p><p>"…let's talk about it some other time. Change out of your shirt and pants. I like when you wear your undershirt and boxer briefs. Lie down and wait for me. I'll go turn on the heat."</p><p>I did as she asked, moving slower than usual. I couldn't stop thinking about those painful images from Rise's memories. I kept thinking I'd done the same to her. Months I'd spent not saying anything, not sharing enough with her—all the while she quietly suffered, only letting me see her pain whenever she lashed out at me during arguments. Again, I thought back to Margaret—the sick pleasure she must have gotten from manipulating my strings so, as only a puppet master would. She <em>knew </em>how devoted I was—had been—to the law, to doing the right thing. She knew I would have doubted Rise, our relationship, my place in the world…everything. She put me through this anyway, all to see how I'd react.</p><p>The heat soon reached me as I lay down in my tank and boxer briefs. Eventually, Rise came back in the room. She wore the same as me, but with tight black shorts instead. She hung up her other clothes in my closet, then lay down with me. I didn't wait for her to ask me to hold her, or for her to wrap my arms around her first like I'd been doing for too long. I surprised myself, and her, with how tightly I held her. I was ablaze with too many emotions at once. Margaret had been <em>this close</em> to watching me walk away from my relationship. She wouldn't have cared. She wasn't human—it wasn't in her capacity to <em>care</em>.</p><p>She who ruled over all power stood vigil over the forces that had silenced Rise for years. The power behind Ochimizu, behind Rise's mother, and behind the ones who held my career hostage—Margaret was the illusory focal point of it all. Whatever <em>power </em>was made up of, she was the one who controlled it.</p><p>This situation wasn't any better than the rest. If Dojima's investigation turned up anything on Rise or her manager, then that was it. I would have been powerless against him taking her away from me. Was there some way to fight against this? I'd started this investigation into Rise's photographs on my own and failed. If I got obsessed with some other cause, that would have only caused more problems for us. I couldn't let that happen. I stayed awake for a long while, listening to Rise relax and fall asleep. I had to focus on her. Once I'd made up for lost time, then I could find some way to pull off the impossible. I assumed that by the time her career picked up in full force, I'd have the time to devote to this.</p><p>Thinking about it in itself was larger than life—beyond me. That was how it had to be—for now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. New Game Plus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Snowy winds so thick, they were like mist—I was stuck in this dream, at a crossroads I didn't recognize.</em>
</p><p>'<em>The game is only beginning, my dear Detective Prince.'</em></p><p>
  <em>I stared at the split down the path. Both snow-covered streets stretched out endlessly before me. Through the snowy spikes of my hair, I looked down at my gloved hands, at my all-black suit, at my nice shoes powdered with snow. Somewhere far away, I heard sinister sounds of someone laughing. Someone, everyone, toned as one. Underneath it all, I heard Rise calling my name, beckoning me to her. Here I saw one yellow signpost at the fork in the road, pointing in both directions, labeled with Margaret's stylized handwriting:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To the left—simplicity and belonging. Comfort. Complacency. Happiness. An easy life without pain. Emptiness. Letting the rest of the world program me into the human being society wanted me to be. Everything we were taught to want. Seeing the right as the devil, and yearning it anyway. My Persona, Sukuna-Hikona, hovered over this road, watching me pensively. She had somehow separated from my shadow, my reflection. My ego was there. My pride was there. All the masks I had learned to wear, to keep others comfortable, to keep them from becoming too offended by me…they were there, unseen.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To the right—uncertainty and chaos. Sexual craving, desire, fulfillment. Energy. Intrigue. Craving more than what was allowed, and going after it. Constant chase, never knowing rest. Not letting anyone program me. Everything we were taught to fear and condemn. Seeing the left as paradise, and rejecting it anyway. My shadow, my reflection, hovered over this road, watching me with a twisted grin. My unconscious needs were there. My true self was there. All the sides of myself that I had repressed, for fear of slander, for fear of the obscene, for fear of losing control…they were there, shadows of each snowflake.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was so cold… I couldn't think. I couldn't decide. There was no middle road. No balance. Only extremes to chase after. Indecision drilled through my bones, through my panting breaths. My vision shook with this quaking. The longer I stayed here, the more I risked freezing to death. I had to move. I didn't know which way to go. Where was Rise? Which direction was she in? Where would I find her? Where would I find my purpose in life? In complacency or in chaos? I didn't know. I didn't know anything anymore. This decision felt like more than me. More than just a dream. If I picked the wrong direction, I had no idea what would happen to me. I hated uncertainty. I hated emptiness. I hated not knowing the right answers. I hated having all of them and growing bored, restless.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As much as I wished I could have merged the roads, or picked a middle ground…it was impossible. I saw this darkness in my heart, fearing it. I wanted to learn…how to stop being afraid. How to embrace it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I walked over to the path on the right. Distant sounds rang through my head. Chills crawled through my skin. As soon as I took the first step, that fear wracked me. The same fear I had tried to avoid—in being detached, agreeable, quiet, abiding. Along the distant horizon, I saw Risette dancing in the snow with my reflection. My likeness stared right at me, mocking.</em>
</p><p>'<em>Moments like these are what make you truly human. Fight through your uncertainty. Listen to your rawest instincts. They may escape you as soon as you find them, like water slipping through your hands.'</em></p><p>
  <em>I pulled out of my fear, step by step, trudging through the snow. Freed from fear as I lifted my foot from the ground; immersed back in it as I heard the snow crunching underneath my weight. Through this dream that felt so real, I remembered my anger. How I felt about Margaret toying with my life in the way she had. As I was now, there was no way I would have confronted her. As I was now, walking this slowly through the snow, I wasn't good enough to be in my reflection's place. I knew Rise had barely scratched the surface of what she wanted with me. She took her time, testing my loyalties, watching them grow. She learned to mine for my devotion, taking everything out of me. She wanted my reflection. She wanted my undying faithfulness—to know that I would stay with her through all of her wicked wants.</em>
</p><p>'<em>Run after them.'</em></p><p>
  <em>Breaking the boundaries of my limitations, I shut out the cold around me. I focused on that distant image of Risette tempting my reflection. I picked up the pace, the snow at my feet becoming one less obstacle. The fast-paced life she craved as an idol: I could keep up with her. I ran faster, focused—determined to show her. I was as terrified as ever. That fear burned in my chest as love all the same. Imagery from her dreams. Unknowns from her past. Unknowns in the future. Lofty promises. Protecting her from mobs of fans. Growing with her through the vices of what lay ahead. Letting her bring everything out in me. Fucking her. Being what she needed. No matter who was around to watch. This was what she wanted. This was what I wanted. I had ignored it in a haze of stubbornness. Unmoving. Not willing to risk anything. Doing that again would be a death sentence.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Risette was close. So close. Everything that drew me to her initially was what I feared. How unknowable she was. How unpredictable she was. How twisted she was. My reflection loved that about her. This undeniable pull had kept me bound to her through the worst of times. She was closer. I was closer. Nearly there, nearly there, nearly there—</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The faster I ran, the closer she was, yet I couldn't catch up to her completely. Rise and Risette were just out of my reach. I pushed harder, ran faster. She—they—smirked in satisfaction. Boundlessness surrounded me. All the knowledge and experiences I needed would come to me so long as I kept running.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I wasn't lost anymore.</em>
</p><hr/><p>Inevitably, time passed.</p><p>After the wake, after the funeral, it had completely sunk in: Rise was all I had now. If anything bad happened between us again, I wouldn't know where I'd be. She had accompanied me to my grandfather's funeral and met many of my extended family members. They'd recognized her as Risette. Most had been polite enough to start small talk over her career; Rise had been gracious enough to entertain their questions and comments, holding onto my arm all the while. I knew that the rest had been their predictable, homophobic selves, talking about us behind our backs. At least I never had to see them again.</p><p>By February, I felt myself settling into my new reality. Rise sensed the changes about me. How I embraced the unspoken vigor she needed. She loved teasing me—getting me worked up, only to remind me that I had yet to be inside of her, that my hands must have felt empty without this part of her. She reiterated again and again that she wanted to save herself for a fantasy. She loved getting away with it. <em>"Over the summer," </em>she would say with a mischievous smirk. <em>"Right after finals. That's when we're going to Tokyo to film my music video for my first American single. Think you can wait until then, sexy?" </em>Any other time, I would have shut off my sexual feelings, to avoid this whiplash. The switch was gone. Someone, something had ripped it clear off of the wall. They'd smashed the wall down, too—the one I'd had between Rise and the tenderest parts of me.</p><p>We didn't go on another ski trip after our advancement exams. Yukiko, Yu and Yosuke had gone together. Running into them would have been awkward. We spent that weekend with Kanji, Chie and Nanako instead. For Valentine's Day, Rise wanted us to go on a normal date. She wanted to us to calm down after this sexual rollercoaster she'd had me on. After school that day, I drove us to Okina City to watch a romantic movie she'd wanted to see. It almost seemed like a waste; we spent most of the movie making out in the back row. I still remembered the feel of her long acrylic nails over my neck; how Rise had smartly used her fingertips to angle my head into her as she wanted, controlling me. She'd let me roam my hands along her thighs, up her skirt. Rise had spread her legs, knowing that I wanted to finger her in this dark theater, knowing that she wouldn't let me, tempting me anyway. I had been so close to losing control. If I couldn't take her with my hand, then I would have gotten down on my knees to eat her out then and there, not caring who saw. Rise had known all along. She'd felt it in the way I kissed her, in the strength in my hands. She loved testing me. She knew I wouldn't go against her wishes. She loved pushing me like this, breaking my control with the deceptive softness of her sounds and touch. I'd felt that breaking within me, sensitive as cracked glass. Satisfied, she watched it all through my eyes as we ate dinner at a restaurant after the movie.</p><p>In between all of this, every other weekend, Rise went to Tokyo with Kanji to work in the studio. Her first official studio album for the US was to be an evolution of her <em>Maru-Q</em> mixtape, aptly titled <em>Marukyu Striptease</em>. Over spring break, before our third year was due to start, she would be in America to promote her mixtape and tease her upcoming album. To avoid <em>too much </em>controversy, Rise wanted to wait until she was eighteen to film the music video for the album's first single. She wanted subliminal, adult symbolism in the video, and much more. Over summer break, after filming the music video, she would be back in America for three weeks, this time opening for a prominent artist's tour for exposure.</p><p>Ochimizu had secured the best possible opportunities for her star. Rise was bound to blow up in the States and worldwide with a combination of her talent and promotional campaigning. I was genuinely happy for her. I believed she was destined for true success. These darker, childish fears affected me more and more as the weeks passed. Rise's upcoming album was about me<em>. </em>Us. Everything she hadn't given a voice to—every twisted thought she had—was in her music, written between the lines. I had no logical reason to think that Rise could have possibly lost interest in me. I was her muse…</p><p>Irrational thoughts spun me out of control anyway. They didn't care about logic. They didn't care about what was most likely to happen. They picked up on my weaknesses, how vulnerable I was to Rise's every word, every move, and they ran wild with them. I had to learn to live with these ups and downs…to not let them overwhelm me. This was the path I had decided on. There was no turning back.</p><hr/><p>The third years' graduation in March offered me a new layer of perspective. Sitting in the school auditorium with Rise and Kanji, watching the proceedings, I was reminded of how much my path had changed since last year. I had no idea if I would even apply to college or not. Rise had already promised me that she and I both were due to have fruitful endorsements from clothing lines in the future. Did I need a college education? I knew I wouldn't have been able to be a detective—not now, not in the future. I didn't have the personality or drive to run a private detective business. These dreams I kept having—running toward a goal and never reaching it—with Margaret speaking to me: it was clear that my destiny awaited elsewhere. Being this indigo muse for my love was a good thing.</p><p>But what was I to do while Rise was busy promoting her albums, or on tour? Outside Yasogami High, in the middle of the large crowd of friends and family, I had the flowers we had bought for Chie's graduation. Nanako and Dojima had gone up to Tokyo to attend Yu's graduation today, as they were family. Rise held my free hand, chatting away with our classmates nearby. I looked around at the blooming cherry blossom trees swaying gently in the sunlit breeze. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Kanji staring at me. I noticed his feelings there… I thought he would have been over me by now.</p><p>"Yo, Naoto-kun," he said. "You all right?"</p><p>"I'm fine," I replied. "Just thinking about the future. I'm not sure what I'll do after we graduate next year. I had everything figured out before. All of that's changed now."</p><p>"You're not feeling lost, are you?"</p><p>So Rise did speak to Kanji about me when I wasn't around. I wasn't sure whether or not to be angry.</p><p>I shook my head, saying, "No, not quite. This is different. I can't do the job I want. Rise will be busy with her music. You'll be busy guarding her. Chie-senpai's off to college in a few weeks. I <em>want</em> to study. I simply don't see the point. The career I want…well, it's out of my reach, as you know."</p><p>Kanji gave me a reassuring smile. "Hey, don't worry about it," he told me. "There's gotta be a way for you to follow your dreams. If anyone can figure something like this out, it's you."</p><p>I noticed Rise watching us carefully.</p><p>"Thank you, Kanji-kun. I appreciate it."</p><p>As the third years came outside to a roar of cheering and applause, I saw familiar, piercing yellow eyes in the crowd. Deep blue of Margaret's dress followed. She passed through the people between us as a ghost, walking toward me. I narrowed my eyes against the sun, staring up at her, openly suspicious of her presence here. Margaret appeared disembodied, with parts of her blocked from view by the people around us. She knew I wasn't happy with her. She didn't care; it didn't faze her at all.</p><p>"Hello again," she greeted. "It has been some time since we last saw one another in person. You have grown taller. More ambiguous, androgynous. If I did not know you, I would have mistaken you for the most handsome young man among your peers. And yet, the shape of your body speaks otherwise."</p><p>I couldn't say anything back. Everyone around us would have thought I'd lost my mind.</p><p>Margaret laughed softly at me. "I am here to inform you of what's to come," she went on. "The one you call Miss Ochimizu has asked me for assistance. You would be surprised to learn of her aptitude with the mind. As I am the sole proprietor of everyone's shadows, egos and personas, she has made me a generous offer I cannot refuse." What kind of offer could Ochimizu have possibly made…? And for what? "This shouldn't shock you. She has a powerful desire for your Risette to influence the minds of many. What better way to achieve this than for her music to <em>awaken </em>the world to their unconscious desires?"</p><p>Awaken…? Awaken how? Unconscious desires…that sounded too much like our shadows.</p><p>"Ah, yes—I sense your reservations. Unlocking the untold chaos within the human mind would no doubt be a devastating outcome for the world at large. However, I am not interested in sheer anarchy, and neither is my new client. Ochimizu simply wants your kind to be more aware of what they repress. To live their lives without ignoring what they once deemed as too controversial, inappropriate or uncomfortable. Risette's first music video is the perfect way to achieve this. You may yet discover your purpose in life as a catalyst—a proxy—to this awakening. Think of the infinite possibilities you could study about the mind with so much out in the open…"</p><p>Margaret smiled at me and vanished into thin air. Her riddling put me ill at ease. This was far beyond my control. I knew how important this was to Rise and her manager…for Risette to be a household name, for her music to influence people. Influencing them literally like this sounded disastrous. I didn't have time to think it over as much as I wanted to just yet—Chie found us shortly after Margaret disappeared, sharing her joy with us. She had been accepted to a college not too far from Inaba, where she planned on majoring in gender studies. Rise's openness in her music and image had deeply inspired Chie to study what she was passionate about.</p><p>If Ochimizu and Margaret meant to go through with their plans, then perhaps I would also have plenty to study. I knew that I was powerless to stop either of them. Rise had made it clear how helpless she was in the face of her manager's sheer power in the music industry. Dojima had yet to turn up anything on Rise or Ochimizu's involvement in the leaks from last year. I suspected that, once Rise's next single was released, there would be so much chaos that law enforcement wouldn't be able to get anywhere near the truth about what had happened.</p><p>So much had changed with me. I actually wanted the truth to stay hidden. I didn't want justice to be served if it meant losing Rise in the process.</p><hr/><p>During the month-long spring break, while Rise was in America doing promo and appearances, I stayed in her bedroom, looking into Jungian psychology: the ego, the conscious mind, the unconscious, personas and shadows, and the collective unconscious we all shared as human beings. As I studied, I watched streams of Risette smiling graciously during morning, daytime and late night talk shows, answering the same questions over and over with natural poise, coyly deflecting questions about her 'mysterious, handsome boyfriend,' and hiding how tired she was of these Americans acting surprised that she spoke perfect English without an accent. Despite her 'bad girl' image—her dark makeup, long nails and outfits <em>did</em> make her look more grown-up—Risette was delightful for the cameras. The hosts described her as a Japanese phenomenon—a young and beautiful vixen that the people couldn't get enough of, whose music had captured the hearts of the twisted clowns who loved watching Japan implode from the drama the phone breaches had caused. A few of the male hosts forgot that Risette was only seventeen. They openly complimented her hourglass shape and her silky voice, only to casually laugh it off once their producers reminded them that my girlfriend was a minor. I sensed that Rise privately enjoyed their slip-ups, especially their Freudian slips, subtly courting the attention by poking fun at the hosts, all the while enchanting her audiences with her charming tone and manners. And right there, I caught myself using their names interchangeably again… Was there a difference anymore?</p><p>When she performed songs from her mixtape, the crowds danced with her, mesmerized by her sensual choreography that was smooth as water, the range of her voice—from bright and angelic in her higher register to dark and sultry in her lower register—and the subtle mind fucks she inflicted on them with her lyrics. I suspected most of Risette's audiences had no idea about the unusual backstories behind her songs. Everyone was so hypnotized by her onstage charisma and her singing and dancing abilities. They didn't notice the rest. Really…one of her songs was about guys jerking off to us at night, like Yosuke. Another one teased about her supposedly scandalous bisexuality, but within the most understated of contexts. Still another was about loving all the attention she received, whether it was good or bad, whether the public fetishized her or not, because she got off to their twisted fascination anyway.</p><p>Meanwhile, I grew obsessed with the possibilities Margaret had mentioned. If everyone was aware of their unconscious thoughts, and not like the mere mindless shadows the Investigation Team had fought inside the TV World, then there was potential for both good and bad outcomes. Breaking down society's propensity to shame what was different…that sounded like it would have helped me, in some ways. Those who wanted to accept everyone as they were—they'd be able to do so without being mocked by others who disagreed. At the same time, there was the real danger that peoples' unconscious desires would cause them to become unhinged, lawless. Power structures would have been broken down. Society as we knew it would burn down in flames. Or it just wouldn't be stifled and sterile anymore.</p><p>Despite my apprehensions, I was excited by this. Just as in my dream, I felt chills over my skin whenever I thought about it. Preparing myself for everything and experiencing it all, learning from it, investigating the many outcomes—this was my purpose in life. I should have been overwhelmed by the unknowns ahead. I should have been afraid that the world wouldn't be able to handle what was to come. I had chosen this path. I had to see it through to the end.</p><p>At the start of our third and final year at Yasogami High, the paparazzi were more relentless than ever. Rise had safely returned from America; everyone wanted to know when her next studio album would be released, if she would quit school early for her career. I worried that all the spotlight from her time in the US might have gone to her head. I was relieved that she was still the same Rise as before.</p><p>Our one year anniversary wasn't on any single day we could remember. It wasn't until my birthday last year that Rise had outright said I was hers. We decided to make my birthday our official anniversary date. That night after school, we went to Aiya again, the Chinese diner, and then to the same hill overlooking town, just to sit and talk for a while. After some time, we noticed the reporters snapping pictures of us from afar. Rise didn't want that to ruin our time together. She ignored them.</p><p>"This year's gone by pretty fast," noticed Rise, leaning into me more. "We've both grown so much… How does it feel now that you're eighteen? Is anything different?"</p><p>I thought about it first. "Not at all," I answered. "The changes happened gradually. They're part of me."</p><p>Rise stared thoughtfully at my hands in my lap. "Do you hate the way I tease you?" she asked. "Anyone else would have gotten mad at me by this point. I keep saying I have a fantasy, wait for the fantasy, wait for it… You never ask me what it is, what it's about."</p><p>"I assume it's meant to be a surprise."</p><p>"It is…"</p><p>I recognized this silence from her. "Is there anything you can tell me about it?"</p><p>Rise looked up at me adoringly. "No," she said sweetly. "But I like that you asked anyway. I like how you read my mind sometimes, too. You always know what to say, even when you think you don't." She tangled her arms around my head, kissing the cold from my face. I heard more flashes than usual in the distance. "I love you, baby. I want us to stay together forever." Like a phantom memory, I felt Risette on my other side, holding me as a mirror image of her real self. I had no idea why that filled me with such dread. "Tell me you love me, too. Tell me you want us to be together for the rest of our lives."</p><p>Faraway camera flashes turned into sparks of inhuman yellow eyes. Voyeurs. Shadows, voyeurs.</p><p>Hypnotized from within the deep recesses of my mind, I said, "I love you, too, Rise… I want us to be together for the rest of our lives."</p><p>Rise sighed, content. "Hearing you say that makes me incredibly happy," she whispered. "I meant it, a while back…when I told you there's no Risette without you as my muse. I think—I'm addicted to you. The way you've slowly opened up to me, the way you let me control your sexuality… I need you."</p><p>Anything that might have been suspect—it flew over my head, didn't register. I trusted Rise completely.</p><p>If I wasn't supposed to…it was too late for that. I had already dedicated myself to her. I loved her with all my heart. I couldn't undo this. I couldn't undo anything. I kept running after her, emotionally, sexually, knowing that she would keep controlling me: where I was allowed to touch, not letting me take her as I wanted. This warped sense of power she had over me made me as addicted to her as she was to me. There was no rest. No stopping. Only a constant marathon with no finish line in sight.</p><p>For her eighteenth birthday in June, Rise wanted us to go back to the Amagi Inn. She kept this sprint going, reveling in how hard I moved for her. After the stroke of midnight, I stroked her with my tongue, exactly as she pleased. I read her body, her every reaction to me, going for as long as she needed. As Yukiko attended college online, still living at the inn and training to become the next manager, she was amusingly right next door once again. Rise and I heard her slump against the wall and sit there, listening to us on the other side. She was either a pervert or a masochist. Maybe both.</p><hr/><p>Once our finals at the end of July were over with, Rise didn't want to sit around and wait for our results. She had us take off for Tokyo the same evening after our last exam. On the train, she sat with her back against the window, holding me and kissing my face, my neck. Rise seemed to like how embarrassed I was. No matter how hard they tried not to stare, the other passengers around us obviously noticed her displays. They saw that I had on men's clothes, they saw my haircut; by their obvious expressions, I knew they puzzled over whether I was male or female, just as Rise's manager intended. Kanji was on his feet with his back to us, acting as a human barrier between us and anyone who might have tried to get a better look. He was a vigilant bodyguard. His tight muscle shirt did little to hide how red his neck was.</p><p>The train was dead silent as always; Rise hid her voice against my skin. "You can keep grumbling all you want," she teased. "I'm just going to smother you more. You're so cute!"</p><p>I winced when she held me tighter. "…and you're enjoying this entirely too much."</p><p>"You make it easy," she said, running her long nails through my hair. "Back in middle school, there was this boy I liked. He hung around a bunch of older basketball boys. I wanted to hug and kiss him in front of his friends. Embarrassing him like that sounded fun to me. This is kind of the same thing. When you blush and squirm around like this, you <em>could </em>move away… Why don't you?"</p><p>"I know this makes you happy," I told her.</p><p>"Doesn't it make <em>you </em>happy?" she asked.</p><p>"Yes, I like it."</p><p>"See? You can pretend you don't <em>all you want. </em>I know better."</p><p>Rise didn't stop for the rest of the train ride. I had no idea how much I needed this before what awaited us in the city. As soon as we exited to the platform that night, a horde of paparazzi surrounded us. There was something dark and sinister about them, more so than every other time. I could hear all of their voices at once, hounding us with questions, accusations—all of it felt sick, slipping through my senses, down to chill my instincts. Kanji couldn't shield Rise from everyone; Rise clung to me, burying her face against my neck to hide from the flashing cameras and shouting. Ominous, mob-like laughter came from the people nearby who saw the spectacle. Every single person around us could have turned into a literal shadow at any moment, and I wouldn't have been surprised in the least.</p><p>I thought Rise would have been stressed out about this. She felt as calm as ever, using this as an excuse to stay close to me more than anything. When we got to Rise's private car, her driver also seemed strange. As he drove us to Takura Productions through heavy traffic, he looked back at us through his rear view mirror far too often.</p><p>"The hell was that?" asked Kanji.</p><p>"I have no idea," I replied.</p><p>Rise was at ease as she checked her phone. "Oh, you know how everyone gets," she said calmly. "I wouldn't worry about it."</p><p>Naturally, Kanji and I weren't convinced. No one had actually turned into the types of shadows we remembered from the TV World. I'd been under the impression that the changes Margaret and Ochimizu wanted weren't slated to happen until Risette released her single along with the music video. Seeing these smaller shifts scared me more than they should have. I had to prepare more.</p><p>That same night, Rise went right to the studio to get to work. She had to put the final touches on her first single from her American debut album. The next day, several American crew from her label's joint company in Los Angeles flew in. The director, her camera crew, stylists, and all sorts of other people were at the studio to make this music video happen: planning, storyboarding, making sure relevant outfits were tailored to perfection, testing equipment and so on. Before Saturday arrived, Rise worked tirelessly with her diverse group of backup dancers, perfecting her choreography for the video. Since I wasn't allowed to watch, I passed the time with my nose stuck in the psychology books I'd brought along with me. As I studied in her room, I felt Rise's anxiety all the way from here. She was a perfectionist when it came to her career. This was the next step in achieving her dreams. She was determined to go all-out. I had already fallen asleep by the time she came wandering in at five in the morning. She collapsed in my arms; I woke up for but a few seconds to make sure it was her before falling back asleep.</p><p>Rise kissed me awake bright and early the next morning. I blinked away my dream about flipping through textbooks, wincing my eyes against the dawn's light pouring through the curtains. I watched Rise's eyes, her skin burning beautifully in that light. She loved how entranced I was.</p><p>"Hey, sleepyhead," she said with a smile, handing me a warm cup of tea. "I have a favor to ask you."</p><p>I sat up against the headboard, taking the tea in my hands. "What do you need…?"</p><p>"So…I haven't told you what this single is about. It's…it's basically a story about how everyone else reacted to my pictures leaking. I spent a long time reading a bunch of gossip sites and message boards. Most people think there's a certain, untrue story behind how the pictures got taken in the first place. I want to put that story out there, like forcing them to look in a mirror. I want to see how they react."</p><p>"That sounds like a good idea," I agreed, sipping the oolong tea. "It <em>would</em> force them to reconsider the terrible rumors they had spread around."</p><p>Rise pulled at her hands, anxious. "And…I want you to be in the video with me," she finally said.</p><p>I stopped mid-sip.</p><p><em>Me? </em>I couldn't dance like that. I couldn't act, either. Why me?</p><p>"B-But it's just—!" Rise tried to distill the awkwardness in the air. "It's only…as a walk-on type of thing. You're not, like, dancing or anything like that. You'd only…umm…" She gestured with her hands—"Say I'm on the floor, and then you come in and kneel down over me. It's supposed to be a romantic thing where you're comforting me and—fulfilling a fantasy I have of you saving me from what happened…"</p><p>"Oh," I said. That word again. <em>Fantasy. </em>"Well, if you put it that way…then of course I'll do it."</p><p>Rise grinned, kissing me again. "Thanks, babe! I told the director what I have in mind for your scenes. I'll be with you the whole time. After we eat breakfast, I'll introduce you to her. She'll tell you everything you need to know for the camera. Pay attention to your phone… I'll text you with a few more instructions later."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Vulnerable</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em><strong>XIII.</strong></em> Vulnerable</p><p>In this artificial environment of the music video set, with people piled backstage in the dark, and constant motion in front of the cameras, Rise held our attention effortlessly. My scene with her wasn't for another few minutes. I had on the suit she wanted me to wear, the spikes of my hair freshly done over. I controlled my nerves as I watched her move seamlessly with her backup dancers and lip sync to the backing track blasting through the speakers. Rise had this special, attractive quality about her—a certain <em>je ne sais quoi </em>that made her stand out. Working nonstop for the past seven hours didn't seem to faze her. Her single was darkly catchy enough for anyone to dance to at a club, yet Rise's brand of subtle, personal lyrics were enough to make those same people wonder exactly what she sang about. The gossip-made story behind her ordeal when she was fourteen years old played out here and in the lyrics: Rise had supposedly been out dancing with friends at a house party. Groups of older men showed up—here, Rise dodged their advances, literally dancing around them to get away. Some distance away, the crew worked on preparing the next scene—the photographer's studio. I was due to appear there. I remembered exactly what Rise had asked me to do… I still couldn't believe she actually wanted this.</p><p>This first single was a sexier evolution of Theater from Maru-Q. It set the tone for the rest of Marukyu Striptease of a young girl who had been sexualized by the media. After hearing it over and over again all day, I had yet to grow tired of it. The bass, Rise's erotic breaths and velvet voice aroused me:</p><p>
  <em>Sorry, could you make the music louder?</em>
</p><p>Between Rise seducing everyone on set with her eyes and her body, I almost didn't notice her manager approach me. There was something about Rise today. Something in her energy, her aura. She had this talent for making me feel like she and I were the only ones in the world while I watched her dance.</p><p>"You're up soon, Naoto," said Ochimizu, standing next to me with her arms folded. "This is a big moment for you. The director knows how she wants to play this. Will you pull it off?"</p><p>"I have to," I replied. "We'll only have one take."</p><p>Ochimizu had her eyes locked on Rise, too. "A video as controversial as this is unheard of," she went on. "We're lucky. People will be…too distracted to notice most of it. What little they do notice will only hook them in once it's all said and done." I wanted to ask what had made her so cynical; why she wouldn't let Rise succeed on her own merits, without these displays, these planned manipulations… "What is it?"</p><p>"I know what you've done," I said. "And I know what you want to have happen."</p><p>"Do you, now?" asked Ochimizu, intrigued. "Prove it. Impress me."</p><p>"So you don't deny, then, that you're involved in schemes for Rise's sake?"</p><p>"I wouldn't lie to you, Detective Prince. You're too smart for that. I only hope you're not accusing me of anything. You're much too smart for that, too."</p><p>There were too many people around to have this conversation properly. "I'm not accusing you."</p><p>"Then we have an understanding."</p><p>"More or less," I allowed. "I've only been trying to understand what your reasons are. Why couldn't you have let her succeed on her own? Unlocking everyone's shadows from the unconscious parts of their minds sounds like something out of a dystopian novel."</p><p>Ochimizu smirked as everyone migrated to the next scene. "You and I both know how <em>unique </em>Rise is," she said. "Without my work, she would have to censor herself. She would be forced to run with the status quo. She's making her own rules, setting her own trends. If I had to go back in time, I'd do it all again—no questions asked." She cut me a stern but approving look—two qualities Ochimizu had always favored with me since I'd met her a year ago. "It's all about rebalancing the power structures that are currently in place. They're the same ones keeping <em>you </em>down, too. When's the last time you saw a bold, out and proud Japanese woman sitting on top of the world with her girlfriend?"</p><p>"Never… It doesn't happen."</p><p>"Exactly my point. Rise is a top idol. She deserves this throne I'm creating for her. I don't want her to have to hold back just to keep from offending peoples' delicate little sensibilities. So if I have to upset a few things along the way, I'm willing to make that sacrifice. I'm giving you a platform, too, Naoto. This is my way of thanking you for bringing out my client's full potential. I suggest you enjoy the show."</p><p>After everything Rise had suffered, she deserved this. As nervous as I was about filming this upcoming scene with her, I feared that I wouldn't be able to keep up with her—both on and off the set. Her new success was bound to affect our relationship somehow. I remembered my New Year's dream, how prophetic it had been. Once the director called me over to her, Ochimizu wished me good luck. This time last year, I had villainized Rise's manager. In my ignorance and naiveté, I believed there was only good and evil in the world, with no nuance or gray in between. In accepting this new path, I had a newfound appreciation for everyone, everything.</p><p>The director quickly reviewed the scene with me. I listened and nodded, watching Rise in the middle of the set. There was the all-white backdrop rolling down from the wall, curled at the corner, spread out along the floor; the professional lights and cameras. Rise was dressed in a provocative school uniform with a pair of knee high leather boots. Her long auburn hair spanned down her back; her makeup was darker and sharper than ever. As she lay down over the white spread, she was surrounded by stylists touching up her hair and makeup. Between the people around her, she kept eye contact with me, powerfully, luring me in and trapping me with this promise of exploration, novelty. This video was meant to tap into everyone's unconscious desires. The song and the visuals were a reflection of her own, albeit in the form of everyone's sick gossiping.</p><p>I stood off to the side, counting down the minutes until it was time. Once the lighting changed to red, like a dark room, it would be my time to enter the scene. Before I went on, Rise filmed the scenes with her mock photographer taking pictures of her. They did several takes; the American actor seemed uncomfortable filming the scene. At one point he stopped, refusing to continue on.</p><p>Rise rolled her eyes, bored of him. "No offense," she started, "But you knew what you were signing up for. I'm not a kid anymore. You're not abusing me. You can't just stop like this!"</p><p>"I'm sorry, Risette!" cried the actor, leaving the set. "This is freaking me out! I can't do it! I can't do it!"</p><p>The director scoffed loudly. "Don't be so damn weak!" she chastised. The man was already long-gone. "Shit! I need a body, preferably male! Now!"</p><p>Hesitantly, Kanji stepped forward. "I'll do it," he volunteered.</p><p>"Good man! Someone get Tatsumi to hair and makeup! Let's break and come back in ten…"</p><p>Rise beckoned me over with her finger. I went over to her and knelt at her side, still nervous. "Hey, sexy," she said. "Having fun watching everyone freak out over this storyline? We had a few people walk out like that—even some of the backstage crew. This is the same story they all believe. They buy magazines that sell the story. They post about it online. They're such hypocrites."</p><p>"It's been an enlightening experience," I replied. "I didn't realize how uncomfortable this was for most people. I know it's bound to have an impact."</p><p>"My fantasy with you will be the best part," added Rise, smirking mischievously. "No one except the director and Miss Ochimizu know. The lighting and camera angles will hide most of it. But, if people watch really closely, they'll be able to tell what's going on… I love that kind of mind fuck, you know?" She felt my quickened pulse over my neck, the faint traces of sweat building there from the bright lights roasting me in this suit. Rise pressed her lips there, keeping the sweat from trailing down my back. This adoration in her sighs, in her touch was filled with how much she loved me. I had to stop from shivering. "Mmm, you nervous, babe? Don't be. Pretend like we're alone in our room. The same energy you give me in bed is the same one I want for this. It'll be perfect. Don't <em>think </em>about it, okay?"</p><p>"I'll do my best," I promised. "You mentioned earlier that you want me to follow your lead with this. I can do that. It would be much more difficult if I had to take control of the scene."</p><p>Rise glanced at everyone on set staring at us. The director yelled at them to get back to work. "It's more dynamic this way," she said with a smile. "You're the one wearing the suit. Most people think you're my boyfriend. It's way hotter to me when the roles are reversed. Even if you're the one touching me, fucking me…if I tell you to stop, or to change positions, you have to do as I say."</p><p>"I feel the same way…"</p><p>For the last few minutes of the break, I listened to Rise tell me more about what she wanted. She was confident that I would pull this off. Hearing that assurance in her voice helped to get rid of the last of my nerves. Once Kanji was ready, I went back to my waiting spot just out of the camera's view. While he spoke with the director about the scene, a few stylists found me, touching up what little makeup I had on, spraying and combing my hair again. Any other time, I would've been disturbed by the implications of this scene with Rise and Kanji. Not today. This felt inevitable to me.</p><p>Kanji somehow gave off the same controlling impression from Rise's dreams. At most, he knelt over her, getting very close with the camera, only giving the illusion of touching her. Rise didn't show him fear like I'd expected. She posed for him, defiant, seducing him with her eyes and the way she contoured her body. They filmed several shots of the scene from different angles. I noticed Kanji growing frustrated—his neck was red and his hold over the camera trembled in his rage. I knew he wasn't attracted to Rise at all. He hated her deeply. These efforts he went to for my sake were too much for him to handle. The director seemed to love his struggling and Rise rising above it all, claiming that these added to the scene.</p><p>With the music playing so loudly, I had to read Kanji's lips to decipher what he said to my girlfriend:</p><p>"You love this," he said. "I know you do. You're fucking sick, you know that?"</p><p>Rise looked wholly unfazed by him. "So? You're the one pretending to abuse me. You love it, too. Don't you just <em>hate me </em>for dating the love of your life?"</p><p>The director shouted her excitement over their chemistry together, oblivious to this quiet argument.</p><p>Kanji growled at her. "Naoto doesn't deserve someone like you," he claimed. "You'll ruin her."</p><p>"Even if I do, she's mine. She'll always love me and she'll never love you. Hurts, doesn't it?"</p><p>Once the lights darkened to crimson, it was my time. I kept my eyes on Kanji as I walked over to him. I wasn't thinking about the scene or the dozens of people on the set. His hypocrisy in protecting someone he hated—<em>for what? For me?</em>—rubbed me the wrong way. When I pushed him, he saw it in my eyes. Kanji backed away slowly, conceding this space to me. And Rise—if I'd read her lips correctly, she saw this as some competition. I knelt over her, mindful of the angles the director wanted. I smoothed my hand up from her shoulder, to her neck, to the back of her head, tangling my touch through her hair, firmer than I usually was.</p><p>Rise reached up to moan in my ear. "Did you read our lips?" she asked.</p><p>I masked my answer along her neck. <em>"Yes."</em></p><p>She laughed softly. "You sound mad."</p><p>"This isn't a game, Rise," I told her. "I'm not your property, either."</p><p>Rise arched her back in time with my hand moving down to her skirt. "I know, baby," she breathed.</p><p>"I don't think you do. It feels like you're messing with my head right now. You know how vulnerable I am to you. This isn't fair."</p><p>"Then take it out on me."</p><p>Rise angled her body with me, with her head toward the crew. I knelt between her legs. If I touched her here and now, no one would be able to see it. This was what she wanted, what she'd planned for. She wanted the camera to capture this moment. Rise stared down at me, gaze full of lust, chest heaving in anticipation. I hiked her leg over my shoulder, the leather of her boot caressing me as I leaned over her. Rise was flexible enough to love this position I had her in. Somewhere far away, I heard the director excitedly telling us to keep going like this. I waited for Rise's cue to do more to her. She kept me here for the longest, teasing her nails over my head. She didn't want me to kiss her yet—I was only allowed to brush my lips over hers, letting everyone watch this need build in my eyes.</p><p>Expertly so, Rise brought out my craving for her, stringing it around her finger. "I want you to take me, Naoto," she whispered in my mouth. "I've been making you wait for <em>so</em> long… You've been patient, and kind, and understanding this whole time. I'll never trust anyone the way I trust you. I love you…"</p><p>Rise moved her other boot up my pants, hiding my hand underneath her skirt. I'd forgotten about everything else. I was too high from the deceptively soft look in her eyes, from how soaked she was. Her thong had blended with the wet heat as yet another fold; I stroked her, four fingertips at a time, testing this. By how dark these red lights were, and the angle I had her at, no one could see this. Rise gently clawed at me, impatient, desperate. I kept my eyes to hers and slipped inside of her. Slowly. As deeply and deliberately as Rise dug her nails into my arm. This tension snaked around my finger, locking me in. Rise was about to instinctively look away. I held her jaw with my free hand, locking her here as she'd done to me. Arousal wracked her body all the way down to the way she tightened around me. Two at a time wasn't enough to break her. Three, with my fingertips slanted together, I pushed through all the way and she screamed—restrained, quieting quickly.</p><p>Suddenly I was aware of how hard my heart pounded. Maybe too hard. Having Rise like this, after she'd made me wait for this moment…it was completely worth it. I'd never forget this feeling, this moment.</p><p>I stayed still for a while, letting Rise relax around me. I couldn't look away from her. She clung to me, sucking in her breaths, swallowing mine. Steadily she soaked my hand down to my palm. She hadn't mentioned me fucking her like this. We wouldn't have been able to get away with <em>that much. </em>As much as I wanted to, we couldn't. Once the director had the shots she needed, Rise had me pull out. I watched her suck my fingers, staring into me. She'd locked me to her by sharing this with me.</p><p>This lock was sturdy, unbreakable, unwavering. I would have done anything—<em>absolutely anything </em>—for Rise now, without question. I knew how dangerous this was. Once the weekend was over, and the shooting for the music video had finished, Rise brought me with her to America. Three weeks of opening for the main artist was the best thing for her career. The public was already interested in her, but opening for this major pop artist in particular was bound to make her critics take her more seriously. We traveled through the States in a tour bus that August, occasionally staying in a hotel for back-to-back shows in the same city. Journalists and fans alike surrounded the amphitheaters and arenas each night. Lines for each sold-out venue went on for several blocks. Whenever I got the chance, I went to stand in the front row amid the screaming fans, watching Rise perform from up close. The huge spaces were jam-packed with all types of people losing their minds with excitement.</p><p>Just for me, Risette started off every night with her cover of Yuu Miyake's remix of Now I Know. It brought me back to how special she'd made me feel when she gave me those three songs for my birthday last year. After that song, she segued into the singles she'd released from Maru-Q, finishing with Theater, one of my favorite songs of hers. Everything was so loud—the fans singing along, screaming that they loved her, the band's instruments—and I couldn't hear myself think, but it didn't matter. I loved the way the bass and her amplified singing voice thrummed through my bones. I normally didn't like pop music at all. She was my exception in every way imaginable.</p><p>Each time Risette winked at me while she performed, I smiled at her so much that my face hurt. She truly commanded the stage with her singing and dancing. In the audience, I heard people speaking to each other over the music, browsing Risette's social media over their phones and clamoring to follow her. They seemed surprised that her pages were in English, but they of course appreciated it. I felt that same movement pulse outward—phone screens lighting up through the stands that reached up to the high ceiling, with more and more people following her online. As the nights passed, Risette's following spiked tremendously. During the first week or so, she had declined going out to party after the shows, insisting she didn't want to get caught up in that life. The artist sponsoring her pointed to how much more popular Risette had become; by the second week, Rise caved in and took me out with her.</p><p>As the artist had a major LGBT following, she brought us out to a gay club in Texas late that night. From all the stereotypes we'd heard about this state, Rise, Kanji and I expected everyone here to dress like cowboys and to speak in a strange accent. We were surrounded by bodyguards as we crossed the street to the club; from what I could see, the fans everywhere looked like normal people. Everyone sitting outside of the restaurant across from the club were on their feet, trying to snap pictures.</p><p>I hadn't expected the weather here to be this unbearably hot. It was worse than summers in Inaba. By the time we got inside, the heat was somehow worse. There wasn't enough room for the people who had already been in here and the ones who wanted to come inside to meet their idols. We found a roped-off area to sit at with groups of fans at a time. The drag show going on across the way somehow went off without a hitch, and the performers were tipped generously. Rise sat on my lap through the whole thing. She was genuinely entertained by the attention and what little we could see of the show.</p><p>"I love this place!" she said. "It's small but the people here are having a great time."</p><p>Kanji leaned against the wall next to me. "This show's giving me flashbacks," he said, sipping a bottle of beer. "Dressing up in drag back in our first year for that beauty pageant thing… Never again, man."</p><p>"Hey! Where'd you get that beer!? I thought you had to be twenty-one to drink in this country…"</p><p>"Huh? I asked for one and they gave it to me. They didn't card us when we came in. Who cares? You gotta be eighteen to get in this place, too. I'm still seventeen, heh. Better take advantage of it!"</p><p>Rise followed Kanji's terrible advice. She didn't drink the alcohol herself—she wanted <em>me </em>to drink it. Going overboard with drinking would have damaged her singing voice. That was why she was hooked on those energy drinks instead of actual alcohol. I was wary about this… I'd never had any alcohol before.</p><p>"Come on, babe," she coaxed, holding the glass to my lips. "Just a sip! You'll like it once you get used to the taste, I promise!"</p><p>I was locked to her. I didn't want to tell her no. I wanted to make her happy…even if it was at my own expense. Even if I was afraid or if I didn't <em>want </em>to do something, I had learned to set that aside for Rise's sake. <em>Just a sip </em>turned into a few sips. <em>Getting used to the taste </em>happened sooner than I thought it would. I lost my usual mindfulness somewhere between the third and fourth drinks. All the while, Rise gave me a lap dance to the DJ's music, encouraging me to drink more…to let go and enjoy myself. I must have been seeing double again: Risette joined in on the lap dance, too, whispering in my ear, teasing me. She wanted me with no inhibitions… Nothing in the way…not like before.</p><p>Hours later, back on the tour bus, everyone was still awake and loud and celebrating. They didn't believe in sleeping while the sun was down. Rise brought me back to our bed-only room and locked the door. I threw her down on the bed and tore off her clothes. Rise screamed in delight over the partying outside. I didn't know who I was anymore. That whole encounter was a blur of messed up sheets, Rise's hot body, her pulling my hair and moaning my name, and the taste and feel of her throbbing clit in my mouth. Some other night after the show, in some other American city in some other club, I took Rise in the men's bathroom, into one of the stalls. I had her back against the surface while I fingered her beneath her skirt. Hearing her reactions, feeling her grip me this tightly—I couldn't get enough of it. In yet another club, on the dance floor, Rise faced the wall, clawing the black paint; I made her grind against me, fucking her in the crowd this time. Everyone around us was too wasted to notice.</p><p>I thought people were meant to be blubbering idiots while they were drunk. Something about alcohol made me so fucking horny. I couldn't stand not touching Rise for too long. I had to have her. I had to fuck her again and again.</p><p>We hardly went out to look around these cities we were in. On the rare times we did go out sightseeing, we went to the Riverwalk in San Antonio and Long Beach on the west coast. Rise remembered to pick up various souvenirs for Chie, Nanako, and her family at Marukyu. She and I enjoyed sober walks on the beach, through the Riverwalk, romantic dinners together. Being in these wonderful new environments with Rise, I was reminded of how lucky I was to have her. That helped me to forget how terrified I was that she could get me blackout drunk, that I could somehow fuck her through the darkness.</p><p>By the last night of the tour in San Francisco, I finally found the common sense to realize how reckless this was. I wasn't myself anymore. Two nights from now, we would be back in Inaba, ideally at the summer festival, and then a few days later, the fireworks festival right before school started again in September. I should have told Rise no when she made me drink yet again that night after the show. My lust for her overpowered my common sense. I noticed that Kanji had kept a watchful eye on me throughout this whole tour. I was about to lose my mind from too much alcohol. The faintest, soberest, most prideful parts of me recognized Kanji there, watching Rise give me another lap dance. I couldn't break down in front of him. I couldn't go off on Rise with him around. That would have upset her more.</p><p>No…I had to save my concerns for later.</p><p>Back in this tiny room on the tour bus, Rise and I were isolated from the partying and drinking outside. I was terribly drunk again. This bed was so small that my legs hung off the edge. I had my head between Rise's legs, lightly biting the inside of her thigh to tease her—as much as I could, with how eager I was to please her. She tugged at my white undershirt, begging—</p><p>"I need your mouth—Naoto, <em>please</em>…you're so good. I want you. Please…"</p><p>I took a mouthful of her, fingering her at the same time. Rise hiked her hips farther up the bed, moaning from my suddenness. I hadn't liked the way my exes tasted. At all. But Rise was so sweet, I couldn't get enough of her. I inhaled her through my mouth; my breaths and my tongue and my thrusting fingers all at the same time made her scream as loudly as she did. I couldn't say no to her, even with my body shutting down from all the alcohol. On the small table next to the bed, Rise had propped my digital camera there and set it to record. I didn't acknowledge it. I knew it was there, capturing every reaction I got out of her, every inch of her bare skin, her gorgeous body. That bright red light stayed in my periphery—annoyingly. I focused on Rise more to forget about it. To forget about everything.</p><p>When Rise came, shouting and shaking, I thought I had tired her out already. She only rested for a moment. Once she found her breath again, she pulled out one of our strap-ons from under the pillow. She made me put it on over my boxer briefs. I knelt over the bed while I tightened the straps. Mischievous and erotic as only she could be, Rise lay over the bed as she rubbed the lube in her hands. She held me completely in her eyes. I couldn't <em>feel </em>anything except the light tugging as she lubed me. Still, she made me groan. The feel of her long hair cascading over my thighs and bent knees was enough to keep me going for her—for as long as she needed.</p><p>Rise smirked up at me. "You have a major fetish for my hair, don't you?" she noticed. "I know you love it…"</p><p>She adjusted herself, moving to suck the head of this dildo. The vague feeling of her mouth ran down to the base, against me, and her hair shifted as she moved. It took everything in me not to lose it when Rise giggled just like her shadow—sexy and a little maniacal; drunk on the power she held over me. I gripped the roots of her hair, controlling her head to make her stop. I couldn't handle this. This was too much.</p><p>Rise climbed on top of me, her back against my front, telling me to, "Stay still. Hold me here," and she held my hands to her hips. She lowered herself over me. Wet sounds, the distant feeling of her opening over me, Rise's trust…I couldn't remember how worried I was about getting addicted to the drinking, the sex. I gripped her hips as firmly as she needed me to. Rise threw her head back over my shoulders, the length of her hair falling behind her back pressed against me. Grinding against me, she reached behind to lightly hold onto my forearms for support. This feminine softness in her hands got me off. The depth in her moans killed me just as softly. Rise had lit a fire in me; I kissed the bend of her neck, whispering as much to her. Her whole body quavered as she took in my words.</p><p>Sensuality shifted to something more carnal. Rise begged me to fuck her harder. I reached up, groping her breasts, ready to move into her at this angle. I could have… It would have been too shallow.</p><p>"You're so fucking beautiful, Rise," I growled in her ear, too far gone. She wrapped her arms around mine, whimpering. "It's not fair…you keep getting me drunk. Vulnerable. You could make me do anything. I know…deep down…you need to control this part of me. You dealt with a tyrant growing up. It makes sense that you'd want to control me…to make up for all those nights you touched yourself while watching porn to forget all your problems. You needed someone like me to save you from that hell."</p><p>I stayed inside of Rise and shoved her face-down to the bed. I grabbed the bends of her thighs, fucking her as hard as I could. I had lost myself in this unconscious haze. She brought this out in me, exactly as she wanted. Rise tore at the sheets, the wall, crying my name in pleasured pain. Trapped in this cage of me; she didn't want to get out. This soaked slapping over her ass and thighs was muffled by the cotton of my boxer briefs—barely—but it was loud enough to take her to the edge. She whimpered again and again, then weakened, breathing softer and softer until she slumped down over the bed.</p><p>I pulled out slowly. I was surprised when Rise tugged at my arm, wordlessly asking me to lay down with her. I kissed the sweat from her face, shifting her hair out of the way. That little smile spoke volumes.</p><p>"The craziest summer of my life," she murmured.</p><p>"Mine, too," I replied.</p><p>Rise studied my eyes. "You don't sound happy," she said, disappointed. "Why not?"</p><p>"Honestly…you're turning me into an alcoholic. Maybe a nymphomaniac. I have no idea. This whole touring thing is too much for me… I don't want to imagine what things will be like once you're on your own tours for several months at a time."</p><p>"What are you talking about?" she bit back. "We're having fun! We're young and famous—this is what we're supposed to do. Why are you getting all bent out of shape over it!?"</p><p>"You said yourself that you didn't want to get caught up in this life," I pointed out.</p><p>Rise glared at me. "That was then—this is now!" she argued. "Why would you turn into an alcoholic or a sex addict?!"</p><p>"It's perfectly possible, Rise… You keep giving me drinks. I can't say no to you, so I drink them. I get horny when I'm drunk. Just imagine it—I've had one too many drinks and you go off to party with your fans. Some hot girl comes up to me and asks me to take her to the stall. Remember…I'm not above fucking in public bathrooms for everyone to hear. I've had you in one. If my thinking is impaired…and I resent you for getting me drunk…what's stopping me from taking this girl up on her offer—?"</p><p>"Stop it!" yelled Rise, pushing me away. "Why would you say something like that…? Who are you?!"</p><p>Of course…Rise was extra sensitive because I wasn't being nice to her right after we'd had sex.</p><p>I hung my aching head off the side of the bed, reminding her: "I'm drunk, for fuck's sake…"</p><p>"Get out, Naoto! Get out of my room! I don't want you like this! Get out!"</p><p>That was rich… She made me like this, now she didn't want it. Not all of it. Rise didn't want to face the consequences of her actions… How juvenile. I got up picked my jeans up from the floor. I had to loosen the straps to fit this thing in my jeans. I was too lazy to take it off. I felt my wallet and phone in my pocket. I found my socks and put those on, too. These combat boots…they were comfortable…I could walk as far away from this bus as Rise needed me to with them on. I looked like such a stereotypical lesbian with this sleeveless tank top on over my bra. The jeans and boots made everything worse. I didn't care as much as I should have. I left the room and closed the door behind me. As soon as I was immersed in the tour bus party, I barely heard Rise sobbing on the other side of the door. I wanted to go back. She told me to get out. I was pissed off at her anyway… She was such a fucking contradiction sometimes.</p><p>I was about to leave the bus when Kanji found me. He had been having so much fun, partying with everyone. I wished he hadn't noticed me.</p><p>"Hey, hey, hang on!" shouted Kanji, grabbing my arm. "Where are you going?"</p><p>"Rise told me to get out, so that's what I'm doing."</p><p>Kanji gaped at me in shock. "She what!?"</p><p>"I'm leaving," I announced, walking down the steps. "You can either let go or come with me. Either way, I'm not staying here. It's too loud. My head hurts."</p><p>"Damnit, Naoto," cursed Kanji, leaving the bus with me. I yanked my arm away from him. "Look, can't you think this through? If you two got in an argument, I'm sure she just meant for you to find another room or something. Can't you sleep in my bed for tonight? I'll crash on the couch."</p><p>"That's an awful idea," I said, shaking my head. "That would give Rise another excuse to be mad at us both. It's ridiculous. She knows I'm not interested in you that way. I swear she has nightmares about me suddenly 'turning' straight and leaving her for you. That's the only way I can justify her…irrational, stupid, pointless behavior. But look at me…I'm drunk and I'm ranting. How embarrassing."</p><p>"No, it's okay," he insisted. "When's the last time you ate?"</p><p>"…I don't remember."</p><p>"Let's get some food in your stomach. Should help. There's a McDonald's a few blocks from here."</p><p>Americans were strange and rude. They openly stared as Kanji and I passed by. Japanese people didn't stare. They didn't gossip about you within earshot—not this loudly, anyway. As San Francisco was one of America's gay capitals, I wasn't surprised to find this many gay men out and about that night. A few lesbians checked me out. I could easily picture Rise steaming with jealousy, had she been here with me. As much as I appreciated Kanji's kindness, I knew I couldn't talk to him about this. <em>This </em>had been eating at me for well over a year—all of my idiotic fears about Rise's fame ruining our relationship, and how terrified I was of being alone without her.</p><p>I hated leaving her alone while she cried over me. But what the hell was I supposed to do? She kicked me out! This push and pull was bound to drive me insane. I had to vent about it to someone.</p><p>I pulled out my phone. Rise had sent me an angry text already. I ignored it and looked through my other texts. There was really only one person I could talk to… Chie had become a close friend since she had turned her back on Yukiko last year. While she was away at college, we still kept up regularly. I considered talking to her about this. Japan was at least twelve hours ahead of us here in California. It had to be the afternoon over there. And it was summer time…maybe she wasn't too busy. I looked up at Kanji; he got the hint and retrieved his headphones. He blasted his metal music as his way of giving me my privacy.</p><p>While I waited for Chie to pick up, I felt nervous. I couldn't remember the last time I'd reached out to anyone like this. It wasn't like me at all. But this was important… I didn't know where else to turn.</p><p>"<em>Naoto, hey!" </em>greeted Chie. She sounded like she was out with her college friends. <em>"I was just about to text you! I'm taking the girls to the station so we can visit Inaba. Are we gonna see you and Rise at the summer festival in a few days? Feels like I haven't seen you two and Moronji in forever!" </em>When I couldn't respond, Chie sensed that something was wrong. She told her friends to hold on while she went off to a secluded area. <em>"What's the matter? You okay?"</em></p><p>Where to begin…? "I'm sorry, Chie," I said. "I didn't mean to interrupt anything."</p><p>"<em>Don't worry about it. You're not interrupting. Really. I always have time for you. What's up?"</em></p><p>Whether it was because I was drunk or too sentimental, Chie's concern affected me too much. "First, I need to know…does Rise talk to you about…about our relationship?"</p><p>"<em>Hmm, nope," </em>replied Chie. <em>"I mean, sometimes she'll tell me about the places she wants to visit with you. Or she'll tell me how happy you make her and stuff like that. Nothing serious. I thought you guys were perfect together. Why…? Was I wrong about that? You sound kinda upset."</em></p><p>I explained the situation, leaving nothing out. Chie listened patiently. Once I was finished, Kanji and I had arrived to the fast food place. He went to go order while I sat at one of the tables. This thick smell of salt and French fries made me realize how hungry I was. Something about Kanji and Chie both caring about me in their own ways got to me, too. I didn't know what I'd done to deserve this from either of them. That on top of Rise's texts gradually changing from angry to sad, expressing how much she needed me back, and that she was worried that I wasn't on the bus anymore…it would have been too easy for me to cry like this. I was too proud for that.</p><p>"<em>I hate to say this," </em>said Chie. <em>"But it seriously sounds like she's manipulating you… Like, you're the most trustworthy person I know. You have such a big heart. Rise's super controlling from the sounds of things… It's easy for someone like that to take advantage of you. You're right when you said it can only get worse from here."</em></p><p>"I'm not sure what to do. The last time I tried to confront Rise about something unrelated, she shut me down until I saw her point of view. I'm afraid of what she'll do if I stand my ground on this."</p><p>"<em>I know it's hard, but you have to stand your ground. Maybe not right now. If she wants to make up, then I'd at least hear her out and smooth things over. It's just like you told me—your body literally can't handle the partying and crazy sex and all the drinking. If you go on tour with her again, Rise's only gonna pressure you into doing more. I'm actually pissed at her. What the hell made her think getting you drunk like this was a good idea?! Geez…"</em></p><p>"I know… I shouldn't have let her. I'm ashamed of myself…"</p><p>"<em>This isn't your fault," </em>she promised. <em>"I don't want you beating yourself up over this, okay? Rise needs to take responsibility for what she's done. Pay attention to the way she apologizes—if she does. If she's not owning up to what happened, you're gonna have to tell her you can't keep up with this whole thing."</em></p><p>I felt so small. Like I was about to cry. Kanji was just across the way. I couldn't let him see me break down. "What if she breaks up with me, Chie…? What then? Everyone always leaves me… I want her to stay. I can't let her go. I love Rise too much… She can't leave. She can't."</p><p>"<em>Naoto…"</em></p><p>Kanji was on his way back with our food. I turned away from him and wiped my face. "I have to go," I said, staring at the faint vandalism on the wall. "I don't want to be rude and eat while we're talking."</p><p>"<em>All right. Let me know when you get back to the bus. You'll get through this."</em></p><p>"Thank you, Chie… We'll talk later. I appreciate you listening to me."</p><p>"<em>Hey, you listen to me go on about the boys here all the time. The least I can do is help out when you need me. You're my best friend, Naoto. I'm here for you. Don't forget that!"</em></p><p>I felt Chie's concern from me even after our call ended. I knew she was right. The coward in me couldn't stand confrontations. I finally replied to one of Rise's texts, letting her know where I was. For some reason, she seemed angry that I was with Kanji instead of by myself—or, worse, with random strangers. Just like that, the relief I felt from my talk with Chie disappeared. I shoved my phone back in my pocket. I mumbled my thanks to Kanji for the meal and ate slowly. What the <em>hell </em>was Rise's problem? Why was she so jealous over me hanging out with him? He was her bodyguard. She purposely kept him around to make him jealous of her.</p><p>This was too much. The partying, the possessiveness, the playing around—all of it…</p><p>"You tell her where we're at?" guessed Kanji.</p><p>"Unfortunately," I soured.</p><p>Kanji took several gulps of his soda, thinking his words over. "Listen, I know you don't wanna hear this," he started.</p><p>"Tell me anyway," I insisted. "Don't shelter me. I <em>need</em> to hear it."</p><p>"Last year, when me and Yukiko-senpai kept saying you don't know Rise like you think you do…well, this is sorta what we meant. Like, yeah, Rise's a sweet girl when she wants to be. I know she's been through some shit and you don't wanna give her a hard time. The thing is, if you let her walk all over you, she's never gonna learn when to stop. Unless you put your foot down, this'll keep on happening. And before you say it—I know…you don't wanna be alone. I won't ever forget your shadow, the things she said…it's how you really feel on the inside."</p><p>I had an epiphany. Despite my coldness toward him, Kanji did understand me. He knew me in a way that I couldn't see from inside of my own skin. Rise must have known this somehow. Did she think I was so terrified of being alone that I would leave her for him, simply because he knew me as well as she did? Even though it made sense, it pissed me off all over again. Did she not get that I was <em>gay, </em>not bisexual like her, like he was? I wasn't going to suddenly <em>change my mind.</em></p><p>Kanji scowled. "Seriously, I hate Rise's freaking guts," he went on. "She's so damn petty, you know? She gets away with it 'cause she's <em>Risette </em>and everyone fucking worships her, including you. That shit goes right to her head whether you see it or not. At the same time, I know how you feel deep down. That's why I'm not leaving your side. Yeah, I hate her…but I-I love you more, so…I'm stuck with you two. Forever friend-zoned… Story of my life, I guess."</p><p>I had no idea what to say. Kanji blushed deeply and took our empty trays away. He was as devoted to me as I was to Rise. It would have been too easy to take advantage of him. Besides, Rise had done enough of that, keeping him as her bodyguard for the reasons she did. She knew that he loved me and she did this to him anyway. Everything grew worse when I heard Rise storm inside the building. She had on a black hoodie over her skirt, but I knew it was her. The way she charged over to Kanji made it more than obvious. They yelled at each other over me. I didn't want Rise to spot me here; I got up and left without either of them noticing.</p><p>I was fed up. I was too drunk to turn off my emotions and I was too deep in this relationship to find the space to breathe by myself. No matter how far I turned my head, it was impossible for me to look away from Rise, even if her image sickened me. Taking a walk wouldn't change that…I had to try.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Marukyu Striptease</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Fair warning that this chapter is off the walls crazy, on purpose. You'll see why.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mindless wandering along San Francisco's uneven roads that night brought me to a familiar place. In my drunken haze, I must have imagined the paint-like color-blocked rainbow covering the sky—pink and black, rising above the buildings and splayed out in my literal shadow behind me. I shielded my eyes from the hot pink lights of the club in front of me. A long line of shadowy figures wrapped around the block. The more I focused on them, the more the figures looked like real people. They <em>were </em>real. Simply more in-tune with their shadow selves. They waited in line, restless, heckling the silent, stoic bouncer to let them in, to no avail. My favorite song from Risette's mixtape blasted from inside the building, washed out from this distance.</p><p>Brighter pink letters over the door read <em>Marukyu. </em>Marukyu Striptease.</p><p>This place couldn't have been real… I'd only ever accessed it from inside the TV World. The people in line weren't shadows. Perhaps this was a playground of Rise's unconscious mind—or mine.</p><p>I went over to the apathetic bouncer. It was Yu… He stood there, chillingly quiet, staring at me without a word. Was this a manifestation of his shadow self? Had the others ever encountered his shadow for that matter? He must have skipped that part somehow, having gained his powers directly from Izanami herself. On top of his icy silence, Yu also wore a suit of pearly armor befitting a prince. His eyes didn't have that unnatural yellow glow. This was his reflection—his shadow that coexisted with his Persona.</p><p>"Um, Senpai?" I tried. Yu nodded to me. "Yes, good evening… Do you have any idea what's going on?" He pointed to my pants. "What…?"</p><p>Kanji's reflection burst through the door. "Ohh, Naoto, there you are!" he said gaily. Quite literally—he had that stereotypical accent, meshed with the depth of his natural voice. He wore the same clothes as the Kanji I remembered from earlier that night. "Just what we need—a lovely gentleman to <em>liven </em>the place up! Ah—but you know the rules! If you want in, you'd better prove your worth!"</p><p>"Err, m-my <em>worth?" </em>I asked, dumbfounded. "What on earth do you mean?"</p><p>"You've got a little <em>something </em>packin' in your pants, honey," he cooed. "Ooooh, I bet it's not little at all! Prove me right, you sexy twink, you. Whip out your dick and I'll let you <em>right </em>in!"</p><p>This must have been a terrible nightmare. I felt my hands moving on their own, tightening the straps around my waist. I unzipped my jeans and did as I was told.</p><p>Kanji squealed, clapping at me. "What a perfect cock!" he said, and pulled me inside the club. He clicked his tongue. "You lesbians have it easy sometimes. You get to pick your size and dick girls down—just like that! It's such a fuss, finding the right man with the right size and the right attitude… It's too bad the other you is such a killjoy. You two could bend me over anytime, at the same time…I'd love it."</p><p>Hearing Kanji's undisclosed desires disturbed me… I made him let go of me while we stood in the aisle of the striptease's theater. The inside of the club looked exactly as I remembered. Lights centered of the elevated stage; the perimeter was nothing but heavy theater curtains, purple velvet, with spotlights showing shadowed outlines of Rise's body in a sexy pose, or her lips as a single kiss; plush couches surrounded the area, filled with spectators cheering on the act playing onstage; two doors on the opposite ends of the stage led to labyrinthine halls with endless private showing rooms. I expected to see Risette there on the stage. Instead, I saw Yukiko's reflection with Chie's, both of them arguing, screaming. Yosuke's reflection sat near the front of the audience, cheering them on—"Take your tops off!" Almost everyone chanted similar things, including the women. They all derived a sick pleasure from watching two people fight like this. All the while, Kanji's reflection stared at me with a salacious look in his eyes. This same energy was the one I'd felt from his real self, only hidden behind friendship or concern. I had no idea what he saw in me that made him think these things.</p><p>Risette came running down the aisle toward me. "Naoto!" she said, hugging me around my neck. I held her instinctively, sensing Kanji's reflection seething next to us. "I've been waiting for this for so long. Other than that time at the arcade, I haven't had you to myself… <em>She's </em>been in the way, fucking everything up." Risette leaned protectively against me, glaring at Kanji's reflection. "Did you let her in?"</p><p>"Obviously," he replied, flippant. Here, Risette noticed what was between us. She glanced down at my pants and giggled. "What? Those are the rules to get in the club! Girls show their tits and guys show their dicks! That's what we all agreed on!"</p><p>"My <em>girlfriend </em>isn't a guy."</p><p>Kanji's reflection blushed. "…but why would I ask <em>Naoto </em>to show her tits? I'd love to and all… Wait."</p><p>Risette tugged at the dildo at my crotch. "You're such a slut, Kanji," she said, rolling her eyes. She smiled at my reactions to her. "I'm taking her to one of the rooms. Now, be a good boy and watch over the show. It'll be time for everyone to leave soon. I want the exodus to be as smooth as possible. Orderly. You know." Begrudgingly, Kanji's reflection went off to do his job. Risette held my face in her hands, watching me watch her. "Are you sober yet? This place is totally real. You aren't dreaming."</p><p>"I don't think I'm sober, no… How is this club real? I thought it didn't exist in this world."</p><p>"Margaret said my music video will unlock this part of everyone's minds and hearts. It'll be out in a few hours. Since you know me better than anyone, it makes sense that you're here early. Let's go talk in private while we wait for everything to start. It's way too loud out here."</p><p>Past the twisted entertainment on stage, Risette took me to one of the rooms in the back. The whole way there, she pulled me along by my dildo instead of my hand or my arm. I almost didn't want her to let go once we arrived, once she went to lock the door behind us. The circular, rose-scented room was colored like the rest of the club; the large bed in the center faced the sizable plasma screen along the wall. There was something about the plush-like velvet running over the walls… With a color change, this could have been a room to confine someone wearing a strait jacket. I couldn't remember the term…</p><p>Risette sat me down on the bed. She crawled over me, making me lie down. This bed was unusually soft, like her lips over mine, her breaths over my mouth intoned like the song in the far distance. Touching her, hands roaming, I felt her clothes—her summer Yaso uniform—and they were normal, unlike every other time I'd seen her. Kissing her like this felt…normal, in a good way, like it was supposed to happen. Risette wasn't trying to seduce me. She wasn't trying to fool me, to put on displays. All she wanted was to be in this moment with me. Feeling her tongue this gently along mine reminded me of simpler times: back when Rise and I got along better, when sex wasn't how we communicated best with each other.</p><p>Having this again after so long made me yearn for the past.</p><p>"I have something to show you," she murmured over my lips. "It should answer…a few questions. By the way—don't worry about cheating on Rise with me. It's impossible. We're different sides of the same person, that's all. Sure, I'm her reflection. I like to think of myself as a <em>negative</em> image of her."</p><p>Risette settled my head over the pillow, facing the TV at an angle. She used the nearby remote to turn the screen on, showing a scene from earlier in the year, back in March right after Chie's graduation. On that sunny day, Rise and Chie wanted to go shopping in Okina City, to buy Chie a new wardrobe to take to college with her. Kanji and I had gone along against our wills, really. We followed the girls around as their mobile hangers, carrying their outfits and bags for them. All I remembered from that trip was being incredibly bored, coming to life again only when Rise and Chie needed me to open a door for them or something similar. I had bonded with Kanji, in a strange way, through our shared boredom, as we stared at the same unused corners of the stores, or counted dots, tiles or various other things in the décor around us… What was significant about this day?</p><p>While Kanji and I had been distracted by our boredom, Rise and Chie had been able to speak as if we weren't there with them. I caught as much of their conversation as I could with Risette on top of me like this. She had me at an angle so that I could still watch the TV while she kissed my face, my neck, and my shoulders.</p><p>I almost couldn't focus on the memory of that day, too absorbed in how gentle Risette was with me. She sensed my distractions. She didn't stop. She made me feel like I could relax around her. Like there was no threat of us falling out. Like there was nothing in the world that could bother us. I did my best to pay attention to the screen, even between Risette gently grinding against me, sending this soft tension to the base of the shaft sticking out from my jeans. My attention was shot; my hands moved to Risette's skirt on their own; she laughed softly, nuzzling my neck, asking as but a warm whisper for me to watch the screen:</p><p>There in the hot pink interior of Croco Fur, Okina City's most popular fashion store, I saw Rise and Chie near one of the racks, browsing through clothes, holding tops up to the other's front to test if it matched with their skin tones. Kanji and I sat in a corner in the background, guarding the bags, both of us staring at…nothing, sometimes at each other. Out of earshot from us, the girls eventually changed the conversation to a relevant topic:</p><p>"Rise-chan," said Chie, worried. "I've been meaning to ask… Don't you hate Kanji-kun? Why do you keep him around as your bodyguard?"</p><p>Rise stared at a dress as she thought over her reply. "There's a reason…"</p><p>"And that reason is…?"</p><p>With a sigh, Rise glanced over at us in the corner. "Promise you won't say anything?" she pleaded.</p><p>"Yeah, no problem. I'm only curious, that's all."</p><p>"Okay, so there's this program Naoto found out about a while ago. It's kind of like the Midnight Channel, except no one but us has access to it. I've been using it to spy on Kanji. I can watch his dreams whenever he's asleep. This whole time, I've had the worst feeling about him. I kept him around at first because of that feeling… Then, a few weeks ago, I watched some of his dreams…"</p><p>Chie looked at her expectantly. "And…? What'd you see?"</p><p>Rise grimaced in disgust. "He keeps dreaming about asking Naoto out, getting shot down, and then…he's either watching us in bed or it's some fantasy where he sleeps with her to <em>change her mind.</em>"</p><p>"No way…"</p><p>"I know… If it was just a one-time thing, then maybe—maybe I wouldn't feel this way, at least not this strongly. But Kanji keeps dreaming about it over and over again. Naoto's been really into psychology lately, and it got me thinking… Like, he might actually be thinking about doing it right now. The weirdest thing about it is he never dreams about being dominant with her. <em>She's</em> the one fucking him—every single time."</p><p>"Wait, how?" asked Chie. Rise smirked wryly. "Oh… OH! Duh… Well, that's—different for Kanji-kun, I guess. He's usually bragging about how many guys he's had at the bathhouses."</p><p>Rise rolled her eyes. "He's such a slut," she said.</p><p>"So you're keeping him around to punish him? Hurt him?"</p><p>"You could say that…"</p><p>Chie put her hands over her hips. "Oh, come on," she admonished. "That's not good enough, Rise-chan. If you're gonna be manipulative like this, there's gotta be a real reason. You two obviously hate each other. The only thing stopping Kanji-kun from letting some mob get to you is how he feels about Naoto-kun. You're doing this on purpose."</p><p>Rise shrugged. "I want to make sure he knows that Naoto's mine," she said, blasé.</p><p>"Okay, but what if it was someone else dreaming about your girlfriend like that? Say I had some crazy fantasies about experimenting with her. Would you punish <em>me, </em>too?"</p><p>"Nope."</p><p>"Why not?!"</p><p>"It's not the same thing," answered Rise.</p><p>"How!?" asked Chie, gaping at her. "How's it different?" When Rise didn't reply, Chie sighed. "Look, I can't tell you what to do. Yosuke told me how Kanji-kun apologized last year. He's stopped writing those creepy letters. He's not hitting on Naoto-kun or anything like that. I wish you'd be more realistic and let this go. It's gonna blow up in your face if you don't."</p><p>Rise watched me from across the room. "I know," she acknowledged. "I'm a terrible person sometimes. Naoto knows I am. She stays with me anyway… Even now, she's sitting there with Kanji, bored out of her mind…but she isn't complaining. She's there, ready to hold our doors open for us or pull out our chairs whenever we sit down somewhere. I get this sick thrill out of her devotion to me. Almost like…I could kill someone, and go cry to her about it, and she'd tell me everything will be okay before helping me cover it all up. I'm not saying I'd do that for real… It's just…I love her so much. Why should I hold anything back to keep her from running away from me?"</p><p>"Hold anything back?" echoed Chie, uncertain. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"You know how our shadows became our Personas? We overcame our worst fears about ourselves, accepted them, and that turned into another mask for us to wear… I honestly believe Naoto fell in love with the real me. Not the fake mask I wear to keep people comfortable around me. I fell in love with the real her, too. The scared, lonely little girl who's tired of everyone leaving her… I love taking care of her. I love being there for her. In a twisted way, the real me keeps her hooked. It's chaotic…it is what it is."</p><p>Back in the present, in the club's private room, Risette spoke softly in my ear: "That same little girl has been here, in my striptease, having a great time with me… Don't you know how deranged you can be when you let loose? The things you say to us…the things you do to us… With a few drinks in your system, you're invincible. It's no wonder we're addicted to you fucking us when you're like that."</p><p>This was the path I'd chosen in my New Year's dream. I knew it for certain now. There was no getting out of this. Risette made that clear in the way she touched me, spoke to me.</p><p>"Even if you leave, Himiko will always know where you are. We'll find you again. We'll make you love us again. You won't be able to resist, my love… It's too late. So, Naoto, tell me what you think—do you hate us for loving you to death? Or do you hate yourself for not choosing the easy path when you had the chance? Because, let's face it…you might've gotten bored by now and left."</p><p>"Then I would've had a choice," I pointed out. "Had I chosen that path… I would've been able to leave."</p><p>Risette ran her hands up and down my body, sighing contentedly. "Probably," she guessed. "That's the way love goes. Either you keep the masks up to avoid hurting each other and you get bored… Or the masks come off and you hurt each other, but the sex is too good that you can't leave."</p><p>"I wasn't allowed to take the middle path. There was nothing there. Only the two roads."</p><p>"Balance is fake in and of itself, don't you think?" asked Risette. "You're still trying to keep the masks on. The personas get tiring sometimes. You start to wonder just <em>who </em>it is you fell in love with in the first place. But once the personas disappear, you don't know how to coexist anymore. I think it's better to have them off all the time. That way, you'll both know exactly who the other person is…"</p><p>I held her for a while, meaning to think everything over. Yet there was nothing to think about. I knew that I would stay with Rise until either she pushed me past my limits or until we destroyed each other. What limits did I have anymore? How would I know once she'd destroyed me? I recalled Chie's warnings—that I had to put my foot down, otherwise Rise would continue to walk all over me. This was my reality now, especially with everyone's shadows coming out to coexist with their personas. Our Investigation Team had been living like this for a while, with each of our shadows affecting us individually, only in different ways. It made sense that we were the first test subjects, seeing that we were closest to Rise and her music.</p><p>This was our new reality. I wondered how everyone else would react to being this much in-tune with their unconscious desires and thoughts. Now that I was more informed on the subject, I had a feeling that society itself wouldn't change much at all. We wouldn't devolve into complete anarchy and chaos. But the things people spent their money on—like Risette's music—and enjoyed in private…there would be much more reception to the messages she sent through her work. Instead of denying it, they would at least embrace it without admitting as much to anyone else.</p><p>"It's about that time," announced Risette, pulling me up with her. "I wouldn't expect <em>too </em>many changes. Certain people will be more vulnerable, for sure… Not everyone will be all that different. Especially the people who already love my music." She led me back outside, out to the main theater, filled with people leaving in a mass group. "It'll be up to you to decide—do you want to stay with me and go through this together? Or are you gonna run away and make me chase after you forever? Change your mind, put me through hell—do whatever you want. I'm staying in your life no matter what."</p><p>Through the confusion in the crowd, I lost Risette, caught up in the cacophony of sinister laughter. The people swept me outside, out to the echoing cheers in the night. Everyone ran through the streets, searching for their real selves, to become reunited with them at long last. My head ached terribly. I could hardly stand anymore. I collapsed in the middle of the road, staring up at the pink and black rainbow in the sky. I was barely aware of my phone vibrating in my pocket. With all the noise around me, I ignored it, too weak to answer. I sensed Himiko deep inside of me, tracking my location. She had been here for some time. I only hadn't noticed until now. Rise would find me soon.</p><p><em>Marukyu Striptease</em>…many moons ago, Risette had teased about stripping bare here for all to see. That had been Rise's repressed self way back when. She had since evolved into someone who wanted to strip away her masks, her personas, all for me, to make sure I didn't forget exactly who it was I'd fallen in love with. Now that I thought about it, this was what her album was about, too. The media stripping her of her innocence, sexualizing her; a song about how it felt when I took her clothes off and looked—and felt—deep inside of her; another about how liberating it felt to love me this freely. When Rise and Kanji finally found me here on the ground, I felt my heart pounding up to my ears. They screamed frantically above me, asking if I was all right. One of them heard my phone in my pocket and answered for me, only to get an earful from Chie—she was livid with both of them for losing me while I was drunk. I realized then that Chie lied to me earlier. For the sake of keeping her promise to Rise, she'd lied about not talking about our relationship to her. I couldn't be all that angry. Still, none of them had a clue as to how much I'd needed to get lost that night. How much I'd needed this experience.</p><p>I wasn't interested in Rise's persona. The leader, the one who always knew where to go, who could find anyone or anything; the cute, inoffensive girl who everyone loved simply because she was unproblematic. I knew who she really was. Despite taking advantage of my willingness to stay, and my unwillingness to let her go, she knew who I really was, too. Wasn't that important? Wasn't that what truly mattered in this world that had once been full of fake falsities and half-truths?</p><p>I wondered how long I could last with Rise and Risette as one person until they broke me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Fortune</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After the whirlwind of weeks in America, we returned to Inaba in time for the summer festival. I was already at the Tatsuhime Shrine that evening. I'd left Rise alone in her room to take a nap earlier that morning. Sleeping in my car had been the better option. We hadn't said a word during the plane ride back here. She was in this mixed state of being worried about me while at the same time resenting me for not kissing her ass after our argument. And here I was, in the middle of the lively festival, wearing one of my best outfits, waiting until she arrived for our date. I lingered near the offering box, nursing my mental whiplash from this whole thing. We didn't need to say anything to each other. We both knew exactly how the other felt. This feeling was familiar to me; it was even more pronounced now that everyone who'd heard her latest single was more in-tune with their unconscious selves.</p><p>We knew that we couldn't stand each other right now. We knew that this was likely our last summer in Inaba. We didn't go to this festival together last year. It <em>had </em>to be a date.</p><p>Everyone around me was livelier than they normally would have been. The people milling about the mobile stalls didn't seem to have a filter. They said whatever was on their minds, loudly, without caring who overheard. The women in yukata laughed at the top of their lungs. Many of them sang Risette's latest single, poorly so, turning the festival into a bad karaoke night. I focused on the endless clicking of the summer bugs in the distance, still waiting for Rise to show up. She had invited Chie and her college friends to her room so that they could all get dressed in their yukata together for the festival.</p><p>I was intrigued that nothing had changed all that much in the world. Aside from people being more vocal than usual, things were virtually the same.</p><p>I found a secluded area and checked my phone. Risette's single had sold extremely well so far, both here in Japan and everywhere else. She had benefitted from consumers not being afraid of the obscene anymore. Risette had set a new status quo, carving out a new market for herself. According to several sources, she was bound to have the number one spot on the charts for quite some time. There was significant buzz over her music video. It had millions of views online already. There were clever rumors going around about what I really did to Risette in the video to make her react that way. I was about to watch it again until I received a text. It was from Rise. She'd sent a private video to my email drive.</p><p>Skeptical, I checked to see what this private vid was. If this was some angry, argumentative message…</p><p>I stopped breathing as soon as I saw the first frame. Rise was there, in her bedroom, on all fours over the bed. She reached out to adjust my digital camera; my eyes went straight to her cleavage. All she had on was a purple lace bra. From the curves of her body, I saw the matching underwear she had on. Her auburn hair cascaded as thick silk down her shoulders and back, messy in a sexy way. From the tint of the light over her skin, Rise had filmed this earlier this morning. Once she finished setting my camera where she wanted it, Rise scowled at me with such intensity in her eyes; I could hardly stand it. I paused the vid. I fumbled for my headphones in my pocket, looking around to make sure no one was nearby.</p><p>This was the exact reaction Rise wanted from me.</p><p>I fell right for it.</p><p>"<em>Hey, you," </em>said Rise, winking at me. <em>"It's quiet without you here. I know you're out sleeping in your car in the alleyway. You could have been up here, fucking me, taking your anger out on me instead of keeping up this silent treatment… Remember the very first argument we had over other people liking us? After I kissed you for the first time, I asked if it was worth arguing with me. You said no. I've been waiting for you to kiss it better. It's too bad you're stubborn…"</em></p><p>Rise shifted at an angle for me to see all of her. Her gorgeous body was that much fuller than last year and the year before. She knew my focus went right to her thighs; she caressed them, up to the curve of her waist and back down again. I was thrust into the memory of her warm thighs clamped around my head. Watching her hand touch her own body reminded me that that could have been me touching her instead. She drew her long acrylic nails over her slightly tanned skin soaking in the morning light. The way she looked at me, the way her large breasts moved with her breaths, the way she moved her hand—everything she did came naturally to her: naturally sexy and so feminine.</p><p>I felt myself tensing up. I groaned when she hooked her nails along the lace of her underwear; louder when she smoothed her hand up to hold her breasts one at a time, lace bra shifting with her touch.</p><p>"<em>Don't you know how many people would </em>kill <em>to have me?" </em>she went on.<em> "I think you do. You're caught up with trying to teach me a lesson. It's not going so well now, is it?" </em>Rise crawled closer to the camera, smiling mischievously. All the tension in my body went straight between my legs. <em>"Let me remind you just how good you are at overpowering me. You should do it again the next time you want me to listen."</em></p><p>The video transitioned to darker footage of me fucking her from behind the other night. I had gone at her with everything I had; Rise screamed and scratched at the wall, back fully arched, almost crying from how good it felt.</p><p>Back the video cut to this morning—Rise leaned in closer, close enough to let me see the gloss over her lips. I knew exactly which one it was; I remembered the taste of it over my mouth. From this close, I could hear every little inflection in the sultry sweetness of her voice. With my headphones on and the volume all the way up, it almost felt like she whispered right in my ears. Only Rise could be sexy and sweet at the same time like this, equally; her voice embodied that completely. I had such a weakness for her voice, no matter the tone. My knees almost gave way while I listened to her.</p><p>"<em>I know you, Naoto. Underneath that silent, serious persona of yours, you're a sexy ass freak. Sometimes we talk about how messed up it is that people sexualize me. It turns me on when you're the one doing it. Even all the fucked up double-standards in society…how a woman's a whore just for wanting sex, how she's a slut for sleeping with only one person—I love it when they call me those things when they know that I'm yours. All the hentai they make about us, where I'm suddenly this passive object who's only good for getting nailed by you…I love it, too. If you weren't in the picture, then of course I'd be offended. Since these things are pretty much inevitable, I've learned to like them when you're involved…"</em></p><p>Rise crawled over the bed, facing away from the camera. With enough room for me to see <em>everything, </em>she showed me her ass, staying on all fours. She slipped her hand between her legs, stroking over the lace. I saw how wet she was. How she glistened in this light, how tight her lace underwear wrapped around her. Slowly, she slipped her underwear down her thighs, letting it stay there. I heard Rise's moans; the sounds of her sliding her hand inside to finger herself. I almost dropped my phone. She threw her head back, long hair whipping behind her as she went non-stop. Rise turned her head just enough to look back at me, submissive want in her eyes. She gave me the perfect illusion that I fucked her from behind right now as I watched.</p><p>"<em>Don't you want to fuck me, baby?" </em>she breathed. <em>"You're sick…you're perverted like me, like everyone. I want it, Naoto. I want all of it. Give it to me… Don't hold it in. Don't hold back. If you do…" </em>Rise stopped. She turned back around, moving closer again. Close enough to let me watch her suck and lick her wet fingers. <em>"I'm not gonna be happy. You want to make me happy, don't you? I'll admit it…sometimes I do push your buttons to make you mad. I want you to let everything out on me. Maybe I'm childish… At the end of the day, no matter what's going on—if I'm being a bitch, or you're being a smartass…at least we're doing it to each other. That's important to me." </em>She sighed blissfully. "<em>Chie and her friends are almost here. I have to go. I hope you enjoyed this…" </em>Rise smirked and blew me a kiss, waving goodbye. <em>"Bye for now."</em></p><p>When the video faded to black and stopped, I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I could hardly think. I wanted to watch it again. That want consumed me. But I knew Rise. She'd timed this perfectly. She was bound to arrive soon. She wanted to see my reaction. I put my phone and headphones back in my pocket, mind reeling. It wasn't fair… It wasn't fair that she knew how to get to me like this. Rise's attractiveness was out of this world. If it were anyone else, I wouldn't have felt anything. I wouldn't have been throbbing this much, or at all, after watching that vid.</p><p>I was stuck on her. Maddeningly so. Even as the summer sounds of clicking bugs and the festival's music came rushing back to my ears, Rise's voice echoed in my head. <em>I had to have her</em>. This need rushed through me with nowhere to go. It was thick, persistent; Himiko's presence inside of me, tracking me, was but a faint whisper while I walked back to the front of the shrine's main hall.</p><p>Then I heard those voices: a group of girls talking animatedly as they approached. Chie and five of her college friends were there with Rise, each of them wearing their own unique yukata with different colors. Kanji walked behind them in his black tank and jeans, looking irritated as usual. He loosened up when he saw me. I barely caught sight of Rise in her yukata before Chie's friends all swarmed around me, clearly interested in me and asking a bunch of questions. Did they think I was a man…?</p><p>"We saw you in Risette's music video!" one of them said.</p><p>"Oh, Naoto-kun, you were so handsome in the video," said another. "She has no idea how lucky she is…"</p><p>"Risette wouldn't stop talking about you earlier!" said yet another.</p><p>And yet another went on, "Is it true that you and Risette have sex at your high school in empty classrooms and stuff? You two really are living it up in your last year there, huh?"</p><p>Chie dispersed the crowd around me. "Knock it off, will ya?" she told them, annoyed. "I told you Naoto doesn't like this kind of attention. You're being super rude!" Her words seemed to go right over her friends' heads—they stared at me with longing. She sighed. "Man, this is awkward… Um, Naoto, these are my friends from school. Remember I told you about them? For some reason, ever since Rise's vid came out, they've been kinda obsessed with you. Or maybe they always have and they're just now showing it…"</p><p>She introduced me to her friends one by one. I tried to pay attention and learn their names. Yet I caught myself glancing at Rise more than once. She wore a beautiful lavender yukata with cherry blossoms patterned near the bottom, rising up along her front. Rise had put a lot of effort into her hair and makeup. Just from how put-together she looked, I could have easily mistaken her cotton yukata for an expensive silk kimono. Chie's friends didn't appear to notice that my focus was elsewhere.</p><p>"Ladies," I said politely, nodding to them. They beamed at me.</p><p>Rise leaned on me, smiling. Without thinking, I wrapped my arm around her waist, gently pulling her closer. "Isn't she a charmer?" she asked. Again, Chie's friends fawned over me. I was surprised that Rise was entertained instead of jealous. <em>I </em>was surprised that they knew I wasn't a man and still, they felt this way. Unconscious desires… "Anyway, Naoto's taking me on a date. We'll catch up with you later, okay?"</p><p>"Sure thing," said Chie. She herded her friends away. Kanji wandered off, staying relatively close by.</p><p>"So," started Rise, once we had our privacy. "You watched it, didn't you?" I felt like a one-word answer wasn't enough. I kissed her neck, lingering there. Rise's rose perfume always smelled new and fresh to me. She laughed softly in satisfaction. I felt the long sleeves of her yukata wrap around me. "…listen, I'm sorry. Chie had a talk with me earlier while we got dressed."</p><p>"About the other night, I presume?" I asked.</p><p>"Yes… I didn't mean to make you miserable. It's just—whenever you let go with me, it turns me into someone else. The worst part is, I know I'm never gonna stop this. At least…not until I grow up some more. Even then, I'm not so sure. That's bad…isn't it?"</p><p>I stared into Rise's eyes, mesmerized by the sincerity there. I should have been angry with her. She knew that was impossible right now. The mild lights from the mobile stalls around us lit her face just so, coloring her genuineness all the more. The festivities and excitement around us faded away. I felt immersed in a sense of déjà vu. What Rise had said was true. It was obvious. I loved her so much…I didn't have a choice but to forgive her for her faults. Any other time, I would have hated this powerlessness. And yet I was enthralled by her. Rise's childishness somehow seemed attractive when I looked at all of her qualities as a whole. I knew there were powers at work, making me feel this way in this moment.</p><p>"I love you," was all I could say. And I meant it—more than anything.</p><p>Rise widened her eyes in surprise, blushing sweetly. "I love you, too," she said, smiling, almost shy.</p><p>We spent the evening together, walking along the shrine's roads and admiring the festival. The smell of freshly-cooked food and sugary sweets filled the air as we passed through the crowd. Having Rise's arm in mine as I led her along had always made me feel special, useful. Those feelings amplified that night. This was the first time we'd experienced this festival as a couple after living in Inaba for so long. Despite how restrictive it was to walk in her yukata, Rise was at ease with me. The heat from the summer and from the meat grills we walked by didn't faze her. I thought she might have wanted to play some of the games or have a meal. She had mentioned some time ago that this festival reminded her of Yu. Perhaps she didn't want to indulge in the festivities to avoid any memories she had of him.</p><p>When we went to go draw our fortunes, I thought about telling her the last one I'd drawn—the half-curse. Rise and I placed our offerings in the box at the same time. We both drew our fortunes. Just as last time, I felt uneasy as I unrolled the <em>omikuji</em>. Getting another bad fortune seemed inevitable…</p><p>大吉 - <em>Great Blessing</em></p><p>
  <em>Engagement, marriage</em>
</p><p>"Curse?!" cried Rise. "Oh no… A person I'm waiting for? How's that possible…?" She looked to me. "What did you get, babe?"</p><p>I showed her my <em>omikuji, </em>saying, "This is much better than the last one."</p><p>Rise smiled. "Marriage, huh?" she teased. "Is this a hint for the future?"</p><p>"What do you mean?" I asked, feeling my face heat up.</p><p>"Don't you remember last Christmas when Nanako-chan asked what would happen if you and I got married? She wanted to know if we'd have a family. I didn't really answer her question… It reminded me of my parents and…you know the rest. Every now and then I think about us having that kind of life together. It makes me happy. Do you wonder about it at all?"</p><p>We tied our fortunes to the nearest tree. "Not lately," I evaded.</p><p>"I know… Do you <em>ever </em>think about that with me? Or am I the only one that feels this way about us?"</p><p>Rise's boldness still managed to catch me off guard, even after all this time. It wasn't like her to hold anything back. I had us walk over to the same secluded area where I'd been earlier. Kanji followed us, if only to do his job and keep an eye on Rise. As with before, he stayed some distance away, out of earshot from our conversation. Whether he overheard us or not, I had to be honest.</p><p>"The topic's relevant because of my fortune—I understand," I explained. "Still, I can't help but feel like you've caught me off guard. Whenever I'm reminded of marriage—if I see news about a newlywed couple—then, yes, I think about us in their shoes someday… With everything going on between us, I feel like I would be very nervous to propose to you. More so than I normally would be."</p><p>"Tell me more," said Rise, softly captivated.</p><p>"You do know that I can't quit you…right?"</p><p>"Of course! I love that you can't."</p><p>"As dangerous as this is, you love it?" I asked.</p><p>Rise leaned against me fully, kissing me. "If I'm going to burn, then I want you to be the one to set me on fire," she spoke over my lips. "If anyone's going to hurt me in life, then I want it to be you. If I'm going to be happy, then I want you by my side. No one else."</p><p>"I feel as if I should know this already…why me? Why do you feel this strongly?"</p><p>"You're so dreamy, Naoto," she said, caressing my shoulders, my neck. "I hate to sound cliché… We're pretty much the definition of <em>opposites attract. </em>You're mature, responsible, level-headed and thoughtful. I'm more unpredictable than that. You need to wait and observe before you make a move. I love putting on a show for you to draw you to me. Everything about our energy together makes me feel like we're a perfect match. Don't you think so?"</p><p>"Yes, I see what you're saying," I replied.</p><p>Rise didn't mind my reticence at all. She pressed her smirk to my ear, whispering: "That's why…if you proposed to me some day, I definitely wouldn't say no."</p><p>"I'll keep that in mind."</p><p>I felt heartless, not being able to reciprocate her passions in this moment. There was too much on my mind. At the same time, I liked that Rise wasn't bothered by my distance. She understood…this time. That alone opened me up to her all the more. This loving, devoted nature Rise possessed—how she didn't hold it back simply because I didn't react how a normal person would have—it was special to me, kept me infinitely attracted to her. I gave in to her later that night, setting my doubts aside…for now.</p><hr/><p>Summer break soon came to an end. On the last night before school, Rise and I went to the fireworks festival together. As we watched the fireworks display light up the sky, we made a promise that we would take advantage of our last year of high school. Being in the oldest group of students, we were bound to have certain privileges: we knew our way around the building, and we had a better idea of what we could get away with these days. As soon as our college entrance exam schedule calmed down, we'd have to find a way to sneak off somewhere and do what we wanted.</p><p>The first week of school in September wasn't as chaotic as I'd imagined. The students who were typically problematic were quieter than usual. And the ones who used to be quiet and studious had grown loud and raucous—not nearly enough to cause too many distractions, but it was noticeable nonetheless. Like shining a light on the opposite sides of their bodies, their shadows had shifted to the forefront.</p><p>And the people who remained unaffected—they must have been more aware of their unconscious selves. There was no real change to be made.</p><p>The next week was our school trip with the rest of the third years. Because of budget limitations, we hadn't gone last year. We were due to take a train to visit Okunoshima with Gekkoukan High's third years, while the first and second years went on another trip elsewhere. We would stay in the area for the weekend, visiting the island during the day to see the sights there, having free time in the evening, and then retreating to our hotel rooms afterward. As it was due to rain some time during the trip, our teachers thought against having us camp out on the island. I preferred staying in a hotel anyway. Just in case there was a security concern with Rise—overactive fans noticing her on the island, or anything like that—I had Kanji drive my car down to the area where our hotel was. The three of us could leave immediately if we absolutely had to.</p><p>"We didn't get to ride the train together last time!" Rise had said. "Remember you were busy being the mysterious lone wolf and avoiding the rest of us? I want this memory with you."</p><p>At the train station in Inaba that bright and sunny day, I stayed on the busy platform with Rise at my side, holding her hand; waiting with our classmates and teachers until our train arrived. I kept an eye out for anything strange going on around us. Without Kanji here, I had to be more attentive than usual. Everyone's conversations on the platform meshed as one, as a bunch of noise, keeping me from hearing my own thoughts. Rise spoke excitedly with our classmates about the trip, what they hoped to see on the island. Across the way, on the other end of the crowded platform, I saw a few groups of furtive-looking boys from other classes in our year. They couldn't keep their eyes off of Rise and me. When they saw me glaring at them, they quickly looked away. I hoped they wouldn't cause any trouble.</p><p>Kanji sent me a text—<em>"Princess Risette doing ok?"</em></p><p>I scoffed, sending a reply: <em>"She's fine. You shouldn't text and drive at the same time. Please, think of my car and everyone else on the freeway."</em></p><p>"<em>Trust me, I care about your badass car like it's my own. I'll get it to the hotel without a scratch, don't worry. I'm a pro at this! I'll wait for you guys at Tadanoumi Station."</em></p><p>"<em>Yes, very well. Our train's arriving now. Goodbye, Kanji."</em></p><p>"<em>Bye, Naoto…"</em></p><p>I sat with Rise and her friends—her fans—on the train, looking everywhere except at our group. There was quite the crowd around us from our classmates who were on a first-name basis with Rise, talking to her about the trip and her career. Relaxed, easygoing, Rise leaned on me the whole way, absently playing with my free hand. I had my arm wrapped protectively around her, paying attention to the conversation again whenever I was mentioned. Halfway to Okunoshima, the Gekkou High third year students and their teachers boarded the train. Their black and red uniforms made them stand out from our black and white ones. The crowd around us grew even larger—many of Risette's fans had been looking forward to this trip mainly to meet her.</p><p>When we arrived to Tadanoumi Station that afternoon, we met up with Kanji. During the ten minute ferry ride to Okunoshima proper, Rise could hardly contain herself. She held my arm as we stood in front of the wide window, jumping up and down a little, grinning from ear to ear. Her uniform skirt kept brushing against my pants. I couldn't keep my thoughts away. The ferry was crowded. It would have been easy to touch her… I caught myself staring down at Rise's legs too often. I tried distracting myself—I looked out to the open sea, to the darkening clouds overhead, the faint traces of raindrops that had dried over the window. Considering what we were going to see, I had to smile.</p><p>"Baby, we're almost there!" said Rise. "Ohh, I've been looking forward to this for so long! This is gonna be amazing! Kanji, you have to take pictures of us!"</p><p>Kanji waved his hand. "Yeah, sure. I always do."</p><p>Once we were actually on the island, Rise was fit to burst from anticipation. I loved seeing her this happy. She impatiently swung our linked hands from side to side while we waited for our group to form. Mr. Edogawa from Gekkoukan High was to be our group leader and lecturer for the trip. He seemed to be a down-to-earth man, fairly relaxed. His large glasses caught all the glare from the dark clouds above, obscuring most of his long face; his loose white lab coat and the pencil tucked behind his ear actually made him appear approachable. I was more interested in his upcoming lectures on Jungian psychology. I had no idea how he was meant to present his lessons to us while we were on the island.</p><p>"All right, everyone," called Edogawa. "If you'll follow me, we'll find a nice spot to settle down. Hopefully it doesn't rain before we get to meet our new friends…"</p><p>Our group of thirty-or-so students—half from Yaso High, half from Gekkou High—followed after him. Okunoshima was an island where the military had once conducted poison gas experiments from around the early 1900s until the end of World War II. Now that Japan was a war-free nation, the poison gas experiments had ceased, and all that remained of those days were the museums scattered about the island. I gathered that most of the students didn't care about that part of the island's history. Really, they were all excited about—</p><p>"Bunnies!" cried Rise. "They're here, they're here! Look at all of them!"</p><p>Everyone grew distracted over the groups of wild rabbits we passed. Okunoshima, or Bunny Island, was home to countless feral rabbits. No one knew the real story of how they'd arrived here. They had burrowed several holes in the dirt as their homes. The island's employees left pails of water around for the rabbits to drink. Visitors brought food with them to feed them as well. While our group found a secluded spot to sit, dozens of rabbits came over to us. Soon all we could hear was our classmates admiring the rabbits. Kanji handed Rise the bag of rabbit food he'd bought at the station. She and I sat down over the concrete together. As soon as she held out some of the food, about twenty rabbits padded over to us, crowding around our legs. They were all very friendly and didn't mind being petted and fawned over.</p><p>Rise squealed and giggled, a little ticklish from their fur and paws brushing against her bare legs. I found myself grinning as she held onto me. The rabbits seemed to keep coming out of nowhere to eat together.</p><p>Edogawa let us spend time with the rabbits for a while before getting our attention. "I thought this would be a good segue into discussing psychology," he said to us. "Everyone knows the little joke about what rabbits symbolize. Normally, a joke like that would be inappropriate in, say, an office setting. The recent phenomenon with people speaking their mind, no matter the setting, has caused a lot of speculation. Does anyone know how to possibly explain these changes in society?"</p><p>I let someone else raise their hand to answer the question. Rise knew that I knew what to say. She nudged me with a grin; I shook my head. Had I said anything, I would have stolen Edogawa's thunder and spoiled the whole lecture. While Edogawa transitioned into an introduction to personas and shadows, I noticed one of the rabbits had perched over my leg and fallen asleep there. Kanji snapped a picture of me looking down at it. There was another crowd of rabbits casually roaming about nearby.</p><p>"Aww, this one likes you," whispered Rise. "So adorable… Do you like this place, babe?"</p><p>"I do," I replied. "I like that you're having fun. It's always nice to see you smile."</p><p>Rise rested her head over my shoulder, petting another rabbit. "I'm such a girl when it comes to cute things," she admitted. "Doesn't it get on your nerves?"</p><p>"Not at all. Honestly, you're cuter than the animals when you're like this."</p><p>"Stop it," she said shyly.</p><p>"You know I'm right."</p><p>"Ugh, it's been a year and a half since you first called me cute and I'm still not over it…"</p><p>Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed we had a few admirers on the Gekkou side of our group. I didn't let that stop me from kissing Rise's forehead. Of course, Edogawa noticed.</p><p>"As for our two star students, they, too, set an example," he lectured. Rise smirked in amusement. "I explained that the persona is the 'other you' that comes out when interacting with others. Meanwhile, the shadow is the 'other you' that you constantly reject as 'evil.' Miss Risette, if you don't mind me asking: when you interact with Naoto here, is your persona at the forefront? Or does your shadow not mind public affection?"</p><p>Rise clung to me tighter. "My shadow <em>loves</em> public affection, Mr. Edogawa," she said with a hint of mischief and something more. "I don't hold anything back with her. Naoto pretends like she's too cool for my hugs, but I know better. I like bringing out everything she'd normally reject… It's not evil."</p><p>Edogawa adjusted his glasses, taken aback by her suggestiveness. "Then it would appear that the two of you have 'networked' into the other's unconscious minds," he guessed. "We all tend to have certain, shared sensitivities. Because of this, it is possible to group each of us into certain archetypes. I do believe Naoto is what one would call a Lone Wolf, while Risette is indeed a Lover. When these two archetypes meet: opposites attract. In networking this way, you have both tapped into the collective unconscious shared by all human minds. That's a long-winded way of saying you're a great match!"</p><p>Our group stayed on the island until sunset, listening to Edogawa define each term more in-depth and relate them directly to our everyday lives. I really enjoyed his lecture and the trip. On our way back across the ferry, Rise surprised me by asking me out on a date. She wanted us to go eat at one of the restaurants in town. By the time we returned to our hotel room to change into our regular clothes, it was due to rain at any minute. Kanji elected to stay in his room with his roommates, trusting me to keep Rise safe without him. I assumed he'd had enough of watching us together for one day.</p><p>I drove us to the restaurant a few blocks away. The nearby area was packed; it took forever to find a place to park. As soon as I found a space, it started raining. I brought my umbrella with us as we went inside. The inside of the building was quite nice—a little upscale. Not too far from the dinner tables near the center was a dance floor where other couples slow-danced to the live instrumental-only band playing. Most of the customers here were older—at least middle-aged. Rise must have picked this place, knowing that we'd have our privacy. I couldn't see any of our classmates coming to eat dinner here.</p><p>After I pulled out Rise's chair for her to sit, I took my seat across from her. I noticed the weight behind her smile. Something troubled her. I waited until after she ordered our food for us before asking:</p><p>"What's bothering you?"</p><p>Rise smiled a bit more over my attentiveness. "I want to ask you something," she admitted. "Only…I know it won't go over well. You'll probably say no and hurt my feelings. Or maybe I'm being silly…"</p><p>It wasn't like her to hesitate to ask me anything. "You should ask me anyway," I suggested.</p><p>"…you know as soon as we graduate in March, I have to go on tour, right? I can't keep putting it off. I'm already delaying my album release until November. That way, my fans won't have to wait too long to see my shows in person. I'll probably be gone at least until next September or October. That's a really long time for us to be apart. I was wondering…if you wanted to come with me."</p><p>Rise already knew my answer. I couldn't go with her. Not after what happened last time. At the same time, six or seven months of being separated was bound to cause problems for us. When I didn't voice my answer out loud, I noticed Rise growing nervous. She drank her water to avoid this stubborn silence, her grip over the glass shaking. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't want to argue with her about this. Not here, not anywhere.</p><p>We said nothing to each other, not even after our meal arrived. We used our chopsticks to eat from the shared plate in the center. Every now and then we reached for the same piece of meat. I let her have it each time. And every time that happened, I went back and forth on my stance with this issue. If I actually told Rise that no, I wasn't going, I knew she would take it personally. Honest to God—I didn't want to hurt her in any way. But I didn't trust myself to say no to her when it mattered most. Rise could have pressured me into doing anything she wanted. We were both equally at fault. I should have been able to decline; she should have had the foresight to find some other ways to get me to let go, if that was truly what she wanted. She had made it abundantly clear that she wasn't going to change any time soon.</p><p>My decision over this tour was destined to drive us apart.</p><p>I knew that I couldn't keep Rise happy <em>and </em>avoid the fast-paced life she craved. I knew that I couldn't keep her happy by running away to the steady lifestyle I was used to. She wanted to party and fuck; deep down, I wanted the same, but I didn't trust myself to live that way without self-destructing. My only alternative was to wander around in this new world, going wherever I felt I was needed. And yet I knew that Rise needed me—more than anyone, more than anything.</p><p>This was the first time I actually considered that, maybe, we weren't meant for each other. At least…not now.</p><p>Not at this point in our lives.</p><p>The realization rushed through me as I stared at our mostly-empty plate. I couldn't—didn't want to accept this. The truth stung at my eyes; I blinked it away, but this cutting heartache wouldn't leave me. In my periphery, I caught Rise pulling at her hands. She was still nervous; still figuratively waiting for an answer I couldn't give her. The depths of her devotion for me were clearer than ever before. I knew in my heart that she would have waited for me indefinitely, if that was what it took. I couldn't see her getting fed up with my indecision and going off with some other person. What if she did? What if she lost her love for me during those long months of touring? What if she decided I wasn't good enough for her anymore? I felt like I <em>had </em>to go. But I couldn't commit to this. I absolutely could not. If I got too drunk again, and we stumbled into another argument—worse than the last time—I might have lost control and done something I could never take back.</p><p>Rise finally said something when the song changed. "I love this song," she told me, staring absently out the window. The pelleting rain against the window was a melody in itself. "It's pretty old. I think it came out in the 1970s. The first time I heard it, I thought it was so beautiful and romantic." She regarded me thoughtfully. "The line about how the other person staying in love with him is a lot like tossing a coin…it reminds me of your Arcana. <em>Fortune</em>. I'm lucky to be yours…even when I'm in pain over you."</p><p>I understood her hint loud and clear. Rise thought I didn't; she went back to staring out the window. I took a deep breath, lungs and stomach full of nerves, and stood up. I went to her side and held out my hand. She looked up at me in surprise. She looked up at me like she needed this.</p><p>"May I have this dance?" I asked her.</p><p>I sensed the people around us trying not to stare. I didn't care about them. All I cared about—now and forever—was Rise and what she needed. Gently, she smiled and rested her palm over mine. I guided her over to the dance floor. The other couples were focused on one another; they didn't notice us. Holding Rise close to me like this, around her waist, I fell right into her love for me. I couldn't leave. I couldn't tell myself that this wasn't real, that this wasn't worth it. Rise wrapped both of her arms around my neck, burying her face into my quickened pulse. A slow-dance was best for our first actual dance together.</p><p>Hidden in the crowd, we were completely alone. This ache within me came up to my eyes again. I kept the side of my face over Rise's hair, lost in the smell of her. I was too ashamed to let her see me right now, and yet she was this close to me… Holding my breath only did so much to hide how I felt.</p><p>I tried to fool myself into thinking this would all work out. That we could repress the parts of ourselves that didn't get along. That Rise could forego her need to rebel and party, or if she didn't, that I could somehow find the stamina to keep up with her. I knew it was impossible. Repressing anything like that would have only led to resentment. And that resentment was bound to drive us apart, shattering our love for each other. At least…if I understood how I felt and told her no, we wouldn't be risking that resentment. Repressing things like that was no different than trying to wear a mask—a persona—that didn't fit. We had gone this long, being authentic with one another. We couldn't sacrifice that for anything.</p><p>"I keep hoping you'll change your mind," said Rise, as but a whisper against my neck. "You already know…I'd throw all of this away for you. And I already know you won't let me. So…for now…I don't want you to answer. Please, just think it over." I heard the pain in her voice, scratching at her usual softness: "God, Naoto…I know how pointless this is, trying to change your mind. You're so—fucking—stubborn…it hurts. I feel like I messed up our chance to be together. I pushed you too far last month…I know I did. This is all my fault. I can't stand it."</p><p>"Baby, it's not your fault," I tried.</p><p>Rise's whole body trembled in reaction. "You can try and smooth this over all you want…I know the truth. You don't have to make me feel better. I did this." She reached up to my scalp, lightly tugging a handful of my hair. "I hate myself so much…"</p><p>I knew why she felt this way. Rise had it in her mind that, if we hadn't done what we did over the summer break, I would have agreed to go on tour with her this time. Finding out about this during her tour instead of the last one…it would have merely delayed the inevitable. She had to have known that.</p><p>But—I was too logical about this. I could practically hear her telling me: <em>"Naoto, you think too much."</em></p><p>I wanted to say something else. Nothing came. Rise was in so much pain, she wouldn't look at me.</p><p>I went to go pay for our dinner. In a strained voice, Rise said she needed a few moments alone. While she went to the restroom, I went outside in the rain to get my car. I didn't want Rise walking all the way over to the parking space in the rain, even with an umbrella. By the time I pulled up to the restaurant, she was by the front doors inside the building, waiting for me. I held my umbrella over us, walking with her over to the passenger's side. I opened the door for her and held her hand as she got in, careful to keep any rain from reaching her, and then closed the door for her. I had no idea why I felt so close to Rise when I did things like this. There was something about it that I couldn't resist.</p><p>That was why this situation was so difficult for me. But changing my mind would have only made everything worse. I drove us back to our hotel, going carefully in the rain while I thought everything over. My problem was that I couldn't say no to her. By giving in and saying yes—not no, as I should have—that would have fed into the issue. Nothing would ever change that way. And yet the alternative was losing her to time, to someone else—exactly as I'd feared in that moment when I fell in love with her.</p><p>This was all strangely prophetic…and not in a good way.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Lightning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>To escape, to ignore the future, I threw myself into Rise even more over the weeks.</p><p>The day after our midterms in October, she and I went up to the roof for lunch. Rise had cooked a meal for us the night before, as ever—we ate together like we always did; fell into each other with a deeper fervor than before, making out, not caring who saw. The dark clouds in the sky and the darker chill in the wind told of the imminent thunderstorm. I had Rise on her back over the knee-high cement rest, keeping her head and neck cradled in my arms for her to be comfortable like this. Something in her lips reminded me over and over that I couldn't possibly leave her. The warmth here, the softness here, gentle as only she could be: I wanted to make this work. I had to. My fears only stayed at bay until Rise kissed me again. She had to have sensed my hesitations. Eventually she held me so close around my shoulders that I could only breathe through my nose, not letting me go. And if I did stray away too far from her, the unexpected shyness of her tongue came out to stay on me, stay locked to me, stay connected to me. This need in her hold, her breaths against mine—it was undeniable.</p><p>I felt the truth digging into me, settling deep inside. All those fairy tales about not being able to live without another person suddenly seemed real. I needed Rise to need me. I didn't know how to <em>say the words. </em>Speaking this way was easier, better. From the ways she reacted to me, I knew she understood.</p><p>And yet, once we made it back downstairs to the crowded hall outside our classroom, my doubts crept back up. Whenever I wasn't kissing her or touching her in some way, these dark clouds came back to shadow me, as dark as the sky beyond the windows. All Rise did was let go of my hand to check her phone; I felt as if we were somehow several miles apart. I couldn't function like this. I'd lost my own footing over the ground underneath me. The ground was somewhere above my head, out of reach, and all I could do was make a fool out of myself as I stayed in this aimless place. I stared out the window, waiting for Rise to finish her message. Everyone else lingered in the hallway around us, hanging out, talking.</p><p>She had been using her phone a lot more lately, talking to people. <em>Someone. </em>It irritated me.</p><p>Rise put herself between me and the window, smirking. "Hey, so I have an idea," she said, unbothered by my scowl. "We're supposed to be coming up with ideas for the culture festival today in class. Why don't we ditch and go do something else…?" I couldn't look at her. Finally, she noticed how annoyed I was. "Babe, what's wrong? You look pissed off."</p><p>"Who are you talking to?" I asked, no-nonsense.</p><p>As soon as she averted her eyes and looked back, I knew she was about to lie to me. Rise watched my scowl deepen. She stopped herself from saying what she'd been about to say. I recalled what she'd told me in that vid she'd sent me during the summer festival—about how many people would <em>kill </em>to be with her. That I somehow must have been wasting my time, and hers, by feeling the way I did. I couldn't think clearly from this maddened steam that filled my head, burning with rage.</p><p>"I don't have time for games, Rise," I told her. "<em>Who </em>do you keep messaging? You clearly want me to notice what you're doing! Explain yourself!" Rise flinched, pressing her back fully against the window. She did that thing with her eyes again, like she wanted to lie to save herself. "Don't. Don't even try it. Just tell me the truth. Who is it?"</p><p>Reluctantly, Rise looked me straight in the eye. "She's—just a cosplayer."</p><p>"A cosplayer," I deadpanned. She nodded. "And what does she want with you?"</p><p>"…what everyone wants."</p><p>"What does that <em>mean</em> in this situation?"</p><p>Rise obviously didn't mean to let this spill—"She looks like you and she pays attention to me, okay?! Whenever you go off into your distant mode, I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to! She listens, and—"</p><p>I stormed into the classroom, away from her. Everyone else was so busy talking—so used to seeing me like this—they didn't notice, they didn't care. I sat down at my desk, wishing I could tear my seat away from Rise's next to me. Someone who looked like me. Someone who cosplayed as me. Someone who pretended to <em>be me, </em>talking to Rise about us, about our relationship problems, likely weeding her way into Rise's heart, convincing her to leave me, to focus on other things. Watching our student council reps stand behind the podium, trying to conduct this meeting for the culture festival—they must have been moving pictures, rattling within the frame of my anger. Their empty, useless words about putting on a <em>cute </em>classroom showcase for the festival were fucking meaningless compared to this.</p><p>At some point, I didn't know when, Rise took her seat at her desk right next to me. It took everything in me not to scream at her. The simple fact that she'd spoken to other people about us didn't bother me. No, that wasn't it. She talked to Kanji about us—I didn't care. She talked to Chie about us—that was fine, because I did the same. <em>Fine. </em>That was all so very fine until I got into the reasons why she did this. To have a place to vent, <em>knowing </em>that this other person made a living off of looking like me, stealing my life wholesale from me—and that Rise went crying to her whenever I was distant. Whenever I was stuck in the doubts about us that I shouldn't have had in the first place.</p><p>All this time, I thought Rise understood me. Her understanding silence…it was a lie. She'd been biding her time, not complaining or saying anything, only to tell someone else about it.</p><p>Once that sunk in, the pain was as deep and unavoidable as falling down in a pit of ire. I couldn't swim out of this. I couldn't reason myself out of this. I couldn't rise above this or see anything past this. The whole sentiment surrounding my weakness for her was that Rise understood me. That I didn't <em>have </em>to say what was on my mind, and that she was patient enough to get me.</p><p>Rise slid her phone over my desk. She had her social media page open—her messages. For months, there was a long chain of this cosplayer—<em>Prince, </em>annoyingly—messaging her romantically without any response. Then, the same morning of the summer festival, Rise had finally replied: <em>"You're persistent."</em></p><p>They talked about music for a few days, with Rise messaging intermittently.</p><p>They talked about hot celebrities on the day of our school trip to Okunoshima, with Rise mentioning androgynous women who bore at least a mild resemblance to me in their style and attitude. She made it clear that she loved me more than anyone, and that that was unlikely to change any time soon, if ever. This person was also all the way in America. In Los Angeles. Rise had stressed that, if she and I weren't together, she wouldn't have been interested in anything long-distance. That contradicted every time she'd begged me to stay with her even if she went off on tour without me.</p><p>They talked about us every day after that, until today, moments ago, when this Prince person asked: <em>"Why do you stay with her if she hurts you this much? If she were a real man, she'd know how to smooth that shit over. Make love to you and forget about it. I know I would."</em></p><p>"<em>It's more complicated than that. Naoto doesn't want to risk another argument again. She won't talk about it at all. I don't want to argue with her, either."</em></p><p>"<em>Won't she get pissed you're talking to me?"</em></p><p>"<em>It won't matter. You're a fan and I consider you a friend. She'll understand."</em></p><p>"<em>I don't know, Risette. I think you like me more than you let on. You talk, I listen and I make you feel nice. She doesn't do enough of that anymore. You're beautiful, talented and sexy as hell. You deserve someone who'll treat you better than this."</em></p><p>"…<em>I have to get to class now."</em></p><p>The final, unanswered message that lingered: <em>"You're not denying what I said. Says a lot."</em></p><p>I gave her phone back. Rise stared at me in fear, watching my thoughts pass through my eyes. Every instinct in my body burned the same signal within me. Ignoring my instincts was what had landed me here in the first place. I couldn't keep doing this. I had to act. I had to listen to my head instead of my heart and do this. While everyone was on their feet, congregating for ideas for the culture festival, I grabbed my school bag and left the classroom. I went downstairs to the first floor, hearing Rise's hurried footsteps chasing behind me the whole time. Quickly, I opened my shoe locker, changed my shoes, and went out to the parking lot.</p><p>Rise knew this was serious. She made the mistake of running back to class to get her things. I got inside my car, trying to think, trying to plan. I couldn't. I couldn't think of anything. Sitting behind the wheel—motionlessness overtook me, indecision. I wanted to throw up; I wanted to scream; I wanted to die. I'd been such a fool to think that Rise would never do anything like this for attention, for someone to stroke her ego now that I didn't feel like doing it anymore. Her talking to that cosplayer behind my back somehow made it seem like <em>I </em>was at fault over this whole thing. Talking to someone else to get revenge—<em>for what?</em>—or just to be spiteful for the hell of it, to hurt me, to be immature, to show how much she didn't know any better.</p><p>A text from Dojima was surprisingly relevant:</p><p>"<em>Hey, sorry to bother you. Nanako's been injured. Some idiot boy chased after her and she tripped and sprained her ankle. The nurse patched her up. I'd like to get Nanako home. I can't leave work until later on tonight. Is there any way you can pick her up from school today?"</em></p><p>I replied immediately: <em>"I'll pick her up right now."</em></p><p>"<em>Could you? I'd appreciate it. I'll go ahead and call your school to let them know you're leaving early. Is Rise joining you?"</em></p><p>Through my rear-view mirror, I glared at Rise sprinting desperately toward my car.</p><p>"<em>Yes."</em></p><p>"<em>All right. I'll let the staff know. Thanks for this, Naoto."</em></p><p>"<em>I'm happy to help, Dojima-san."</em></p><p>Rise yanked the passenger's door open, getting inside in a rush. The car leaned somewhat from her momentum and righted itself again. She hadn't gone to her shoe locker. She'd skipped that part, intent on catching up to me. How predictable. Rise's school bag leaned against her leg as she faced me, intent on speaking. The words wouldn't come. She knew she was in the wrong.</p><p>"Your shoes," I noted, starting the car. "They're for inside the school, not outside. They're ruined now."</p><p>"Naoto, <em>I'm sorry. </em>Will you please let me explain?"</p><p>"Go ahead," I replied, pulling out of the parking lot. I had already checked out of this conversation even before it began. She knew that.</p><p>Rise sighed in distress. "I don't <em>like her </em>or anything," she insisted.</p><p>"You were just lonely. So you went running to someone who looks exactly like me."</p><p>"I didn't go running to her! She was <em>there</em> and I wanted to forget about these highs and lows you put me through—"</p><p>"<em>I </em>didn't put you through anything. Need I remind you—you did that all by yourself."</p><p>Here, her true colors showed—"You don't get how hard it is to be with you! It's like everything I do isn't enough. I keep begging for you to come with me after we graduate… You don't give me a real reason <em>why </em>you won't come. It's always a bad feeling, or you don't want to talk about it, or you don't give me an answer! We don't <em>have </em>to drink and party on my tour! I keep telling you that and you won't believe me! Why won't you, Naoto!? Why won't you believe me? Why are you doing this to me?"</p><p>Amusingly, I drove past the spot at the Samegawa Flood Plain where Rise and I had had sex for the first time—in my parked car, during what felt like so long ago. Through her rage, she got the hint that I was on my way to Nanako's school for some reason or another.</p><p>"Why aren't you answering me?!" she demanded.</p><p>"There's nothing to say."</p><p>Rise <em>couldn't stand</em> when I turned my emotions off. "Damnit, Naoto!" she cried, falling over the arm rest. "Why don't you see how much I'm hurting?" She squeezed my forearm atop the surface, trying to get through to me. "All you have to do is flip that switch and you're back to not caring about me… Don't you know how much that kills me?"</p><p>I rolled my eyes, reminding her: "I'm not the one entertaining my smitten fans for attention."</p><p>"I wouldn't have done it if you didn't hurt me!"</p><p>"This is ridiculous. <em>I'm </em>the one in pain, and here you go, turning on the tears to make me sympathize with you."</p><p>"I'm telling you why I did it!" argued Rise.</p><p>"Frankly, I don't give a damn. You're immature. I don't understand what I saw in you in the first place."</p><p>Rise stopped breathing. "You don't mean that," she whispered. "Tell me you don't. There's no way…"</p><p>I said nothing. My phone went off over my lap. Kanji sent me a message, worrying over where Rise and I had gone. I knew he only cared because it was his job. I wasn't in the mood to talk to him; I left the message alone. All this time, I'd been avoiding actively hurting Rise by telling her no, or simply not doing something she wanted, just because I didn't want to give her a hard time. She had been through a lot. I had been tiptoeing around that fact, intent on not upsetting her directly. And yet, in not saying anything, in avoiding everything, I'd hurt Rise anyway by being distant. <em>Distant—</em>one of my qualities I'd thought she knew and understood about me.</p><p>Partly to blame, I was, at least for this mutual destruction with us. I wasn't the one that had forced Rise to reply to my doppelganger. I hadn't literally made her hands pick up her phone that day and message that person. The fact that she'd done it at all had my heart beating slowly, terribly slowly.</p><p>She followed me into Nanako's school for us to pick her up together. After we found Nanako in the nurse's office, I took her in my arms, carrying her out to my car.</p><p>Nanako sniffled lightly. "It hurts," she mumbled.</p><p>I felt like the child of my shadow again, heart aching in shared pain. "I know," I said.</p><p>I felt the wavelength of Rise's empathy as she read between the lines.</p><p>During the drive to the Dojima residence, I thought back to our second year. How Kanji had tackled Rise during P.E. that day during the rugby game, hurting her ankle. And now, Rise sat in the backseat, holding Nanako, speaking softly to her. I saw myself there in her arms. I wished she could have spoken and kissed this ache away. Nothing was that simple anymore. I realized that I wasn't even all that angry about her talking to someone else. I knew that Rise didn't like her that way. I was logical enough to see that, to absorb that. It was that she'd told someone else about our private business—someone who was obviously interested in her and wasn't short of compliments to lend.</p><p>Rise didn't get me as much as I'd believed. Or she did, and she had simply done this to have ammunition someday—<em>'Look, this person wants me. Why don't you?' </em>It depressed me how clearly I could imagine her doing that. But…maybe she wouldn't have done that. Maybe that was my persistent emotions getting the better of me. Turning them off had gotten more and more useless over time. That only worked for so long until my feelings for Rise came back to the surface, washing over my indifference as a powerful, stubborn tide, drowning my pride along with it.</p><p>While Rise took Nanako to her bedroom to care for her, I went upstairs to Yu's old room. Dojima had avoided cluttering the room again with boxes and other mess. This almost felt like home, with how quiet it was. The open curtains over the window brought in a faint chill to the room. I knew this chill well. It smelled just like the transience of this room: how it only seemed to exist whenever I needed the space.</p><p>Except for the neighbor's dog barking in the distance. Except the thunderstorm steadily pouring through the afternoon skies, rolling thunder groaning over the echoing barks from the dog. I spread out the futon over the floor, took off my jacket and lay down. Every part of my chest felt like a fresh, pulsing wound. The thought alone of getting up and leaving this spot exhausted me. I had to get away from her. I knew I had to. This was too much. I loved her too much. Her games and cries for attention had pissed me off before; now I felt awful for making her feel that lonely in the first place. I wanted to take her in my arms and apologize and kiss everything better; I wanted to walk away to make sure she knew that this was unacceptable, that I was stronger than this, that I was better than this…</p><p>I wasn't any of those things. Without Rise, I was nothing. I knew I would wilt away without her.</p><p>I was so serious…quiet…unlikable. Who else would love me? Who else would have me? No one. No one else would want to understand me like Rise did, as flawed as her understanding was. Hers was as close as anyone could possibly get. I was too difficult for anyone else. I was too distant for anyone else.</p><p>At the first clap of lightning through the sky, I heard Rise's footsteps coming up the stairs. She entered the room and locked the door behind her. I didn't want her to see me like this. I didn't want her to win. I didn't want her to know that she could still affect me like this—this self-loathing, self-hatred; this debasement, despising everything I was, and wanting to make everything up to her anyway. When I felt her kneel behind me, I fought not to turn around and kiss her bare legs under her uniform skirt. Every ounce of her energy in her presence overwhelmed me. <em>Rise was here. </em>I felt her bend over and clutch me. I felt the meaning in her touch as she curled into me. I could smell her, the subtlety of her perfume, how it hadn't dulled at all over time.</p><p>"I'm sorry," she breathed against me. "I was dumb—I was stupid. I didn't know what else to do. If I have to leave without you in March, I swear I'll lose my mind. <em>I love you, </em>Naoto. I love you so much…I can't live without you. Not even for a day. I need you with me! Don't you see that…?"</p><p>Rise had somehow put into words exactly how I felt—and didn't want to feel.</p><p>She turned me over on my back, grabbing me by my shoulders. "Do you know what's killing me? How you can reason your way out of anything. I'd <em>die </em>for you if I had to—but you act like that isn't enough… Like it's not good enough to see us through anything that might happen down the line. So you just shut everything down… You won't give us a chance." Desperately, Rise shook me, on the verge of tears. "Why, Naoto? <em>Why</em> isn't it enough!? <em>Why?!</em> Why aren't my feelings—and yours—enough? Why won't you let them be enough?! Why do you keep putting up these walls and punishing me instead of working <em>with</em> me?"</p><p>"You turned me into someone I don't recognize," I explained, referencing our summer together. "I don't want to be that person again. It's better to decline and avoid risking that situation again."</p><p>"But I told you—we don't have to go to a single party or club ever again!"</p><p>"That's not the life you want—"</p><p>"—the life I want is with you, by my side, as my wife someday, having a family, having a house together, having <em>everything </em>together!"</p><p>"You shouldn't repress your real desires for my sake," I told her.</p><p>Rise dug her nails into my skin, trying not to blow up. "If I'm telling you that I don't want that, then it's true," she said. "If it's about what <em>I </em>want…I'm the only one who can know. If this is what I'm telling you, then you have to believe me. Just because you say that, it doesn't make it true. You convinced yourself that that's the life I want and now you won't let it go! If I've been perfectly happy with you all this time, without partying, what makes you think I need something different?!"</p><p>"During the summer festival, you said…"</p><p>She exhaled dangerously, beyond frustrated with me. I understood what she meant…if it came down to it, then she didn't actually need to live that way. If she knew I truly didn't want something, then she loved me enough to make things work. Pointing out these contradictions only came up from my habit of being too logical.</p><p>"Rise," I continued, "I don't want to deal with these uncertainties. If you could speak to someone else while I'm right in front of you, who's to say you wouldn't do more while you're gone?"</p><p>"…you don't trust me anymore," she guessed.</p><p>I had always felt this way. Telling her that wouldn't have helped anything.</p><p>Rise collapsed over me, clinging. "I'll stop talking to her," she vowed. "I'll block her from my page. She's gone. She's dead to me. Just—please, work with me instead of pushing me away… Please. I'll make it up to you. Come to Tokyo with me during winter break for my gigs. I'll show you how things can be."</p><p>This tireless, maddening feeling inside of me wouldn't leave.</p><p>I was weak for her. Some of what that cosplayer got to my head, warping my thoughts. Not being man enough to smooth things over… I had no idea why that kept repeating over and over in my mind. I wasn't a man and I didn't want to be one—the saying, the expression was what she'd meant, and it mattered. Pushing Rise away on purpose to teach her a lesson would have accomplished nothing. She would have chased after me harder. We both would have been in more pain. Rise wouldn't have left me alone. Staying like this wasn't any better. There was no middle ground…none; the storm's reach was as endless as my feelings for her, soaking them in chaos and confusion no matter where I went. I had no choice <em>but </em>to do what she wanted.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Lovers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading the whole story. I appreciate it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em><strong>Note.</strong> Thanks for reading the whole story. I appreciate it.</em>
</p><hr/><p><em><strong>XVII.</strong></em> Lovers</p><p>
  <em>In this New Year's dream—the second I'd had since Rise became my lover—there was no snow. No paths. No decisions to make. This was after our tumultuous time in Tokyo, after her successful album release; after the crowds during her shows had shouted and cheered for Rise to use me as a romantic and sexual prop on stage. Being sturdy enough for a lap dance, to simulate sex while she danced on me—it had molded me back into that unrecognizable person whose sex drive I didn't recognize, whose aggression I feared. And in this dream, I was but a long shadow over the grass of a playground. The sun burned across my back, leaning my shadow just so along the ground. At the tip of my ethereal head was a lone swing, where a child version of Rise sat, her hand as a visor over her face as she stared up at me. As another, true to form shadow, Risette rose from her host, appearing as I remembered her. She approached me. She recognized me, even though I couldn't feel my own body; couldn't see my own hands or feet in front of me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Somewhere in the distance, I felt Margaret's eyes on us.</em>
</p><p>"<em>Hey, sexy," said Risette, flirtatious as ever. "You're not pulling away from me again, are you? We had such a great time back in the city… It's too bad you're scared of yourself." She leaned into me, cupping my face that seemed like nothing but black mist. "Is it that hard to believe that I love you for you? The dark sides of yourself that you don't understand—they drive me wild in the best ways. I keep telling you this. It's like you don't want to listen."</em></p><p>
  <em>My voice sounded far away. "I know that our shadows have been released now," I explained. "Still, I am afraid of mine. This is what we're all taught…to fear this evil side of ourselves…to suppress it, to keep it from coming out, otherwise we'll scare everyone away and end up alone."</em>
</p><p>"<em>Silly, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Haven't I proved that to you?"</em></p><p>
  <em>Of course she had. There was simply an old part of me that couldn't accept this darkness in my heart.</em>
</p><p>"<em>Listen," continued Risette, "I get where you're coming from. You're used to people leaving. You're used to being alone. Being in this relationship with me for nearly two years hasn't changed that. But you know what? I'm not giving up on you. I'm staying with you—and staying after you—until you fully accept me in your heart…alongside your shadow. You know what that means, don't you?"</em></p><p>"<em>You're making me go with you during your tour…"</em></p><p>
  <em>Risette smiled brightly. "That's right. You're coming with me. Since you won't make up your mind about it, I'm bringing you along."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I had no choice but to accept my fate. My free will being stripped from me should have made me feel frustrated or powerless. For the first time since we started dating, I let myself fall freely into this unknown with her. I loved Rise—and Risette—both of them together, separately…it didn't matter.</em>
</p><p>As I fell, out of my sleep, I awoke that snowy morning with Rise still asleep in my arms. She wore next to nothing, having fallen asleep not long after our time together the night before—all through midnight and into the dark of dawn in the New Year. This too-clean room at Takura Productions in Tokyo had been colder than the warmth of her bedroom back at home. Rise's phone was on the other end of the bed, having been shifted over there since last night. She had given me the password to all of her accounts, to prove to me that she no longer spoke to any of her fans. I'd declined going through her messages. I didn't need to. I had since accepted that I was partly to blame for her feeling the way she had months ago. Being as reserved as I was, it was nearly impossible for me to look outside of myself and see how others viewed me. Trying to stay stuck in my head for fear of getting hurt was useless.</p><p>I couldn't hide from Rise. Not when she made my whole being burn, unforgettably. I could never extinguish this feeling. I couldn't hope to move onto someone easier. All I would have felt was regret over running away…settling—just as she had forced herself to do around the time we first met.</p><p>I loved her too much not to make this work. I had to stop being stubborn…stop being afraid to let go.</p><p>Accepting this about myself made the coming weeks easier. Through January, February and the beginning of March, I sensed my spirits rising with the blooming cherry blossoms around Yasogami High. With the staggering success of Risette's album, paparazzi had become part of our final months of high school. They had been barred from our graduation, yet some of them still managed to sneak into the auditorium that day. It was but a taste of what awaited during the tour over the next several months. I had since agreed to go with Rise, so as to not ruin this steadiness we'd found together. Sitting next to her during the proceedings, holding her hand, I couldn't have been happier. I had no idea what awaited me academically—I hadn't applied to college, toppling the last expectation I'd set for myself back when I was a child. But being here in this auditorium filled with my classmates and our school's second years, I felt relieved that I no longer had to be in this environment again. Overachieving had been my only avenue of self-respect, self-worth. I didn't need to do that anymore. I could let go of who I once was.</p><p>When at last it was my time to go on stage and accept my diploma, I thought I knew what to expect: that I would take the diploma from my homeroom teacher, bow to him, and then leave across the other end of the stage. People in the crowd cheered quite loudly for me—as they had done for Rise. Halfway through my bow, Mr. Kondo gave me a knowing smile.</p><p>"Look what you've inspired," he said, gesturing to a section of the crowd across the way.</p><p>With my diploma in-hand, I turned around to see what he meant. There I saw a group of second year girls whistling and cheering for me. All of them wore their <em>gakuran </em>instead of their expected sailor uniforms. I didn't know them personally; seeing their admiration still affected me deeply. I smiled at them.</p><p>Outside under the shining sun, I was overwhelmed by everyone around me. Rise stayed at my side, beaming from all the attention. She was as friendly as ever as she said goodbye to our classmates and underclassmen. Her grandmother and the rest of her extended family had come along as well. After living under the same roof as them, I had since started to see them as my own family. They hadn't minded my reticence, instead treating me as their own. Nanako and Dojima were here, too, reminding us to call every now and then while we were away. Chie and her family had stopped by to see us off. Kanji's family was here with him, making up an increasingly large crowd around us, including Risette's fans from other schools who were intent on stealing a glance at her.</p><p>Surprisingly, Yu, Yukiko and Yosuke were off in the distance. I didn't notice until Rise pointed them out.</p><p>"Look who's here," she said, holding the flowers Chie had brought us.</p><p>"Who?" asked Chie, moving to get a better look. "Oh… Seriously? I wasn't expecting <em>them </em>to show up. We haven't talked to them since the summer before last, huh? It's been a while."</p><p>"Should we go talk to them?" wondered Rise.</p><p>Kanji chuckled. "Eh, I don't see why not," he suggested. "What's the worst that could happen?"</p><p>Chie didn't look convinced. "They could say something to piss us off again," she worried.</p><p>Rise smiled warmly. "I think they've learned their lesson."</p><p>"More than likely," I agreed. "It's possible that they've grown. It <em>has</em> been quite some time, after all."</p><p>Kanji hailed the three of them over. Hesitant, they found their way through the crowd to us. Yet they didn't hesitate at all to apologize to us. Rise, Kanji and Chie asked them relevant questions as to what had gotten into them at the time. As a phantom through the people nearby, I saw Margaret again, just as I had last year. She had nothing to tell me this time; she simply vanished back into thin air, the memory of her mysterious smile lingering in the sunlit space. All this time, she had watched me struggle and survive, finally finding peace again after finding myself. I had gotten lost somewhere along the way, between doubting Rise, her intentions, her love for me, as was natural to do. Yet here I was with her on my arm as we made up with our old friends for the first time in ages.</p><p>We had this lesson now. All of us. Between Rise and me, between our Investigation Team—even between Rise and Kanji—we knew that we had gotten through the worst of life's ups and downs, having gone from hating each other, splintering, and reuniting again after so much time. The bonds we had formed since defeating Izanami together hadn't dimmed completely. They had been here within us, hiding, waiting, until the right time to return. If ever we were to split again, we would have this to remember, to help bring us back as one group again—eventually…no matter how long it took.</p><p>The seven of us spent the rest of the day in Okina City, along with Nanako and Dojima, catching up together. We reminisced about the positive memories we had with one another. Having one last dinner with everyone before the flight to America tomorrow was an unexpected treasure. I had gotten so used to awkward meals with Rise and Kanji not speaking to one another because of me. Reuniting with the others helped to smooth over the bad blood between them. Hopefully now Kanji could protect Rise from here on out without that hatred, that resentment. They deserved to have this bond restored.</p><p>Later that night, Rise took me out to the hill overlooking Inaba one last time. We had to wake up early the next morning to catch our flight out of Tokyo to Los Angeles. Considering how long we would be gone for, and the sentimentality behind this place, I couldn't worry about losing sleep. As with the first two times we had come here together for a date, Rise leaned on me peacefully, neither of us saying a word. I thought about what awaited her career in the future. When we had last gone to visit the shrine, I prayed for her success. I wanted her to win every award she could—as the best new artist to emerge in the US, and even more awards for her record-breaking album sales. She had changed the conversation on what it meant to be a controversial artist who put everything into her work. Her songs, their subject matters, had started endless think pieces on countless topics, namely on how to accept our differences in society. That was exactly what she wanted to achieve with her platform.</p><p>And, just as her manager wanted, Risette was quickly becoming a household name abroad. By the time her tour was over, I expected many more people to know her name. She had the world in her hands.</p><p>Rise pressed her smile along my neck, sighing there. "Naoto…thank you," she said, surprising me.</p><p>"You're welcome—but for what?" I asked.</p><p>"For not giving up on us," she replied, bright as ever. That brightness of hers was powerful enough to persist through anything, even the long distance I'd kept between us. As with all things with Rise and me, her light had found its way to me across this distance, warming me infinitely in ways only she could. "There were some days when I was terrified you'd leave. That you'd reason your way out of loving me and shut yourself off forever. It made me hold onto you that much more…it also made me do so many things I regret now, looking back. You really love me…don't you?"</p><p>Words weren't enough to express how I felt. Rise was more than everything to me. That <em>everything</em> welled up in my chest of a sudden, knotting the air in my lungs and throat. The faraway lights from Inaba's buildings shone as watercolors in my periphery. I kissed her to keep her from seeing this change in me. She sensed it anyway. I knew she did. The soft patience in her hands over my face and her lips over mine told me over and over again that she understood.</p><p>"You keep me whole," I breathed into her mouth. "…I love you, Rise. More than the imagined security I had before we met…more than the set path I once believed in. No one can replace this feeling."</p><p>Rise rested her forehead over mine. "You're not allowed to take that back, you know," she teased.</p><p>"I wouldn't dream of it," I said, smiling.</p><p>"This is all I've wanted…<em>you're </em>all I've wanted."</p><p>"And I feel the same. You don't have anything to worry about. Not anymore. Believe in that."</p><p>With every disappointment and source of pain everywhere else—from the people who didn't accept us together, who didn't accept me, and far worse wherever else I couldn't see—Rise was the only one I could count on. I had hurt her enough in my disbelief that she could be such a fixed point of love. I had hurt myself in that cage of limitations I suffered, if only to keep the smallest amount of distance between us, to protect myself when she inevitably left. Keeping those shields up, that weapon of self-defense, was what had done the worst. That anticipatory habit of curling into myself to keep the pain away was what had caused us both such agony.</p><p>Having the courage to walk boldly forward with Rise's love for me was the most terrifying, liberating and powerful feeling I'd ever known. No longer was I too stoic to feel what I should have felt.</p><p>I was alive again. Perhaps for the first time. At long last I knew how to breathe in the beauty of life.</p><p>If this security we had together was fleeting, futile, then I never wanted to wake up and face reality. If this between Rise and me wasn't meant to be, then I would hold onto this transience—<em>this moment </em>—and find a way to believe through hell once more. Anything could have happened. Tomorrow, next month, a year from now—the world could have taken Rise away from me, and I wouldn't let her go. I wouldn't let this feeling go. I easily saw myself mourning that hypothetical loss, wallowing away in the present; setting my sails of sanity off through the sea of my subconscious to be with her again that way. I was stuck on her. I couldn't let go of her. As terrified as I was of her hold over me, I held Rise in my arms, steadfast. I was hers, forever, through anything.</p><p>Through the worst of my fears and how they ate at me even in this tranquil moment, I loved her. I was loyal to her. Unmoving. Unbreakable. If I was a fool to hold onto Rise, then I would play the part I had been given. This blossoming endlessness I bore for her was wide enough, bright enough, to stay with me.</p><p>Rise had pulled me in such a twisted way by letting me see all of her.</p><p>Like my love for her, this allure she possessed was never-ending.</p><p>As with this interminable end, the cycle would revive itself. Fading to black, the light of hope would shine through, just as Rise had held onto me through it all. As different people with the same names, we would find each other again: by the maddened passion that had brought us together the first time. The maker's solitude smoothed only by this light over black; by this unreachable distance.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>End</em>
  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>